BANG! CRASH! The sprinkling sound of glass breaking; every night is the same. He comes home drunk and addle brained just to shout at me. He says he doesn’t think I’m pretty, that I’m fat, that I’m a person that sleeps with any guy I can find. . . It goes on and on all night until he passes out or I knock him out with a clenched fist to the jaw. I haven’t told him yet about me being pregnant, I don’t want to because he’ll just scream and yell at me even more. But it’s not his. It’s my ex-boyfriends. I can’t believe that he hasn’t noticed that I’ve got a belly, that I’ve put on weight and hasn’t ask if I am pregnant. He’s a bloody doctor or he was a doctor before he got fired for “inappropriately” touching a teenager that was coming up the steps and tripped on the top step. He caught her before she could fall face first into the cement but when her Mum came up behind her she thought the worst of him and accused him of inappropriately touching her daughter. Which wasn’t true he was only making sure she didn’t hurt herself, he was there and he was close enough to catch her. She was on his side but they didn’t listen to her for some reason. That is why he is drunk all the time.

I’m 5 months pregnant. Yeah, I’m a coward but you haven’t seen Tyler drunk or very cranky. Anyway I didn’t know until 1 month after I left my ex-boyfriend, around 1 month, so I couldn’t have an abortion.

My bags are packed and I’m going to stay with my Dad in Foster, New South Wales, Australia. He said that he didn’t want me anywhere near Tyler in my pregnancy any more than I have; I agree with my Dad it’s time to end this relationship. All it’s doing is stressing me out and making me angry as well as depressed.

SATURDAY. . .

“Tyler, are you home?!” I call as I’m walking in the door hoping to hell he isn’t and getting ready to me disappointed.

“Yeah, I’m in the lounge room.” Damn it! I should have just left without saying it’s over and that I’m going. “Did you want to talk to me about something?”

“It depends on what mood you’re in.” Meaning if you drunk I’m just going without another word to you. “Have you been drinking?”

“Nah, not yet.” Oh good.

“Tyler I wanted to say that I don’t think we should be together anymore and that I’m going to stay with my Dad for a while.” My face is a blank mask as I watch for his reaction.

Silence . . . . Then . . . . Laughter.

He’s laughing.

It’s much better than yelling and it reminds me of before when he was so happy, nothing could bring him down back then.

“I’ve never been the one that’s getting broken up with before; I’ve been the breaker. You always were the one that made all the big choices and the one that acted more like a guy than any girl that I’ve met. . . . I’ve been trying to pick up the courage to say that you should find someone who can look at you and say ‘I love you’ without thinking about the implications of what that means.” He looked into my eyes as he said this and I looked into his. What I saw there was so strong, it seemed to go into an infinite pool of grief and love and regret. “I loved you when we first met and I still love you for what you’ve put up with from me but I want you to have a future without me holding you back. I want you to raise that little person in your belly away from this place, raise him or her where there is sunshine, open paddocks, scrub, rivers, where you grew up would probably be the best place to raise a kid. Teach him/her about things they should watch out for, what you were taught by your father, what I’ve taught you in the time we’ve been together and most of all make sure they know what people are capable of. I think I need a beer now.” As he went to stand up I grabbed his wrist and looked up at him.

“How? How did you know, that I’m pregnant?” The shock and surprise of him knowing about the baby hadn’t quite settled down yet making my voice rise.

“I was a doctor before I became an alcoholic and a violent man. I used to be happy and I used to have the best time every day, even when someone died I found the good of the day more fulfilling than the bad. Now I can’t find any good in my day because I lost my dream job just because of a stupid money seeking women who would use her own daughter to get that money. . . .” He trailed off as I let go of his wrist and looked down at my feet thinking of what I could of have done when I found out that the women had accused Tyler of something he didn’t do. My testament as a witness seemed to count as nothing because I was in a relationship with him and I would defend him because ‘he is a scary man and could be beating her up in private’ as the woman’s lawyer put it. The woman was proved to be incorrect in her accusation but Tyler was also charged with inappropriate behaviour outside the pub that same day because of the accusation from women causing him to be on leave indefinitely until further notice. The woman was also in the next day for money fraud and child abuse.

“I thought you would be angry if I told you I was pregnant and that it wasn’t yours. That it was my ex-boyfriends and that I don’t want to get rid of it. I was wrong to think that –”

“No you weren’t wrong to think that. The way I’ve been acting lately is really not a good way to act around an expecting mother. I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately Emma and I do agree with you, it is time for us to go our separate ways.” I realise that we are both crying silent tears out of love, grief, anger and sadness. It takes me a while before I can say anything. My throat is closed and my voice doesn’t want to work.
“I’m going to miss you Tyler, I always will.” My voice is thick; it makes my voice sound so tired and sad. “I’ll miss you too Emma, I always will.” Tyler’s voice very much the same as mine. Before I lose my courage and my will to leave I kiss him for a minute than turn around and head out the door. Closing it with a final soft thud.

* * * * *

I cry silently on the flight and then in the car all the way to my home town. No one ask what was wrong for they knew like anyone that looked at me would that I had lost the only thing that I loved more, my one true love. The sunshine of the country couldn’t make me happy, the fresh air or my old hunting dog Jack couldn’t cheer me up, and nothing ever would make me my old self again unless Tyler chose to come back to me and my unborn baby who I know he would love.
My place, my home is in Tyler’s arms and his love.

The End

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.12.2011

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