Where it all started - Prologue

Prologue

These were the times. The times I wish I would never have to put up with my life.
My head was killing me as I woke with a start. Like there were many little people inside my skull all shouting and banging to get out.
Minutes later I shot up, making my head spin even more in the process and reached over to the pink bed side cabinet. Sliding open the top drawer, I grabbed a pack of pain killers and threw two of the light blue ovals into my mouth. I forced them down my throat, making me feel the need to choke, but I managed to keep them down and stay silent.
I then lay back down, hoping for the pain to disappear and for sleep to take me away. I had a side thought knowing sleep was for the impossible. I knew this because of the hushed but shouting voices coming from down the narrow, orange lit landing that led to my bedroom door.
“We have to get rid of her,” hissed my step-mum, Bella.
“We can’t. Kileshia is our daughter!” John replied with anger in his voice.
Trying to take my thirteen year old ears away from the conversation, I realized I couldn't. These conversations were the norm of my life ever since I could remember and from experience I knew this was the last couple of days, weeks if lucky of being with this couple. Moving from foster family to foster family was my life before Bella and John and now it was going to start again. This place has been my home since I was ten years old and it was going to hurt to say good-bye to it. I felt loved, cared for, but now all I felt was that I was disowned.
As soon as that thought popped into my head, the door creaked open sending in a flash of orange into the inky black room. Coming in was John followed by Bella. I quickly closed my eyes so I could pry on their conversation.
“We can’t just get rid of her; you know it will kill her.” John loved me with all his heart. It was evident in his eyes. Like a father loving his biological daughter even though I wasn't.
“We have to think what’s best for the baby, our baby!” Bella also loved me but right now her heart was in her womb were her real child was developing.
“Shhh, you’ll wake her up and Kileshia is our daughter and a part of this family and if you don’t like that, then why did you sign the papers?”
“I know that she is a part of this family, but right now, I have to think of what’s best for my baby and in seven months we will have a little boy or girl and I want what is best for it. If that means getting rid of Kileshia I would because she is going to wake it up every night with her screaming because of her fake nightmares.”
“We don’t know that she is faking them!”
“I know she is and you know it deep down. We went to the doctors and he said there is nothing wrong with her.”
The nightmares that haunt me twenty-four/seven were real and lately they had been getting worse. All of one thing: a battle of mythical creatures. I tried everything to get rid of them: sleeping with relaxing music; going for a run two hours a day to get rid of stress; going to the doctors to get told I was faking them. And now the parents I thought loved me are getting rid of me just because of them. Great! I thought, sarcastically.
“Look, I know you love her. Believe me, I do too… but we have to think of what’s right for the baby and… it may be good for her,” Bella started again less frustration in her voice. John gave her a dirty look once she said that comment.
“I mean… her nightmares,” She said the word with an edge to her voice. “They might be something we’re doing, and maybe if she’s in another home they might get better.” She put her hand up to stop her husband from replying to her “Just think about it.”
With that, Bella kissed John on the cheek and with the sound of light footsteps; I knew that she just left my room.
I felt John sitting at the end of my bed for a while, his heavy breathing matching the same as my heartbeat. By this point, I had closed my nosy ears and was falling in and out of sleep.
“I love you, Kileshia,” He whispered in my ear and tucked me in bed while kissing the top of my head.


~*~

This is it. I was leaving. I grabbed my rucksack full of clothes, money, and food and slung it over my right shoulder. I curled my right fingers around the strap so it stayed in place. I reached for the gold door handle, opening the bedroom door while darkness surrounded me. I didn't look back. I didn't want to. I was too scared of the tears threatening to fall from my bright blue eyes. I gingerly crept down the wooden stairs, hoping that the floor boards wouldn't creak like they usually did and wake the household. Luck was on my side. I got to the hall at the bottom of the steps when the crying began, but I didn't look back as I heard Bella and John run across the landing into the five month old little boy’s room to comfort it. I knew he would be loved; it wasn't adopted and had his parents. He was lucky.
I stepped out of the front door. The cold January wind pinched my cheeks and nose as I pulled my winter coat and fluffy cream scarf closer to me. My black walking boots made the snow beneath my feet crunch as I carried on walking, forgetting about the scene of the screaming baby. It was gone, history, I was beginning my new life again.
I walked for hours, not knowing what to do or where to go. My mind wondering back and forth, memories of the house I just came from, to the people in there, to when the baby was born, and then it repeated like a broken record. It was nearly a year since Bella stopped loving me. John was great but only when she wasn't around to witness it. He took me out sometimes to the shops or some crappy museum and it felt like the old times, the only difference was that my step-mum wasn't there.
I reached under a vacant bridge and collapsed against the cold concrete wall. Tears started to build blurring my vision. A car zoomed past, filling the tunnel with light for a split second. As the headlights went across the wall, graffiti was placed all around the tunnel of different colours there was a bundle of names, phrases, and pictures filling the dark space it soon faded as the car left.
I finally noticed my tears had leaked over the walls as I felt the coldness run down my cheek. It entered my mouth, leaving a salty taste on my lips. I soon started to feel drowsy as my eyes began to glue together and I couldn't open them no more. My head hit the floor and I finally slept. The last thought was these were the last tears I would ever shed.


~*~
It’s been a month. A month of freedom. A month with no tears but also a month of loneliness. A month of depression. I changed my appearance a lot from cute pink skirts and dresses to rock shirts and overly baggy jumpers. My hair was no longer a natural wavy blond but black and short. I brought an apartment from the money my birth parents left me. I swore to never use it as they never wanted me, cared for me. But times were different and I had enough of living under the bridge with other homeless people. I only brought a council flat. It stank of alcohol and urine downstairs in the main entrance, but I was on the top floor and inside was clean, one room for my bed, a love seat, TV and kitchen. The toilet was behind a small door. It was okay. I lived in it. I never went out the doors. I ate from take-aways if I was hungry, but I wasn't hungry much. If I needed anything else like clothes I would shop online.
I looked at my arms out of habit. Red marks covered them, but they were healed. Anger filled my eyes.
I ran to the bathroom, flung open the cabinet that was on the blue wall above the sink, grabbed the razor at the front and cut. Blood oozed from my skin and sounded like an old tap had accidently been left on as it hit the sink. Covering the normal white space red, I slide down the closed bathroom door when finished.
I finally got myself off the bathroom floor after a couple of hours and changed into my pyjamas and tucked myself in bed. It was February 14th tomorrow, and it was my birthday. The day I turned fifteen. The day I was meant to be spending with the people that love me, but I had no one. Instead my name and pictures were on most lampposts and build boards; it’s why I never went out much. I knew that social services and the English police are looking for me. Maybe not as much as they used to. Bella probably stopped John from searching if he ever did in the first place. They probably thought I was dead, run over by a drunk driver, killed myself, or stabbed like many other people in London.
I turned over to my right side in bed to look at the time. The bright numbers read '11:59 PM', one minute to go till my birthday. The time seemed to pace slow. You could hear the sirens in the background and loud, booming music playing in the room below, but these are the sounds I was used to and right now this was my home. The place no one could find me and hurt me. I looked over to the clock again. Just as the fifty-nine turned to zero, I was now officially fifteen.
The pain then started on my left ankle like I was on fire. My toes then started, but this time it was like ice. It grew bigger up my legs, stomach, down my arms, and up to my head. The worst was my cheek. It was on fire just like my ankle.
I was able to sit up, making the pain worse. I dangled my legs over the bed, darkness consuming me. Next, I put one foot on the ground, making the pain on my left ankle increase. I had to bite my tongue to stop me from screaming. I reached over to the cold metal bedpost, curled my fingers around it and stood. My legs nearly gave way, but I clung to the post. I was able to limp over to the bathroom to get some cold water on my cheek and ankle to help ease the burning.
I finally got in the bathroom and swung the door open. In the five steps, the pain became excruciating, but it wasn't the worst pain I had felt. It was great to feel such great physical pain and not emotional.
I turned the light on by the long cord that was dangling from the ceiling. The orange light flickered for a bit and as I put my hand down from the cord I saw a flash of purple in the corner of my eye.
“No… no, it must be my imagination.” I thought out loud.
But as I looked at myself in the mirror by the towel rail on the right, it wasn't my imagination. I had grown from 5’6” to about 6’7” in less than 10 minutes. My skin was no longer pale white from lack of sunlight but a dark purple. Dots like face paint ran down my face, arms and-as I pulled my top up-it was all over my overly skinny stomach from lack of food. Where there was fire on my cheek, it was now covered in a spiral of white, glowing dots. I realized the same for my left ankle that you could see clearly as my pyjama bottoms were now too small and looked like ankle bashers. But what shocked me the most were the eyes. They were a gold/yellow just like cats.
I stretched over and turned the light off and on to see if it was real, but I stayed the same. One last time I tried, but this time it wasn't darkness I saw, everything was clear but in a purple light. I pulled the string faster and faster, up and down, but it never changed orange from the lights to purple, orange, and purple, orange, purple. Anger built up in me and I blew as I stretched my hands out. Fire came out of my finger nails on the other hand ice came out stopping the fire in its tracks. My hands did this automatically. I began to drain and feel drowsy as the two elements began to trickle out of my fingers like a stream. I blanked out hitting my head on the cream toilet seat on my way down.

On stage

*17 months later*

“5…6…7…8,” I shouted while waking my drum sticks together gaining everyone’s attention from the audience in the school hall. My hands started playing ‘Arlandria foo fighters’ automatically.
I felt an adrenaline rush as I started to play, I concentrated on the beat closing my eyes to listen harder and to make sure I never missed a beat. I felt free from the world. My band was called glass half full and contained three boys and me being the only girl. What can I say? I don’t socialise with girls they always moan too much!
“Aint that the way it always starts?” Zach started to sing. “A simple word of conversation…” He continued quieter.
The crowd of student and teachers looked bewildered not knowing where to look. It was our first time playing in front of others and boy, were they shocked! Mrs Palmer the music teacher looked proud and was beaming with satisfaction.
“Oh god, you gotta make it stop!” Zach ended with my last bang on the drum.
The crowd erupted in applause and whistles as we all stood up and took a bow. We walked off all having a cheesy grin on our faces. Once off stage and in the school corridor we all jumped on each other trying to get rid of our excitement but failing badly.
“I can’t believe it they like us!” Toni the lead guitarist gasped with a shocked expression plastered onto his face.
“I know, when we walked on the stage they were laughing at us and then when we walked off they were cheering like we were famous!” Paul the bands bass player replied he was also shocked.
“Alright guys quit it, we still don’t know if they will stop throwing, dam right stupid comments at us, just because they like us now doesn’t mean they will tomorrow in first lesson.” Zach explained while gaining glares from the twins Toni and Paul, they both had black hair with green eyes, they were tall and a bit lanky but had a bubbly personality and were great at making you laugh.
“Don’t look at me like that; you know what the bitches in there are like they won’t stop till they tear our group up.” Zach continued ranting while pointing at the big blue double doors that led to the main hall where we just came from.
Zach was the one who couldn’t handle the things people said and was the one that got in most fights he was a heart throb with baby blue eyes and short curly blonde hair but because he hung out with me he was labelled ‘kick me’ at the back of his shirt.
Just because he hung out with me it was ridicules, it started because I couldn’t go to lead bitches house party when I first moved here as no one can see me at night because what I am, a monster, abomination. I didn’t want to wreck the three boys life’s and on a number of occasions I told them to piss off but they were always appearing around school and they said they saw themselves as my bodyguards that was when we formed our band, we normally hung out in the music practise rooms at lunch and break to hide ourselves from the students, instead of just sitting there the boys practised for their band called ‘the three’ they played in talent shows and some clubs to get attention. Then I saw the drum kit that was in one of the four practise rooms we hadn’t been in. It was blue and a bit beaten up from all the wear and tear of the previous drummers I started playing as I was waiting for the boys to come for lunch, it was weird how I had never played a musical instrument before but I picked the beats up quick and started to make my own tunes up. The boys overheard and begged me to be in their band I thought of it for a little while I didn’t want to be that close to them but obviously they became close and are now like big brothers to me, I became a band member but on one condition that we change the name so we did to ‘glass half full’ as we like to look at what we do have in life and not what we don’t have; like a glass of water that’s half full and half empty are the same but it sounds better when you say half full.
“What do you think Kileshia?” Toni asked me joining me into the conversation and dragging me out of my thoughts.
“I think we should wait and see for tomorrow to come,” I simply said with a shrug of the shoulders.
“Oh come on, you must have an opinion! Will they like us? Or will they split us up?” He asked like a question on ‘Who wants to be a billionaire’ while rising his eyebrows up and down.
I chuckled at his enthusiasm as everyone stared at me.
“Look I don’t know, but what I do know is that lead bitch Leah was starring me down up there,” all of the boys shuddered once I said her name, making me giggle again.
I looked at my watch on my right arm and read eight-thirty.
“Look guys I got to go.” I said panicking a bit as it takes about thirty minutes to get home and it will be dark soon as it was July a week before school broke up for summer.
“Arrr…come on just one night come out and celebrate with us,” Zach mumbled.
All the guys gave me puppy eyes but it was no good I knew better than to fall for their tricks.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow…” I sang while turning around and running out of the school entrance, out the car park and ran to the flat I still lived in.
Everything was still the same all that had changed was that I had cooked meals in the fridge and all I had to do was micro-wave them. They were from Emma my social worker.
Once they found me, because of a pizza delivery dude saw my cuts on my arms and thought someone did it to me phoned the police and then they passed it to social services.
Emma saw how much I wanted to stay in the flat on my own and she was ok with it as long as she could have a spear key and check on me anytime of the day, she also gave me a once over to make sure I wasn’t ‘harming’ myself as I used to. I grabbed the homemade lasagne and popped it into the micro-wave for two minutes so it was warm. While that was cooking I sat my homework on the two seta kitchen table. Once the micro-wave had a second to go I jumped over to it and ripped open the door, it wasn’t because I thought it was bomb I just thought the ‘beeping’ noise was annoying. I put the lasagne onto a plate and placed it on the table after I shoved open the wooden draw and retrieving a knife and fork. I began to eat while doing school work.
“Hello,” I answered my phone once I cleared my plates up from off the table.
“Esh, it’s me Emma.” She sounded excited and out of breath.
“Oh, hi thanks for the lasagne I think it was the best so far,”
“Hehehe…that’s what Tim and the kids said” Tim is Emma’s husband for five years and there six year old triplets Lucy, Conner and Ellie they all looked exactly alike but all had different personalities.
“I bet they did, it was the best…ohhh and how did Lucy’s and Connor’s and Ellie’s summer school productions go?” I asked
“They were the cutest! Ellie has the cutest voice, Lucy forgot most of her words and Conner, well let’s just say he was a little bit to confident.”
“Hehehe… What you been doing today?”
“Oh no missy enough about me, how was the end of school year concert? Are you now Miss Cool?” She giggled
“It went really well but I don’t know about the Miss Cool bit since the lead bitch hates my guts I think it may be impossible.”
“Well umm… you may not have to put up with her anymore,” Emma wisped.
“Yeah right even if I moved to another country she’ll still find a way to annoy me.” I sighed at how true this was she was always on my back since year ten when I first moved to that school she would always make roomers saying that I was pregnant or I was on drugs, yeah right it was more like her being pregnant.
“Meet me in the school office tomorrow during second lesson, I have someone you need to meet” With that Emma said goodbye, sniffed and hung up.

What?

I was sitting outside the office waiting for Emma and her mystery person to arrive (whoever it is I think I may kill as he or she made Emma cry last night and she wouldn’t answer any of my calls once she hung up on me).
I decided to miss half of first lesson as it was boring science and I didn’t really fancy listening about energy and chemical reactions it was hard. Also my lab partner was lead bitch who kept giving me death glares from the corner of her eyes because we - me, Zach, Paul and Toni were now apparently famous and known all around school for our end of school year talent competition which we won even though I never stayed everyone kept saying how good we were and what not. Some people even said sorry for the things they did previous years. It was weird and people were pissing me off, I don’t want to be famous I want to be unknown by the other pupils all I want to know is Emma and the boys, that way I would be safe from being hurt again. They were the people who know me, well not the fact that I am a giant purple thing at night but oh well. I only did the show for the boys who are like brothers to me.
“Kileshia I said that we will meet in second lesson not half way through first,” Scolded Emma as she walked through the front door of the small office/waiting area thingy.
She was wearing a bright blue blouse that matched her eyes perfectly it was tucked neatly into a black pencil skirt that fitted in all the right areas, black stockings with shiny black high-heels and her brown wavy hair was in a bun at the top of her head with no lose bits sticking out. She was trying not to smirk as she walked over to the reception lady.
“Oh well, you’re hear right? So where’s this mystery person I’m meant to meet, or have you kicked his butt? Because I might for making you cry last night and why didn’t you answer my calls? You said I have to answer my phone all the time so why didn’t you? And I thought you said first lesson not second.” I smirked while defending myself.
“Less cheek from you Miss and your uniform sort it! I will be right back I have a meeting with the head.” With that she turned around and strutted her way down the hall until the double doors that read ‘head-teachers office’.
The uniform was black trousers, white blouse with a yellow and red stripped tie that represented the school colours, a black blazer was meant to be worn, school shoes were black leather, you were only meant to have stud earrings. Extreme hairstyles and unnatural colours were a no-no.
I wore black skinny jeans, white shirt with my tie in my hands, the blazer was stuffed at the bottom of my rucksack, and instead I wore a grey overly baggy jumper and blue converses for comfort and warmth. Instead of the stud earrings I wore my six mm ear tapper that had blue rain drops for decoration on my right ear and a smiley face stud earring on my left. My hair was bright pink that I change every week it was short and layered.
“Kileshia I said uniform, sort it!” Emma hissed while coming out of the boss’s office. I gave her the ‘WTF look’ she never cared about my appearance as long as I stayed out of trouble.
I just slumped back on the chair folding my arms.
“Who’s the special person then?” While giving her a knowing look,
“He’s… he’s a friend”
“What about Tim?!” I blurt out.
“What? No… not in that way Esh, he’s actually a friend of Tim’s apparently even though I’ve never met him.” She tilted he eyebrows in confusion as she thought.
“What’s he got to do with me?”
“This is the hard part, I’m not trying to get rid of you, I’m not and I know about ‘Glass half full’ but you can chat on Skype and stuff it’s not like you’re never going to see…”
“What are you talking about?” Now I was completely confused.
“He wants to adopt you and he wants you to live with him in New York.”
“What?” I exploded standing up.
“Esh just listen…”
“New York are you joking? No way, no way he can go suck himself.”
“Look, this may be your last chance of a family your sixteen and you know as well as I do that adults don’t want to adopt teenagers they want babies or small children.”
“You and the boys are my family!”
“We’re your friends Kileshia and I know you’re scared because of your experience with adopting but just give it a chance…”
“As I said before, he can go suck himself”
“Thanks?” A masculine voice said coming behind me sounding more like a question.
“Kileshia this is John Groove” Emma said introducing me to him she was back in business mode a smile plastered on her face.
“John?” I ask in disbelief the same name as my old step-dad, great!
But as I turned around they were nothing alike.
He was dressed in dark blue jeans, white polo shirt he had a black jacket over the top and black shoes on. He was in his mid-thirties and he was very masculine like he worked out hours a day. His hair was curly and messy it was dark brown nearly black his eyes were a light grey. His grin that every girl except me would fall for showed he wasn’t serious.
“That’s me,” John outstretched his hand to greet me but I ignored it and glared at him.
“Umm… well, why don’t we get out of the school and go to a café or someplace where we can talk?” Emma suggested desperate for me to say yes.
I couldn’t say ‘no’ she had done a lot for me in the past it didn’t seem right so I nodded my head.
“Good let’s go,” Emma grinned at me and began to walk out the door with a skip in her step.
“Let me drive.” John offered to Emma whom were walking in front of me to the school car park.
“Well… if you insist.” Emma blushed, OMG she was married!
“That I do,” She giggled like a school girl at his response.
I just stood there as the ink black limo came into view. The others were getting into the back.
“Kileshia? You coming?” John asked worried.
I stepped back and shook my head ready to run for it.
“Kileshia give me a chance please, I’m begging here.”
“I’ll…I’ll,” Something was pulling me towards the limo.
I walked over to the car as John held open the door for me. I nodded in gratification.
It was black leather inside, expensive and not me.
“So Kileshia tell me about you, any hobbies?” John asked who was across from me.
Yeah right as if I was going to make it easy for him. I pulled out my headphones from my bag and plugged them into my iPod. I wasn’t going to talk to him he was taking me away from my home, the people I know, the school I go to and I think I may even miss lead bitch.

Coffee Shops

To sum up the scene at the coffee shop in one word it would be awkward. John tried a number of failed attempts to communicate with me and drag me into the conversation but I was having none of it.
I sat in the corner booth on my own while the other two sat opposite me in the wooden chairs with light green cushions on that matched the interior design of the place. I leaned against the wall, my legs tucked into my body and my arms wrapped around them hoping for protection of the slight hurt in my heart each time I heard the name ‘John’.
I blanked out throughout the conversation the only thing I took in was that I was leaving for New York on Friday today was Wednesday. I thought the adoption process was longer than this. In less than two days I would be gone not to see ‘Glass half full’ in person for God knows how long. Emma, her husband, there kids will all be left behind. I didn’t know what hurt more: knowing Emma wasn’t putting up a fight to keep me here or leaving everyone. I knew this day was going to come, the day she didn’t want me anymore and today was that day. I took in a shaky breath as I realised another person I loved is hurting me.
John caught my action and noticed an emotion in my blue eyes that softened his facial expression towards me. He leant over to Emma and wisped something in her small right ear, she glanced at me and then back to him after a number of these she finally nodded her head to answer the thing he asked her. I wasn’t certain what he asked but I guessed it was to ask her to leave as the next thing she was doing was standing up and with a final smile towards me which I didn’t return she turned on her sharp heels and walked over to the other side of the coffee shop. (What? No she can’t leave me on my own with him!) She picked up a colourful magazine on her way from the metal rack and sat down at another square table, I kept seeing her eyes flicker towards me trying to be discreet but I caught her. She hated being kept in the dark not knowing what people were saying.
I wanted my iPod back to avoid the man staring at me; I wanted to be distracted by the music and for it to take me away to another world, a world with no pain. But it was in my back pocket I know I didn’t like the man but there was no reason for me to be rude. I sat there picking at my unfiled nails fidgeting in my seat under his bold gaze. My pale fingers travelled down my wrists, across my scars wanting the emotions to leave my system. I wanted to feel numb.
John caught the white and pink slashes lining my arms. He opened his mouth trying to speak but then closed it again like a gold fish. He looked straight back into my eyes as I hid my arms behind my back keeping them out of sight. I wasn’t ashamed with what I did; I just didn’t want to see the pity.
I searched his eyes looking for any sign of disrespect or hatred towards me but there was none. I saw sorrow in his eyes, for a second a hint of regret flashed across them but it left as soon as it came as he noticed I was searching in his eyes. It wasn’t regret of sitting here with me but regret of him wanting to change the past so I wasn’t in this country to begin with. But he never had anything to do with me being here I had never seen this man in my life. He tore his grey eyes away from my blue ones like he hated seeing the pain in them.
“Kileshia, I’m sorry for dragging you away in such short notice but know that I am doing this for my reasons.” He unfolded his arms and ran his right hand through his hair, scratching the back of his neck and playing with his hair. He didn’t sound American even though he lived in New York like I will be doing shortly. I then remembered Emma saying he was friends with Tim he must have lived in England first, but he didn’t sound English either his accent was strange, one that I’d never heard before. His last letters of each word twirled at the end making them flow more easily like a short melody. His accent wasn’t the only confusing thing about him he acted like he didn’t belong here like he was from a different world. He frowned when we cued up to get a coffee as he saw the woman behind the counter using the coffee machine and the cash register. He also sighed and tapped his foot a lot like everything was terribly slow. I guess New York was incredibly quick.
I wouldn’t ask him although it was bugging me; I was going to keep at a mute until Friday, in two days’ time to make sure he was serious about adopting me. I didn’t care about him adopting me once I realised Emma wanted me to go. I grew up with change as I was always past around like a present in the game of ‘pass the parcel’ at a kid’s birthday party, I had a different foster family each two to three months sometimes little as two weeks.
“Look Kileshia, it would be a lot easier if you spoke to me so I could get to know you and you could do the same to me, we are going to be living together.” He sighed after a while of me still not talking he looked desperate.
“I know this is scary for you…”
“It’s not.” I cut him off with a simple sentence in a harsh voice putting much venom into it as possible. I don’t know what came over me when I spoke I just had an urge to, like someone was making me speak it was weird.
I saw a flicker of hope in his expression as I spoke but it soon faded when he realized the harshness in my voice.
“I guess that you hate me at the minute,” He sighed. “But that could be worked on I suppose as we are going to be seeing each other every day.”
“It’s going to take more than a couple of days,” I spat out again. I tried to resist the urge to speak but it had a hold on me and the words came out automatically.
“I realize that, Kileshia please trust me that I’m not going to leave you in a foster home, I will be with you every step of the way through your life.” He said, his words seeming to have another meaning to them. He picked up the cream cup of coffee and took a sip; he scrunched his nose up in disgust.
“God, hum-people can’t make coffee here,” He faulted at his words like he was going to say something else and I titled my head to the side in confusion.
“What were you going to say?” I asked staring at him in the eyes. He fidgeted under my gaze.
“Nothing,” He spoke bravely. “Tomorrow you don’t have to go to school as you need to pack your clothes up I will be there to help you if you like so will Emma and her husband Tim.” He changed the conversation with ease.
“I need to say good bye to the boys,” I wisped looking at my wrists again.
“I have arranged for the boys to meet you in your flat tomorrow as we are leaving early morning Friday.”
“What time are they coming?” I asked.
“Just after school,” He answered.
“Ok, do they know?” I wisped.
“Know what?”
“That you’re adopting me?” I wisped again the word ‘adopting’ coming out as a struggle.
“No… I thought it would be best if you told them… but I can tell them or Emma can if you can’t.”
“No, I will.” I growled as nice as possible. I couldn’t imagine them telling the boys it had to be me.
“Emma tells me that you’re in a band with them?” He asked with a smile on his face, and I nodded in response not knowing what to say.
“What music do you play?”
“Anything as long as it’s not classical and has some emotion in it and it wasn’t just created for the money.” I answered truthfully we mainly played indie or alternative, I smiled at the thought of my band.
“What instrument do you play?”
“Drums, do you play anything?” I wanted to ask questions so he didn’t know much more about me.
“No, it works out you need talent for that sort of thing my parents always tried to get me to play the piano but apparently I’m no good at concentrating, within weeks my piano teacher gave up and left.” He smiled at the memory.
I tried to hold in my laughter but I couldn’t and within minutes he was laughing also.
“What are you parents like?” I asked in wonder, I felt a slight pain of jealousy that he grew up with his parents when I didn’t.
“They’re crazy.” He laughed thinking about them, “My Mother has a new hobby each week and my Father goes along with every think she says without hesitation,”
“Sounds like Emma and Tim.” I smiled.
“How long have you known them?” He asked.
“About a year,” I replied “What about you? Tim never mentioned you in conversation and Emma hasn’t heard of you either.”
“A couple of weeks, me and Tim met on business.”
“And you just became automatic friends?” Something about this felt wrong and I was going to find out what it was.
“Yes…is it really that hard to believe that I can’t make friends?” He wondered raising his bushy eyebrows in the process.
“Something about you seems wrong and I’m going to find out what it is.” I stated confidently.
“I wish you wouldn’t try.” He covered his mouth up like he cussed. He just proved that he was keeping something secret. I stared at him telling him that he just got caught, “I will tell you in time just not here and not now.” He mumbled while bowing his head in promise.
“Good,” I simply said and I was replied with a smile from him.
“Is everything going OK?” Asked Emma as she sat back down in the chair next to John, she was staring at me searching my eyes. Goodness! Why do people look for emotions in my eyes? It’s so annoying.
I nodded a ‘yes’ while John managed to answer in words. “It’s going great.”
Emma beamed at me and John. “That’s brilliant.” She shrieked getting all excited.
“Wow, I didn’t know you wanted to get rid of me that fast.” I thought out loud and regretted it as soon as the words left my mouth and reached to Emma’s nosy ears.
She looked hurt, worse than hurt. She looked agonized. I felt terribly bad as I saw her facial expression I knew how bad mental pain could be and I made her feel like it, I’m so stupid!
“I’m sorry I didn’t…” I was lost for words.
“I’m not trying to get rid of you Esh, honestly I’m not I just want you to be happy that’s all.” She sighed while leaning back in her chair. She was pleading with her eyes telling me not to make it any harder than it already is.
“I know and I’m sorry I honestly don’t know why I said it, I’m stupid.” I stated while gesturing with my hands naturally as I explained.
“No, you’re not stupid,” Emma chuckled but the pain was still evident in her voice, she was covering it up well though.
“Yes I am. I always say stuff I’m not meant to and you know how much trouble it gets me into.” I sighed, thinking back at school with the amount of detentions I had received over the years. I even had a criminal record for goodness sack.
“You’re honest Esh, and you always say things that are on your mind which is one of the best things about you, no one can take that away from you.” She reached over the small table reaching for my outstretched hand that was laid out onto the wood. Peeking over at John I saw how awkward he looked like he shouldn’t be watching our exchange.
“Since when did this conversation become so cliché and touchy?” I giggled as I watched the tears well up into Emma’s bright blue, popping eyes.
“I don’t know.” She sniffed back towards me as a reply. I laughed at her. “Oh yeah, I forget you had a heart of stone.” Emma sniffed once again as she rolled her eyes towards me laughing at her.
“I don’t have a ‘heart of stone’ or whatever you call it.” Putting air quotes around the heart bit. “I’m just used to leaving things behind and starting a new.” I smiled reassuringly at her.
“I’m hurting you…” She mumbled into her cup of empty coffee.
“No you’re not hurting me, leaving all of you guys isn’t going to hurt Friday as I leave, as hard and as mean that may sound it’s true, I’m so used to a new start it’s the norm for me… What sucks is that you are giving me away so happily and so easily.” I ran my right hand through my hair pushing it back as the pink colour shaded my face as I shuck my head from my outburst of feelings and truth.
“It’s not easy; I’m doing this for you…”
“My own good yes I know, as you keep saying.”
“Then why don’t you believe me?”
“It’s because I’m happy here, Emma. Seeing you and the boys’ everyday has given me some confidence back and it reassures me that there are good people out in the world. I also don’t have to worry.” I nearly slipped there. I was going to say ‘I don’t have to worry about being seen at night as I live on my own.’ Thank God I stopped myself I couldn’t tell her, she wouldn’t believe me for one.
“Worry about what Esh?” Esh was the nickname everyone called me as Kileshia was a bit of a handful. It started as Emma’s triplets couldn’t pronounce ‘Kileshia’ so I told them to call me ‘Esh’ instead. What I didn’t know at the time was that it would stick with me for the rest of the time I stayed here and probably beyond that as John was hearing it so many times today.
“You know… how am I going to start a new life on my own when John kicks me out?” I lied easily, it wasn’t a full lie as that thought was in my head but it wasn’t what I was going to say first time around. “I was lucky buying that flat when I was fourteen, I don’t know how I’m going to buy a flat at sixteen in the middle of New York.” I chuckled trying to turn everything into a joke so someone would jump out and say ‘got ya’ so we could all go back to normal. Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t living. No, dark thought! I scolded myself I couldn’t have those with Emma around.
“For the last time, I am not going to kick you out or send you off somewhere. I am going to stay in your life like a real parent should.” John hissed towards me acting all serious. When he said the thing about parent it stung deep down knowing I had never had that. Jealousy returned as I thought about him and his family.
“Do you know about my wacky, weird colours of hair styles that I change every week?” I was trying to put him off adopting me but he laughed.
“They are weird yes, but it’s you and I’m not going to change that.” God, was there no way of cracking him? How could I put him off?
“What about my nightmares I was kicked out my old house as I kept waking them up.” His eyes softened at this like her understood what they were about.
“Yes I do, Emma told me,”
“Well did she tell you about my criminal record?” I asked while raising my eyebrows. Ha, I got him I thought as he nearly spat out his coffee that he just sipped from the cream mug in front of him, I was surprised he was still drinking it; we had been here for a while.
“You have a criminal record?” He boomed with laughter. “No way, you’re lying.” He looked at Emma for back-up but she fidgeted in her seat proving my point was true.
“What did you do?” He mumbled but he was smirking? How could he find this funny? When I told people (mainly adults!) they would look outraged.
“Don’t encourage her, what you did was childish and should not be repeated.” Emma hissed towards me and John while pointing her finger towards me.
“If it wasn’t funny than why are you always smirking when I bring it up?” I asked seeing the dimples at the side of her lips.
“I never said it wasn’t funny but you are not to repeat it!” Emma hissed. “Now, why don’t we get out of here and have lunch at mine and Tim’s house, and Kileshia you need to get back to school.” She suggested cutting of the conversation all together.
“Okay,” John mumbled like a kid not getting his favourite sweets at a sweet shop, I noticed he mainly acted like a child than a man who was in his mid-thirties.
“The triplets are home though with Tim, he had to take the day off as I was working and the kids are ill. Even though I very much doubt all three of them are ill to be honest, if it wasn’t the last two weeks of school I would have made them go.” The look in Emma’s eyes each time she spoke about her family made anyone envy her; she was the only person I know with a fairy tale life.
I stood up while reaching down to grab my school bag that was thrown under the table from when all three of us sat down first. “Do I really have to go back?” I moaned I didn’t want to be in the spot light again.
“Yes you do… you may be leaving Friday but there is still much work to do and you missed a year of school remember, so it’s critical for you to learn all you can.” I know I missed a year I was still at school because of it, I was in year ten at the minute but I should have left high school and be onto college or six form in September like other kids my age.
“We don’t do anything in the last week anyway so I don’t know why I have to go.”
“Then why are you moaning…”
“Because people keep staring,” I snapped at her losing my temper like I always do so easily it’s so annoying.
“You get bullied?” John asked with sympathy.
“No… well I was sort of used to… but not today, I can’t deal with the attention.”
“So Miss Cool has had enough of her fans huh?” Emma giggled.
“Yes I have actually, you know how much I didn’t want to do the show last night and I only did it for the boys.”
“It’s one day remember, you can get through it.” Emma smirked towards me, again making me leave!
“What show?” John asked he was so confused at the minute.
“I’ll tell you later I told the head teacher we would get Esh back by fourth lesson.”
“We should go then.” He nodded.
“I am here you know?” I mounded, I hated when people spoke about me with myself in front of them.
With this they ignored me and we all walked out of the coffee shop and back into the black limo.

Class followed by detention

“Are you going to come by later and say good bye to the kids?” Emma asked as we pulled up to the school parking lot.
“I don’t know.” I mumbled while climbing out, but I stood leaning into the limo so I could still see Emma’s face as we spoke.
“Please come.” She begged while using puppy eyes she was the only one who could use them on me, I bet her children gained that characteristic from her which sucked for me.
“I would rather be at home on my own to be honest.” I told her not wanting to break her heart.
“But you know how much I hate imagining you alone at dinner time in that big flat.”
“It’s two rooms Emma, that’s hardly big. Plus I still have a meal in the fridge to eat. I wouldn’t want to waste food.”
“Please…”
“Emma, please stop using the puppy eyes.” I shook my head knowing I had to say yes to her.
“Just come, after that I will leave you alone.”
“Yeah because I won’t be here…”
“Exactly more reason to come.” She did have a point.
“Fine,” I huffed while standing back up and storming to the school’s office. I soon heard them pull away.
“Your late again Ms Parker, what is your excuse this time?” Huffed Mrs Robinson just as I slammed the door of her classroom shut.
“There was a sign outside of the school.” I stated how much I loved annoying my English teacher in fourth period. Well, in any period really.
“And what did this sign say?” She asked her voice thick with boredom. She was standing up front of the classroom with her back to the class as she wrote on the whiteboard. She was oblivious of the rowdy students behind her making silly facial expressions and throwing balls of paper around.
“Stop,”
“And what has this got to do with being late for my English lesson?” This time she turned around to face me and the whole class peered into our conversation.
“I was waiting for the sign to say go obviously.” I stated while stalking to the back of the class to my seat as my class mates burst into laughter at my teacher’s dismay.
I blanked out once she slammed a hard back book onto the front table making the two people sitting on it jump out of fright, she got the class to settle down by shouting at everyone. I sighed out of boredom, this behaviour from her was normal in my presence come to think of it every teacher in the school used that tone with me.
“That was good.” Wisped the boy I sat next to in English, I never learnt his name after a year of sitting next to him in the seating plan; there was no point now.
“Umm… thanks?” It turned out more of a question than an answer to his compliment.
He chuckled beside me and went back to doing his work.
Writing, copying, listening; was all we did in class. I wondered why as all of us are going to die at some point. ‘We come into this life alone and we leave on our own everything else is just an illusion’. Seven billion people live in this world and no one makes it, roughly one hundred people die every minute. If you live in a large city it is said that someone you bumped into that day will be dead by the end of the day. As I said before everything in between is just an illusion.
“Kileshia homework,” Mrs Robinson sighed as she stood hunched over my desk. I saw the pile of white pieces of crumpled up paper in her hands that the other students had given to her.
“I haven’t done it.” I mumbled to her while looking into her eyes.
“Why is that?” She grumbled, her shoulders beginning to square in anger.
“I didn’t find the point to be honest.” I shrugged while kicking my legs under the table more and leaning back into my chair. I still stared into her eyes. This wasn’t exactly true I tried to complete it last night but after Emma’s phone call I had been on edge all evening wondering why she had been so upset. Last night seemed forever away.
“Well you can find the point at lunch.” She snapped marching to another desk and ripped the homework off another student.
I really hated when she did that.
People rose out of the hard, black seats and charged to the door as the lunch bell rang above my head, the blaring sound giving my head a kick as my ears felt like they were going to explode like a volcano.
“Miss Parker, stay there.” Mrs Robinson smirked towards me.
I didn’t know why as I stayed in my seat unlike the rest of my class who were barging out the door, pushing and shoving to get food down their mouths and chatter out of them.
A group of five boys came slumping in as the door frame became vacant they all stared at me as they sat down in front of me (I was at the back of the class).
“You are late boys!” boomed the fiery, red teacher. As she stomped to the front of the class with a ruler and a whiteboard pen in her thin, claw like fingers.
They mumbled sorry while bowing their heads. Ha, what a bunch of p*ssies!
“You all know why you are here don’t you?” She asked the rhetorical question and everyone mumbled a yes. “You all…” she exaggerated staring at everyone in the room in turn. “Distracted my class without caring about everybody else’s education; and for that I am going to re-teach those lessons until finished in your time. I don’t care if you interrupt because the longer it takes for me to teach you-the work you have not completed- the longer time I will take off of you. ” Everyone let out a moan of annoyance but I just sat there staring at the patterns I engraved in the wooden desk with a pencil a couple of lessons ago. “Does everyone understand?” She shouted with annoyance from the many sounds around the room from the five boys.
“Yes, can we get on with it?” One boy moaned.
“It’s nice to see that you are eager to learn Mr Pots, but cries like that will just take up more of your time.” Mrs Robinson snapped toward the young ginger boy, I rolled at my eyes at her.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.01.2012

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This book is dedicated to my dear friend Heather (Fish) as your love of fantasy books drove me to read them and inspire me to create this. Also to my Mum who brought my first book and made me read even when I didn't want to and though books were 'uncool'.