Amy

Dear Amy,

I'm writting this to tell you that I'm still in love with you and that I'm sorry I had to break up with you. I should also tell you that there's no need for you to blame yourself for that. No, you're the one to be blamed for everything we had and I'm the one to be blamed for everything that we've lost. We were trying to sail away from this cruel world, hoping that we'll find a better world to live. Unfortunately, I was the one to say that we won't be able to find that world together. I thought that loneliness would help me get out of everything that made me sick in the final round of our game. But it didn't. No, it just gave me more burden to bear!

Have I ever told you about me first seeing your eyes? I think no. You know, for me the eyes are the ones that define how the girl looks both outside and inside. Oh those beautiful eyes of yours! I think I'll never again meet the girl with the eyes like those. I was always wondering how they could be real. I thought I was just dreaming all those times we had with each other. Before I met you, I could only dream about the smell of your hair which was able to make me fall asleep every time I sensed it.

I was impressed by all the parts of your body, but what's the most important, I was also impressed by the soul which was laying inside them. Because you live in a far-away land, everyone thought that our love wouldn't last so long. But you made them regret that even came up in their minds. You survived the most dangerous moments of people's lives and still stayed on top of the world. And also brought me with you. Well, it's not that every girl would do that for me. Neither one of them would, I'm sure.

Well, I think that it was quite enough said about those good moments that we had too many during our living apart, but together. Let's focus for a while on the other sides of those times. I know, they didn't have so much influence in you. In fact, all the burden you had to bear was made by me breaking up with you. And I'm saying again that I'm sorry for that. I didn't know where my mind was those days. But I think that just two or three sentences won't help you see what I was going through those times, so I'm going to write you everything that comes up to my mind. Read on if you want to find out what the main reasons for my betrayal were. And I promise you now that everything you're going to read is true.

A girl on a swing

Yes, Amy, I am going to write you about some other girl. But here I promise you that there was nothing between us except friendship.

Well, I think that I have already told you some things about her. You know those stuff like how I met this girl, right? You know, the girl who I saw sitting on a swing and not swinging. I told you once, I think, how some other girl, who I've recognized from before, but much younger than the three of us, sat next to her and talked to her for a while. And then just dissapeared. I have been doing some other stuff, so I wasn't really going to sit on the other swing and talk to her, but then I realised that it would be better for me. I thought maybe that would make it clear what was going on.

So I sat next to her. Her head hasn't moved a bit. I was wondering whether it was the right time to be so close to her. Then I tried to start a conversation with her:

Hey!

Hey! she answered.

Silence.

My name is Emily. she said finally. Yours?

My name is Evan. I replied.

She still didn't move her head a bit. I was wondering what that was supposed to mean. I thought she just didn't want to talk to me. But then I realised I was wrong when she finally tried to continue our little conversation:

I am about to turn 18 years old. I will no longer be just another child in this world.

When?

In a few months.

Well, that day isn't really near.

To me it is. I've been thinking of my 18th birthday every day since I turned 17. I just can't believe that I survived 17 years.

She seemed to be happy, but there was something in her words that just meant the opposite.

I don't really know why, but I started to believe that she was really happy.

So, how is your life? she asked me.

Not so bad, but not so good either.

What do you mean by that "no so good"?

Well, I don't really love to live here. I have a girlfriend and I know she loves me so much, but she lived in a far-away land so we don't have pretty much time to see each other.

She loves you though. She must be really good for not betraying you. How long have you two been together?

2 years until now.

Well, that is a long-lasting relationship, I see. I don't really know about relationships so much, but I can tell something because I love to listen to romance radio dramas. I don't think that's enough though, because I have to have my own relationship if I want to know enough about the relationships of other people.

You say that you've never had a boyfriend.

No, I haven't. But you said your life doesn't really go so well. What do you mean by that?

It's all because of the other people. I don't know why I even hang out with them. They could be so cruel sometimes. But sometimes they are like my best friends.

They're lying when they're saying or acting like they are your best friends. In fact, if they were your best friends, they wouldn't be so cruel to you anytime.

Maybe you're right.

Well, I'd love to be "maybe" right.

Silence. Then I hear her voice again:

I have to go now. It's late.

Late?

Yes!

But it's only 15 o'clock.

I know. I'll be glad if we meet again. Bye!

Bye!

By then I didn't know what to think. It was like everything was weird enough to make me feel like dreaming.

But I knew I wasn't dreaming.

Again on a swing

Two weeks have passed since I saw her. I thought I would never see her again. I started to feel like she doesn't want me to talk to her again or even meet her.

That day I was sitting on a swing when she came to me. She was kinda searching for the swing in front of her. She could barely find it. I didn't care about that though so I wasn't really thinking about it when she finally took her place and sat down on the swing next to mine. Why I didn't care - well, I've got a reason for that but it's stupid. I didn't care about that because I cared about something else - talking to her about my problems, which she could solve correctly.

I called her name and she called mine. Then I said:

Hey, I've got something to tell you, if you don't mind.

Why would I mind? You're my friend. You can tell me whatever you want and keep other stuff as your own secrets if you want that.

Then we talked about these problems.

And everytime I saw her, we would talk about my problems. I found that she was a really good girl who I could talk to about my problems anytime I meet her.

What fascinated me everytime was how easy those problems seemed to her. It was like she had got her own problems which were more difficult to solve.

I wanted to meet her every day of my life.

She introduced me to her parents when they came to us and they also seemed really good in a first place. She told me then where she lived and that I could call her anytime I wanted to hang out with her.

And so I did. I called her every day. And every day we were talking about the same things, but we weren't bored. She was one of the rare people who were good to me.

Then I started to talk to her about you. Everytime I did so, she seemed a bit nervous. I thought it was because she hasn't ever had a boyfriend - which she told me earlier. But even though she didn't have any experience on that side of life, she was really good at talking to me about that. I told her that you and I have seen each other only once and then stayed connected by phone lines and social networks. She seemed to know exactly how difficult it is for me to protect our relationship from the distance as our enemy.

But the last day always comes when we don't expect it.

Another and last time on a swing

Well, I didn't know that this would be the last time I met Emily on her swing. At first, it was just another ordinary day.

But, what wasn't really good was that her mood wasn't very good while we were talking. She asked me if I had some problems in my life and we talked about them. Also, we had some time to talk about music and movies and literature. For the first time. That topic was started by her:

What music do you listen to?

Well, mostly I listen to some old rock songs.

Rock?

Yes.

What bands do you like to listen mostly?

Well, something like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles, but I listen also to some other music groups.

I also like those two bands. Especially The Beatles. I like their songs such as Yesterday.

Well, that song is really great.

Yes.

What about movies?

I don't watch movies, only radio dramas.

Literature?

I don't read books.

Why?

Well, I won't explain you that right now. All you have to know about me is written in this letter.

She gives me the letter. I must say that I've seen she holds that letter so tight. Like she was trying to prevent it from falling down to the ground.

I'll read it carefully, I promise.

You don't have to.

Well, I want to.

OK. Just don't read it right now! Nor today nor tomorrow!

Why not?

You'll read about that too.

OK. I cannot promise you that! Only that I won't read it right now, in front of you.

Well, I know your patience isn't on a good level. I've been reading that in-between your words when you talked about your problems.

Well, I must say you're a good reader.

Also I want you to ask you for one another favor!

What is it?

Don't ever come to my house again in order to call me!

Why not?

Well, maybe I won't be there!

Are you saying that you're moving somewhere else?

No! Maybe I'll come to you sometimes. Not 'maybe'! I will surely do! An answer to any question that you asked me today is inside that letter.

OK.

I have to go inside now! I would love to see you again! Goodbye!.

I knew I was going to read it really carefully. I didn't know what all those stuff meant. I wanted all those questions I asked her to day to be solved.

And then I came home and did what she told me not to do - I read her letter.

A letter she wrote

Dear Evan,

Please forgive me for not telling you all these stuff. I know I should have told you all of this. But, you know, it was impossible for me. I just didn't want you to bear this burden like I did. You had some other things to worry about so why should you worry then about this!

I'm glad you talked to me about Amy. It really helped me, you know? Well, I finally got something to think about. And everything I told you about her is what I really meant. You two make such a good couple and I promise you that you will last forever. Just don't ever think about the opposite!

And I hope you'll find some friends that'll respect you just as much as you respect them. Take a chance on all those people that come into your life. Maybe some of them will be better than I was.

I want to thank you for all that you've done to me. I told you I finally got some things to think about. I was finally into something. You know, in my life there wasn't enough time for those complicated things to happen though I was hoping there was.

I think that you should know about the problems I have had all those years. You know, tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday and so I was hoping that you'd be glad to know some things about me, that I was never about to tell you. Not even close to telling you. But you know, I said that you shouldn't read it today or tomorrow, counting from the day I gave you the letter. No, I don't want to worry about me on my birthday. Nor I want you to come to me on that day. But not because I didn't like those moments with you, because it wouldn't be true, but because it all hurts when you know that this is happenning to you.

Let's start from the moment I was born. What I haven't told you is that from that moment until tomorrow I was, I am and I will be blind. Yes, you maybe didn't notice because I was hiding that from you, but it's true. You may be asking yourself right now how I wrote this letter - well, I was taught to type using computer-keyboard. I remembered all the letters and digits and all the other charachters that appear on a keyboard. I know for all of them exactly where they're placed and what is their use in our language.

When I was pretty little, I started to listen to radio dramas. I really liked those psychological ones. That is where I learned some things about people's behavior. They also helped me understand what people were doing around me. I had a dream that one day I'll finish the school and become a professional psychologist. But now I see that there's no hope for that.

I may seem depressed but believe me I'm not. I still think that the world is turning around in a good direction and that someday everything will be great.

So what happenned to me exactly? Maybe it will be hard to explain but from tomorrow on I won't ever be here for you because of some problem I've known about since I was five or six years old. I thought that it would culminate when I'm about 50 or 60 years old, but no, it's culminatting right now.

That problem is cancer. It's been culminatting for about a year and when it all started we've already known that there's no hope that we'll deal with it. All that was left for us to do was to wait until it takes my life. And it will take it tomorrow. Once forever.

All I want you to do now is to forget me. I won't be able to be there for you anymore. Let me be replaced by someone else in your life and on my swing. It's all you've got to do right now. And all that you can.

I'm going to the hospital this evening in order to give the solution one another try to become visible, though we all already know it won't.

This is my last goodbye I'm saying to you. So let it be said:

GOODBYE !!!

 

Forever yours,

Emily.

Another and last goodbye

 I read her letter when the sun was still shining above us. I realised how stupid I was, not noticing her problems. I should have asked her or whatever, but not talked only about my problems.

Tomorrow I decided that I should go and see her in a hospital. Maybe there's still a bit of hope that she's going to stay, I thought. But I knew there wasn't. I knew that she was going to die any moment and it just broke my heart once and forever.

I came to the hospital and waited in front of her room. The doctor came out of the room and I asked him whether I was able to come in and see Emily. He agreed and added that she was talking to him about me. Like you brought her happiness that she was going to sense 'till the end of her life, he said.

I came into her room and saw her lying on a bed. There was a computer which gave the information about her heartbeat. It seemed OK. Her pulse was just like mine, I felt when I put my fingers on the left part of my chest. She kinda felt that I was the one who entered her room so she said that she knew I'd come.

I told you not to do that! she added.

Well I had to, Emily. I had to.

Why? I told you not to come here to see me, Evan, because I knew you'd worry about me if you came. And I don't want you to ever worry about anything. You're such a good person. You don't deserve this stupid feeling called pain.

Everybody feels pain, Emily. Everybody.

Believe me, you wouldn't feel it if you didn't come.

I would, Emily, I would. I felt pain yesterday, I feel it today and I'll always do. The rest of my life is in your hands, Emily. What happens to you is what I'm going to feel.

But how would you feel if I was dead?

Just like you.

So you'd feel nothing?

No, Emily. I'd feel as I was dead instead of you.

Don't ever feel that way! Promise me you won't.

I have to, Emily. It's not important whether I want or I don't want to, I'm going to feel that way once when you die. But I didn't come here in order to fight with you, but to bring some more happiness to your life.

I don't want to feel happy right now. It's not what I'm obliged to.

Who'd care if you were? You must be happy now. You were never happy, Emily, I know - that's why I want you now to be so.

But I do now only what I'm obliged to and I'm obliged to die.

But you still wait.

And so?

You're not obliged to wait for death to happen, but still you do it. You can end it all here and now but you still wait.

Well, you're right.

Then be happy! Please be happy!

Evan, I was always happy. It's not really necessary for me to be happy at the end of my life because I always was.

How were you happy? When? I don't remember.

I was always happy when I was with you. You're the one who came into my life bringing me happiness.

Don't ever say that!

But it's true! Evan, you're the best person I've ever met.

How could I be the best one when I didn't care about your feelings?

Because it wasn't important to me. What was so is that I spend the last days of my life bringing happiness to someone else. 'Cause that was the real point of my whole life - to solve your problems.

But you have never told me about you're blindness. And that's what's really important to everyone.

If it was important, everybody would notice it and I wouldn't try to hide it from anyone.

But why would you hide that?

Because I wanted no one to worry about me like you do now. Everyone has his or her secrets. It was one of mine.

Yes, I know that, but still...

By the way, there is one more secret that I want to tell you while I'm still alive.

What is that?

Well, that's something even my parents and the rest of my family don't know about.

What is that?

I love you.

But you never saw me.

I didn't have to. Instead of your body, I fell in love with your soul. And that was a true love.

But you still tried to solve my problems with Amy?

Well, you know, I knew my life would end up this way. I didn't want to take any chance on you because of that. Also I wanted you to be happy, because your life will last more than mine did.

She closed her eyes. I saw on the computer that her heart still beats, but not the same way it did last time I took a look at it. She opened her eyes again. I embraced her as tight as I could. I think she could hear me crying on her pillow. She told me that I shouldn't cry because it's the one of those things that must happen.

And then it happenned. No doctor came into the room though. It was like they knew that even if they tried, shewould die anyway. Only the two of us in her room. OK, it wasn't her room anymore. She's now taking a trip to the better world.

Amy

I was upset the very next day, at her funeral. I couldn't even remind myself of my name. The only thing I could think about was Emily. All my thoughts were based on everything that happenned to us at the hospital.

Her mother gave me a letter. She explained that Emily said the words and all she had to do was to write. I left her letter near my bed in order to always have it close to me in while I'm dreaming, because then I cannot control what's happenning to me.

The letter hasn't been moved since I put it there.

 

Then I had to answer your messages. You were so excited that day. You said you'd be going on a holiday in some town you always wanted to visit.

But I wasn't quite sure whether I should talk to you then. I wasn't sure whether I should talk to you anymore.

That's how I came to my stupidest decision to break up with you.

I wrote you somewhere in this letter that I didn't dicide to break up with you because I wanted to be alone a bit. Well, you know, I thought that I would forget Emily if I broke up with you.

 

Looking for a way to get her out of my mind, I found a letter which was still on the same place. And I read it:

 

Wait a moment, my dear friend,

Even a death cannot be the end.

I'll always be there for you,

In everything you decide to do.

And if you ever feel lonely,

Remember I'm here for you only,

To save you from the tears of pain,

To make the sun appear instead of the rain.

Don't ever think about what I haven't done

To make you feel like you are the one

Who helped me feel the endless joy.

My life was played like it's a toy -

Once it must be broken forever

And again people play with it never.

That's when the world starts to care

About the person that no more is there.

But I hope you realize you have to care

About the girl who'll always be there

Though far away,

Where words can't say

And eyes can't see

That there is only you and Amy.

Please never let her be lonely,

Because she is your one and only.

And that was what my blind eyes saw

So believe in all that you were told.

And here's from this heart of mine

Another and last goodbye.

 

That was when I realized how much I lost when I thought I lost only you and her.

 

I don't want to force you read this story of mine. That must be only your choice. All that I can do is to want you to read it.

Once in this story I promised you and here I'll say it again: Every detail of this book is true.

 

I know that I was never so kind to tell you the things you wanted to hear from me, but here they are, at the very end of the story. Maybe it's now to late to write this, but there's still a bit of hope that I'm wrong about it.

 

I LOVE YOU.

 

Forever yours,

Evan.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.02.2019

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