Inhalt

Speak Unto Me: The Play

[SCENE ONE: A young man slides out of a window, onto the ledge of a tall building. ABRAHAM is scared, young and desperate.]

ABRAHAM
(To Heaven)
Forgive me, Lord, for I am a sinner. I know its Christmas Day, your birthday, Lord . . . but, I . . .

JESUS
Actually, based on the calendar changes; my birthday would be more like August

.

[From the wings, a man, JESUS, 32; dressed in jeans, longish hair, baseball cap and a hoodie wanders onto the ledge, looking a bit confused. He calmly moves in beside Abraham]

ABRAHAM
How’d you get out here . . . uh, mister?

JESUS
You called me.
(beat)
Jesus? . . . I mean, you said …Lord. A bit formal, don’t you think? You can call me Jesus or how about JC?

ABRAHAM
I have a knife, mister . . . right here, in my pocket

.

[He cautiously reaches into his pocket, and leaves it there as he nearly falls over the edge. Jesus calmly stands there and smiles sweetly.

Abraham clings to the wall behind him; wide-eyed, glares at Jesus.]

JESUS
I thought you were saying happy birthday. You’d think this would be the perfect day to return

?

[Abraham stares at him in shock or fear. Uncomfortable silence.]

JESUS
So, Abraham, how’s it hangin’ this Christmas morning?

ABRAHAM
What the fuck? How’d you know my name….where’s my wallet? Oh my GOD, you’re the one who took my wallet in Macy’s yesterday!

JESUS
God? Not really . . . Source is more accurate. God is actually energy.
(to himself)
Wish they’d get that right for once.

ABRAHAM
Who put you up to this?

JESUS
You.

ABRAHAM
Are you on Facebook? If you are . . . I am so unfriending you!

JESUS
I quit Facebook last year. I was getting addicted to Farmville, and Mary M. was mad when I didn’t put her name in my relationship status.

ABRAHAM
Oh. Son of bitch…if I get out of here alive; I’m totally kicking your ass!

JESUS
(matter-of-factly)
No, my mother is a virgin. Not a bitch.

ABRAHAM
Where are the fucking cops when you need ‘em?

[Abraham prays . . . furiously.]

Lord, if you get me out of here … I won’t ever do this again!

JESUS
Yeah, if you succeed, you can’t do it again anyway…right

?!

[A cell phone rings to the tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus”. Jesus answers.]

Bless you....Oh, hey Mom!...all right…gentle and loving…sorry, Mom. (he hangs up.) Be not afraid, my child. I come in peace.

ABRAHAM
Listen, wacko, I am a black belt!

JESUS
Yeah, when you were twelve! So, what you’re telling me, Abraham, is that you and several million other people have been asking me to come back here . . . for years. Now that I’ve returned, you want to kick my ass

?

[He looks up to the sky.]

See, I told you this would be a problem!
(getting angry)
Humans! You tear open the ozone, you continue to waste, kill and war; and when these things fail or hurt you – you want me, just me, to come back and fix it all

!

[Getting angry and frustrated.]

Don’t you all get it? I am just a man! A man -- like any other man!
Abe, you create your own reality! You are God . . . just as much as I am!

ABRAHAM
You’re stalking me! Dude, I’m straight . . .

JESUS
Soon you’ll be flat, though

!

[Abraham just stares at Jesus. Jesus laughs too much and then it turns to tears.]

ABRAHAM
What the fuck? Why are you crying, dude!?

JESUS
If you jump, that will be another one who doesn’t believe I’m back. It’s just so hard being back here and, you know, it ended so roughly last time. I wanted to wait until 2021, when you finally get space cars and live-action Playstation 103 In The Sky. It’s gonna be a blast!

ABRAHAM
Really? (starts adding) I can get Playstation 103 In The Sky in only eleven years? Wow! Very cool. Who invents it

?!

[Jesus holds out his hand, for Abraham to take it and smiles. Abraham thinks a moment, smile back and reaches for his hand. A huge flicker of lights sparks or something when they touch; Abraham’s eyes grow wide.]

JESUS
Merry Christmas . . . Dude!

ABRAHAM
(with a wink)
Happy Birthday, JC

!

[Music “Put Your Hand In The Hand” and then BLACK OUT.]

[SCENE TWO: A quiet reverend place.]

Light comes up and a young woman, JEAN, walks in. She is very serious, all in black. She looks up at the large cross, kneels (facing the audience), and bows her head in prayer.

From the wings, Jesus approaches the praying woman, from behind.]

JESUS
My child . . .

[Jean’s eyes open wide, she is not happy to be disturbed. She does not look behind her.]

JEAN
(sternly)
SHHHH! You are in the house of our Lord

.

[She gazes up lovingly, awe-struck, and goes back to silent prayers. Jesus looks around, taking in the architecture and making mental notes of its grandeur.]

JESUS
No, this is definitely not my home.

JEAN
(irritated)
I said the HOUSE of OUR LORD; not you

.

[This time she looks back at him and he walks downstage to her right.]

JESUS
That would be me . . . yes

.

[Jean goes back to her prayers with a roll of her eyes. Jesus opens his arms in grandeur, as in the holy gesture of encompassing the world, looking up. Jean sees him in his odd gesture and goes to him.]

JEAN
(getting up)
Look, mister, the homeless shelter is next door. You’ve come in the wrong doorway

.

[Jesus pulls a small notebook from his pocket, turns a couple of pages and looks at his notes.]

JESUS
You’re Jean, right? You were baptized at St. Michael’s in Phoenix, Arizona on your first birthday

?

[Jean eyes him suspiciously.]

Your parents are Jonathan and Linda. When you were 8-years-old your mother “got tired of being on her knees”; left the Catholic Church and became a Congregationalist.

Late last year, you went to a church retreat and now consider yourself “saved” by me . . .er, I mean, Jesus. Have I got it right, then

?

[For a moment she is terrified.]

JEAN
Come on, who put you up to this?
(beat)
I know, you’re from Manhattan Theatre Source, right?!
My friend just did a playground production of Godspell over there!

JESUS
I preferred Jesus Christ Superstar as far as accuracy . . . and musical theatre. And I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself . . . well, superstar

.

[Jean keeps a wide berth from Jesus. She goes back to her knees and prays . . . harder.]

JEAN
Lord, please protect me from this lunatic!

JESUS
Who’s the lunatic? You called me, lady!

JEAN
(she sings)
Ave Maria . . .

JESUS
(looking up)
Sorry, I didn’t think of that

!

[Jesus gives a thumbs up to . . . heaven and winks. Jean prays furiously. He walks to her and places a hand on her shoulder. The lights flicker! Jean doesn’t move. Jesus checks his hands to make sure his “power” is working. He places a hand on her shoulder again. Once again, the lights flicker.]

JESUS
(winging it)
I am the light of the world . . .

JEAN
(cautiously)
Is there someone I can phone for you

?

[Jane begins backing away from him, seeking an escape.]

JESUS
Nah, have my cell right here!

JEAN
(accusing)
See! That proves it! You are NOT Jesus...
(beat)
Okay, listen . . . let’s say I believe you. If you are the second coming.
(Jesus is hopeful)
It’s a very big if—don’t get too excited.
Why do you look so typical? Where are the robes, sandals?

JESUS
(a bit miffed)
Look lady, its 2011! How would it look if I showed up in robes! Everyone would think I was a priest or something. Don’t need that!

JEAN
Why did you seek me out?

JESUS
You seemed most in need.

JEAN
Yes, I’m a good Christian woman
(proud)
I pray to yo . . . our Lord, every day, you know.
And accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our only savior.

JESUS
I’m Jewish . . .
(beat)
I was the first person to speak about creating your own reality…openly.

JEAN
I have a question. Is drinking hard liquor is a sin, as my mother keeps saying?

JESUS
Jesus! Oh wait, I shouldn’t take my own name . . .Of course, Mom . . . er, well, Mary did when she got angry.
Do you think Matthew, Mark and Luke got it down perfectly

?

[Jean looks down. Jean walks over and sits beside him.]

JESUS
I was going to return later.
When everyone learns how the guys changed the stories . . .

JEAN
Stories? What stories?

JESUS
. . . in the Bible. You know, like the story about Judas?

JEAN
Yes! He betrayed you.

JESUS
Sort of. We -- me and the guys, and my girlfriend, Mary M

.

[Jean is shocked.]

Yes, we were dating!
(beat)
We all were having a very good time, right? Judas, he could drink anyone under the table. This night was different.

JEAN
How so?

JESUS
Judas had one too many . . . and when we all wanted to call it a night, he was not ready to quit. So, he stole Simon Peter’s boat to find someone else to party with.
(beat)
After that, it’s a blur. There was talk about walking on water, turning water into wine and twenty pieces of silver: Judas was one of the first Republicans.

JEAN
No one would believe it!
(beat)
How do I know you are truly HIM?

JESUS
That seems to be the issue. Then again, everyone forgets about what Source . . .er, God, said.

JEAN
The righteous remember.
(beat)
You saved us all who accept you: from Satan and sin!

JESUS
(sarcastically)
Except for the Jews . . . Buddhists. . . Atheists. . .Taoists…Muslims? I can go on . . .

JEAN
Yet, in the end. . . if they accept you? They will be saved, too.

JESUS
You people are interesting! Source . . .
(beat)
God said UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: That means there are NO CONDITIONS! None

.

[Jean backs away, now and runs to the exit!]

JEAN
I’m calling 911

!

[Jesus stands up and rolls his eyes. A cell phone rings, to the tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus”; Jesus pulls out a cell phone and puts it to his ear.]

JESUS
Hello Blessed Mother . . . Dearest . . .I do call! . . . Where’s the Angel of Death? . . . Vacation?! . . . Where? . . .Heavenly? . .Love you, too

…

[Stage left is CHRISTINE, 30s, on her cell phone. She’s sexy, with an NYPD t-shirt & sweats.]

CHRISTINE
. . . I’m a cop, not an actress; this isn‘t freaking Broadway! . . .125th STREET and Broadway…Yeah

.

[Christine continues to argue on the cell phone (silent to the audience).]

JESUS
(holding the phone away from his ear)
I think it‘s time, she‘s about to . . .Of course, I have to! You know I’m the Messiah, right

?!

Christine strips off clothes to reveal sexy clothing [fishnets, short shorts, low-cut shirt], she puts her shoes on while still on the phone. Dressed, as a hooker, she walks like a guy!

CHRISTINE
Fine, how’s this?!
(she poses awkwardly)
Is surveillance getting a good look

?!

[Offstage: WHOOPING AND WHISTISLING (construction workers).]

CHRISTINE
Jesus Christ

!

[Jesus turns and looks at Christine. He ends the call. It rings [tune of “Angels We Have Heard On High”]

JESUS
God! It never ends . . .!
(answers)
Hello Mom!, er, Blessed Mother . . . I’m sorry, yes, I remember . . .everlasting life…it’s just a figure of speech . . . Bless you, Mother

.

[He hangs up and looks at Christine. Christine has hung up and is trying to get into (hooker) character. She is obviously uncomfortable in the heels and clothing. Christine talks out loud as she is wired.]

CHRISTINE
Yes, clear . . .I can hear you.
(side glances Jesus).

[Christine walks awkwardly and tries to wiggle her hips sexily. Jesus observes and holds back a laugh. Christine falls down.]

CHRISTINE
What the fuck?
(looking up)
Oh, sorry, Lord

.

[Jesus is happily grinning above her.]

JESUS
It’s all right, I’m right here. You’re forgiven. Cursing isn’t really a sin. (holding out his hand) Can I help you up?

[Jesus puts his hand out to help Christine up. A shock runs through them, she lets go fast as she gets to her feet, steps away from Jesus.]

JESUS
Oh, sorry, I should’ve warned you about that. . . Reverb. . . Universal energy has a reverb quality?

[Christine stares at Jesus, blankly!]

JESUS
You’re confused, Christine. I’m here for you.
(beat)
You know . . . it’s shocking to humans, well; former human‘s

.

[Christine whispers into her wireless.]

CHRISTINE
I think the perp has made contact, be on alert.
(whispering to wireless)
We need a 5150…hotline to Belleview.

JESUS
Now, now, Officer Christine Tomei…You must understand

…

[She gives Jesus a dirty look, rushes him and he puts up his hand; she gets frozen in place.]

CHRISTINE
Hey! What are you doing?
(toward wireless)
Guys! NOW!

JESUS
The guys can’t help you now

.

[She falls to the ground.]

CHRISTINE
I’ve . . .been shot?

JESUS
Yeah, and killed . . .well, physically. You will feel a little weak.

CHRISTINE
Jesus? Our Lord and savior, I assume?

JESUS
I guess not such a savior . . .you died.

CHRISTINE
Yeah! Hey! What is that about?

JESUS
(looking up)
See? What did I tell you!

CHRISTINE
No, no. . .you’ve drugged me. I’m dreaming, my purse . . .there it is

.

[She grabs her purse and reaches in, frantically searching for something.]

JESUS
What are you looking for?

CHRISTINE
Jesus!

JESUS
No, I’m right here . . . I wouldn’t fit in there.

CHRISTINE
Very funny, asshole! No, I’m looking for my badge and gun.

JESUS
Oh yeah, those. . . you won’t find them in there, or, here, for that matter.

CHRISTINE
Okay, what do you want?

JESUS
To be understood, finally!

CHRISTINE
Aha! So, you’re not Jesus.

JESUS
No, I am.

CHRISTINE
Can you prove it? Give me miracles . . . bring me back to life. Look, you only had 32 years . . .

JESUS
Yeah, and see how it ended?!
(upward)
Why must we keep bringing that up?!

CHRISTINE
Maybe you can send me back for another 32, at least . . . and make sure I don’t die . . .so . .. so . . . tragically

?

[Jesus dials his cell phone and turns away from Christine.]

JESUS
You‘re a cop!
(into phone)
Hey, Death, how’s it going?. . . Really, two today…Sorry to hear that. . .. Question about death detail . . . Reanimation? Possible? . . . Hmmm . . .

CHRISTINE
Hey, give me a chance, I’ll quit the police force. I’ll become a rock star. It was my dream during high school

.

[He hangs up and goes back to Christine.]

JESUS
There may be some brain damage.

CHRISTINE
Hmmm . . .okay, I’ll take my chances, I can‘t be worse off than Amy Winehouse.
(beat)
Before I head back, I do have a question or two. Is there a devil?

JESUS
Only human forms . . . Hitler, for one. Anne Coulter.

CHRISTINE
The obvious one’s, then, like Bin Laden?
(beat)
What about Charlie Sheen and all those…you know, prostitutes, pimps and scam artists?

JESUS
Sex is not evil.
(beat)
It can be wicked, though

…

[The both seem to getting high now and complete the sentence together.]

CHRISTINE
JESUS
. . . if you do it right!

CHRISTINE
Christians, only?

JESUS
Nah! The joke is on the Christians. The Jews were right

!

[He laughs, again. Christine gives him a dirty look.]

CHRISTINE
Seriously.

JESUS
Nah! Everyone comes here!

CHRISTINE
Atheists?

JESUS
It’s hilarious when they arrive! You can imagine their surprise

.

[They both are laughing hysterically, much too much . . .it’s like they’re high.]

CHRISTINE
Oh, Keith Richards . . . what is that all about?

JESUS
Get this, he died years ago . . . it’s an alien in his place!

CHRISTINE
Ah, so there is life on other planets?!

JESUS
How else can you explain Lady Gaga?

CHRISTINE
Hey, are we high?

JESUS
Was Jim Morrison high?!
(takes a whiff)
The air is made of cannabis! Why do you think we call it Heaven?!

CHRISTINE
Smells like roses, here, though . . .

JESUS
Thank you! My idea

!

[They laugh hysterically. Jesus taps Christine on the forehead, she faints. Jesus exits. Christine awakes, right where she collapsed before.]

CHRISTINE
What? Where the fuck?!
(she sits up)
Jesus Christ

!

[Jesus comes back in, and right to Christine.]

CHRISTINE
Are you …? Sorry about saying your name in vain, like that.

JESUS
Hey, thanks for the ego boost…nice to have beautiful women screaming out my name.

CHRISTINE
I smell roses . . . and have a strange craving for munchies

!

[Jesus looks up, smiles . . .]

JESUS
Ah yes, home sweet home.

Impressum

Nächste Seite

Seite 1 /