Introduction

You may have never met me before. You may not know me or what I have gone through, but through it all I have written poetry and songs. This book only includes the poems, maybe someday I'll make a sequel with the lyrics I've written.

These poems aren't for the faint of heart nor for those who still have a heart left to break. These poems are from the deepest part of my soul, every tear and every word.

The First part of this book is for those of you who have made the mistake of loving the wrong person(s). The one(s) who took your heart and broke, leaving the pieces behind for you to stitch back together.

The Second part of this book is for those whose hearts have been broken, but still found hope in the midst of it.

The Third part is for those who have had a hard life, who feel like there are times life isn't worth it.


Please remember this book is still in progress!

Enjoy.

Book 1: Hurting

Book 1:

Hurting

My Hearts Other Half (March-4-2013)

I feel like there is a knife
Deep inside my heart
Twisting itself around
As if to remind me that this is what happens
That this is what I get for falling in love.
I want to cough up my heart
Spit it onto the ground
Disconnect it from myself
So I can no longer feel the pain from within
It feels as though it may come out on its own
The way it frantically beats for its other half
As if to say that it can't keep going on its own
The way it stops for a moment, as if to listen for a heartbeat such as its own
A beat so similar, yet unique
Signaling its other half is coming home
But no such beat can be found
For my hearts other half is one thousand, two-hundred and nine miles away
Suddenly I feel so cold
All the warmth in my body is leaving
My heart frantically tries to stay alive
To keep beating in hopes of its other half returning
Another breath and the lights go out
My heart is tired and broken
It can no longer hold out
My heart and I spent our whole lives
Trying to find the one person that
Could complete the half of us we were given
We had found that person
But law and time had kept us
Apart...

Wonder (March-4-2013)

Do you ever wonder whether the person who you can't help but think about is thinking about you?
Do you ever wonder whether or not he/she is dreaming of you while you are dreaming of them?
Do you ever feel like you can't see yourself with anyone but them, and them alone?
The feeling of them not being beside you, presses against your heart and twists it until the pain is all you feel?
How not hearing their voice for a single day can do crazy things to your head.
In stead of thinking they could just be busy, you wonder whether you are important.
Loved.
And above all...
Wanted.
But deep in your heart and subconscious you know that they do. That they love you, but you still can't help but
replay their voice in your head, doing the one thing they would never do...
Let you go.
Because your mind tells you you could never be good enough, though your heart wants to believe that you could.
When people around you place doubts in your heart and mind that the one you love could find someone else, not knowing to everyone around you that you are infatuated with them.
You know you cannot show that that person is the most important thing in your life, the consequences to fierce -
Having the one you love taken from you.
Yet, when he finally calls, and reminds you he loves you and is sorry he was so busy he couldn't call, all that pain and doubt washes away.
He fills your heart with joy again and a smile finds its way across your face.
Washing away the thoughts in your mind that crept while you were asleep.
Of his voice telling you he was, "sorry."
It's then you remember that he was the one who first fell for you, who first said, " I love you."
Who hasn't stopped loving you, but still has life to handle too.
But you, for that instant feel secure in your love, knowing he isn't leaving.
Handing him your heart that is wrapped with a red ribbon and tied in a bow
Whispering, " keep it safe, it only beats for you now."

Free (August-17-2012)

A single kiss that lead to such tears
A painful love that I still hold dear
Every night he's on my mind
Cautiously waiting for me to revive
But how can I
Bring myself off of this floor?
If my heart stops beating
Will it ensure
That my hopeless love will still be free
And eventually
Bring him back to me?

Lie called Love (October-6-2012)

Her notebook is lit
By her computer screen alone
She's fighting the thoughts
Of holding the knife to her throat
There are silent tears falling
But no one knows
She's fighting to keep breathing
Feeling lost and alone

Her heart is still aching
From the lies he said
She has realized there is no such thing
As love
In the end

She's trying to put a wall around her heart
To protect her from ever falling apart..
Again

A few days after
It already hurts to see his face
Her heart cracks when
He passes by her without notice
And she wonders
If he'll ever look at her the same way again

She's never felt so strongly
About anyone before
So to teach herself not to let that happen again
She cuts "Love" into her arm

She's stuck with all these
Conflicting emotions
She's not sure if she
Can take anymore
Or so she thinks
While holding the knife to her heart

The tip pricks her skin
But she doesn't cry
In a sick way
She's come to terms with it all
Now she is ready to die
To finally physically break
The heart that has been broken so many times
To hold it in the palm of her hand
And squeeze until it dies
Because she's tired of this lie called "Love"

Painful end (March-16-2012)

How is it I fall for that stupid lie?
That lie "You and I were meant to be"?
When in between the lines all it means is "Goodbye"?
How come in the end...
I'm the one dying and he's off with his new girlfriend?
"Dreams are for dreamers And Love is only a painful fantasy
Is there for a while then it leaves you broken and alone."

 

Love is a lie in disguise

Just a fantasy of mine

Painful is how it always ends

Still waiting (March-11-2012)

I can't close my eyes
Without seeing your face
Tears pour down my cheeks as your image fades away

I long for you to kiss me
I long for you to be here
But they have seperated us
I'm still here waiting

Each day brings me closer to you
Yet further apart we become
In my mind I can see you smiling at me
Then leaning down to kiss my lips
I imagine you holding me
Yet when I open my eyes
Its always good bye
Again...

Yes I'm still here waiting for you to come back to me
We're so many miles apart
You in your world
And I in mine
Craving to link our worlds back together
To build a bridge so I can find you

But my heart constricts whenever I saw your face
It did a little dance
Then shattered again when you left
You held my face in your hands
As you tenderly kissed my lips
You held me in your arms once again

Two years nearly to the day
Since I'd last seen your face
Now here you are
Stepping off that bus
Looking as handsome as I remember

Part Two: Hope

Part Two:

Hope

A poem for you (November 2nd 2012)

  

 Dedicated to Mark Katt

 

 

 

He is my Past

You are my now

He didn't last

But I pray you willM

y heart beats so fast

Whenever I hear your voice

I smile at the thought of you

Because you bring such joy

My beloved angel

I'll hold you forever in my heart

And in my arms you'll be

For a thousand people

Cannot take you from me

You're perfect in my eyes

There are not nearly enough stars in the sky

To count all the ways I love you

Yet I still try

Because my love

You are an angel in my mind

My Angel

I hope you never tire
Of hearing "I love you" fall from my lips
Every second of every day I want you to know it
To know that when I look at the midnight sky
I think of you
Because every twinkling star
Reminds me of you
I swear you fell from heaven
That is why the stars shine
To remind you of where you're from
A kiss from heaven with wings
An angel I could never forget
Made perfect to be my other half
A smile so bright that it blinds the sun
And a heart so pure
Gold cannot compare
A kiss from you is like
The touch of a butterflies wings
A single touch would drive me insane
With love for you
To prove my love for you is all I want to do
To be held by you
In your arms
Would be a dream come true
All I have left to say is...
I love you

Part Three: Whats left of me

Part Three:

Whats left of Me

Behind the poem: Numb ( March 18th 2013) What I was going through at the time I wrote it

 What I was going through at the time I wrote this poem:

 

An ex friend of mine who hurt me, is trying to come see me and wants me in his life after what he did to me. And because of how vulnerable I was at the time he hurt me, it created an emotional attachment that I am trying to break, but even the smallest ammount of progress is amazing until he decides to contact me at that moment; as if he is, consiously or subconsiously, waiting for me to get better and start to heal before ripping open the wounds he inflicted.

 I guess I could describe myself as feeling extremely numb. Part of me wants to cry; part of me wants to curl into the fetal position and sleep. Last night I was so close to cutting, the urge to make myself bleed was overwhelming. I had no computer no access to really anyone. I was lucky a neighbor of mine was home, whom I talked to, who helped to distract me, but all it honestly did was help me push the pain and urge back under until it decides to rise to the surface once more.

 Nothing I seem to do ever helps. Talking about whats going on doesnt rid me of what I'm feeling, it just distracts me long enough to hide my emotions and pain and place a smile on my face. But the pain from all I've gone through NEVER dispates. Never leaves. Instead, it continuously haunts me. Some of the past pain takes longer to surface, sometimes in fazes, at times all at once. I try to fight it, but I feel powerless, without any control. I want control of my life again, heck, I WANT to HAVE a life again. The way my treats me and the things she expects of me to do in her place leave me no chance to have time for me, for friends, for much of anything really. IF I could cut right now, I might even smile, because I feel so dead and shut down, that to experience any kind of pain (especially physical), is a welcoming thought. I want something to let me know I am still alive, because I'm at the point that I just don't know whether I'm coming or going.

 

 

How I felt at the time I wrote the poem:

I'm so depressed I feel like throwing up and then curling in a ball and hopefully dying. Feeling so hollow and empty, feeling so numb and disconected from my body, reality, my mind, everything. I feel like I'm dreaming, and hoping I'll wake up soon. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep, never wanting to awaken to face the world.

 

 

 

 

Numb (March-18-2013)

 

Hollow words fall from my colorless lips

The tears want to spill down, but I try not to let them.

Empty and numb for my heart has been stolen

Along with a part of me

I never fathomed losing.

I’m scared to fall asleep,

For I see his face behind my eyelids.

I try to block it out, but my heart still wants him.

Wants the man who hurt me beyond repair

Took a piece of me that he had no right to have

 

Now I lie here

Feeling like I have swallowed a knife that is piercing my heart

Yet, the numbness I’m feeling hides what isn’t healing

So now even the pain cannot be felt.

I struggle to remain breathing

But it’s hard to catch my breath

My chest feels constricted

About to explode from the pressure of this madness

Of the hurt it tries to feel

It wants to feel something

I want to feel something, anything

Because at the moment I can’t tell whether or not I am dead.

 

The sky begins to cry above me,

Crying the tears I so long to shed

The tears that are lurking just beneath the surface

Waiting to fall when I’m weak;

The signal of my demise

The signal of my end.

 

His sudden want for me is sucking the life from my lips

My whole body shakes with want

For the person who stole my soul

On a cold August morn’

That left nothing but regret in its wake.

 

Silently I try to cry,

But I’ve waited so long the tears no longer want to fall

I’ve held onto pieces of my composure so long that I don’t know what would happen

If the months of hurt I’ve kept in

Finally came pouring down.

 

My pulse is slowing down

And my body is turning off.

My mind is beginning to slumber

Hoping to escape the pain that waits down under.

 

Down under the surface it lurks;

Bubbles to the top,

Then spills over.

As hard as it tries, no pain can be felt;

I hurt with all I had in me already

All that is left is numbness.

Drowning (March-27-2012)

I'm drowning in this sorrow
Can't keep my head held high
Lying in this darkness
Would you blaim me if I want to die?

I can feel the wounds are healing
Slowly closing up
A scar is forming
One I'll never get rid of
Should I scream for help?
So I can be found?
Should I wallow in my self-pity
And let myself drown

I don't know...
I don't know where this current will take me
Maybe off of a waterfall
Beneath a sea of darkness I will fall
Can I let this pain consume me
Since it's hard to feel at all?
But is this pain worth all the hurt
And worth all the blood I have lost?

Can someone save me
From destroying myself
I'm at a loss
I'm lost
For I've found no one at all nor any words
There's an emptiness that consumes
It's left its mark on me I know
Thousands of tiny scars
All over my
Body
My heart
And my soul
Now what is left for me to give now?

Is it even possible
To take this broken and bleeding heart
To undo all that has been done
To clense myself of the old me
And become a new being

But why
Can I only stare into the sky
Bleed until I
Have bled completely dry
What is there left to learn
That hasn't already been burned into my heart?
Tell me what is love really?
Am I loved?

Stolen Soul (March 25th 2013)

 

I can feel my heart growing faint

I can feel my lungs burst

I want to close my eyes

So I can just pretend

Even for a minute,

That this is all over.

That my heart has already given up

That my breath has already left my chest

That my soul has already floated away

And my body,

 Starting to decay.

 

I want to be able to stay this way,

Lost in an empty world.

No thoughts of love or memories

To destroy the peace I’ve found.

Don’t bother trying to wake me,

For I’m happy as I am.

My wish for you is that you continue on your life

Leave mine behind you

And out of your head.

 

You’re so overrated;

Just like your stupid little games

Just like your evil little smile

Just like your pathetic little lies.

But do not worry,

For soon I’ll no longer be in pain

I can already feel my life ebbing away;

Slipping through my fingers like water.

Like rain being soaked up by the ground,

My life is no longer being sucked up by you like a sponge.

Death has his hand in these matters

Now take your life and go

Before Death steals your life

Just like you stole my soul.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.03.2013

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Widmung:
This is dedicated to all the girls who have fallen for guys who weren't worth it. This is also for those who have had a hard life. There is still hope.