Starting

"Get your ass down here now!" I rolled over just to hear the last half of the sentence my mom was screaming at me. Glancing at my clock I noticed I only had twenty minutes before I had to be at school. Shit. Jumping up I looked in the mirror. Okay. No need to worry about my hair. I grabbed the first clothes I touched and rushed to the shower. 

"Damn it Casey! If you're not down here in ten minutes I'm leaving you here!" I rolled my eyes before saying, "I'll be down in five!" I quickly showered and dressed. Fixing my make up and grabbing my bag I rushed down the stairs. My entire family was standing there looking at me annoyed.

"It's about time you idiot. God. Why are you so stupid?" I looked at my younger brother and held back all the comments. Instead I went out to the van and climbed into the very back. Plugging in my iPod I turned up my music as loud as it would possibly go. Typical Monday morning. I looked up when I felt the van brake. We were at the high school. I let the latch on the van go and jumped out grabbing my bag and slamming the hatch. Making sure I had all my stuff I pulled up my hood and walked into the school.

I could see everybody looking at me. I must look like Hell. This was the worst weekend so far. I cried myself to sleep every single night. And I knew I had bags under my eyes because I didn't get a lot of sleep. My hair was sticking up every which way. Pulling my sleeves down to cover my hands and turning my music up even louder I went into the commons. Going to the farthest corner table I dropped my bag and went and grabbed an apple. 

Observing. It's what I've always been best at. So why I didn't see the milk carton until it was hitting me squarely in the head I don't know. I felt it break open and start dripping milk down my back. Ignoring it I grabbed my book out of my bag and hunched over to work on the latest poem that I had come up with. Right as I was finishing up the stanza I had been struggling with for over a week, the bell rang. 

Waiting until everybody was clear of the halls I left. The teachers knew I was always late to class. Sometimes I ditched. They gave up trying to discipline me. They knew it only made things worse for me. And them. So, when I walked into my World History class and saw a substitute, I was surprised. This was the one teacher that always gave us warning if she was going to be gone.

"You're late. Sit down. You'll be staying after school with me." I looked at her and said, "No. I'm not. I'm going home and you're going to get over it." I sat down heavily in my chair and watched her write something on a piece of paper. Waiting until her back was to me I quickly removed my iPod from my pocket and transferred it to my bag, replacing it with my phone. Nobody even blinked when I took a pack cigarettes from my hoodie pocket and stuck them in the bottom of my bag.

"Okay. Now, guys-" I zoned out and stared at a corner of the wall. This was going to be just great. I'm going to get a lecture on manners when our teacher comes back. Not something I want or need, but I'm going to get it anyways. Oh well. Suddenly hearing the door open, everybody turned to see the guidance counselor standing there with a boy I didn't recognize. 

"Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I was just showing Isaac here around. I can see your teacher's not here. Umm... Casey! Can you show Isaac where his next class is? I checked your schedule and all ready talked to your art teacher."

I heard somebody in the back snickering and muttering something about how it wouldn't matter anyways. I looked at this kid and noticed he wasn't acting scared. Nor was he acting cocky. He actually looked like he couldn't really care less about where his classes were. That's why I said, "Yeah. No problem. Where is he at right now so I know where to get him at?" 

"Oh, he's in here. I just had some business that I needed to attend to and I figured you'd be the most reliable to show him where things were." I just nodded my head watching as he stuck his hands in his pocket. Studded bracelet. Earrings. Lip ring. A bar in his eye brow. Black hair, natural. Yep. This was going to be fun. 

She leaned over and whispered something in his ear and he just nodded before she walked out of the room. I motioned to the seat behind me where everybody refused to sit and watched as he made his way around the desks. I heard somebody say, "Great. Now we got some faggot ass queer emo kid. Just what we need next to spaztastic over there." 

I knew he was talking about me. I just turned, flipped him off and went back to staring at the wall. About half way through class something touched my shoulder. I jumped and turned seeing him leaning forward. "Do you have a pencil I can borrow? One of those douche bags took mine and won't give them back." I leaned forward and pulled his pencils out from under my desk.

A confused look came across his face. "How did you?" I just looked at him and shook my head. He must have acknowledged this as a 'I'm not talking to you right now' gesture because he just shrugged his shoulders and leaned back in his seat. I realized then that I must have missed something during class because the teacher was going through each of the students asking them to say one thing they learned. It was the only way she was going to let them go.

I would leave anyways. I just kind of wished I had something to show this teacher the door with. When she got to the kid in front of me I suddenly heard a voice in my hear. "You didn't listen did you?" I turned my head slightly and said, "That obvious huh?" 

I heard snickering and then, "You were staring at that crack in the wall. I know because you started moving your head like you were tracing it. Next time, though, you might want to make it a little less noticeable."

Just then I heard, "Casey Joseph! Would you please tell the entire class what you found so interesting about today's lecture that you had to discuss it with our new friend?" I looked up at her and then back at him. He was smirking knowing he had just gotten me into trouble. I figured I'd just add to his humor. 

"I didn't learn a fucking thing that I found the least bit interesting. Now, if you don't mind, I've got to show Shark Bait here where his next class is, and we have to walk across the quad. Later."

I stood up and motioned for him to stand. He was leaning back in his seat looking like he couldn't care less. But nonetheless he stood and followed me.

As soon as we were in the hall he looked at me and said, "I'm going to guess you're the outcast that nobody likes and all the teachers put up with because nobody else will?" I rolled my eyes and just started walking. Immediatly pulling my iPod from my bag I turned on a song by Asking Alexandria. It must have still been loud because he was looking at me in complete shock.

"What? God, don't even tell me I need to turn my music down. I know you're new. But that is a really good way to immediatly get on bad terms with me." I saw him make a motion like he was going to speak, but then closed his mouth. "Okay. So, where's your next class at?" We were in the middle of the hall way and I knew the bell was about to ring. And the last thing I wanted was to be in a hall way full of people. "Umm... Hey! Guess who's got art this hour!" 

He grinned and I just groaned. "God, can I ever get a break? Let's go. And by the way, unless you tell me otherwise, I'm going to keep calling you Shark Bait." He just shrugged his shoulders like this was nothing new to him. Suddenly I rememberd the comments from class. I looked at him and said, "Oh another thing. Unless you want to be labeled a freak or anything I wouldn't hang around me too much if I were you. I kind of freaked out on one of the hockey players last year and got labeled a spaz."

He looked at me and said, seriously, "I'm pretty sure that's not going to matter. I've already been labeled a faggot ass queer emo. The only part of that that's true is the 'faggot' term. Although I wouldn't use something that derogatory." I looked at him and had to keep myself from bursting with laughter.

 "Okay. Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against the LGBTQ Community seeing as I'm bi. But most people don't so openly admit it. Only a handful or people here even suspect that I'm not straight. Why are you so open about it?" I looked at him as we walked across the quad towards the art building. 

"I don't know. I guess I've just found it easier to put it on the table and just have it there. Instead of leaving people confused and wondering what's wrong with me." This made sense to me. That's exactly why I didn't say anything. I was about to say something when suddenly a voice came from behind me. Knowing exactly who it was I just started walking.

Isaac got a confused look on his face but didn't question me. After a couple of seconds the voice came again. Louder this time. Then there were footsteps. That's when I felt it hit me. A cup of water. Ice water. I froze and gave myself a minute to calm down so I didn't rip his head off. 

"Hey! I was talking to you Schizo! Don't ignore me!" I looked at Isaac and saw a look that I hate to see directed towards me. Pity. I just rolled my eyes and grabbed his arm dragging him along behind me. "Hey! What the fuck! I'm talking to you!"

I turned to stare at my attacker. Only to find there wasn't just one. But three. "Why are you ignoring him? You should know by now that shit doesn't fly with us you dyke." And there was that word again. Oh, how wrong they were. 

I looked at Isaac and said, "Just ignore them and keep walking. We're going to be late for class. Not that I really give a shit. But I don't think it would be good for you on your first day." He just looked at me then back at the trio standing there. I still had water dripping down my back, but I was ignoring the splashing noise it was making as it formed a puddle at my feet. 

"Schizo's right you know. You shouldn't be late for art. The teacher's a major pain in the ass." 

"Only she would know that. Seeing as she fucked him!"

"Yeah. That's why she missed a month of school was because she was getting an abortion."

All these were thrown at me with a sharp tongue. I was used to it by now. But if only they knew the real reason of why I missed school. If only they knew...

"Come on. Let's get to art before I rip one of their heads off." I jumped at the voice in my ear but just nodded my head. I led him through the cafeteria and out the back doors to head across the quad. Suddenly I heard a thunk behind me and turned to see Isaac's bag on the ground.

"What are you doing?" I looked at him and back at his bag. "You're going to be late."

I went to pick his bag up but he was faster then me and was all ready swinging it behind him. "I don't care if I'm late for art. I had a record back at my school. Too many fights because all the kids were giving me shit for being gay. That's why my parents sent me down here." I must have looked surprised because he just rolled his eyes. 

I watched as he slid down to the ground and pulled a lighter and a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Holding them out to me he said, "Want one?" I rolled my eyes, but took them anyways.

"So, what's with that whole 'you fucked the teacher' thing? Did that actually happen? If it did, I'm not judging or anything. Just wondering if there's actually a reason for me to kill those ass holes in the school." I couldn't help but chuckle. 

"No. It didn't happen. Something else did. But, I'm not getting into that because I'm still having problems with it."

He looked perplexed, but didn't question me further. "Want to ditch?" I looked at him and just smiled. "What? I figured I might as well get a head start on my record here. I usually try to wait at least a day. But I figured I'd mix things up." 

I just shook my head and started laughing. "Get to class. I'll be waiting here when you get back. I'm keeping your lighter by the way. Lost mine about a week ago." He just stood up and looked at me trying hard not to laugh, it seemed. 

"Fine. But only if you let me come over to your house later. I don't have any friends and I think you're going to be my new best friend." I must have looked absolutely terrified because he walked off laughing hysterically.

So much for the hope of a peaceful day after school. I was not taking him to my house. But I could at least show him around town. Just then I remembered I still had his cigarettes. Oh well. I'd give them back after he came back from class.

I sat down and leaned back against the wall staring up at the sky. How was I going to do this? I kept away from people for a reason. Didnt make friends with people for a reason. Mostly because none of them wanted anything to do with me. But also because I just didn't like people. I had a feeling this kid was going to be different though. Maybe I could actually try and be nice to him...

I heard the bell ring and knew that Isaac was probably sitting in the back of the class glaring at the trio who threw the water at me. Why he threatened to kick their ass so fast I didn't know. I really didn't care. All I knew was that if he got himself into trouble on account of me I was not taking any credit for it. When the second bell rang I knew that class was starting. 

And something else might have been in the making too. A friend...

Leave Me Alone

I had basically dreamed through the rest of the day. So when I was suddenly grabbed from behind and backed into a corner I was completely caught off guard. I started throwing punches until I heard, "God damn! You can hit hard for a girl." I opened my eyes only to see Isaac rubbing his arm.

"Fucking a! I know you're new and all. But you should know better than to back people into corners. Shit." I straightened my bag on my arm and looked at him. "Oh, you left your cigarettes with me by the way." I took them out of my bag and handed them to him. He took them without comment. 

"I think you agreed to something earlier by the way." I looked at him, confused, before I remembered. 

"I'm not taking you to my house. I will however show you around the town. My parents won't be home for at least three more hours. And if my siblings kill eachother, well, I'll be an only child." He looked at me and realized I was dead serious about the last remark. He was about to say something when something caught his attention.

"Turn around you idiot." I looked over his shoulder only to see Mark Bradley. The kid who threw the water at me earlier. 

"Yeah. I'd like to get a clear shot at her head. If your sorry ass is in the way, I can't really do that. We'll let you go back to whatever the hell you were doing after."

He looked at me and I instantly read a look of 'trust me' on his face. Shit. "No. I don't think I'll move. Actually, I was about to steal her iPod. But somebody interrupted me. Do you mind?"

Collective looks of shock ran through everybody around us. "Yeah, actually, we do mind. Move it." 

He moved in front of me protectively and crossed his arms. "Oh, no. You are not protecting her. God, just what we need. I'm going to tell you, if you piss her off nobody's going to have any sympathy for you."

"No, I'm not protecting her. Fine. If you want to throw what ever you're throwing at her, go ahead. I'll get the damned thing later." He started moving away and I saw him throw a look back at me. This time he had sorry written all over him. 

"Great. Move." He side stepped awkwardly to the other side of the hall way. I closed my eyes and waited for whatever it was. I didn't feel anything and was about to open my eyes to see what they were doing when I felt it. Eggs. In my hair. Great.

I opened my eyes to see them walking down the hall way and Isaac looking at me. "I am so sorry. I thought it was just going to be something minor. You took the water so well earlier." I looked at him and just shrugged. 

"Nothing new. I'm used to it. Hey, any chance you mind sitting at my house while I take a shower?" He shook his head and said, "Nope. As long as you don't have any problems with me reading your diaries." I groaned and sank to the floor. This was going to be a royal hell. That's when it hit me.

"Shit! Shit, fucking, god damnit! Any chance you can drive?" He looked at me and I explained, "It's my turn to do dishes. And if I don't do them I'm going to be in for it later." He walked over and kneeled down in front of me. "How about this? I drive you to your house, while you take a shower, I'll do dishes?" 

I couldn't help it. I started laughing. And I couldn't stop. "What? I know how to do dishes." He sounded like I might have actually hurt his feelings.

"It's nothing. I just can't imagine you in my kitchen. And what are you going to say if one of my siblings walks in?"

He considered this for a minute before shrugging. Standing up he held his hand out to me and said, "I don't know. Guess we'll see. Come on, that stuff's hard to get out of hair when it dries." I took his hand and got pulled to my feet. 

"By the way, you ever try to steal my iPod or my phone, and you will get fingers broken." He just grinned and pointed to the doors. "Let's go."

Walking out the doors of the school I could feel people staring at me. I pulled my hood up over my head self consciously. Ducking my head as I walked through the cars, I could feel Isaac watching me too. I shrunk down in on my self until we got to a truck. Nice truck too.

"Okay, you steal my stuff, I'm stealing your truck. Damn dude." He looked it over and said, "Not that big of a deal. My parents felt so bad when I came out. Because they felt like the things they had said made it harder for me. So, as an apology, I got this." I felt bad saying it, but I couldn't help it. 

"My parents don't like it. Any of it. When I came out, they took me to the nearest church. My whole family's condemned me. I had to buy all of this stuff. The second I'm eighteen they're kicking me out. Still have two years." He looked at me with a pitiful look in his eyes again. "And do me a favor. Don't look at me like that. I hate it when people look at me like that."

"Oh, sorry." He was opening the driver's side door to his truck. I opened the door and hesitated.

"What?" He was watching me now. "I'm not going to hurt you. I don't think I'd have much of a chance anyways."

"I have milk, water, and egg all over me. Before you ask about the milk, this morning in the cafeteria. I smell horrible from it." He just shrugged and gestured to the seat. "Get in the damn truck or I'll drag you in." I looked at him to see if he was serious. He was. Dead serious. 

Pushing my bag in I grabbed hold of the handle and swung myself in. "Put your seatbelt on. And then show me where to go."

I started directing him. About half way through the drive I pushed the seat all the way back and put my feet up on the dashboard. He glanced over at me and I could see him grinning out of the corner of my eye. 

"Right there. That's it." He double checked to make sure I was talking about the right house. "That's your house? It's so, bright. And cheerful... What the hell happened to you?" I glared at him and started opening the door. "Okay. Sorry, not funny." He shut off the engine as I closed the door a little harder than necessary. "Ouch. Watch the truck. It didn't do anything to you." 

"The truck's fine. It's not as big of a sissy as you." I mock punched him in the arm. He rubbed it and I looked at him. "That did not hurt. Bruised from earlier?" He nodded his head.

"Then be nice. Come on. I'll show you where everything is. Stay out of any rooms I tell you to stay out of. And make sure there's no chance anybody would know that you were here." I directed him around my kitchen, the living room, and then up the stairs to my room and bathroom. "I'll be out in a few minutes. One advantage of you being gay? I can walk around in a towel and not have it be awkward." I heard him start laughing as I walked up the stairs. 

I shouldn't be doing this. I've all ready done it too many times. This thought ran through my head repeatedly. But it didn't stop me from taking the knife out of my drawer. I walked into the bathroom and started the water in the bathtub. 

Postitioning the blade over my arm I pressed down and drew it across the skin. I felt the moment of relief and did it again. Three on each arm. That's my limit. Not too deep. But deep enough to have to have it bandaged. I watched the blood as it ran down the drain. I didn't bother with shampoo or conditioner. Just rinsed the egg out of my hair and washed the remaining blood down the drain. 

"I'm out of the shower! I'll be out in a minute!" I looked down at the pile of clothes on the floor and realized I'd left my stuff in my room. Shit. Opening the door slowly I looked down the hall. I could hear him still down stairs. I ran across the hall and into my room, slamming the door. I quickly found some clothes. That's when i saw it. The trail of blood leading across the floor. 

"Casey? Are you okay?" I could hear Isaac coming up the stairs. "Yeah! I'm fine. Just, umm... Just hold on a minute." I heard him pause outside my door. "Can I come in?" I looked at my arms and saw the blood was starting to congeal. I repositioned them so the cuts didn't show.

"Yeah. Go ahead." I pulled on some underwear just as he was opening the door. I sat there with the towel wrapped around me.

"Are you okay? What's going on?" I was shaking but I didn't care.

"I'm fine. Can you- Uh, can you get into that drawer over there? And get me a long sleeved shirt? And then the bottle of pills off the dresser?" 

"Yeah. Do you need some water?" I shook my head. He handed me the pills first. I popped the bottle over and placed one of them on my tongue. I swallowed and soon felt myself calming. "Here." He handed me the shirt. Black. Good. I pulled on my jeans and turned around while I put on my bra. I was just pulling my shirt over my head when I heard him take a sharp gasp of breath. 

"Casey? Is that, is that what I think it is?" I turned my head and saw him pointing at the floor where there was a small dark spot. Blood. "I don't know. What do you think it is?" He looked at me and before I knew it he was grabbing my arm. My first instinct was to jerk back. But he held me firm and pushed up the sleeve, disrupting the clotting and sending more blood running down my arm.

"Let go. Please." I whispered this. He loosened his grip on my arm and sat down on the bed. I started walking out of the room to go get a washcloth to clean up the trail running across the floor. "Casey. You, you don't have to do that. What's going on?" I shook my head and grabbed the pills off my night stand getting ready to take another one. 

I felt his hand cover mine just as I was about to open the cap. "Casey? Come on. What is it?" I shook my head and jerked my hand back. "It's nothing. Leave me alone." I turned and uncapped the bottle pouring out more pills than necessary. I dumped most of them back into the bottle and took the remaining ones.

"Casey! We're home! Where's our snack?" I looked at him and motioned to the window. "I'm fine. Please. Go. Just, leave it alone. Leave that part of me alone. I'll be out in a minute." He looked at my arm one more time before walking to the window.

I quickly cleaned the blood off the floor and made it look like I'd never come back. For good measure I put the bottle back on the dresser. Quickly pulling a new hoodie on I paced to the window and climbed out onto the ledge. Positioning myself so I'd land on the trampoline I realized something. Isaac was still standing there. Watching me. Horrified.

I placed my finger to my lips as a motion for him to be quiet and then I jumped. I hit the trampoline and bounced once before I rolled off. "Okay. Let's go before they see me." He watched me warily as I pulled my hood up around my face and started walking.

He grabbed my arm gently and turned me to face him. "Casey, come on. Why?" I didn't even bother to pull my arm back this time. "Because. That's it. Because. Just leave it alone. Please. Just leave it alone..."

I expected him to drop my arm or do something to distance himself from me. Instead he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in closer to him. Kissing my forehead he whispered in my ear, "You don't need to do that. But, okay. I'll leave it alone. If only to keep you from doing it again."

And that's when the first tear rolled down my cheek.

Tears

I knew after that first tear came out, I wouldn't be able to stop the flow that was coming after. I just ducked my head and headed towards the truck. Climbing into it I realized that I had mascara running down my face. Making an attempt to wipe it away I only made it worse. Finally I just gave up.

I pulled my hood tighter around my face and curled up as small as I possibly could. I heard Isaac climb into the truck and put his seat belt on. After a minute he said, "Where are we going?" Not knowing what to say I just shook my head and shrugged. 

"Okay. I'll take you back to my house." At those words I looked up at him. I knew I was safe. But I didn't know what I would run into at his house. "No. It's fine. Just- Just go straight for two blocks then turn right and keep going until you hit a dirt road. It'll take us out to the park." 

He didn't say anything to acknowledge he heard this. Just started driving. I curled myself back up to ward off the shaking that was threatening to overcome me. Why hadn't I grabbed my pills. That's when I remembered I had a baggy of them in my wallet. I reached into my pocket and pulled it out. Sure enough, there was the baggy. I took two of them out and stuck them in my mouth. After a few minutes it stopped.

"What are those for?" I hadn't realized that he was watching me. I looked down at the bag and tried to think what the doctor had said. After a few minutes of silence I gave up. "It's some sort of weird anxiety disorder. When I get upset or over excited I start to shake. It's kind of like a seizure except not nearly as bad. The doctor my parents took me to said when ever I feel like I'm about to go into one, when I start shaking, take two of them. If that doesn't work take another one until it stops. I've only managed to go up to five so far." 

I sat up to see where we were and realized we were almost to the park. "So, why did you pick this park? I saw plenty of them in town." I wasn't going to tell him why I picked this park. That was too personal. Instead I just said, "I have some really good memories here. Before everything got really bad..." 

"Got bad as in?" He let the question hang there. How would I explain to him about my family? About my brother? About Tyler? About everything...

"Umm... I don't want to go into that. Just, some really bad stuff happened. And this is where I always came. Up until about two years ago..." I could still remember it like it was yesterday.

***

It was four o' clock. Everybody had just gotten out of school. My older brother and his friend, Tyler, decided to take me to the park. I was excited. Although I was grumpy that Tyler was coming. This was supposed to be mine and Jason's special place. Where he took me to calm me down when I started having the anxiety attacks. 

After a while though I was also extremely glad that he had come. They were playing with me. Tossing me into the water in the shallow end. Swimming around. Just acting like good older brothers. My brother, though, after a while climbed out of the water and left me and Tyler alone. I didn't know where he had gone. All I knew is that Tyler started looking at me weird. 

I didn't like it. But I didn't say anything. That is until he grabbed me and tried ripping my bathing suit off. I screamed as loud as I could. But nobody came. I was fourteen so I knew exactly what was happening. Tyler was two years older than me. I knew it wasn't right. But he overpowered me. By a lot. I finally just went limp after a few minutes and when he was done he got out of the water and left me lying there on the grass.

Nobody came. I wound up having to walk home. When I got there I found out that Jason had left because Tyler had pissed him off. He thought that I was safe. He felt so guilty when I told him about it that he took his own life. Jason had always been my protector. He had always kept everybody else away when I went into one of my attacks. He kept the demons in my head away. But he couldn't keep me safe from his friend.

I didn't tell anybody else. Jason never told anybody. So Tyler's still out there. Still wandering around. I'll see him every once in a while and he still looks at me like he did that day. When I see him I turn and go in the opposite direction. Only once has he ever approached me. I screamed and took off. After that he kept his distance.

It was never enough to keep away the nightmares. To keep away the attacks. To hide in my own little world. I always had those memories. And there was no changing that...

***

When I hadn't said anything for a few minutes Isaac started talking. "You know, you don't have to do that," he said this gesturing to my arms. I pulled my sleeves down farther. "There are other ways to take care of stuff. If it's just from the attacks then there are other ways to relieve it. I got so much crap in school. Nobody ever left me alone. But I never tried anything. I'm going to guess that you have though. Is that why you missed school for a month? Because you tried something?"

I sat there staring out the window. We were pulling into the park. Nobody was here. Good. As soon as the car was stopped I jumped out and headed down the trail to the grass. I got into the middle of it and just laid down. I heard him follow me down. After a minute his shadow fell across me. 

"Yes. Okay? Yes." I could feel the tears threatening to make their way out. "I'd had a horrible day at school. Everybody in my house was being ignorant because I had come out. Nobody wanted me around. I used to have friends. Okay? But, I lost them all. I used to have a boyfriend too. You know who that was? That prick who threw the eggs and water at me. He ditched me. My friends ditched me." By this point I was bawling. Isaac sunk down to the ground beside me. 

"I just got so sick of it all. Nobody wanted me around. They all told me, even my parents, that I would be better off dead. Because I was a freak. Nobody wanted me around. The first time I cut, it felt good. It felt like I finally had control over something. I knew what I wanted. So, I tried overdosing. My younger sister found me on the floor. They rushed me to the hospital. I woke up with nobody there. Nobody. They thought that I had been a drop off by somebody who didn't want to deal with me. Okay? I had to walk home when I was released. And the frist thing my parents told me when I walked in the door was that the dishes needed to be done and that the trash needed taken out. 

"I tried talking to them. But they just didn't want to hear it. Mark told me that I needed help. All my friends told me they didn't want to be caught hanging around with some suicidal maniac. So, what did I get? Nothing. The second that they knew what I was then-" He had kept silent, but Isaac cut me off right there.

"What you were? You're not a what. Or an it. Or a thing. You are a human being. Casey, don't you udnerstand that?" He was sitting in front of me now. I looked at him and saw that look again. A look of pity. 

"If you think that, then go tell everybody at school. Everybody in my house. Fuck Isaac. They don't want me here. None of them do. And I bet you that by the end of the week, you're going to be fed up with me. You're going to get tired of being known as 'Schizo's friend'. You're going to get labeled a freak too. And so you're going to leave."

He looked at me like I had just insulted him. "I'm not going to leave. Ever. Come here." He had his arms opened up. I sat up and he pulled me over so he was holding me in his lap. He started rocking back and forth. I felt like a child. But I felt safe.

"I'm not going to leave. I've only known you for a few hours. But I can tell you that much. I'm not ever going to leave. Even when you scream at me. Even when you tell me thate you hate me. Even if you tell me to leave you alone. Do you understand me? You're a beautiful girl. And if I wasn't gay, you'd be my first pick for a girlfriend." By now he was murmurring these things in my ear. I felt him start to lay back so I was still wrapped up in his arms, but so that he wasn't in such an awkward position. 

I turned so my face was hidden in his shirt so he couldn't see the tears running down my face. I felt him brushing my hair back on my head and that's when he started humming. No particular song. Just humming. But I didn't want a song. I didn't care. I just wanted to be in a safe place. And I finally was. After two long years, somebody finally did the one thing that I'd wanted for so long. 

Somebody made me feel safe. Made me feel loved. Made me feel like I didn't have to try and kill myself. Made me feel like a person again. Until I heard the car doors slamming and the laughter. And that one voice. That one distinguishable voice. My worst nightmare had come back to haunt me. And it wasn't leaving easily this time.

Nightmares

I immediatly shrunk against Isaac. He looked up at the people and whispered in my ear. "Don't worry. It's just a bunch of college kids. Nobody from school." I just shook my head and said, "It doesn't matter. I know one of them. I don't want him anywhere near me. Keep him away from me." He just nodded and wrapped an arm around me protectively. The other one reaching for something behind him.

"Hey Casey! Long time no see! How's Jason doing? Haven't seen him sense he ditched us here last time." I glared at him knowing full well that he knew where Jason was. "Hey, see you got yourself a friend there. Don't worry, man. Not gonna trespass on your territory. All ready been there once. Although it might be kind of fun to make a return trip."

I tensed up at the last remark. I heard a voice in my ear. "What is he talking about? He's too old for you." I just shook my head and shrunk even more. By now both arms were around me and he was shifting himself so that if needed he could let go of me and get in front of me quickly. 

"Oh, come on Case. Don't you want to have some fun? I'm sure my buddies would give us some private time. Your friend there, though, I'm not so sure. Would you have a problem with that buddy?" The next sound I heard was not human. "You fucking come near her, and you will be picking up your teeth for a week. Understand? Or do I need to demonstrate?" The response to this was laughing. I opened my eyes only to see that he had moved closer to me.

I was getting ready to get up and run but with Isaac's arms around my waist I couldn't. I turned to him and whispered, "Let me up. I'll be fine. Promise." He looked unsure, but let me go anyways. I stood slowly wiping my remaining tears off of my face.

"Okay, Tyler. Here's how it's going to be. You're going to leave me the fuck alone, or I'm going to turn you in. Don't think I don't still have that scar. And the bathing suit. It's torn. And I took picutres of the bruises." He didn't even flinch. Just kept smiling. I could hear Isaac coming up behind me. He kept his distance this time, though. I could hear him breathing quickly. 

"Oh really? I'd like to see that. It'd be fun to go another round in the water though. What do you think?" He started walking towards me until he was mere inches from my face. "Try it, you little bitch. I'll just tell everybody that you're bi and that you tried killing yourself. Don't think I haven't kept up on the news." What I did next probably wasn't the wisest thing I'd ever done. But I didn't care. I spit in his face then stepped on his toes. He went to swing at me, but the next thing I heard was a fist, I assumed Isaac's, connecting very solidly with Tyler's nose and jaw.

"I told you that you touch her, you'd be picking up teeth." He grabbed my hand and led me back to the truck. Helping me in, I saw Tyler literally picking up teeth. At least five. Damn. 

"Would you like to explain to me what made you think that it was a good idea to spit in his face? Especially since he's at least a foot taller than you. And could have easily broken you in half like a tooth pick."

I didn't know what to say other than, "I was getting tired of him. He's one of the reasons why I have so many problems. I wasn't going to let him intimidate me again." I turned to look at him and waited for an answer. When none came I continued on to the truck. 

"You mind letting me in? I'd like to get out of here before he regains his senses. Although with that hit he just took I think he might be out of it for a while..." He just laughed and hit the lock button on his keys. Opening the door I looked back to Tyler and his group of friends. The guys were talking to him. The girls were screeching. He was just standing there looking confused. 

"You know, if you keep getting yourself into trouble, I might have to put out a fee on being a body guard. Just saying." I rolled my eyes and sat back in the seat. He started laughing. When he started the truck I opened my eyes just in time to see Tyler glaring at me. Great. Maybe it would be a good idea to put Isaac on body guard duty after all. 

"So, are we going back to your house? Or do you want to come over to mine?" I looked at him and thought. If I went back to my house I'd get asked why my eyes were red and puffy. And why I snuck out of the house. If I went over to his house I'm going to have a very awkward confrontation with his parents. But, they also wouldn't condemn me if they found out about any of the shit that's going on with me.

"Your house. I'm not ready to go back to mine yet. I usually get in late anyways. It's really nothing new to me. Considering I've been locked out for days at a time." I relaxed into the seat and looked out the window as we drove back into town. He was concentrating on street signs when he suddenly hit the brakes. 

"Damn. Uhhh... I think we might have company..." I looked behind us and saw the jeep that Tyler had been in with his friends. I sunk down low into the seat and said, "What's your address? I've spent enough time wandering the streets that I know this town like the back of my hand." 

"I live on Fillmore. No clue what the exact address is. But I'll know the house when I see it."

I brought up the mental map of the town I had in my head and thought. "Okay. Go straight two blocks. Turn right go for one. Then double back around and head straight until you see your house." He looked confused at first but just shrugged his shoulders and hit the gas. I sunk lower into the seat and watched street signs making sure he was going the right way. 

"Okay. I see my house. They're still following us. Hold on." He pulled out a phone and started pushing random keys. When he set it back down he looked at me. I must have looked purely terrified because he just said, "It's fine. I was texting my dad to meet us outside. He knows you're with me. Just this way that ass hole won't try anything because there'll be witnesses."

I shook my head. "That won't stop him. Trust me. You saw what he tried to pull with that big group and you standing right there." I saw a look come across his face that said he understood that. But it didn't stop him. Suddenly we were pulling into a drive way in front of a small house. "Okay. Wait until my dad's on the porch. Then we can get out." 

We sat there for a couple of seconds until I saw a man who looked to be about in his late thirties come out onto the front porch. He signaled for us to get out of the truck. I hesitated but when I saw the look Isaac was giving me I opened the door.

"Isaac. How was school?" His voice had a gentle tone to it. But it held a note of surprise when he saw me. I must still have mascara all over my face. I went to pull my hood up when suddenly something grabbed my hand. I jerked it back but then calmed down when I saw a lady who didn't look much younger than his dad looking at me.

"Sorry, dear. You have leaves stuck in your hair. Maternal instincts kicking in." She dropped her hands and backed up a couple of feet looking surprised. Just then I heard Isaac speak up. "It was okay. Made a new friend. But, there are some ass holes that followed us up from a park that Casey here was showing me. And I may or may not have hit one of them..." 

His dad didn't look the least bit surprised. His mother, on the other hand, took a sharp breath in. "Isaac! I thought we talked about this. You agreed to at least try and go a week without any serious trouble!" I let out a shaky laugh at that. They all turned to look at me. This time when I pulled my hood up, nobody stopped me. 

I was just getting ready to say something when Isaac said, "Casey, this is my mom and dad, or as you can call them, Shayla and Dane." I stuck my hand out, but was instead met by an embrace from his mother. I was surprised. But then was even more surprised when his dad hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

As we headed inside his mother started talking. "It's very nice to meet you Casey. Isaac doesn't make friends very well. As you can see he looks slightly intimidating. Not just from his general appearance, but from his build." I knew what she was keeping back. But didn't say anything until Isaac said, "It's okay Mom. I told her. She's cool with it. In fact-" He shot me a look to make sure it was okay to tell them that I was bi. When I nodded my head he continued. "She's actually bi-sexual. She's got no problem with the piercings either. None of it. She's totally cool." 

As he said this he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in closer to him. "Found myself a buddy. She found herself a body guard." His dad smiled warmly at me and said, "Well, that's wonderful. You're welcome anytime Casey. So, do your parents know you're here? Or do you need to let them know where you are?" Isaac shot him a look and he immediatly quieted.

"Well, now that all that's sorted out, why don't we go inside?" His mother was headed up the steps. His father following quickly behind. I stood still not knowing what to do. When Isaac grabbed my hand and led me up the steps I followed without comment. "Let me see your bag and jacket. I'll go put them up in my room." I took them off, grateful that I was wearing a long sleeved shirt. I tugged the sleeves down and then crossed my arms. I stood in their living room awkwardly waiting for him to come back down.

After five minutes had passed and he still hadn't returned I turned towards the stairs. Well, I showed him my house. Why not take a look around his? I headed quietly up the stairs and came to a landing. Looking around I could see a short hall with a door at the end. This door had "Do Not Enter" signs all over it in rainbow letters and skulls. So, he's got pride in his sexual orientation. But he doesn't like people. Wow.

I was about to start calling out for him when I heard a voice behind me. "Who the hell are you?" I jumped and turned to see a guy who looked like he was a few years older than Isaac. I pulled my arms in closer to me and said, "I'm a friend of Isaac's... I'm Casey." When I offered my hand he didn't take it. Nor did he try and hug me. "What ever. Tell him that he shouldn't be leaving random strangers by themselves in our house. Bad things could happen..." He said this in a way that made me know he was joking. But it still gave me the creeps.

"I'll make sure to do that..." I backed up a couple of feet and stopped when I hit a door. "Do you have any idea where he would be?" He just laughed and shrugged. "I don't know anything that goes on in this house. Hey, you got a smoke? Isaac took my last pack and wouldn't give it back." I couldn't help but smile to myself knowing where that pack of cigarettes was. "Yeah. Except, they're in my bag. Which your brother has..."

"Isaac! You gotta give this poor girl her smokes back! Come on dude. She's shaking like a leaf." This time he wrapped an arm around me and led me to the door. What was with this family and touching? It took all my self control not to shrug out of his embrace. "Hold on! I'm changing. Jeez, Jordan. You gotta give me a minute." I heard him walk to the door. When he opened it he was standing in just a pair of pajama bottoms. 

He held out his hand and opened it. It contained my cigarettes and his lighter. "Here. I'm getting you a new lighter by the way. That's the only one I have."

I laughed and took the from him handing one to Jordan. "Oh, yeah. I'm Jordan, Isaac's adopted brother." He still had an arm around me but didn't have me pulled in as close as he did at first. I subtly pulled myself away from him and went to stand by Isaac.

"So, what are we going to do?" I looked at him and waited for an answer. "Well, I thought you could just hang out up here in my room with me. Is that okay? Or we could go downstairs with my parents..." I thought about this for a minute then said, "Ah. Might as well go downstairs. I like your parents. They're nice." I heard his brother walking down the stairs when I suddenly realized he'd taken my whole pack. "By the way I'll be needing my cigarettes back before I leave Jordan!" I heard him laugh as he went down the stairs. "Okay. Brother. Nice. Parents. Nice. Truck. Nice. Expect me to be over here a lot." He laughed and turned back into his room and started pulling something from my bag. 

"What are you-" He held up my iPod and phone. "Oh. Yeah, those might be good things to have. I took them and stuck them in my pockets. Making sure my sleeves were down I looked over at the stairs where his dad had suddenly appeared. 

"Is Casey going to stay for dinner?" He looked at me then at Isaac then back to me. 

"Yeah. She is. Is it okay if she stays over actually?" His dad got a confused look on his face but said, "I'll talk to your mother about it. Dinner's going to be ready in a few minutes. Want to come down?" 

"Yeah. Let me put on a shirt real fast." He turned back into his room and pulled a shirt from his bed. "All right, let's go. My mom's making lasagna. You a picky eater?" I shook my head and started feeling around for my wallet. "Shit. Did you see my wallet in there?" He walked to my bag and dug through it until he found what I was after. "How do you not overdose on those things? Seriously." He tossed me the baggy and then shoved my wallet back inside my back pack.

"I don't know. All I know is I've taken up to thirty in a day. This is a good day for me. I've only managed to take ten." He just shook his head and grabbed my hand again. "You know, if you keep grabbing my hand like that I'm going to get a bit worried." I pointed down to our interlaced fingers. He just laughed and said, "Don't worry. If I decide I need to give you a hug or anything I'll warn you first. I saw how you responded to my mom." 

Still keeping a hold on my hand he led me back down the stairs to where his family was getting seated around a table. An extra place had been set. I stood awkwardly for a minute before his dad said, "You gonna stand there and gawk or are you gonna sit your ass down?"

I laughed and said, "I don't know. My ass seems pretty happy right now, but I might as well sit down to make it warm and toasty." Isaac's mouth dropped open and his mother looked absolutely horrified. Jordan and his dad however started laughing. I walked and sat down between Isaac and Jordan. This was where I belonged. This was a home. A real home.

 

Why Not?

After dinner everybody went and sat down in the living room. Since I didn't know what else to do I followed closely behind Isaac. They all took random places around the furniture. Somebody in a chair. On the couch. In the window. Not wanting to draw attention to myself I stood in the farthest corner I could away from everybody. There had still not been an answer of whether I was sleeping over.

"So, Casey. What do you think of our house and our family? Feel free to tell us that we scared the shit out of you and that you never want to come back. It won't hurt our feelings." I sat there considering this question. After a couple of minutes I looked up and said, "I like it. You're all very nice. And you're understanding. Much more understanding than anybody at my house..." I rubbed absently at my wrist where there was a healing cut. Noticing that Isaac's mother was staring at me I quickly stopped and crossed my arms.

"Well, that's good to know. But, what do you really think? Honestly. There has to be something about us that must have made you feel odd or uncomfortable... How do you feel?" I looked to Isaac for help. He just shrugged his shoulders and stepped backwards so I would have to look directly at everybody. 

"I think, that you guys are amazing people. You accepted Isaac's sexuality with absolutely no problems. You adopted Jordan. Which I think is one of the most amazing things you could ever do. You're much more accepting than my family. And I feel a lot of stuff..." I let the sentence hang there. Looking up I could see his mother thinking about this. I was about to say something else, but was cut off by Dane. 

"Well, that's good to know. What is it that your parents don't like? Your sexual orientation? Your clothes? Your hair? I apologize. I'm a therapist. My wife was a guidance counselor and has a degree in psychology. We have the habit of psycho analyzing people..." I just shrugged my shoulders. This was nothing new to me. I was in the guidance counselor's office two or three times a week.

I didn't know what to say. I could answer all of these by themselves. I could lie. But, for some odd reason, I chose to tell the truth. Which is why I said, "They don't like me... They don't like what I am." I immediatly saw Isaac react to the 'what' phrase again. But this time he didn't say anything. Immediatly I felt somebody grabbing my hand and leading me to the couch.

When I looked up I was looking directly at Jordan. Why was he doing this? I looked up to see everybody else was leaving the room. I almost called for them to come back. But instead kept quiet. I looked back to him and could see his eyes searching my face. After my expression gave away nothing he immediatly went to my arms. Crossed defensively in front of me. Sleeves pulled down to cover my hands.

"I'm going to tell you something. And I want you to listen. Okay?" I nodded numbly. I didn't want to listen. But I didn't have much choice apparently. "You are not a what. You're a human being. You are not an it, a thing, an object of any sort. You have a pulse. You breathe. You move. If you were an object would you be able to do any of those things?" I thought about this for a minute before taking a shaky breath.

"No? Right? No. I don't know... I guess..." I let these stumble out of my mouth for reasons that are still unknown to me. He looked at my face. I expected to see pity, sorrow, anger. Any kind of emotion would have been better than the understanding look he was giving me. 

"No. You wouldn't. Now, I want you to uncross your arms and roll up your sleeves." At that I immediatly started to object. "No. I'm more comfortable with my sleeves down. I'm fine. Really..." I tightened my muscles up and folded in on my self so I wouldn't have to look at his face. It was a minute before I heard his voice at my ear.

"Casey. Look up for a minute. Please. I'm going to show you something." Something about the tone of his voice made it sound almost as if he were begging. I didn't unfold quite then though. I stayed like that for a minute longer before he said, "Casey, either you look on your own, or I'm going to make you look. Come on. It'll be okay." His voice was gentler now. I raised my head slowly I could see he had taken off his jacket and shirt, leaving only a thin undershirt. I recognized it immediatly.

The slash marks running up and down his arms. Scars that had healed long ago, but would never even out with the surface of his skin. The tell-tale scars showing that he had burned himself with something. There were even bite marks. "Casey. Do you see this? I took mine off. Come on. Let's see it." I slowly grabbed my sleeve and started pulling it down so I could take my shirt off. Glad I had chosen to wear an undershirt. 

He sat back on his heels while I pulled it over my head and set it on the couch next to me. Not knowing what to do with my arms, I immediatly followed instinct and folded them so the marks were hidden. "Let me see your arms. Please. I want to show you something. It's okay. You're safe here." He reached out and tentatively touched my leg. I jerked it back and slid a few inches away from him.

"Okay. You don't like being touched. Is that just being touched in general? Or do you want a warning before I make any physical contact with you?" I shrugged my shouders and I heard him take a breath in. "I think you know. You're just afraid that you're going to have the wrong answer. Right?" I was amazed at how right he really was. 

With tears forming in my eyes I nodded my head yes and instinctively reached for my hood to cover my face. But then realized it wasn't there. "Okay. Now, I'm going to tell you something. There are no right or wrong answers here. This is just what you're feeling. As long as you're honest, there'll be no problems. Okay?" I could hear the tone that his mother had used earlier when she apologized for startling me.

"Okay... Okay. Yes, I prefer a warning. I don't like being touched in general. But I prefer a warning over people just grabbing me." I looked at him and could see a mix of emotions cross his face. 

"All right. Now. Give me one of your arms. I'm going to grab hold of your hand and use the other one to point things out on your arms. Okay?" I nodded my head and slowly extended my arm. He gently took hold of my hand and took his other finger to start pointing out old scars. "See these? These are all finished stories. You started a whole novel when you made that cut. They're healed now. Eventually you might not even know they're there."

I was oddly intrigued at this. I watched him move on to some that had happened in the past year. "These, these ones still have room for improvement. Maybe some revisions? Maybe there's some corrections that need to be made. They're almost done. But not quite." The next he moved onto were ones within the month. "These are very new. You've barely made a dent in anything with them. You're always looking back at them. Always thinking what you could have done differently. How you could change them."

Slowly, so I knew exactly what he was doing, he traced the ones I had made that day. "And these," he said tracing over them, "are only titles, dedications, and a summary. Not even started. But there's an idea there. Do you see that?" I looked down through blurry eyes and saw his finger resting gently on my wrist. 

"Yes. I see. I guess. You're saying that every one of them has a reason for being there. That each one of them I started something and that I can finish them." He nodded his head slowly and rested his hands on my knees. My first instinct was to jerk back. He held his hands firmly in place and then, after a minute, he removed them. 

"I'm going to tell you something. And you're probably going to reject it. But, it worked for me when I was in foster care, and I think it'll work for you. Okay?" I nodded my head slowly, unsure of what he was going to do. "Okay. I don't like being touched either. I'm going to say that. I was abused by my dad after my mother died. I was taken out of my home after if going on for four years. I was sixteen when they took me out. You would have been?"

I looked up and thought. "I don't know. How old are you now?" 

"I'm eighteen. Two years older than Isaac. If you're his age, then you're sixteen. Right?" I nodded my head. After a second I added, "I'll be seventeen in a few days." 

"Okay. Then you would have been fourteen. I'm going to guess that things had just started happening. You were getting sick of everybody and everything. Right?" I nodded my head again, afraid to speak for fear of crying.

"Okay. Now, I had been cutting for about two years when they removed me. Nobody knew about it until I got put on a probation for cutting curfew and skipping school too many times. They wouldn't let me wear long sleeves because they were afraid I'd hide a knife in them. When my foster mom saw them, she almost fainted. The first thing she did was rush me to the emergency room. Afraid that I was slowly dying.

"After they checked me out and said everything with them was okay, they evaluated me for a month and came back saying that I was depressed, had anxiety, and that I was on the brink of being bi-polar. They put me into therapy and fed a bunch of medications down my throat. I didn't like that. I felt like I couldn't do anything. Everything was moving in slow motion it seemed like. 

"After they decided I was safe they slowly started weaning me off of all the medications except for something they called an "emergency prescription". This was for if my anxiety started acting up and I needed one. I never took any of those pills. I didn't want to go back to that other world where nothing is real. And here I am today. Still depressed. I still have anxiety. And I still have that bottle of pills sitting in my room. And you know what? Because of the house that I'm in now, I haven't even thought about cutting for a year and a half."

I felt him reach his hand up to my face. I flinched as he tucked a lock of hair behind my face. "I want you to stop cutting. Okay? And the next time you come over here, for every new cut you have, I am going to hug you for one minute. Understand? This is what they did with me. It was to get me to stop cutting. And it was to get me used to human contact. Kind of a reverse psychology sort of thing. But, it worked. I still don't appreciate being touched. But it's not nearly as bad." 

I looked up to him and closed my eyes as a tear rolled down my cheek. "Why? Why do you want me to stop? You don't have to put up with me. You don't have to worry about whether I'm going to wake up tomorrow. So why are you so concerned about this?" I could see him trying to think of something to say. When a few minutes had passed I looked him in the eye and said, "Exactly.You can't think of any reasons. Because you couldn't think of them. So, I leave you with the question: 'Why not?'. Because that's the only thing there is to say..."

I leaned back and closed my eyes. Hearing him exhale deeply I opened my eyes. He was just sitting on the floor watching me. I had put my shirt back on and had assumed my defensive position as before. I could see his eyes searching my face. Again, I reached behind me to pull my hood up again. And again I discovered it wasn't there.

"Why do you do that?" I jumped at the voice. I looked at Jordan and saw him looking at me inquisitively. 

"What? Do what?" I saw him slowly lean backwards until he was resting against the chair behind him. 

"Reach behind you like that. And then when you pull your hand back you look disappointed and scared. That's the second time you've done it." I thought of how I could explain it to him. I couldn't think of something technical, so I just said, "It keeps me safe... When I want to block everything out. And I don't want to see what's going on in the world, I pull my hood up. It keeps me safe from all the people who want to hurt me. And it keeps me safe from having people grab pieces of my hair and pull it..."

He thought about this for a minute before nodding his head. "Okay. That makes sense. It's a defense mechanism. Self preservation instincts kicking in. I get that." After a few more minutes of silence I heard the stairs squeak. I looked up to see Isaac standing on the stairs with some blankets in his hands. 

"I didn't know if you wanted to sleep down here or bunk with me... I talked to my parents and they said it's fine if you stay. You can stay as long as you feel you need to. My dad thought there was something that needed to be done tomorrow. I'm not going to say anyting, because I don't know how you'll respond. Just know that you have a place here in our family now. No matter what."

I stood slowly and heard Jordan standing up off the floor. He still hadn't put his shirt back on. "I'll bunk with you I guess. I don't really like being in living rooms... By myself anyways." I slowly started walking until I felt something grab my arm. I went to swing but before I could connect it grabbed my other arm. I calmed down when I saw Jordan had hold of both of my wrists. I still wanted out of his grip though.

"I'm starting this today. You have six cuts. That means six minutes. But, since it's your first time, I'll half it. Okay?" I tensed up as he wrapped his arms around me. After a minute and nothing happened I relaxed into his embrace. He was warm. And it felt good to be pressed up against him. Safe. Secure.

When he let me go he smiled at me and said, "There. That wasn't so bad was it?" I was shaking slightly and knew I was getting ready to have an attack. I shook my head and immediatly reached into my back pocket. Pulling the baggy out I heard Jordan gasp.

"Is that what I think it is?" I looked up at him as I popped two of the pills into my mouth. "What? They're anxiety medications..." He shook his head and said, "That's what the doctors put me on. Is that- Is that why you were shaking upstairs earlier?" I nodded my head as a look of knowing came over his face.

"Oh. Okay then. Well, I'll let you guys get up to bed. I'll be down here if you need anything." I heard Isaac come up behind me. I tensed up as he grabbed my hand again. I let myself be led up the stairs. When we got to the landing he looked at me and said, "He told you that you needed to stop cutting. Didn't he?" I nodded my head. He breathed in slightly and said, "What did you say?" 

I looked up at him and grinned slightly. "I asked him why not cut?" He remained speechless as I walked past him to his room. 

Morning Glories

 I woke up and rolled over. I almost screamed. I didn't recognize the room I was in or the arm that was draped protectively around me or the arm that my head was using as a pillow. It took me a minute for everything to come back to me. Tyler, Mark, my family. How I got brought over here after Tyler tried to kill me.

Being careful not to wake Isaac I woke slowly sat up. Instead of getting out of the bed I suddenly found myself pinned down. I did my best not to scream and instead rolled over to see Isaac's eyes watching me. 

"You're a very heavy sleeper. You didn't wake up at all last night. Not even when went through your bag and found this..." He held up a blade that I had concealed in the bottom of my bag. Damn it.

"Why did you-" I was abruptly cut off when the door opened. I heard footsteps as our visitor walked across the floor and opened the curtains. This was not something that ever happened to me. 

"Oh God damnit! Fuck!" I threw the blanket over my head. Giving my self a minute to calm down I slowly peeked my head out to see the sun shining right into the window. "Please, do not ever do that again. I don't do sunlight well. But especially not at twelve in the afternoon on a Saturday..." I looked apologetically at the offender. Giving my eyes a second to adjust I saw Jordan watching me. He glanced at Isaac. Was that jealousy I saw?

"Mom told me that I had to get you two up. Figured this would be the best way to do it. Sorry." He stalked out of the room slamming the door. I flinched and turned back to Isaac. I was going to figure out why he went through my stuff. Now.

"Now, as I was saying. Why did you go through my stuff?" I wasn't so much angry as more a feeling of violation was slowly seeping into me. Nobody ever went through my stuff. Not even the police when they came to the school. Everybody left me alone...

"I wanted to see if you had any clothes for today. You know, most people don't walk around with three full sets of clothing and a hundred dollars in their back pack... Were you planning something? Or was that just a back up plan? If something else didn't work?" I felt him brush his finger gently over my wrist. I snatched it away and looked at the wall behind him while I spoke. "I was planning on it... One day I was just going to tell my parents I had to stay after school. And I was going to walk as far as I could. Then I was going to hitch-hike. But, I never got around to it. But you don't know how handy it is to have all that extra stuff when you are constantly being turned into a human target..." 

I let the sentence drift off as I continued to stare at the wall. I heard him breathe in like he was about to say something. When I didn't hear anything I looked at him. He was watching the door. I heard it open and heard footsteps again. "Do you guys want anything for lunch?" It was Jordan again. His voice sounded slightly strained. I turned to look at him and noticed he wasn't making eye contact with Isaac. Nor was he looking at me. He was just staring at the carpet.

"I'll eat. Just give me a minute to get dressed..." I quickly disentagled myself from Isaac and his bed and stood up. Walking to get my bag I realized my pills were missing. "Where are my pills?" I looked at Isaac and saw him reach up to the shelf above his bed. He tossed them to me and I saw at least half of them were gone. 

"Left some of them up there for safe keeping. Just in case. You can take a shower. Down the hall, second door to your right." I grabbed my clothes and made a hasty retreat. I could hear low voices as I walked down the hall and then suddenly, "That doesn't mean a fucking thing and you know it! You know me!" It was Isaac. I could only imagine what they were talking about...

I turned into the room that I assumed was the bathroom. It was thank God. Turning on the shower I quickly got undressed. Five minutes. That's the amount of time I was given at home. No more. Any more and I'd be grounded for a week. Quickly rinsing myself off I jumped out and towled off. I could hear somebody coming down the hall way. I was just securing the towel around me when Shayla suddenly walked in. 

"Hey, sorry. I didn't realize you were in here." I just shook my head. 

"No. It's fine. I just actually got out." She looked at me and gave a slight nod. "The shower wasn't even running for five minutes. You can get back in. I didn't know you were in here otherwise I would have knocked first."

"No. Five minutes was all. That's all I get at my house anyways. It's just kind of drilled into me." I pulled on some under wear and my jeans. I turned away as I put on my bra and shirt. Short sleeves. Damn it all to Hell. I crossed my arms across my chest and turned back to her.

"You don't have to hide your arms. I know. Jordan told me everything last night after he got done talking to you. This is a safe place, Casey. You don't have to hide. You can be yourself." I let this sink in. The words don't, hide, and yourself all in this same speech. The only one that really stuck out, though, was safe place. No place was a safe place. Not even my head.

"No. It's fine. I'll be going in a little bit. So, umm... Yeah. I've got to go make sure all my stuff is together." I went to walk past her but she caught my arm gently. Resisting the urge to immediatly pull away from her, I let her sit me down on the floor. Reaching behind her, she locked the door and then sat down.

"Casey, do you want to go home? Right now? Right at this very minute? Do you ever want to go home?" I was looking at the floor as she said this. No. No, I didn't. But I wasn't going to become a nuisance.

I didn't know I had said these things outloud, but I must have because she suddenly said, "You are never, under any circumstances, going to become a nuisance.

"Now, I'm going to set up the spare room so that you have a place to stay when ever you need it. I'm going to give Isaac my credit card and he's going to take you to get stuff for that room. That's your room now." I let this sink in. This couldn't be happening. People were being nice. No. This didn't happen. Not to me. Not ever to me. Why were they being nice to me?

"Why- Why are you being so nice to me?" I let these words slip out shakily and I heard her sigh. "Becasue, Casey, that's what people do. Good people. We are good people. You don't have to worry about anything. Now, I want you to get up, go into Isaac's room and put all your stuff in that spare room. I'm going to downstairs and finish lunch. Okay?" I nodded and stood up with her. She wrapped me up in a quick embrace then walked out of the room.

Giving my self a minute to calm down and gather my things I thought about waht I had just been told. There were good people in the world. Good people? Yeah, that was so going to happen. Good people didn't exist for me. They did for other people. But never, not once, had they ever existed for me. 

I walked out of the bathroom and down to Isaac's room. I could hear mumbling coming from inside the door. I slowly turned the knob and poked my head inside. I saw Isaac and Jordan both look up from the bed at me. I smiled tentatively and said, "Isaac, your mom said that I can put my stuff in the spare bedroom... Where is it?" I stood back slowly as he glanced at Jordan and got up off of the bed. 

"Give me like, two seconds. Jordan, you can either stay and talk, or you can wait... Your choice. I have to help her with this." I saw him look at me then back to Jordan. When Jordan didn't say anything he just shrugged his shoulders. "Your choice. Whatever man. Just, do me a favor, don't terrify her..." At those words I looked at Jordan.

"Don't worry. You're going to be fine. I just wanted to talk to you later about something important. Would that be okay? Or would you rather do it now?" I thought about this for a second. From the look on his face I decided he didn't want to do it now. "We can talk later. What I'd really like right now is my sweater. I'm feeling completely out of my element without it."

Isaac chuckled and tossed it to me. Pulling it on I immediatly felt myself calm down. I looked over at him and then back to the door. "Well, are we going to go? I'd kind of like to see what I have to work with here. And what's my budget?" His head shot up at the last word. 

"Budget? Casey, my dad's a psychologist. My mom has a lot of spare time so she does a lot of weird stuff that brings in quite a bit of money. Jordan works all the time. You don't have a budget. We're going to get you what ever you want." With those words he threw his arm over my shoulder and led me down the hall.

"You're kidding right? I've got money in my bag. I can use that. It's really no problem." He just rolled his eyes and pushed the door open. I looked at the room carefully. Two windows. Walk in closet. My own bathroom? "Holy. Shit. Is that a bathroom?" Isaac looked at it then to me. 

"Yup. You seem surprised. Why?" I laughed and looked at the floor. "I have my own bathroom at my house. Except, I never get to use it." He looked at me like I was lying or something. "I'm not joking. I got banned from that bathroom and I don't even know why..."

He didn't say anything just shook his head. "Well, this one's all yours. Feel free to use it any time you want. No rules on the amount of time you can take to shower!" He smiled at me and I just laughed. 

"Well, maybe we should go downstairs and eat something and then get headed to the mall." I looked over to see him walking back towards his room. "Hey! What're you doing?" He either was ignoring me or didn't hear me. I followed him quickly and saw him with Jordan. I stopped short when I saw the flowers in Jordan's hand. 

"I thought you might want something for your room. Morning glories. For our own morning glory." He grinned sheepishly as he handed them to me in a vase. I took it tentatively and smiled up at him. "Thanks."

"No problem." With that he was out of the room and walking back to his own. I looked questioningly at Isaac. He just shook his head and said, "You'll have to talk to him later. Now, how about the mall?"

Kissing Up

Walking up to the mall I felt myself go stiff. I had only been in here a couple times. And never on the weekends. All the kids from school were here during the weekends. Isaac hadn't noticed me stop and kept walking. When he realized I wasn't with him he turned around and came back. "Hey, it's going to be all right. Okay? Come on. You're with me. You'll be fine." 

"I dont know... I- I only come here once every couple of months. I don't know where anything is. It's all just one big jumbled up mess." He watched my face as I said this taking it all in.

"That's fine. Here, let me see your hand. If anybody asks, though, I will tell them I'm gay. I don't care if it's kids from school or not." I felt him intertwine his fingers in mine and guide me gently down the sidewalk. I looked down at my feet as we walked. I needed some new shoes...

"Yo! Schizo!" I kept my head down but pulled my hood up. I knew exactly who it was. And I wasn't going to respond. I could feel Isaac gripping my hand tighter now. "Don't listen to them. Just keep walking. You're fine. If they come anywhere near you, I'll protect you. Come on." He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kept pushing me forward.

"I was talking to you. Hello? What, gonna let your boyfriend protect you? God, you are such a fucking slut. No wonder Mark dumped you. You can't keep your legs together." I felt Isaac slow and let go of me. He stepped in front of me as he spoke. "I am not her boyfriend, thank you very much. In fact, I'm gay. Now, if you have any further commentary I'm sure that everybody in the mall would love to hear you calling this poor girl a slut."

He looked right at them without any hesitation in his voice or stance. They stood there quietly before they started laughing. "Dude! You just admitted you're gay! You have no shame bro. No shame. Man, I'd say I respect you but- I can't have respect for a queer. Let's get out of here guys." They walked down the sidewalk and eventually turned a corner. 

"You're shaking." I looked at my hand to see that I was indeed shaking. "Yeah... I guess I am..." He looked at me carefully before saying, "Do you want your pills?" I looked at the ground as I spoke. "No. I'm just going to let this one run its course. I'm done with this. With everything... Let's go shop..." 

I went around him and started walking. I heard him run to catch up with me. "Casey... What's going on?" I ignored him as I walked into the first store I saw that sold bedding. "Casey. Talk to me. Please. What's going on?" I continued to ignore him. I walked faster and I could hear him struggling to keep pace. Suddenly he grabbed my arm. "Casey. What's going on?" 

I stopped and looked at him. How could I explain this? "My mom called... She left a message on my phone. She said that she wasn't going to have some freak like me living in her house. She said she went through my drawers. She found my knife. The blades. The pills... She said I can't ever come back. She said that if I come back then she's calling the cops..." I stood there looking at him as he took all of this in. I had checked my phone while I was waiting for him to get ready before we left his house. Mom had always told me I had to be out at eighteen. She had never said anything about kicking me out. 

 

Impressum

Texte: This is all written by me. I'm basing it very, VERY loosely off of my own life experiences. If you would like to use any of the material in it, please inbox me regarding which material and I'll get back to you.
Bildmaterialien: All images were taken off of Google. None of them are done by me.
Lektorat: Me
Übersetzung: Me
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 27.04.2013

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Widmung:
I'm going to dedicate this to everyone who's struggled with anything in their life that they didn't want to share with people. I know what it's like. There's always a reason behind it. There's at least one person that you can talk to. No matter what. Think really hard about it. Because there's always at least one person who you would hurt by leaving. Remember that. Love you guys! You're all great!