No fair to see you go
                      A life you'll never know
                      Small and loved by me
                      Heaven you shall see
                      But for now I say good bye
                      As I try not to cry

 My little brother, Alex, laid on the hospital bed breathing quietly. My parents stood by the bed looking down at their son that would soon be leaving them. 
 Two years ago Alex had been diagnosed with leukemia. Now he was loosing the fight and falling further and further from me. 
 I sang " What a Wonderful World" to him. It was his favorite song. 
 The monitor began to beep less and my mom let out a squeak. I squeezed his hand and continued to sing. He turned his head at me and I looked into his soft brown eyes. He smiled and the monitor stopped beeping. 
 I ceased my singing and backed away. My mom flung herself over him and my dad walked to the window and held his head. 
 I shook my head. It was so unfair! Why would God take a six year old from the world? He hadn't even lived yet.
 I walked into the hall and sat on one of the couches. Nurses and a doctor walked into the room. I heard my mom crying. 
 I started to cry and I brought my knees to my chest. I felt someone sit next to me and I stopped. It was a young man. Had to have just turned twenty. He looked strong and wore a Yale t-shirt. He was dark for a white boy, but his eyes were light blue. 
 " Why are you crying? If you don't mind me asking." he whispered as if his voice would scare me away. 
 " I'm in a hospital. I think that answers most of it." I whispered. 
 He nodded and looked at the floor. " Yeah, I guess no one is happy when in a hospital. Unless their having a baby." 
 " Why are you here?" I asked. 
 " My mom was in a car accident." he looked back up at me and I saw a tear form in his eye. 
 " Im sorry." I whispered. 
 " It's not your fault. I'm sure you weren't the drunk driver that hit her." he smiled meekly. 
 " You never know." 
 " Why are you here?" he asked. 
 " My brother had leukemia. He just died." I whispered and laid my head on my knees. Tears fell from my eyes again. 
 " I'm sorry." he whispered and patted my back. 
 " Not like you gave it to him. There was nothing you could do." I whispered. 
 " You never know." 
 I looked at him and smiled. 
 " How old are you?" he asked. 
 " Sixteen." 
 " Nineteen. It's Christian by the way." he put out his hand.
 " Valicia." his hand was warm and firm. 
 My mom came out and fell to the floor crying and my dad held her. I looked away and began to cry again. Christian pulled me to him and patted my back. He made soothing sounds as I cried into his chest. 
 I heard squeaky wheels roll by and knew it was Alex being rolled away to the morgue. Christian hugged me harder when it passed by. 
 I stopped crying and wiped my tears. " Sorry." I whispered. 
 " It's fine. I don't expect anything else from you." 
 I looked at the floor. It hurt so much to know that Alex was gone. 
 Christian pulled a magazine from the table and grabbed a pin. He ripped one of the corners and wrote something on it. He handed the paper to me. 
 " If your ever in trouble call that number. It's mine. And will always be mine. It was very nice meeting you." he stood and began to walk away. Then he stopped and turned back to me. He knelt in front of me. " And please, even though it seems the right thing to do, don't cry. Your too pretty to cry." he brushed away a tear with his thumb. 
 " I won't." I whispered staring into his deep blue eyes. 
 He smiled and kissed my forehead. I watched him leave and wished desperately that I could leave with him. 


                    I hide not see
                    Clash of a war, love it can't be
                    Tears of hate and cries of pain
                    I hear the drum of rain
                    Destruction you flee
                    Yet you leave me
                    The war subsides
                    I flow with the swift of the tides
 
 A crash of plate sounded in the living room where my parents fought. It has been two months since Alex had left us, and ever since then my mom has been angered by something. The loss of her son had sent her into a frenzy of outbursts. It was unsafe to go near her. Say one wrong thing and she yells; complain, she yells; ask for anything, she yells. 
 My dad had accidentally stepped on her foot and, well, she started to yell. I left the room an decided to hide in my room, scared of being hit by the flying plates. I heard my dad yell and another smash sounded. 
 Everything stopped and I looked at my closed door. I heard my mom crying and I got up. The front door slammed and my mom cried more. I walked out and stepped on glass in my hurried steps. My mom lay curled up and crying, but my dad was gone. I looked out the front window and saw him driving away. 
 I forgot about my stabbed foot and ran outside. I cried for him to turn around but he continued, not looking back. I fell on the sidewalk as my neighbors came out of their houses to see what was going on. 
 I ran back inside my house and slammed my door. I pushed things around and searched through papers, while holding back tears that wanted to leave me as well. I finally found the crumpled corner of paper with a number scribbled into it. I grabbed the house phone and dialed the number. It rang once and then was answered.
 " Hello?" Christian asked and it felt so nice to hear his voice. After that day in the hospital he had been all I would think of. 
 " It's me Valicia." I said. 
 " Valicia. Are you okay?" he asked with a kind tone to his voice. 
 " My dad just left us. I need you to take me somewhere. If your okay with that." I said. 
 " I'm sorry to hear. Where do you want me to get you? Wait, where would you be going? Would you be safe there? Does your mom know your leaving?" he asked. 
 " My mom will not know. But it's my aunts house and it's much safer than here. Please take me away from here. I'll meet you at the movie theater." 
 " I don't know. Are you sure?" 
 " Yes. Please." I felt a tear roll down my cheek and I wiped it away fiercely. 
 " Okay. I'll be there in half an hour." 
 " Thank you." 
 " Your welcome. Bye."
 " Bye. " I hung the phone up and grabbed my suitcase. I stuffed my clothes in it and shoes. I opened my door and looked around my mom was in her room. I grabbed a pair of boots and went to put them on when I remembered the glass in my foot. It was a big chunk and was embedded into the middle of my foot. Blood was dried around it. I grabbed it and pulled. It came out. Blood rushed out. I grabbed a wrap and bandaged my foot. It was numb. 
 I pulled the boots on and grabbed a sweater. I ran to the movie theater which was right behind my house and saw Christian waiting by a truck. He hugged me and put my stuff in his car. 
 " Where is you aunts house at?" he asked opening the passenger door for me. 
 " It's in Manteca." 
 " What about your school?" he asked. 
 " I'll go to a different one." he closed the door and walked over to the driver side. 
 " Are you still at Yale?" I asked. 
 " Yes. I'm just on winter break at the moment." he said pulling away. 
 " Do you like it there?" 
 " Yes. Now are you okay?"
 " Yes, I'm fine." I whispered looking out the window at the dark winter clouds. 
 He looked at me when we stopped at a red light. " You know this is technically illegal. Me taking you away. Your a minor compared to me." he said. 
 " The government will get over it." I said. I wished I was older. Then I would just ask to stay with him. 
 " I guess they will." he drove on. His right hand laid in the middle section and I held back the urge to grab it with my own. Instead I set my hand next to his and looked out the window. 
 " You look very beautiful today." he said still looking ahead. 
 " You the same." I said. 
 He smiled and his blue eyes glittered. " Thank you. I try my best." 
 I smiled forgetting for the moment about my family. I looked back out the window and gasped. Alex was running on the side walk. He was smiling. 
 Christian looked at me with concern and searched for what I was looking at. " What's wrong?" he asked. 
 " Nothing. I just thought I saw something." I said. 
 He nodded and then grabbed my hand. " I'm sorry that this is all happening to you." he whispered. 
 I lightly held his hand as love and joy filled me. " How is your mom?" I asked. 
 " Shes better. Just a little bruised and her leg is still broke. But she's okay." he said. 
 " That's good to hear." I said. He let go of my hand and I pulled mine away, much rejected. 
 We stopped again. " So where in Manteca is she?" 
 " Bronzon road. I'll show you the way when we get there." I said. 
 He nodded and looked at me again. " What color are your eyes?" 
 " There gray and blue." I said. My eyes had always been my most beauty. With my dark tanned skin they fit well. 
 " I've never seen or heard of eyes like those." he whispered, mystified. 
 " Yeah, most haven't. Especially on a Mexican. It's very rare." I said. He drove on and all small talk was gone for the rest of the way was spent with me telling directions. 
 When we got to my aunts house he helped me with my stuff. I stood in front of the house with him. 
 " Remember if you ever need anything just call me and I'll come and get you." 
 Rain began to fall and I cringed as an icy drop fell on my cheek. He wiped it away and smiled at me. " Good- bye." he said. 
 He hugged me and I quickly kissed his cheek. He smiled, surprised. " Good-bye." I said and walked up to the house. I walked in and looked out the window. He still stood there smiling. He finally left. 
 Never did I know that I wouldn't see him for a very long time after that. 


                    I fight the drug
                    But I feel the tug
                    Lost I am
                    Never found again
                    To fall in the dark
                    To loose to lark
                    I fight and unknown
                    But I breathe it in as my own

 After a month I was kicked out. My aunt didn't want me any more. She said I had an attitude but I knew it was because her boyfriends looked at me more than her. I didn't call Christian when I was kicked out. I was sure he didn't want me bothering him again. Instead I walked the streets, homeless. 
 I often saw Alex. He would never smile though. He would always seem so sad. He would point at a phone as if to tell me to call Christian. I never did though. 
 One day a woman came staggering over to me and told me she would give me a home. I agreed and walked to her house. When she opened the door to the broke and drab house I saw a mess. Trash was thrown anywhere and groups of people huddled together. Children dressed in old tattered clothes hid from the adults. 
 " What is that?" I asked looking at the white powder the sat on a piece of paper. 
 " It's crack!" the woman giggled. 
 I looked at her with fear and terror. I was in a crack house. 
 She grabbed my arm and led me threw a hall. She opened the door to a room. There were two mattresses and one was taken by three people sleeping quietly. 
 I nodded my thanks even though there was none. 
 " What is your name?" I asked her. 
 " Donna. What's yours?" she asked. 
 " Valicia." I answered. 
 " Okay then. Come with me." she dragged me back to the living room and sat me down. A guy passed two needles our way. I held one and looked at it. 
 " Like this." Donna said. She raised the needle to the middle of her arm and stabbed herself. She injected whatever was inside into her. " Now your turn." she said laughing. The guy looked at me expectantly. 
 I raised the needle and did the same. I looked up and at them. Across the room Alex stood and he shook his head in disappointment. 
 
 I woke next to a Bubba, a guy that I was now " seeing". His shirt was off and so was every other piece of clothing. Same with me. I was still sixteen and was now sleeping with a twenty-five year old. In a crack house age meant nothing. I had been here for two months already.
 He smiled at me and caressed my face. His breath smelled of filth. " Good mourning." he said. 
 I smiled back. " Good mourning." I got up and pulled on a shirt and pants, unsure if they were mine or another girls. 
 A child sat playing with a toy in the hall. She was skinny and I could see the bones popping out of her body. She smiled at me though. 
 Even though I was messed up, I always seemed to have the right mind to give my food to the kids. And there was maybe five. Soon to be six since one of the other women were pregnant. 
 Donna came out of a room followed by a thug looking man. He was black and had tattoos everywhere. I could see a gun protruding from his waist. He looked over Bubba and then at me. His eyes lingered on my chest. 
 " This is T.D. He gives us the stuff!" Donna giggled.  
 T.D nodded and smiled at me. I hugged Bubba and stated at T.D. They walked past and we followed. Donna and T.D sat at a table and she pulled out money. He rubbed his hands together and pulled out a sack of crack. They swapped and he got up. 
 Bubba walked over to Donna as T.D advanced toward me. He stopped close to me and moved hair out of my face. 
 " What's yo name?" he asked. 
 " Valicia." I said. 
 He moved closer. " Maybe I should take you from here and show you something good. Would you like that?" 
 " I don't know." I answered, quiet eager to get to the crack. 
 " Well when you decided I'll get you." he smiled and walked away. 
 Bubba looked over at me and ushered me over. I came and smiled at the crack. I put some in a corner and sniffed. 

 Kalli, the woman who was pregnant, screamed as she pushed her baby out. It had been four months since I had seen T.D. He would often come by to vist me. He said he liked me a lot. 
 Another scream and everyone jumped around, unsure of what to do. A cry from a baby came and we all looked over. I ran over to her and did what I thought was to be done. I held the baby and with siccors cut the cord. A towel was given to me and I washed the blood off the baby. 
 It was a girl. I smiled at it as it grabbed my pinky finger. I looked around but everyone had already left. This baby was not important. Kalli was even gone. The other children walked over to me and looked at the baby in awe. 
 Alex stood next to me and he touched the baby's forehead. The baby girl responded with a smile in Alex's direction. 
 I got up and carried the baby to my room and set her on a clear spot of the bed. I pulled out one of my shirts and wrapped it around the baby. Children gathered around and stroked the baby. 
 " What's it name?" asked Renee, my favorite child. 
 " I don't know. What shall we name her?" I asked smiling at the kids. 
 " I think her name sho be Princess." said a two year old girl. 
 " No! It should be Rex!" said a three year old boy with a smile upon his skinny face. 
 " It should be Valicia, like it's new mommy." said Renee. 
 " Yeah."
 " Yes." 
 " Mmhmm." 
 I smiled at the name chosen but my heart sunk when I heard the announcement of me being the new mommy. I nodded though. " If you guys want it to be." I said. 
 The baby smiled and a giggle left her throat. I picked her up and rocked her back and forth in my arms. Her cheeks were rosy and her eyes were brown. She was cute baby. But I knew she would have problems later on since she was a crack baby. I held her close.
 The children began to leave to their tent in the backyard to play. I sat with the baby on the bed and I thought of Christian. I wondered if he had ever come to my aunts house looking for me. Probably not. He is probably off with a girlfriend and not even giving a thought to how I was. 
 The baby began to cry and I tried to think of something to make it stop. It was obviously hungry. What was I suppose to do though? I had no milk in my breasts. There was no formula. I looked around and saw Bubbas wallet sitting on the ground. A twenty popped out of it. I grabbed it and looked inside. There was a hundred dollars. I took fifty and stuffed it in my pocket. I set the baby down and went to the bathroom. I quickly showered and pulled my hair back. I threw on clothes and gathered the kids. We walked down street after street until we reached a Walmart. I went and bought formula and a bottle for the baby and fed the kids. 
 People watched us, unsure of why I had so many kids and why we all looked like trash. I began to bounce, my body was wanting drugs. The kids ate three hamburgers, two fries, and drank one large soda each. I asked if they could warm the formula and they did. The baby drank closing its eyes in happiness. 
 A man stared at me from across the room and I felt like I knew him. I suddenly felt ashamed of how I looked. I saw something walk up from behind him. Alex hugged the mans leg and I realized that it was my dad. I hadn't seen him in more than half a year. He seemed to have aged. He know had stubble along his chin and he looked weaker. I saw a tear fall from his eye as he looked at me. 
 " Valicia, who is that?" asked Renee. 
 " It's my dad." I said in almost a whisper. 
 " Really? Why don't you say hi?" she asked smiling at my dad. 
 " I don't think I should." I said. 
 My dad looked away and began to walk. Another tear fell from his eye. It must hurt to see your daughter surrounded by kids and dressed like a junkie. Alex walked after him and smiled knowing he was next to his dad again. 
 " Come on. I think it's time we left." I said standing. The little Valicia now slept in my arms. The kids cleaned their mess and followed me out the door. It was almost dark and we walked fast to get to our home. 
 When we got back I set the baby in the attic, where I would be sleeping tonight. I walked down to the living room and was greeted with crack and meth being shoved in my face. 
 I grabbed the needle and injected myself. Alex again showed but the smile was gone. 

 I woke with a start. Renee shook me and I could see tears rolling down her face. I looked at my side and saw that the baby was gone. 
 " What is it sweetheart?" I asked. 
 " They took the baby. It's dead. They drowned it!" she sobbed and I pulled her closer. She then straightened and ushered for me to follow. 
 I was led to a bathroom and she pointed to the bathtub. I looked in and cringed away, holding Renee close to me. The baby lay face down in the water. I took her out of there right when T.D came up. 
 He pushed Renee out of the way and pulled me close. Renee left, quiet heart broken. T.D kissed my neck and I smelt alcohol all over him. " When will I be able to take you away from this dump?" he said. 
 " When I feel like it." he pulled back and I felt his hand reach up my shirt. 
 " I think that should be now." he smiled. 
 I backed away and walked up to the attic. T.D came after me and pulled me toward him. Bubba then turned the corner and I saw his eyes flare in anger. 
 I stepped away as Bubba hit T.D. They started to fight and I grabbed Renee. I dragged her outside and I pulled the other kids toward me. I heard gunshots and the kids jumped and gasped. Screaming could be heard from inside. I shook my head. My baby was dead and now so would Bubba. Renee cried and I stroked her hair. 
 Alex sat next to me and he leaned his head on my shoulder. Everything stopped and was silent. Then sirens blared. I stood quickly and gathered the kids around me. A dog came sprinting into the back and began to bark at us. One of the little girls began to cry and a boy tried to shoo it away. A police officer came through the fence and looked at us, shocked. 
 Others came and collected the kids. I was then dragged to the cop car and shoved inside. I hung my head and cried quietly. I prayed that the children would be safe and that Alex would take care of my little Valicia. 


                       I feel such grace
                       But not able to see your face
                       I praise you in song
                       I shall worship you long
                       Forgiven I feel
                       Love so real
                       Give me faith
                       As you gave me a break
                        I sing your name
                       My demons remain tame
     
 I sat in a corner of my cell and I rocked back and forth. My body cried for drugs and I felt sick. The prison gaurds said I was 'searching' as they called it. I was put in a room alone where I would stay off the drug and find myself again. 
 I longed for Christian and to be back at home with everyone. I hated my cell. I was so closed in and tight in it. I felt crushed and trapped. I had no where to go. I rocked back and forth and thought of Renee and the children. I thought of how the baby hadn't even lived more than two days. I thought of how Bubba was dead and T.D imprisoned. I thought of Donna and wondered where she would be now. 
 I thought of how my thinking made me crazier. 
 At the jail I was required to wash, cook, workout, pick up trash, and attend church service. 
 I actually like the church service. Before I never went to church but my family called themselves Christians. The preacher was also very moving. 
 Her name was Amelia. She always wore black slacks and a white blouse. Her blond hair was always curled in perfect ringlets and she wore a gold cross. Her blue rimmed glasses magnified her green eyes and she spoke with a clear voice. 
 She told us how when she was a child, she was homeless. When she was fourteen she had been raped and bore a child. She told us how she wanted to quit so badly but held on. Then when twenty, with a six year old child, a pastor gave her an apartment. He bought her food and clothes. 
 She then went to church with him. Now she wanted to preach the word of God and teach other young women the word of God. 
 I often cried in service because I would see Alex. I felt ashamed to see him. I felt as if I had let him down more than anyone. 
 I would also think of Christian when at church. What would he say if he saw me here? Would he shun me and never see me again? I often wanted to ask if I could call him, since I still had his number. I kept it next to my heart all the time. 
 " Today we are going to talk about reason. What is the reason for sound wrong? Anyone?" Amelia asked. 
 A girl called Lila raised her hand. She was a scary looking woman. Her muscles were bigger than the guards and her hair was always in a big fat braid. " My reason was because my dad messed me up. He beat me so one day I beat him back." her voice was flat as she spoke. 
 Another girl raised her hand. She was very small and looked frightened. " I stabbed my boyfriend because he broke my arm." she was very quiet and it reminded me of Renee. 
 " Those reasons are like retaliations. Do you know what retaliations are?" Amelia asked. 
 I raised my hand, not knowing that I was. " Retaliations are the actions of harming someone because they harmed you. It's like revenge." I said. 
 " Yes. Now retaliations are not much of reasons as they are revenge. I mean like you wanted a candy bar so you bought it. The reason you bought the candy bar was because you wanted it. Do you understand?" 
 We all nodded. I thought to myself for a moment. What was my reason for being here? Was it my aunt kicking me out? Was it my dad leaving? Was it Alex dying? 
 I raised my hand again. " I got on drugs because I fell to the temptation." I said. 
 " That is what I was looking for! It is no one else's fault for what you do. It is your own fault. Your reason to do something is not because of what happened to you before. Your reason is because you had no strength left in you to make the right choice. Now this isn't wrong of you. Many make wrong choices and they have no reason to but they didn't make the right choice." 
 I thought of Alex again. Why wasn't be able to choose his fate? I wondered where I would be if Alex hadn't died. It was a mystery to me. 

 I twisted and turned in my bed. It hurt so much. My body was wanting something that I could never have while here. I ached and thought of a way to escape. Maybe if I got out I'd be able to get the drug. Get my life source. 
 No! I couldn't! There was no way out!
 I rocked back and forth and breathed heavily. I was killing myself. It was like dying from the inside out. It hurt so much. I wanted it to end but it wouldn't. It continued. 
 It hurt.
 It hurt so much.

 I sat at a conference table and waited to see who wanted to talk to me. I wished it was Christian, coming to save me from here. 
 Instead a man in a black suit sat down at my table. He was a short, squat man with almost no neck and all chin. He put a brown brief case on the table and took out a piece of paper. 
 " Ms. Valicia Mariano?"
 " Yes." 
 " I am sorry to tell you but your mother has died of an overdose on pain killers. We have been searching for you since March. It is now October. I'm very sorry." his voice implied no sorriness. 
 I nodded and thought of how long it had been. She must have died right after I left. It had been nine months. My birthday was in a month. How life moved so fast. 
 I stood. " Thank you for telling me." walking to the guard I wiped a tear from my eye. 
 Alex held my hand as I walked back to my cell. 

 I cried in my cell. Something had just come over me. I had knelt down to pray, like Amelia said to do, and I began to cry.
 There was a section on my back that felt warmer than the rest, like a hand was resting there. Joy and sorrow washed over me and I cried until I couldn't breath. 
 I cried for Alex. I cried for my mom and dad. I cried for Christian. I cried for Donna and Bubba. I cried for Renee and the other children. I cried for Amelia. I cried for myself. 
 I was only sixteen and was already this far in life.  
 What was I doing with my life?
 I fell to the floor and cried in joy as I remembered times with Alex. Or times with Christian. I wanted them all back.  
 All back in my reach. 

 I stood with the other girls in lines at the church. We held music books and listened to Amelia. 
 " Okay, now you all will have a turn to sing by yourself. If you don't want to sing, too bad. Everyone is singing. Now flip to page twenty and review the song you will sing." she said and sat down at the piano. 
 I looked at the page. It was an easy song. The name was This Little Light of Mine. It was short and a quick sing. 
 A girl walked to the front and the piano sounded. After twelve girls I realized that not everyone had a good voice. Many cracked and faltered. 
 I was last. I walked up an looked at the music book. I felt nervous. " This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." I lost track of everything but I knew I was singing. When I finished I looked at Amelia and she smiled. 
 " That was beautiful." she whispered. 
 Alex was clapping in the audience. 

                     Fists of fury
                     Anger we bury
                     Blood it splatters 
                     Clothes in tatters
                     Beat of a heart
                     Sour and tart 
                     Stand tall
                     Never fall

 There was one girl who did not like me. Her name was Irene and she despised me. She said I was a prick and frufru suck up. 
 I thought she was a stupid whore and looked like a monkey. Many others believed this too. 
 When we walked past eachother, we would mug eachother and sometimes bump, pushing the other one into a person or wall. 
 We never fought. We only did small things to piss off the other. It was our quiet war. 

 I sat down at the table and picked up the sandwich. I looked at it deciding of I should eat the monster. I finally did. Hunger wasn't worth it. 
 The doors banged open and everyone looked at the girl that walked in. She was really thin but seemed strong. She had three tear drops and on her knuckles was "Sad Girl" She was the new member of our happy family. 
 I turned back to my food and ate. I didn't care where she was going. I saw Irene looking at me from another table. Hate, plain simple hate. 
 I always wondered why there was so much hate between us, but it was as it is. 
 Everything went silent for a moment an I saw Irene's expression change. From hate to fear. I frowned and thought for a moment on why she looked that way but then the answer came. 
 My face was slammed into the table again and again. Hair was jerked from my head and a fist jabbed my stomach. 
 " You fucking slut! Fucking talking to my T.D!" Sad Girl screamed. Everyone got up and formed a circle around the fight. 
 I took my fork and stabbed backward, hitting the stomach of my attacker. She pulled away and I stood. Blood spilled from my nose. 
 I punch her and got on top. I hit her some more until her nose broke and her lip piercing rip out. I felt a tray slam into my head as she lugged it at me. I fell to the side and she was now on top. SJ grabbed my head again and moved it to a sharp point in the floor she raised my head but stopped. 
 She rose into the air as Irene pulled her from the neck. Sad Girl scratch at Irene's arms but nothing happened. Irene began to hit her head with the other hand and then Sad Girl went limp. 
 Guards came and put us all in different places. I stared at Irene puzzled. Why would she save me? I thought we were enemy's? 
 I was dragged away to the medical room but I stated at Irene, still puzzled. 

 I was brought outside and was given a hammer. I was to do that old thing, where you crush rocks for gravel. My feet were chained and I could barely move. The bitter air of October bit at my skin. 
 I looked down the line and saw Irene. She nodded at me but did nothing else. 
 " Why did you save me?" I asked after sometime in quiet. 
 " I wanted to." she said not looking up from her work. 
 " But I thought you didn't like me? I thought I was nothing to you?" 
 " Your not nothing. Your just annoying at times. But I felt bad your oh what twelve? I didn't think you should get your ass beat." she said. 
 " I'm sixteen. Seventeen in a month." I snapped.
 She raised her hands and saved them around. 
 " Thanks though. I appreciate it." 
 " Don't get sappy with me." 
 " I'm going to. And then were going to be best friends and have slimmer parties and make friendship bracelets." I said in a really fast annoying voice. 
 She laughed and I began to laugh too. 
 " Get to work!" a guard yelled. 
 We went quiet but giggled every so often. 

 Sad Girl continued to harass me. Now the looks I had gotten from Irene, we're given to me from Sad Girl. 
 It was strange how she new T.D and even stranger how she found out. Not like me and T.D had ever done anything. 
 Hate still radiated. But would vanish when Irene was with me. Now that hate had gotten passed the both of us, we stuck together. Never letting anything happen to the other. 
 I told her about I had gotten here and she told me how she did. Apparently, she was here on false charges. She was framed but some guy who didn't like her. He had gone to the cops and said that she had crack and pot stashed in her house. He had also put the drugs there. Now she was here serving her last two years. 
 I felt bad when I heard but she said that I didn't matter to her. Being in prison had taught her a lot. 
 She would talk of her little sister alot. She was now a very successful lawyer in New York. She was really proud of her. 
 I spoke of Alex and I told her how I saw him at times. She seemed a little puzzled by it but didn't care much. 
 We were now friends. First in a long time. 
 
                      Bound by valor
                       Feel the power
                      Letters of love
                      Find thy dove
                      Blood and fury
                      Home you hurry
                      Picture keep
                      Love runs deep

 We were all gathered into the big hall and sat down in chairs. A tv was put at the front and turned on. 
 It was a news report. It showed a tall Asian man ordering his armies to go forth and did their jobs. There were images of piled dead and burned houses. 
 " These are the chilling images of the 'new hitler'. His name is Chitdan and believes that Christians are filth and should be demolished. We have found from researchers that he plans on attacking America next. Armies have been formed and many are applying."
 The image then shifted to men and women standing in a line waving at the camera. It paused on another reporter with four men behind him. 
 I jumped up my heart pounding. " No!" I yelled. 
 A smiling blue eyed man waved at the camera. Christian had gotten so more muscled and taller. Irene touched my arm, unsure of what was going on. 
 A tear fell from my eye as I realized that Christian might die. I felt lost once more. 

 I pulled out a piece of paper and pen and wrote: 
   Dear Christian,
         It's me Valicia. I've been through a lot since I last saw you. Ummm, well I know you'll get mad but after you left I was kicked out a month later and moved into a crack house. Now I'm in prison. I'm sorry. You probably have a wife now and I'd like to see what she looks like. Oh yeah I'm now seventeen! My birthday was on October 10th. My friend Irene got me a cookie so I guess presents weren't much. I miss you a lot. I hope that if you ever have time that you would write back. Only if you want though. Well I love you. Be safe. 
Valicia. 

I sealed the letter and gave it to Amelia. She then mailed it and I waited for the response. 

 It finally came, with a small teddy bear. It read:
 Dear Valicia,
       I will never be mad at you. But you should hav called me and I would have gotten you. I sent you a bear for your birthday. I hope it got to you well. I do not have a wife so you know. I didn't even date. My heart was for someone I couldn't have. I will write every chance I get and keep you updated. My prays are with you and I love you too. Stay strong and know that I will always be there for you. Write back. 
Christian. 

After that I sent him a picture of me telling him that it would keep him safe. He sent one back and told me it would give me strength. I lived for his letters. It's what made me happy an not so sad. 
 He sent presents a lot and told me the least gruesome details of the war. 
 It hurt him a lot to be killing but he said every time he got a letter from me he felt better. Alex smiled more and so did I. 
 I had my Christian back. 


                  I hear a voice of beauty
                  A voice I want for me
                  Let it bring the world together
                  Let it make life better
                  Sing for joy
                  Never selfish the toy
                  Yet you bring it down
                  And it runs never to be found
                  In dark it runs
                  The angel sung

 I sat in a office with Amelia. A man also sat with us, holding a briefcase in one hand and a contract in the other. 
 " Valicia, I believe that when you get out of this place you'll do something great with that voice of yours. I could make you a star! Whata say?" he smiled with enthusiasm. 
 I looked at Amelia for help and she nodded her head. " You'll be out in a month. I think it will be a really good thing for you to do." she said sweetly. 
 " I have to think about it." I mumbled. I got up and walked away. Maybe this was it. Maybe something good would happen now. 
 Alex stood outside and he smiled, clapping his hands rapidly. 

 " A singing job? Well, are you gonna take it? I think it would be a good thing to do." Irene said lounging in a chair. 
 " I don't know. It just doesn't seem like me. I mean I get out of jail and now I'm a singer. It just seems to fast."
 " Why don't you write to Christian. See what he thinks about this." she suggested. 
 " Yeah I should." I grabbed a piece of paper and began to write. 
 " Tell him that I said hi." she said. Now every time I wrote Irene talked to him too through the letters. He was fine with it. On Christmas he even sent her a present. 
 I sealed the letter and gave it to the guard so he could mail it. I sat down next to Irene and sighed. 
 " You love that guy don't you?" she asked.
 I nodded smiling at the floor. "Maybe it was just because he was there in my time of need, but I never thought I would ever like someone like I do him."
 A smile spread across her face. "Awe my girl got a lover!" she said. 
 " No! I don't think he loves me back." I mumbled. 
 " Yeah he does! Look at you. And have you read the sweet things he's said to you. I have and it sounds like love to me." she said, pulling me into a hug. 
 I was silent. Maybe he did. But what would it matter. He's in the army and I'm in prison. 
 
 A letter came from Christian. It was enthusiastic and encouraging me to accept. He also said he would be coming back to America for a month to visit. 
 He sent another teddy bear and his love. 
 I felt my heart lift high in the air as I held the teddy bear. I had atleast twenty now. 
 I sat down next to Irene and she nudged me. 
 " I'm proud of you. Your going to be a superstar and I get to call you my friend." she said. 
 " I wish Christian were here." I mumbled. 
 " I know you do kid." she whispered. 

 I sat on my bed and looked around. I was finally leaving. I grabbed my bag and stood. The record producer waited outside. 
 Irene came up and gave me a hug. I saw a tear form in her eye but I didn't say anything about it. In our silence our friendship was told.
 Amelia came out to see me. " I'll miss you." she whispered and hugged me tightly. I looked at them both and smiled. I then stepped into the car and closed the door. 
 I sat looking out the window at the place I had called home as I drove to my new future. 

 " Now sing that all again and this time no mess ups or pauses." I had been in the studio for five hours now. 
 I began to sing, again. " Ohh tell me tell me. Why did you leave break weave. Hoooold onto lost memories.." I was done and I looked at the producer and studio worker. They nodded and I took the headphones off. 
 The studio worker left and the producer came in. 
 His name was Matthew and was the best producer out there. He sat next to me. 
 " You're doing really well. I think that you'll go all the way." he said. 
 I smiled to myself. " Really?" 
 " Oh yeah sure. You got it. Composer. The voice. The looks." each pause he moved closer. 
 I scooted away. 
 " Oh come on. This would get you even farther into life. And it would get me pretty far too." he smiled down at me. 
 I pushed him away but he grabbed me. " Stop!" I yelled hoping someone would hear. 
 " Shut up! Now come on be a good girl." he said holding me tighter. 
 I kicked up and he fell to the floor holding his stomach. I grabbed my wallet and ran. I vanished into the deep parts of L.A. And stopped. 
 I was back in the ghetto. 
 I was back where I started. 

 I huddled up next to a pay phone. I had called Christian ten times already. Each time he didn't answer. Alex sat with me, looking at me with concern. 
 I hummed softly, trying to sooth myself. What a Wonderful World played again and again. I held onto the song as if it were a life source. It was my life source. 
 I felt rejected and lost. I wanted to go back to the prison and stay there. At least there I knew I was safe. 
 Here I was lost. 
 I stood and grabbed the phone again. I dialed and let it ring. 
 Finally someone picked up. A giggling girl answered. " Hello." she laughed. 
 " Hi. Is Christian there?" I asked feeling lost even more by hearing a girl answer his phone. 
 " No. He's busy. Bye." there was more laughing and I didn't care much to know what "busy" meant. 
 I slammed the phone down and left. 
 It was over. I was meant for the streets. It was the only home I had. 

 I unfolded my coat and laid on top. The cold wind stung at my cheeks. The night engulfed me slowly as the last rays of light left the world. I longed for Christian and for love. It had been so long since I had felt that warm feeling of love from anyone. 
 My head hurt and I felt sick. I hated it all. My life was going nowhere and I'd be on the street for the rest of my life. 
 I also bubbled with hate. Christian was messing around with some girl right now while I died slowly in a dark alleyway. Things were just never balanced. 

             
         
             
       
 
               
                     
     
             
                 
                
                

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 03.11.2012

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