Some people fear the unknown
Others fear the people around them
What happens
when both combine?
A child
unsure, uncertain
living in predicaments
that they would rather die
than face
And what of the others around them?
Standing there, watching
seeing the scars be made
but never reaching out to help
Who has the guts to help anyone
besides themselves?
One day, we'll face that
One day
we'll kill that


Opening

Her words intoxicated
her only listener
Trying, he focused
on the message
Not her face
or her body, at that

She smiled her beguiling smile
knowing once more his thoughts
The soft brown orbs warmed him
conveying a new message
one of understanding
and one of love


She Who Is Me

I knew a girl
She watched the world with bright eyes
She enjoyed what she had
And dreamed of that special love
Reserved for that one who would further her bliss
But she had no chance

For she dreams of Death now
Wishing for that sudden escape
When her eyes found the sky again from below
She believed she could never reach it
So her eyes darkened and glazed
As she laughed each day to hide her pain

The mental wounds began to show
Reflected from a judge mental mirror to physical life
Just as her last hopeful dream faded with memory of happiness
She took notice of herself
Of what she had already become
What was it that she lost exactly?

Her days are marked by blood or sweat
Her memory of herself only as a little girl
Welcome to the real world with no guide
A world of false practices
A black cavity that people live in
Just as unpredictable as everything she knew

Everything falls into a simple code
What she shouldn't do
What must be done
Just another part of her puzzling life
The rest unable to be told
But by her scars

What has she seen?
Cruelty masked as friendship?
Friends connected to her fear and obsession, Death?
She fears the waking day
Torn from forgotten fantasies shrouded with sleep
Only wishfully thinking of leaving it all

There is no reasoning remaining
And her second desire is solitude
But she wants to smile and laugh just as she did years ago
Is it truly wrong to wish or to want?
Is it false to dream of alternate realities?
Does it take her to drown to escape this rotting reality?

The tears fall easily as she weakens
Who would understand her for who she is?
Who could save her from herself?
Or end this sliver of misery to start a new?
She found the courage to open up
But was returned with confusion as a guide

She had once loved to have peace
Did it mean to be observant?
Looking up rather than down?
Death still looks down on her
Seeking out her weaknesses
Making her fade in and out

Alone and fighting hard
for a reason to live


New Night

Another comes
Another goes
Past a gate
No one knows

Just like a setting Sun
Leaving the scenery behind
Replaced with the Moon
Recreating Sunlight with Moonlight

As Day turns to Night
And Night to Day
There must be another life
Just no one knows until they die

One For the Vet's

A prayer for life
A continuous fight
Sacrifices are made
forgotten by pain

One day it will be remembered
A God-sent gift to remember
to never be forgotten

Peace is what they wanted
Peace is what they deserve

Happy Veteran's Day

Peace to the weary
A thanks for the service
The war is over
Now it's our turn to end it

Lies and Small Pains

Get out of my head
Creating images I don't need
Don't want

You know there's someone else
For both you and me
Yet you say what you say
Trying to fuck with me
In more ways than one
Still, you have your girlfriend hanging on you
You know her feelings for you
And I bet you know
That I feel like I'm a traitor
I am lying, acting
To my own cousin, nonetheless

Why is my life filled
with so many lies?
You want more to break
Is that why you want me to lie?

I wish this never happened
I'd rather be oblivious
I have a painful clarity
of the life I want to throw away
Just so fuckin' tired of this shit


Has no one told you?
Your cries are all in vain
- "Cries in Vain" by Bullet For My Valentine

I'm not okay
I'm okay, I'm okay now
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I'm really this: I'm okay

Trust me, I'm not okay, I'm not okay
When I'm not okay, I'm not o-fuckin-kay
I'm not okay, I'm not okay
- "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance

Freedom of Pain

(12 Years of Age)

Here I am, awaiting death
Why am I still alive?
My family does not keep me here
But why am I here
When I've lost all reason?

Here I am, sitting here
Contemplating my short life
Does curiosity keep me going?
When I'm so sure others are better without me
My friends would benefit greatly

Though it was my best friend who introduced me to reality
I've come to believe we should have never met
Maybe it is worth living... of maybe hanging
Maybe neither 'cause I don't live nor change for anyone

For I am bruised and cracked emotionally and mentally
Who could possibly understand?
So many have wasted their time trying

I am aware things could be much worse
I don't wish to die just to be tormented
I really just want to disappear, forget, or start over entirely
Just like every other angst teen, right?
How great would it be to vanish into my own world
Or a void just for me but with the people I care about

My fears, my dreams
My hate, my anger
Freedom for this Hell
Free of the people who aren't worth it
And freeing those who are of me

For The Love Of God

Suck small wounds that are so tempting to make.
The living call for retrieve of such things
From those who do not wish to live as fakes.
Often, mothers cry as they do such things
But never do they listen to their cries.
They are too swallowed up in their pain
And often cannot hear past their own cries.
How can they be saved when it's all in vain?
For these souls, even God is forsaken
But still there is some small hope there inside,
Even if they're not the Only Begotten.
But hard to find, drown'd in torment inside.
So close to giving in but still unknown,
How painful in is, or how cold, like snow.

Hello

Who am I to explain?
This strain is new, a little much
Pressuring my mind
I don't understand
Your new fascination
Why are people fascinated?
I'm not scared, I'm just new
What do you expect from me?
As a woman or a girl?
As a friend? As a girlfriend?
Hell, if I know!
I can't read minds
I'm just a bit observant.


Nothing here
there won't be for a while
the tears are threat
to my remaining sanity

a longing for your presence

She Lives

She is the Devil
She knows how to disguise herself
as an angel amongst you
She watches for those ready to fall
and helps them break away
In mid fall, she catches them
embracing them in her darkness
Leading them astray

You fools don't know what you're messing with.

I didn't fall.
I dived to catch the falling.

Live and Love

You, you left me
You walked free
While I screamed
Forever lost in nightmares

You can't see
You can't see
What you've done to me
Always left alone
Feeling all alone

Can't you see
Can't you feel
All the pain
That I feel
Every time you talk to me
It's never enough
You just happen to mean so much

I can't seem to wake up
No, I can't stand to wake up
For all I have is fears
All I have left is tears

Because I can only be alone

Can't you see
Can't you feel
All the pain
That I feel
Every time I talk to you
It's never enough
No, it's never enough
You just happen to mean so much

Please look at me
Set me free
That's all I plead for
That's all I plead for
Really, that's all I need

Away from the pain
Away from this game
No longer an object
No longer a person
Lost in rejection

I love you
I hate you
But in all respect
You are my light, my hope
The one that creates shadows
As well as reveals the truth

Can't you see
Can't you feel
All the pain
That I feel
Every time I talk to you
It's never enough
You just happen to mean so much

Every time that I talk
Time that I talk
It's never enough
No, it's never enough
You really mean that much to me

This is what is takes
To live and love
Let it all in and out
And at least live without love


Maybe one day I can tell you what I feel without fear of causing you trouble.

I don't care if the feelings are returned.

I'll live and wish to still be friends.

Can we still be friends?

When I disappear, I hope you don't know or worry, though, why would you of all people worry?

There is a lot left unsaid where I don't know how to say it.

No matter how many words I use to try describing it, I could never fully express it.

All of this, just as a drug, addictive as my own delusion.

I hope one day I could paint these feelings with words unlike my meager vocabulary, all to show you that I'm serious unlike yourself.

Sayonara

It's hard to forget
A wonderful friend
That changes themselves
Into something they're not

All for you
A wonderful friend
Hurts themselves
Just for you

Their words strike
Drawing tears
When you're not the kind to cry
They definitely got a direct hit

I can never forgive myself
For the friend I forced to change
At one point, they were my best friend
But now, there is a rift as well as tears

As our friendship dies
Sinking into the damn sea of life
I still offer another apology
Before letting go into the flow of time

one last sorry that I hope she will accept and forgive me for my selfishness

It's time to say it
Goodbye – "Photograph" by Nickelback

The Other Side

In the mirror I see
haunted forest that have tried
warning, teaching, learning, seeking

Little creatures come out in darkness
creating distractions to the things
their world wishes to ignore

Sacrifices, rains of salt water
truth that cannot be simply
contained

In the mirror I see
a multitude of flaws
ones other living humans have

Flames burning, bringing tears
a black thing forming and growing
And the worst of all: want

Discontent, grabbing to get whatever first
that false happiness that leaves yearning
Yearning for the past
Without drama, without yelling, without anger
without any emotion but blissful joy

A joy lost in the choking vines
that grows in the black thing hidden within
and surrounded by flames and stones

Two Part

She sits there in the darkness
one part silent, the other looking out

Unbidden tears having already dried
losing to that other side crazier than anyone she knew

One part solemn, one part smiling
Which is her? The one being helped or being betrayed

Crying and alone, her reasons blinking out
wishing to feel, yet not, wanting to be free and off

The silence only creating a growing hole where her emotions once were
long forgotten just as tears that evaporated, her only 'freedom' unseen

She knows what's there, though her act suggests otherwise
scars and veins, see-able to her, each time reminding her how 'easy' it once was

Observant and quiet, she knew the rules, even if she disliked them
she lived, did as she was told, she loved, she forgave them

Falsely led by the demons all around
denying feelings, falling for the last guardian

What had happened to her strength, her love?
Sleeping, floating, surrounded in deep rooted protection

Had she once been an angel? A prophetess for happiness?
Changing with each day, refusing to fight any longer

A warrior in hopelessness, flocking with others
but no longer a part of it, turning from those trusting smiles

That dream full of warmth, that other part of her
a reflection of herself in another form

With a power so ancient but still so innocent
a burning to destroy old memories, no longer leaving her alone

A place where she fits and the tears no longer chase her
her final challenge, but only in her dreams

Fallen Angel

I
Fallen Angel with new wings
Awkward and new to new found joy
With it, she can soar the skies
Out of reach of her old memories
To overcome coming storms

II
Fallen Angel with new wings
She continues with new love and trials
A suitor or two, all once friends
The storm is coming, growing in size
What to do? What to do?
She still doesn't know what to do

III
Fallen Angel with new wings
Beaten down in shocking revelry
Does one notice?
Does one care?
Will anyone try anything
to make it all fair?

IV
Fallen Angel with new wings
Growing powerful in negative emotions
No longer invisible, but never returning to God
What is expected falls away
As she flies alone wounded

Dreams of a Kitten

The shadows tremble
in remembrance
Of their leader, the all-dying Goddess of Darkness

Her power, her compassion
her will, her beauty
Some things that remain immortal in their hearts

Loved but abused and hated
no hope to follow
As everything around her falls away to her other part

The love of Death
her resentment of Fate
Even though Fate had made her strong and allowed her to surpass

But even if she excelled
she couldn't see past what she had done
Brought death to the innocent, loved people who deserved every bit of happiness

To tear that away, she knew the damage
knew who was truly at fault
No lie could deter her for she saw past it all

For she refused to lie, unnecessarily
she rebelled against what shouldn't be
What made the murderous right as the weak crumble before her

All alone in her fight
no one would know
How much she has already been shattered

Beyond repair by even the Gods
she is lost in all of her own pain
And no longer capable of fending for others let alone herself

Emotion

All is a trick
the feelings we live
Anger, flint against steel
a spark in reaction of choice in dislike
The overwhelming ocean of depression
just a moment of allowing the bullet to dig in
Bright, lightening happiness:
an illusion that we dwell in
And love, the food for the heart
the ultimate trick

Just finding things to like
simple little traits to build from
Or in a split second,
overwhelmed, liking what is seen
Believing it is real and true
that love has slipped in
To make the world all bright and beautiful
as the mind floats, untouchable in its disillusionment

Words of anger can't burn the heart
Words of hatred can't stab the soul
Nothing seems to reach through the bliss
except the truth that weedles into the mind
This is not the love that's believed in
It is only a malfunction of the mind

All my belief
that I don't even follow

Who Am I

Who am I?
The fallen looking up?
The one desiring beauty?
or Death, as a witness or an accomplice?

I stand here
quietly lost, wishing to give up
But I still try
reflecting what I yearn for in shadows

Is there another me?
A devil living within me?
Who smiles at others' losses?
Two separate minds standing as one?

Maybe 'she' is the skilled one
living off others, slowly killing them
Weighing her options carefully
as she smirks, knowing the possibilities before me

Or maybe it is me, an ally within myself
that hides my tears without facing me
Which side is more deadly?
I dare not judge her or me

Who am I?
Another role in waiting?
Maybe another invisible child
reaching out but receiving nothing besides scars

Who stares back in the mirror?
Are they the stronger part or the more knowledgeable?
Or cold hearted murderer
Watching the other side cry as the flaws become apparent

Are we a remake?
Incapable of real love but capable of pain
Or are we just another entity
with our emotions locked away where we can't reach?

It will eventually show, I know,
prominent as a jewel, the bruises will show

Juvenile

1950's
(Original version)

Evil little critters
a new generation
Breaking the law
to satisfy rebellion

The gap between parents
and children deepen
As new stars rise
the sense of difference builds

Little bits agree
one part rock 'n' roll
The other part disagrees
as Elvis keeps rollin'

(Jazzmon's version)

Evil little critters
a new generation
Breaking the law
to satisfy rebellion

The gap between parents
and children deepen
As new stars rise
like Elvis Presley and them other guys

Now's the time where you are my life
What I hear hurts my ears
And what I see burns my eyes

Fragile Things

I realize now
How stupid I am
How stupid of me to fall
Fall for something so stupid to me
I realize now what you have done to me

You gave me hope
And in my depression
I clung on to it
With such strength
Neither one of us realized
What was done

But I know now
You gave me hope

Now I can regret it
Grasping on so tightly
That I can't let it go
For with that hope
Is my destruction
The one who swore
Never to hold such feelings

But I can say this
With my hope
I am not certain that
These feelings I hold
Are even feelings for you

Which is better, though?
The bliss or the numbness

Love At Home

How can you know the pain I feel
when you trample on the still healing wounds
Do you even realize
how fucking tired I am
of these stupid arguments over nothing?
You don't listen to reason
Your tendency of not understanding
that when I stand her
saying "Leave me alone.”
I mean it.

This is not my life
That died years ago
along with the little girl you raised
You never really knew me
Did you even know
how constantly I dream of death?
It's all I care for, what I really want
no matter what you say or do
Do you know
how devoid I am of love?
All these years, there wasn't any at home
and when I thought I found it
it is torn from me and withers away

I am done
I never really wanted to breathe since the divorce
I honestly don't know
how much of your bullshit I can take
Just let my soul hollow out
so it won't affect me
Forever more

Rain Drops

I've seen there tears
The came raining
pouring in every crevice made
filling them to the rim
to fake the act of 'fine'

I remember their faces
They think it's guilt
What bullshit
are you feeding yourself
to feel better?

Will you remember
my insecurity?
You didn't ever help me
besides showing me
What I don't want to be

I don't know how much I've cried

Reason

We’ve all stood her before
Words of anger or desperation
Thrown around and around
Until it comes back to hit us

Why did you say that?
That horrible thing that you regret
More of because you didn’t get across
What you really thought
An utmost failure of words

But you also think
Why didn’t I do this?
Or simply walk away?
You will see now how chained you really are
Looking about as you wonder
Why am I here?

There are a lot of ‘whys in this case
Why didn’t I hit back?
Why did I let him leave me here?
Why can’t I find myself?
Why can that bitch get away with all
Of this bullshit?

Calmer now, you know why you:
Didn’t walk out
Didn’t hit back
Didn’t just rip her throat out

For one: it lowers you to your enemy’s level
No one wants that, not even a killer
And two: you swore you’d be different
• Different from your old bitchy self
• Different from that abusive step-bitch
• Different from your ignorant father
Even different from your friends

So it’s easy to see
You’re an outcast
An outcast amongst outcasts
Did you see her tears?
She’s hiding you as we fall into darkness
Or light
Who knows what really stands with you?

Cold Anger

Run it by me again why I should listen
I sit, listening to you and your b.s.
Ignoring you and the rest of the class
Ruining the privileges we are given
Really? All you do is complain
You tell me to shut up
When you can't be quiet for even a minute
You cuss even after saying 'Sorry Ms. Bodnar'
And you're loud about how much you hate your job

I live to explain while you live to degrade
Out of everyone in the class, you earn the least pity
How bad is a job working with smoothies?
Nothing to cleaning cactus for eighteen hours straight
You claim you'll deck me in the face?
Try. My life is about being reckless, living with older brothers who build you up
Even then, your scrawny arms won't do much damage
I'd sooner be able to break your arms before you'd be capable of doing much

Truthfully, you're just another tiny little bitch in Summerlin
I put up with shit on the eastern side of town
I don't have to put up with shit from you
You're all bark without any real bite besides shame
Raven would be able to kick my ass but certainly not you

If you think you can hit me physically
Then I'll return it verbally
Save your complaints for the other bullshitters that don't know responsibility

Let me know when you've seen families torn apart and children dropped into another's care. I've watched everyone in my family, including the extended part, be scarred with things your immaturity won't let you truly comprehend besides 'That won't happen to me.'

I'd like to see the look on your face when your two year old niece is torn from her mother for two years and now wakes up in the middle of the night screaming for her mother. You watching her cling to your sister, no matter how much she loves you as an aunt, she'd rather be with her mom. You knowing that she knows that you were there for her at the time of her birth and she was there for you when only two years old and you're family just split and that disillusion I have called happiness is erupted by reality. She knows that you have watched her for all these years. You have taken care of her. You took your time to keep her out of trouble so her mother can work to help take care of her.

You don't know anything until you get off your stupid high horse, get rid of your God forsaken pride, and look out beyond yourself. You're not the center of the universe. You have no right to it but I'd revel in watching you die trying to be it. I would dare you to try being something new that isn't so selfish, kissing ass to your teachers just so you can get away with shit, blaming others when you are part of it too, but I am absolutely convinced that you are too much of a cowardly little girl to even try and be a grown up.

Who in Hell are you to judge
when you're much worse than me?


You couldn't live a day on your own, Keyanna.
Try five years.

What of It

Words are words
powerful and worrisome
the possibilities in between
unknown and unpredictable

Why do we
say the things
that we do?

J.S.: thinks I'm cute
B.B.: finds me fascinating
N.M.: IDK
J.C.: someone cool and cute

I don't see
what others see
What do people see as me?

Death of Me

I see her face
and it is mine.
The blood flowed
from her throat.
The tears flooded
from her 14 year old eyes
As the life disappeared
I was born

Perdon

Stab my back

it's better if I'm bleeding
Rip out my heart

it's better if I'm not feeling
Burn my corpse

so there is no remains
of the girl you knew
but by thinking so
you pressed me, pushing me
over the edge to my death

Sayonara

I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry that I have a different point of view
I'm sorry that you'll never understand these words
because you never listened.
My revenge is my silence
and the truth ringing in your ears.

Back To You

If I am a liar
then does that make you?
If I am a demon's spawn
then what gave birth to you?
If my attitude sucks
take a look at your act
It's transparent
because you think I'm dumb
At least I'm not an
• illegal immigrant
• that doesn't speak English
• and cleans for a living
• as she abuses what's around her
Because I'm not even living

Here

Always out of reach

I'll keep the words
you never told me
as a ward to keep
my heart untouched

I'll recover from
my own delusion

No longer a child
gone is my trust

Fuck It

If you leave
and come back
saying how 'worried' you were
about us
I'll call you a liar
Don't come near me
You hate me,
remember?
Don't touch me.
I'm the demon child,
right?
I hate you
Du hast neish

Me and my attitude
You and your pride
Anger is nothing
But your very being
means everything?

Reach out to me,
I'll slap your hand away.
Harm them
I'll stand and defend.

This isn't
win or lose
It's fight
or die inside


For Chibi

Murder me slowly,
if you want to kill me at all.
Hate me always,
if you can hate me at all.
Never forgive me,
for I am the one at fault.
Never forgetting
because you know it is my fault.


Twist of Fate

Let me take it,
all the pain and misery
All you have to do
is spread your wings
and live freely
That's all I can ask for
You can do things
I can never do

Story of a Girl

I will tell you a story of a little girl.

She was loved
and loved those around her
but then everything fell apart.
Her family was torn
She was alone

When she made new friends
that were there for her
and things seemed to get better,
Her father tare her away from them
and darkness returned

She became
reserved,
withdrawn from society
Darkened
as a fallen angel
Things just wouldn't get better

Reality was harsh
and not worth looking forward to
Waking moments were tormenting
but she dare not sleep
Her dreams were her nightmares
Her dreams were of the past
that died with her heart

Falling and falling
she shattered
never to fly again
She prayed everyday
for the day where
she can finally be free

That day came
when the blade dug too deep
finally deep enough....
with the words
she wished she heard

Yakedo

Love is forsaken
the words get used
so frequently
that is has
no value

the action is wasted
for pleasure
when no one really
gives a shit

But when it’s asked of a friend
it’s hard to say no
not because of ‘love’
but because
you don’t want to hurt them

and it’s harder
to face them each day
without remembering
‘that person likes me’

I’m sorry for saying
your soul is damned
because you like
a ginger
a sinner

it isn’t at risk
but I can’t picture
you as anything
but a friend

Nakushita

You walk free
leaving me screaming,
lost in my nightmares

I will never be found
I can't ever be found
For, if I'm found
I am weak
and I will always fight that

Forever I will fight
trying to be strong in this cage
that hates the fact
that I think for myself

I refuse to lay down
and fall to these lies
I choose
to live my own style....

Feelings

Especially for Nate-kun¬

Fallen so deeply, so hard
Don't know where I'm going
or how I got this far

Painful as it is
I love you
The words I once forgot
Speak for themselves

Sending me into a flurried rush
Sending me into a new love

The Real Me

The old me is sleeping
Waiting for the pain
It's true, I swear

Just the same as
my joy returns to me

As a Child, I felt similar warmth
But not as strong as this

One Other

My life is turning
My small world bursting in light
Still, there is that one other
Who dropped me into another part
of reality

That one who has my feelings
feelings I question if they'll last
You preoccupy my thoughts
but he will always be there
a shadowed spot
in the back of my mind
The one who started this

My feelings are true
I cannot deny it
They are true as my word
For you know my honesty to you
They will not change
Even after a separation
I can never allow myself
to fall to my temptations

Fin

I love
my brothers and sister
my boyfriend
my friends

They
have strengthen me
have been my crying shoulder
joined me in plotting my revenge

Without them
I would not have written or posted anything
I would probably be in my grave now
I never would have found the strength of my own being

It is them
I am inspired by to create
For if not for them
I would crumble under abuse
without realizing what is really abuse
and what the abuser can't do
but I can
and that I, too, can feel good and look good,
though nothing defeats what man cannot make: true beauty
the stars, the earth, the sunrise

For those who made it this far:
I commend you
for I lack confidence in myself and my work
Even if a single person reads
then there's a chance it will spread
like the "I'll vote for you if you vote for me"
just not so desperate

I only want understanding
and possibly connection
to those who don't have proper support
and remind them
we are, sadly, not alone

Again, thank you
I have no other purpose
but to share
what I find impossible to say
~Rebekah Brewer~
Boko

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 16.06.2011

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