Lost and unforgiven
I have always thought that as me
a child
nothing of worth
something in the way
that forced its way
into being

I don't know what I'm doing
until I made a cut
or twenty
in one moment
because numbness is not mine anymore
It was taken a long while ago

The moment I allowed words to reach me
to give me light in darkness
my path changed
It has twists and turns
and sometimes, I think I walk along the ceiling
trying to understand
what the fuck is happening
why I couldn't go back
to the emotionless girl
with no hope of even living
but being there for people to turn to
even though she failed at it

What happened to never giving up?
Where did my will go?
One time of actually loving
to the point of crying
and willing to kill myself on the inside to help
has torn me apart
but I don't know how to rebuild myself

Where did it all go?
I use to stand before people
not giving a fuck on the outside
while always feeling subconscious
but always saying whatever came to mind
I still do
but the words are caught
I can't share them
with the one person I want to share them with
Since when did I fear this much?
I use to believe in being reckless
to be able to live
yet here I am being cautious
tip-toeing and pretending

Where is Rebekah
the little nut that people actually liked
so much that she has a mother her age
and a brother she doesn't really know
and friends that remember her
even though she can't remember?
What happened to that will of hers
the stubbornness she was born with
the willingness to do something stupid
without anyone giving her ideas?
What has happened to her....?

Someone has told me that I'm just growing
This? Growing? No....
Growing was the change to focus on better things
to try not to be so obsessed with death
though it's still there in me, a part of me as my past
Growing is the difference from the little bitch I once was
to a more mature girl, trying to be a better example
because she knows she has fucked up a lot
not only with her friends, but with her siblings,
her family, and her niece and nephews
Growing, I can see, is the different little stages I've been through
From an angry child, to an angry adolescence
one that could only hate and resent
because she always felt it was her fault
To a fourteen year old, thinking of dying
To the fifteen year old that thought she found love
To the sixteen year old that held her ground
To the seventeen year old hurting
and loving at a distance
because that's what she thought was the better choice

I cannot lie anymore to myself
without truly killing myself
not on the outside but inside
I know I've said that I killed the human me
but she's still breathing
She watches, observes and yearns to be there
but it hurts so much more because we're fully aware
That we can't
We can't be by the side of our loved one
We can't return to thinking like a cutter
We can't breathe while being honest
We can't live without being blunt
So we pretend, thinking this will work
but it doesn't

Stepping back is just another one of my blunders
I should have fought to tell him
that I love him more than anything
that his eyes have haunted my dreams
because I doubt he will ever look at me again
because I want to see him
and want him to be the last thing I see before returning to darkness

I swore to lock up my emotions and bury them
along with the human me
I will say it over and over: I failed
I failed as your girlfriend, when I was
I failed on myself for ever being so fucking blind
I failed to kill myself and my emotions
I failed on being your friend because I don't think
I can stand by anymore while you hurt
without wanting to help you
even though I feel as if you don't need me

I know that I need you, that I love you
and don't think I'll be able to love anyone else
even to my dying day
I know myself well enough
I may not have the experience of others
with dating or 'loving'
but I already know that it's weird to feel such a want
to die for you, to kill for you, and hold you
so you have someone there
who knows too well that you can't tell me it all
and is learning to accept it
because I've held back too
and it's unfair to hold that to you
when it's not your fault
I should have known better that somethings just can't come out
especially since I couldn't tell anyone for a month
of the one time I got hit, got clawed, and had screamed at the one
who did harm, who blamed me, and made me feel
as if I am only a demon spawn

Demon spawns can't love, can they?
Because if they can't, that means I'm no demon
and my little act goes to Hell

I haven't been well
I haven't felt fine
Only in your arms
have I ever felt secure
and sure that I have a future
and that I'm not living to die
to see my dead little brother
or my dog
that I can have a family and love
without being as bad as my family
for I know that each and every one of us
need to learn some things
before it becomes too late

No.... I'm hoping it's not too late when this is read
Not by my cousin, but by the one it was written for
This time, Kiti doesn't live in me
I've been living to write her story
of how she lived and died
trying to protect the ones that she loved
without ever telling them that she loved them
I don't think I can do that
because it hurts to be so quiet
without telling you that you have an affect on me
that no one can ever hope to have
even if they love me or like me
or if I am their light, their reason for living still

I'm waiting
in a quiet forest
where I first met my muse
and wishing so much
for you to be there
since it's raining
and the lightning show is amazing
so amazing......

Impressum

Texte: Everything written is of my own creation.... the art
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.08.2011

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Widmung:
To the only person that I ever came to love and incapable of telling him the full truth because I still hide within my walls