CHAPTER 1

Introduction – OMG! Is this our life? How did we get here?

We’re just two hard working, middle-class American women. Our lives were going along pretty much according to our design for quite a long time. Blissful, not as often as we wanted, but we never in a zillion years did we ever, ever, EVER think we’d end up here.

First, we fell in love. It started off as fun, romantic, and exciting. It was perfect in fact! We said “till death do we part” and we meant it. What happened during our many years of dating and marriage?

Why did it end with the darkest, most painful, gut wrenching time of our lives? We could have never imagined this happening to us. We were going through the Big D and we don't mean Dallas! Divorce. Oh no! Not Divorce!
From the outside, we led dream lives. We planned for happily ever after; but sometimes things don’t work out as we plan. So we chose to leave the dream house, and our secretly miserable marriages, and found ourselves wading through a nightmare of hideous criminal trials, custody battles and costly divorces.
How did we get here? What is wrong with our society today where over 44% of married women have considered leaving their husbands and the current divorce rate in the US for first marriages is over 40%? Some say the high divorce rate is due to stress from our collapsing economy. Some say it is our cultural "Me first!" mentality and our fixation on personal entitlement. Some say it's our disposable attitude – "My flat screen TV won’t turn on so I'll just buy a new one. This dog is not cooperating so I’ll drop him at the pound and get a cat instead. My spouse doesn't live up to my every expectation. Cut him out. Just gimme a divorce and I'll move on to the next one." Maybe we're all coming down from the "Donna Reed" generation when our mothers and grandmothers waited for their dear husbands to come home and greeted them with a hot meal, a peck on the cheek and sat patiently by their feet while they watched the evening news. Is that how good wives are supposed to act? Wow! As “modern” empowered women our jaws drop when we watch "Mad Men" on AMC and realize just how different our roles of man and wife have changed in just 50 years. Our mothers told us to put up and shut up. "You're lucky you have a man. It was harder in my day,” but our intuition tells us to stand up for ourselves and not accept (and reward) our husbands' bad behavior.
It's a difficult age – we are receiving so much information. Our culture is definitely shifting and we, both women and men, are all a bit confused as to where we go from here. Turn on any television talk show and the topic, 3 out of 5 days a week, is about relationships – how to build great ones, how to repair the broken ones, and how to forget and recover from the destructive ones. Look at the magazine covers in the checkout line. Watch the news. The media is full of celebrity marriages that are unraveling. Scandalous marriages are not just in Hollywood anymore. We are all the same. We are just trying to figure out how to make our marriages work – day to day, year to year. We were good daughters, straight-A students, good mothers, good friends, good wives...but our "good life" wasn't playing out with the storybook ending anymore so we had to make a change. But, here we are now. We’re alive –for a while that was iffy! We’re healthy. We survived and learned a lot!
While we were deciding whether to go forward with a separation or divorce, we were searching for other women who shared our fear of loss, our anger about being abused or in a broken marriage and uncertainty about how it would play out. We felt so alone, embarrassed and ashamed. We felt positively miserable. We felt as if everything we held true was going to rust. We felt like an oddity – maybe something was wrong with us – no one else had it this bad, did they? We wanted someone to talk to. We needed to find someone who could commiserate and tell us what was working for them and what was not. We felt like we had to re-invent the wheel every day. We had to educate ourselves, talk to the police, talk to lawyers, stay on top of everything, and keep it all organized. We just wanted to have some friends who could say, “Oh girlfriend, we know your heart is breaking, we know your love and life just went POOF in a cloud of bitterness, but we are here for you and we came out alive and so will you."
That didn't happen for us. We spent our days alone, nights alone – sure maybe we spent time with friends and family but no one understood. And frankly, they were sick about hearing the drama and if we kept drawing them in for help, they would suddenly be busy, couldn’t get together and then they were out of our life, too.
That is why we had to write this book. Not want to, but had to. This book took on a life of its own. We could not stop until our words were down on paper. We had quite a few excuses – especially when we had to write about things that made us uncomfortable, things that gave us a stomachache or a headache when we churned up our memories. So this book is for you. For our girlfriends who are reading this book while they are sitting in their minivan at the grocery store parking lot dreading to go home. For girlfriends waiting to pick up kids from school or from a sports practice and pondering, "How do I get out of this train wreck of a marriage?" For you, the girlfriends who are awake at 3 a.m. reading this book wondering what dramas this new day will surely bring. We wrote this to save you a little heartache; to make you laugh when you are in the midst of sobbing, to save you time and money as you navigate the system and to let you know you are not alone!
We needed, no craved, to hear other women’s stories to prove we were not alone, not crazy, not imagining things and that there will, at some point, be a time of peace and calm and that this will be behind us. We could not imagine any of that – our heads were so crammed full of “what do we do”, “how do we do it”, “where do we start”, “whom do we tell”…woulda, coulda, shoulda type stuff! And the “maybe he will change this time” thought was always the soundtrack playing in the background of our minds. Incidentally, nope, he did not change and the police told us that they usually don’t…ever!
Our book sprang to life in May 2009 when we realized that we had five to eight close friends EACH who were unhappy in their marriages and struggling to figure out a way to make it work or end it. Five to eight close girlfriends EACH who were considering divorce! Those numbers shocked us! What is wrong with our society when that many close friends are second-guessing their marriages? In researching the content for Kerplunk – It’s Over, we interviewed and surveyed hundreds of women, age 24-76. The criterion for our control group was simple: 1) the woman must have been the partner to initiate the divorce. We wanted factual accounts from women who realized their lives were miserable and sought to rectify the situation. 2) We did not want to glean information from anonymous sources. All survey/research participants must be our direct contacts, either women we know personally or those directly referred to us by friends, family, co-workers. For example, Heather has a friend Betsy (happily married) who has a friend Molly (who initiated her divorce). Molly was asked to take our survey and asked if she could also refer similar friends or family members to us.
We have collected countless stories from our girlfriends and girlfriends of girlfriends to share with you so that you know that you are not alone. Someone once wrote, if you can find one other person who shares your most odd idea or view, you will know you aren’t crazy! We are not doctors, not therapists, not social workers, but we’ve been in your shoes standing exactly where you are right now. This isn’t just happening to you. Many other women have experienced the same thoughts, heard the same threats and have dealt with all the emotions you are feeling right now.
You are not alone.
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are not crazy.
You are not imagining things.
You are not being too sensitive.
You do not need to hide.
You will, however, need to stand up, speak up and be proud that you can! (Gulp!) We had to stand up for ourselves, speak up for ourselves and sometimes yell! We became Personally Empowered Barbies with fun accessories like attitude and self-respect! That was something we had never done before because we were those good daughters, good wives, good mothers who did as we were expected. We are grateful that we finally learned how to get past the false expectations we were imposing on ourselves and take charge of our destinies.
We would have given anything to have been gifted the powerful information in this book during our struggles with divorce. It is our hope that we are able to provide you with a feeling of friendship, provide you with some tangible guidance and help you find a starting point to make a plan. We hope that by sharing the information in this book, you might be able to salvage your marriage and find that happily ever after you are searching for right now. We want and need you to trust your gut and intuition – it is mandatory for you to do that. Listen to yourself and then start moving one step at a time. Sometimes you will find that you may need to take very big steps and sometimes you may need to take really tiny steps – just keep moving forward. Don’t give up!


Chapter 1 Checklist

We are both list making kind of women! We take great pleasure in crossing accomplishments off our daily lists. Chances are you are in need of some goals and a sense of accomplishment too, so at the end of each chapter you’ll find a tidy little checklist to keep you on track. We are sure you will learn some new things in each chapter or at least reinforcement on ideas you already had. Research has proven that our brains like repetition – it helps us to remember and internalize new ideas! So let’s get on it! Help yourself to imbed these new ideas by checking off each item!

___ Realize that you are not alone!
___ Acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with you!
___ Accept that something is wrong or askew in your life and you suspect the root cause is your husband and marriage –otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this book.
____ Set your intention to explore the good, the bad and the ugly from this day forward.
___ Check this box to signify that you are ready to stand up and speak up for yourself!

CHAPTER 2
The Beginning of the End – It’s all down and uphill from here, Sweetie!
What happened? You found your Prince Charming, right? This was the guy you wanted to wake up with every morning for the rest of your life; to have kids with and build a future together. Now all you feel is sad and miserable. Is it you? Is it him? Maybe this is just the way marriages evolve once the honeymoon is over. But you still feel awful. Your insides rumble with uneasiness and the sour taste in your mouth never subsides. Maybe you were married too young – right out of college – and you have grown apart. They say that men marry the woman that they fall in love with and they want her to stay just the same forever. Inversely women marry the man they can see him becoming. They marry his potential. So from the beginning, men and women are growing in opposite directions. He: hoping she will stay exactly as she is, and she: wishing he would develop to the full potential she desires for him. Kinda yucky, huh?
Maybe you were blinded by love and leaped into matrimony way too quickly. Once the excitement of the big white dress and the tropical honeymoon wore off, you came to your senses and "Whoa!" what do you do now? Maybe your beliefs changed. Maybe you didn't have so much in common after all. Maybe those factors added up to arguing, infidelity, insulating the marriage with children (only adding fuel to the fire), or loss of any interest in giving a crap.
Girls, we know you make excuses for your man. “He’s been traveling a lot.” “He can’t help it; he is just like his father.” "His own parents were hard on him" "He had it hard growing up." "His manager is making his life stressful." "He is ...fill in the blank." “We went to therapy a few times but it just made him so uncomfortable to try to express his feelings to a stranger." So you, playing the good wife role, just keep on keeping on. You give it one more try “for the family, for the kids, because it’s almost Christmas.” Eventually you will just get too tired to put forth any effort to solving your marital problems. You will withdraw. You will stop expressing your needs. He doesn’t really care anyway, right? You will throw up your hands and convince yourself that this is just the way marriage is. You’ll think, “The fire goes out after so long anyway, right? We get older and set in our ways and simply cohabitate. Everyone is like this, right?” Wife-Swap, a popular reality TV show, now shows that the average American marriage is just a bit crazy, right? They stick together. You should too. Are you looking forward to a long life of wedded bliss with Mr. Fun? Hmm? We know how you feel. You are at the point where you can give in and just stay the path or you can wake up and see that your marriage is headed for separation or divorce.
For whatever reason you find that you still feel awful. You’re married. You made this choice so you think that you aren’t supposed to feel gross unhappiness, jealousy, loneliness, abuse, neglect, controlled and completely exhausted. But yet you do and you are searching for a way to rectify the marriage or maybe it’s too late to save the harvest and it’s time for you to just to get out.
How are you supposed to know when enough is enough? How are you supposed to be able to decide if there is enough love and respect left to keep your union together? Most of our girlfriends went through a lot before they drew “The Final Straw,” which we will uncover in the next chapter. In some cases "the beginning of the end" built up for years and in other instances, they knew they had made a mistake just a few days after the wedding. So we've broken it down into three groups:
1) Girlfriends who realized a day or two after the wedding that it wouldn't work,
2) Girlfriends who realized the marriage was defunct after a few months,
3) And girlfriends who stuck it out for years, sometimes decades, before concluding their marriage was a failure.
Our girlfriends shared some pretty incredible stories with us. Truth really is stranger than fiction. We can't make this stuff up!
Amazing as it sounds, some of our girlfriends knew a day or two after their wedding that the marriage would not last. Here are their words:
"A couple of days after we were married, I found him sex-ting to an old “friend.” Well, she wasn’t an old friend. She was more of a side dish, a playmate. He kept her and a few other girls a secret for months. I was devastated." – Emily, 23
"The police officer said, “Yeah, we’ve seen this before. Guys like your husband drop their guard after they get married and think that they can get away with just about anything once they get you ringed on your left hand. Nope, this is nothing new. You wouldn’t have found out before. Some guys are just too good at being who they want you to see." This girlfriend dated him for 4 years before they were married and he hid a secret life the whole time (fraud, theft, embezzlement and mucho infidelity). – Lauren, 41
"I think I knew even before I got married that it wouldn’t work. I got married as a last ditch attempt to save the relationship I had put so many years into it. Not a great reason, of course. I know that now, but at the time it seemed to make sense. Honestly I wasn’t finished trying – it took being married for a few years to know that I’d tried everything to make it work with him. In the end I was the only one bending, changing, and trying to save a relationship that simply wouldn't work." – Claire, 50
"Looking back, I always worried that it was not going to work out. So from day 1, I suppose that I knew it. I always had a feeling he was cheating and it turned out he was." – Lilly, 36

"I caught him lying and cheating one week after our wedding–sex-ting
another woman! Who the hell did he think he was?! Tiger Woods?
Jesse James? My fairytale love suddenly turned into a Hollywood horror!"
– Allison, 28

"Now I wonder if others could see the mistake I was about to make by marrying him and I was so into the pomp and circumstance of the nuptials that I couldn't see it. My father, my maid-of-honor and my sister all offered me an out, without judgment on my wedding day. I should have listened." – Kara, 42

And on a positive note…
“I knew I had made a mistake just a few days after my wedding. I got caught up in the romance and foolishly married too young and too quickly. I did genuinely like my husband. He was not a bad guy, but he was not my soul mate. We held it together for 27 years. Once I had gotten all 4 kids off to college, I went back to college and found a job and life for myself outside the house. By that time, my husband and I were roommates, nothing more. I chose to get a divorce when I was 46 years old. It was the best, most liberating choice I have ever made. My kids understood. My husband agreed. We all have enjoyed a great relationship for the last 30 years and I don’t regret one minute of my life and the choices I have made.” – Isabella, 76

Some of our girlfriends knew after one to several months that the marriage would not survive. Here is what they shared:
"After a short time he revealed his other side – the side that was narcissistic, egotistical and didn’t play well with others where his career was concerned. We moved three times in 6 years and my husband wanted me to move again before I filed for divorce. Our oldest son went to 3 high schools due to our many moves. It got to the point where I couldn’t even stand to be around him anymore. He didn’t see it as a marriage or any form of partnership. He just gave my son and I orders that we were expected to follow.” – Molly, 61
"Several months after the wedding, I was painting a room in our house when I just sat on the floor and thought, “What have I done?” I knew I’d made a mistake but pushed the feeling down and determined to try to make the marriage work. I completely ignored all feelings of hopelessness. I lost respect for him and therefore trashed any physical attraction I had towards him. I liked him less and less as I got to know him better from living with him. I felt he was not ready for marriage, and I learned that he had significant family issues that hindered his ability to be in a healthy relationship." – Megan, 35

"As the months went by, he became increasingly secretive. I could not tell what was going on and each time I would ask he became angrier. I didn't know what to do and was afraid to confide in friends. It was a new marriage and I was supposed to be blissfully happy! I noticed he was spending way too much time on the computer. When I questioned this he just said he was playing around. My gut said otherwise. So I spent a $100 and bought computer-monitoring software. It monitored his keystrokes and grabbed every single screen shot. I got his accounts, emails and passwords. I felt like I was betraying him by spying on him, but the information I found opened my eyes to the fact that I was married to a complete stranger. He committed such horrific acts. Multiple counts of infidelity, Internet dating with profiles each with different zip codes, meeting women in other towns, sending other women, gifts, porn, lying, Internet fraud...the list goes on. He is in jail now." – Zoe, 38

The rest of our girlfriends knew their marriages would not work after one or more years.
"After 4 years, I had no idea who this man was. Who did I marry? His behavior was so foreign to me – turned out he and his co-workers would do drugs at the office. His co-worker got arrested and put in jail (turned out he was a repeat offender) and it seemed that my husband was going down that same path. All of a sudden other addictions began to surface (alcohol, porn). He kept daring me to divorce him – he knew I did not believe in divorce." – Grace, 33
"I was standing in the garage and my husband was inside the house. I answered my cell phone and it was a detective who told me that the IP address to the house (in my name) was the source of credit card fraud. I found stolen goods hidden in the basement, garage and the trunks of his cars. When I asked him about stolen goods, he became very angry and then violent. He started to drink a lot and that made him more violent. I realized that I had no idea who my husband was. I was so sad and hurt." – Leah, 32
“We had been married several years. I knew he was not the most nurturing, but I had chalked it up to just being a guy. One day we had planned to complete a big landscaping project for an upcoming party. I suddenly came down with food poisoning and was completely incapacitated with nausea, vertigo, vomiting, and diarrhea. I had to crawl from the bed to the toilet. He was so angry with me for getting sick. He would stomp into the bedroom or the bathroom, where I was collapsed by the toilet and grunt "UGH! Come on? We have to get this project done today. Get over it, already. You can't be that sick. You just don't want to help me." During the 10 hours of throwing up and crying from feeling like total death he never once showed any sympathy or care for me. He was pissed that I was not complying with his agenda." – Margaret, 43
"Within the 1st year he became increasingly abusive and started begging me to get into a swingers lifestyle I did not want to be part of. Of course I was madly in love with this man so I tried to make it work –and tried, and tried. You want to believe them that the abuse won’t happen again, but it always does. It takes so long to find the strength within yourself to break the cycle and get out."
– Cheryl, 36

On average it takes 7 attempts before a victim successfully leaves her abuser. -National Coalition for Domestic Violence

"After the first year, he shut me out physically and emotionally. I found out that he had a secret life (gambling, cheating, cocaine and marijuana use) that he did not want me to confront him about or help him escape from." – Chloe, 26
"My husband was the one pushing for the divorce. He had Parkinson’s disease and became totally disabled within a couple of years after being diagnosed at the age of 40. He had brain surgery in order to help with the tremors. The surgery caused him to become bipolar. He decided he didn’t want to be married to me anymore; ignoring the advice not to make life-changing decisions from his doctors, clergy, friends and family. In the long run, though, it was the best move for both of us. We’re friends now and, I believe, better parents for our son…God does work in mysterious ways." – Vicky, 50
"I did not want to end the marriage. His reasons to call it quits: he was unhappy, that I was a bitch, and he didn't love me anymore. He was doing drugs daily, dating on the Internet, looking at LOADS of porn, and said he'd rather smoke POT than be married to me." – Paula, 39
"I simply didn’t love him anymore. He was an alcoholic and had become controlling and verbally abusive." – Christie, 25
"The first few years of our marriage I was finishing undergraduate work, going to law school, and then working for a very large international law firm that allowed me to travel in style on a regular basis – which masked a lot of things back on the home front. However, when I changed firms and was pretty much home all the time, and especially when our son was born, it became very evident that I would never have the partner that a spouse /co-parent should be. My husband quickly came to the conclusion that he was waaaaaaay too cool and important to ever deal with the mundane details of home life and parenthood. He completely unraveled. While he had always had a pretty big streak of irresponsibility in him, he became really outrageous. I strongly suspected that he wanted out but didn’t have the guts to walk – like everything else, he was going to make me do the heavy lifting even on this!" – Penny, 52
"It was after 2 years. I was very lonely, drained and realized that I did not have a relationship with my husband. He kept pushing me down. My cup was empty and I had nothing else to give. It wasn’t a matter of whether we’d divorce; it was a matter of when." – Debbie, 55
"I felt smothered and controlled. I didn’t realize it FULLY until after we were separated, but normal couples did not communicate throughout the day as often as Ex demanded that I communicate/be tethered to him. He called me ALL THE TIME to vent, to check in, to plan, to check up on me. I thought it was just the way married people were. I didn’t know any different. We had been together since I was 18! I also took his verbal and physical abuse because I didn’t know any better." – Sharon, 40
"The marriage was not working and there was abuse. Decades ago, there were no Domestic Violence Centers so I had to come up with a plan. It turned out I needed a 2-year plan; I needed to provide for my children. I had to educate myself, come up with a marketable skill, find a job, get hired, open a bank account, put a roof over our head and put food on the table. After 2 years, I did it! I did it for my kids and they now all have long term happy marriages!" – Liz, 60


Domestic Violence is abuse between a former or current intimate partner.
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

"In retrospect, the marriage was beginning to “go south” within the first five years. We started seeing a counselor because we were just drifting so far apart." – Ashley, 46
And on a positive note…
"I knew in my heart the day I got married that it would not last. I was surprised that it lasted as long as it did. We didn’t fight. We were friends, but once we realized that we simply were not in love, we were both relieved to know that the other was ready to amicably end our marriage. We’re still friends. We still enjoy going boating, to dinner, to concerts with our new spouses. Some people think we are weird. I think it is wonderful! – Suzanne, 41

"Right after I had my son things changed. My husband was never home. He didn't want me and definitely didn't to be part of our child's life." – Brooke, 24

And on a positive note…
“As the years went by we both knew we were not right for each other. One day we held hands and looked into each other’s eyes and asked one another “Are you getting what you need?” and we were not. We knew the other person could not provide what we were looking for so we calmly and amicably divorced. It did not feel like a divorce. We still spend time together and both of us have since remarried. As a matter of fact my ex-husband and his wife are coming to town and spending the weekend with my husband and me and we are all looking forward to it.” – Laura, 57
“I was sick of not being able to hear my own thoughts. I was sick of the voice in my head, guiding my choices and dreams being HIS voice. There was no me in our life. As long as he got what he wanted, and as long as we kept up the perceived perfect life then my life was allowed to be somewhat smooth. When I bucked his mental control, the physical abuse began." – Jackie, 37


A Common Tale: You or Someone Like You

"I was pretending to be happy. I pretended that we were the happy family, perfect house and perfect kids. It looked great from the outside. Behind closed doors my husband would say, “You are not skinny enough (I was 5'6"/128 pounds). You are going to be fat like your mother. Be a better housewife. (I did most of the yard work, housework, filled our social calendar). You need to WANT to enjoy cooking more. Be more of an athlete (I worked out every day and ran an 11 minute mile). You are not sexy enough. You don’t like sex enough. You don’t give me enough sex. (I would engage and be more risqué in bed.) You like sex too much, why are you so sexed up all of a sudden? (I would dial back the sex kitten act for him.) I like the attention you get from other men; it makes me proud you are mine. (He would ask me to stand at the bar and let men try to pick me up; then he would swoop in and assert his possession of me.) You get too much attention from other men; you are going to cheat on me if you aren’t already! You don’t give me enough attention. (I can’t win for losing, can I?) You are stupid to have faith/believe in God. You ruined our life and chance at wealth when you chose that other career when you had the opportunity. You need to be a more powerful business woman. You need to aspire to be more in your career. You spend too much time on your job. You need to make more friends for us. You need to plan more parties for us; what are we doing this weekend? Why haven’t you called anyone to come hang out with us? AURGH! I was tired of being told who I was supposed to be and I finally saw that he was never going to stop playing cat and mouse, so this mouse, through much heartache, soul searching and a lot of faith in God, became a lion and clawed her way to freedom."
– Kate, 38
Domestic Violence is not only about violence,
it is primarily about power and control.
- Chief John Guard, IV, Chief of Community Operations,
Pitt County, NC Sheriff’s Office


"It was a total surprise to me that he was not happy and he was not showing it. I was very happy. He said he did not love me and didn’t want to be married to me anymore. While I was at work, he rented a U-Haul and took almost everything. He left me with an almost empty house, 2 kids, no money because it turned out that he spent all of our money, I didn’t know it but the house was in foreclosure, all of the bills were past due and utilities were turned off. He ruined my credit and he called my boss, slandered me and I was fired." – Jessica, 30

Fighting An Uphill Battle
Most of our girlfriends did not give up the fight easily and tried to save their marriage every which way possible. They really tried to make it work. For whatever reasons, they deemed most important: for the kids, for their parents, for their husbands, or for the silliest reason of all – they just didn't want to have a failed marriage on their personal record! Some took physical abuse just hoping that this time he'd change so they would not have to say they were divorced. Women are natural problem solvers. Women normally try to re-engage their husbands, and are apt to continue to give it chance after chance in hopes it will get better and things will be all love-in-bloom once more.
Are you tired of trying? So tired you can't muster the energy to even engage and care anymore? Are you caught in the vicious cycle trying to get your needs met while hubby ignores the fact that your marriage has been on ice for so long the sheets have freezer burn? Are you tired of being dismissed by your beloved with statements like:
“Are you on the rag? Woman, what are you bitching about now?”
“You are over-reacting again.”
“Why are you being so sensitive?”


“You used to be fun; how come you aren't fun anymore?"
When you can take an honest look at your marriage and decide that you can do no more to mend it, this might be the beginning of the end. It wasn't an easy realization but finally, after years of trying, our girlfriends knew when their days were numbered.

And on a positive note…
“We didn’t have a breaking point or devastating event. Rather, our relationship dissolved over time. Through marriage counseling, we both arrived at the conclusion we were too young to live like roommates in a marriage.” – Mary, 36

“I felt a sense of relief when he would leave the house to go out for a run. Every time I heard an ambulance, I secretly hoped it was for him and that someone hit him and he was dead.” – Pam, 29

“I could never do anything right, including making a grocery list the way he thought it should be written! I was never allowed to have money. I had to ask him for cash to pay for gas. The worse abuse was in the bedroom. He would look at pictures of other “sexy” women during sex and force me to watch porn with him so he could have a desire to have sex with me. Then there was the porn I didn’t see but later found the bills for all the 1-900 sex numbers. Neighbors began telling me they had seen Ex out with other women. Strange women would call and tell me they had been “dating” him. After 14 years, there was basically nothing left of my self-esteem.” – Faith, 37
And on a positive note…
“We loved each other so much but it wasn’t romantic. We were more like roommates but it was easy and comfortable for both of us. We didn’t even have fights – looking back it just felt normal. We separated for a while and missed each other but realized life was too short and we both wanted something more.”– Meredith, 33

“Every couple has their problems and we had our share over the years, but as he climbed higher on the corporate ladder, he became more controlling and treated me more as one of his “employees” or as a child than as his partner in marriage. I would say I wasn’t really happy for at least the last 5 years of our marriage, so we were married 19 years when I started to consider leaving. Receiving my real estate license, and finding a career for myself after my kids finished high school gave me a sense of confidence and I’m sure that played a part in realizing that I had options besides staying in an unhappy marriage.”
– Hannah, 57
“I realized that I would never be perfect enough for him. I would never be the reflection of what he thought someone worthy of him should be. I was tired of getting weighed on the bathroom scale every morning." – Julie, 35

“I was tired of being the bread winner. He had not contributed to our income on any real level in 3 years. I was carrying all the financial hardship, raising the kids, keeping us afloat so he could drift from one dead end job to the next.”
– Kelly, 50
And on a positive note…
“Our failed marriage was my fault. I take responsibility for it completely.
I pushed him away. I didn’t love him anymore. I worked like crazy. I took contract jobs that sent me overseas for months at a time. For a long time I lacked the courage to just end it. Then I realized that he deserved to be
in a loving relationship, we both did, and if I didn’t leave I was doing us both
a huge disservice.” – Alexia, 43

Have you heard any of those comments before? Have you secretly thought any of that? You probably know a lot of our girlfriends! They look just like you and me. They have become very skilled at pretending everything is just fine, while some of them are living in quiet agony. All of our girlfriends have emerged on the other side and are now emblazoned and empowered! Bottom line, ladies...you will know when you've reached the end. There will come a point in time when you know you can't deal with your current life any longer. It's different for everyone and we want you to know this: there is no shame in determining what is to be your final straw. Both you and your husband deserve to be in loving, emotionally stable and supportive relationships. You may have to be the one who takes the first step towards happiness for you both.


"You can't be pitiful and powerful at the same time."
– Susan Hite, The Susan Hite Radio Show


Chapter 2 Checklist: The Beginning of the End

___ Put a big “X” on this box to acknowledge that you heard some of the same comments from your intimate partner that you read in this chapter. It is not about you!
___ By this point you’ve already had glimpses that your marriage might not survive. List some of the things you’ve observed that are dysfunctional: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___ Check this box because you are not giving up! You just read our girlfriends’ stories sharing how they did not give up either. Girl Power!
____ Noodle on this: In evaluating your marriage, make a list of what you think are characteristics of a good marriage. Can you find those traits in your relationship? What’s missing? How could you fix it?


CHAPTER 3
The Final Straw – Knowing when to say when
How will you know when it's the end? How will you know when you can't make it work anymore? How will you know when the light has finally gone out in your heart or his heart; that you have no more love left for him or perhaps just no more energy to try to make him love you or to be what he wants you to be? We don't know when you will reach your limit; what the final thing, incident, or trigger will be? We don’t even know when that will happen. Our girlfriend’s didn’t know until the moment it happened. We only know that you WILL without a doubt have nothing left to give to the marriage. That is when it's the final straw.
Listen up. Contrary to popular belief you cannot make someone else happy. You are only truly able to make yourself happy. If your spouse is depressed, unhappy with his life, or suffering from an addiction, you cannot fix him or make him happy. You can help, but he will have to do the hard work to find his own happiness. So often, women will stay in an unhappy lifestyle in anticipation of making everyone else's life easier or fixing someone. Oh? You are living that scenario right now? Well, how's it working out for you? Now is the time for you to take responsibility for your own personal happiness – whatever that means to you. Only when you are emotionally sound and yes, happy, can you truly offer your best to any of your other relationships.
Take a deep breath, a long walk, a sip of wine and get ready. Take a good hard look at your marriage and listen to what our surveyed girlfriends noted were the top 5 reasons they decided it was time call it quits.
The Top 5 Reasons Our Girlfriends Chose to Throw in Towel:
1) “We married too young.” “We grew apart.” “Our interests changed.” “It was a mistake from the beginning.”
2) Emotional Abuse, Substance Abuse
3) Physical Abuse
4) Financial Abuse
5) Infidelity

Did any of those points resonate with you? We thought so. You are not alone. Have we told you that before? Now, let’s break that list down and hear what our girlfriends’ similar stories of divorce decisions – should I stay or should I go?

1) We married too young, we grew apart, interests changed, it was a mistake from the beginning
You read in the last chapter that some of our girlfriends got bitten by the love bug, raced to the altar only to come down with a honking case of regret. Some married right out of college. Many felt like it was "the next step" and felt pressure from their parents to grow up and get started on a family. One girlfriend notes, “I loved our life. I loved our stuff. I loved the fantasy of the storybook life that others thought we lived. I just did not love my husband anymore.” Are you living in dysfunction junction? Whether it is gross unhappiness, loss of respect, loss of trust due to infidelity, or simply loss of affection for any number of reasons, you will know when you finally reach the end of your rope. You know your marriage has gone on way past the expiration date and you may have developed feelings of disregard or animosity toward your husband. Some of our girlfriends said that they’d prefer to eat glass rather than to be around him. Love can withstand a lot, but hate grabs onto your soul and squeezes the pudding out of it!

“We married too young. I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted in life, only that he thought I hung the moon and wanted to take care of me. I had fallen out of love with him over the years. We were roommates, not in a loving relationship that I desired. He was a decent husband. I would have preferred he be a better dad, but I made concessions for that over the years. As time got closer for my kids to go away to college, I began to dread being alone with him. I could not imagine spending all my time alone with him without the kids as buffers. I could not imagine having lackluster sex with him for the rest of my life; having mundane conversations with someone whom I had mentally outgrown. I had huge doubts and felt entirely selfish for wanting to leave him, but ultimately I knew that I could not make someone else happy if I was depressed and completely unhappy myself. He deserved to be adored for who he was and I could not grant him that any longer.” – Shelley, 42

“I had never been really turned on by him. We were friends and dated in college. The next eventual step was marriage; after all, everyone else was getting married too.” – Alexandra, 28

“I realized there was nothing left of me. I had allowed him to mold me and make me into someone I no longer recognized. I felt unloved, unwanted, unattractive and completely controlled. I wanted freedom and to find my old self again if that was possible.” – Sarah, 44

“There was abuse and I still don’t know how to describe it. One night, he held a gun to me and our two sons. Then he did it two more times. The police told me to have him committed but I didn’t because somehow I thought it would help the boys to have a dad around. I know it does not make any sense but I guess I was so far down the dirt road of abuse that I didn’t even see it.” – Connie, 57

“We had been married for 20 years after dating for 2 years in college. I just didn’t like who he had grown up to be. We managed our life, our kids, our marriage, and basically insulated it all with buying stuff, taking trips, finding hobbies outside of each other. I had fallen out of love with him. I loathed sitting still to watch TV with him. I couldn’t stand hearing his booming voice from across the room at parties telling the same old, boastful tales. I busied myself with housework, kids, and my career to not have to be near him. Finally I realized I loved the life we had built together, our things, our history, the story of us, but I did not want to spend another month of my life with him. Preserving the façade of our perfect life was not worth my soul aching from unhappiness.” – Wendy, 63
“When he told our priest that he would rather smoke pot than continue to live in our marriage and family – there was only one thing I could do.” – Ginger, 35

“I was so tired of living in a sexless marriage. We had not had sex in over 2 years. The first year, I was pregnant with our first child. The next year, he just didn’t want to touch me. What man does not want to have sex? I couldn’t get him to admit that he was getting sex from somewhere else. We went to therapy and he would just clam up. I had huge issues with lack of self-esteem and poor body image. I guess he just didn’t want me. I knew I could not live like brother and sister for the rest of my life. I asked for a divorce and he said fine.” – Robin, 30

"I knew that when it got to the point where there was nothing he could say or do, no amount of begging or promises of change that would make a difference in our relationship, it was over." – Cindy, 35

“The day I woke up and realized that I seriously wanted to hurt my Ex. Really hurt him. Maim him. I imagined how many times it would take stabbing him with the butcher knife to wipe off that “eat *@&!” grin he always had on his face as he would yet again tell me how overworked and under loved he was and how rigid and unrealistic I was to expect him to be one of those mundane “little people” that actually are involved with their wives and children. Then I looked at my child and realized that I had to go so I wouldn’t either have a nervous breakdown or honestly kill my Ex, which would leave my son without even one stable parent!” – Lisa, 48

2) Emotional Abuse/ Substance Abuse
Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment? Resentment comes from being hurt by your husband emotionally. Damn it! Wasn’t he supposed to be your soul mate? Your best friend? But he has hurt you over and over and you can’t forgive and forget now. The kiss of death to a marriage comes when you harbor those hurt feelings and yet do nothing about them. When you don't voice your feelings in a proper manner or stand up for yourself, the hurt turns to resentment. Resentment festers and boils and becomes an oozing, vapid open sore of bitterness and hostility. If you can’t work through these feelings, if you can’t get past the pain, then, it is more than likely the end of your marriage.

“My husband would not go to counseling through our church because he said he could not spend that much time with me, he could not take me to dinner because he didn’t know what to talk about, and for my 45th birthday he took a trip by himself to St. Martin to rest and recover.” – Carolyn, 56

“He took me to a mental hospital for an evaluation. The evaluator/therapist asked many questions and concluded that I was neither insane nor suicidal. I was being abused emotionally and sexually. He suggested I get out of my abusive situation. He offered me info on several safe houses and women’s groups. I felt like my eyes were finally opened. From that moment on, I could see the abuse I had been enduring for so many years.” – Faith, 37
"When I found out that his business trip to Italy was not a business trip and that his co-worker was a "she" and she did not work with him." – Zoe, 38

"My husband was an abusive alcoholic who cheated with other woman and other couples. I put up with it for 10 years. I think that validates my ending the marriage." – Sandra, 42

"Months after our expensive fairy tale wedding, I had flash backs and memories of being raped by my uncle. My new husband couldn't handle it and decided to end the marriage. I was stunned because I learned from my parents that you work through it. You work through everything. I was devastated."
– Lynn, 29


The average cost of a divorce in the USA is $20,000; however, if you are frugal, cooperative with your eEx and lucky you can get one for under $10,000.
The cost of freedom:
$10,000 - $20,000 (Source: www.aboutdivorce.com)
$15,000 (Source: www.divorcesupport.about.com)
$20,000-$40,000 (Source: www.womansdivorce.com)
$50,000 (Source: www.divorcereform.org)

"This Ex was my second husband. He was a controlling, abusive, cheating man who did not consider our marriage a partnership. He made me suffer financially and treated my children poorly. And he also wanted me to get into a sexual lifestyle that I wanted no part of.” – Barbara, 43

“He had verbally abused me since my first pregnancy (about a year after we were married). The second pregnancy brought even more snide comments about my weight, even in front of friends and family. He was becoming more of a bully and though he didn’t hit me he would get in my space and scare me, make me think that he was going to hurt me. The actual event that made my decision to leave him was when he was screaming at me in front of both kids. He threw a set of keys at me; they missed me and our kids by mere inches. It was then that I knew I needed to get out for their safety and my sanity.” – Valerie, 32

“He called a co-worker at 2:30am to threaten to kill him because he had read a text message on my phone that simply said “sorry you are feeling poorly, saw you called in sick from work today – hope to see you tomorrow. Oh and I have some photos I shot this weekend to show you.” My Ex woke me up at 2am to tell me he knew I was sleeping with the guy – grabbed me screamed at me and then threw my phone into the wall. We got into a physical altercation and I punched him giving him a bloody nose. I told him then and there that we were done. He wouldn’t hear of it and the fight went on until he finally gave up calling me crazy and called friends to come and get him. He had the keys and my wallet and the only working phone (I had an emergency phone stashed that I later got out) so I had to physically get those from him. He took off and I packed my stuff. My mother came to get me the next day. I haven’t seen him since.” – Megan, 27

"He introduced someone else as his wife at his 15 year high school reunion because he said he was embarrassed to be seen with me." – Lori, 39

"The event made the decision for me - my Ex started screaming at me all of the time. Then he started screaming in front of our children. Then he threw keys at me and missed our daughters face by inches. I decided to leave for our safety and sanity." – Rachael, 41

"I knew he smoked pot occasionally, but I had no idea that he was also into cocaine and prescription drugs. He kept it hidden in his golf bag and in the console of his truck. We had two boys under 5 years old! We taught Sunday school together. This man who had been my high school sweetheart, who I had been married to for 7 years was a complete fraud. I uncovered evidence that he was dealing drugs and was unfaithful as well. I could never trust him again. It was over." – Sandy, 30

3) Physical Abuse
There's not a lot to say here. We have one stance on this topic: If you are being hit, call the marriage quits.

"It was over when the police took him away - that made up my mind for me. It was so easy to file the divorce papers at that point." – Karly, 34

“I was a successful business woman. A CEO and national speaker. A mother of 2 preteens. Once I realized I was being emotionally abused by my husband of 18 years I began to consider leaving him. Could I really bring about a divorce? What about our kids? What would everyone else think about me? When I addressed my concerns with his controlling me, he became so much more aggressive and oppressive. I finally left. I moved out. He continued to harass me daily–bombarding me with emails, texts, phone calls threatening me if I did not come back. Two months after I left him, he broke into my house one Sunday afternoon and severely raped and beat me nearly to death. I sought help from a local domestic violence center. Even after being raped and beaten, I was still too afraid of him to press charges.” – Eileen, 49

70% of reported domestic violence cases occur as the partner attempts
to leave. - National Coalition Against Domestic Violence


Children may experience such problems as depression, anger and hostility, isolation, school problems (low achievement), drug and/or alcohol use, and more. They may attempt to get attention through violent behavior, such as lashing out or treating pets cruelly, or by threatening siblings or mother with violence. Boys who witness their father’s abuse of their mothers are more likely to inflict severe violence when they become adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate abuse as adults. Children from abused homes often have relationship and marital problems as adults.
"We had been married 12 years. We had 3 children in elementary school. Our relationship was rocky at best. He could tell he was losing his grip on me. Losing the control. One night, we had gone to a party and I had a bit too much to drink. Sometimes I would anesthetize myself with liquor so I didn't have to deal with him and his arrogance. I could just come home and sack out. This particular night I drank too much. I fell asleep hard. I woke up pinned to the bed, he was straddling me, he was sitting on my chest. And then I woke up with his penis in my mouth. He was saying the most foul, vile things to me about what he was planning to do to me. Women say, "I would have killed him! I would have fought back." But when you are still half drunk, half asleep and completely in shock that it is your HUSBAND doing this to you, you don't know how to fight back. You are shocked and afraid. So he raped me. Yeah, that's what I define as nonconsensual sex – rape. That was the final straw. I would not stand to be degraded like that again." – Belinda, 38

"It was the final straw when my husband was drunk and, to make me mad, tried to put the kids in the car to go for a drive." – Melissa, 33

"He threw me off the deck (10' high) and I landed at the bottom of the stairs. I thought I had broken my back. I was screaming in pain and he wouldn’t help me…all this was in front of my young boys." – Natalie, 36

Each day, on average, more than 3 females and 1 male are murdered by their intimate partner in the United States.
– National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

“He came home angry at me for not waiting to eat dinner with him. He screamed at me, threw dishes, slammed cabinet doors and threatened to punch me in the face. I ran to my bedroom and locked the door. He broke the door, screamed and threatened to kill me. I called 911 and as I was making the call he jerked the phone from my hands, ripped the cord out of the wall and threw it into the yard. He threw all the phones in the yard. I knew I had lived in this chaos for far too long. I went to an attorney the very next day.” – Brooke, 43

“We were coming home from a Labor Day cookout. I knew he was mad by the way he slammed his car door as we got in. We rode in silence for about 5 miles. I sat silently dreading what I knew was coming again. He gradually pressed the accelerator, urging the car faster and faster until we were going 65 mph along twisting on the back, country roads towards home. I begged him to please slow down.” White-knuckling the steering wheel, elbows and shoulders locked he growled at me through clenched teeth “Please stop acting like such a whore every time you leave the house!” This was always the insult he threw at me. He would insist that I wear low-cut shirts, tight jeans, revealing clothes because he said he ‘loved my sexy, curvy body;’ but when we got out in public and he noticed other men eyeing me it became my fault for dressing that way. Always accusations of me being to flirty and seductive when I made sure to only mingle with women and children, never allowing myself to have conversation with the men. I began to cry and plead for him to slow down. He knew he was frightening me, and he loved it. He sped up to 85mph and then, as if the speed was not enough, he turned off the headlights–recklessly risking both our lives just to punish me for wearing the clothes he chose for me.
God sent an angel to watch over me that night and we made it home safely, well at least physically safe. This was the 10th time he had pulled that stunt with me. Turning off the headlights was the new trick. I am ashamed to say, I stayed with him 10 months longer, and he repeated this scare tactic twice more.”
– Kat, 26

"The final straw for me? That is easy. I had put up with so much for so long. Then he punched our 10-year-old daughter in the face when she tried to break up an argument between us.” – Julia, 37


Studies show that one third of children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems.


Women Are Abusive Too
Both men and women use put downs, ridicule, or standing in the way of jobs and other opportunities. Men tend to use forms of abuse that play to a woman’s fear of harm, isolation, or deprivation. Women typically invoke a man’s fear of failure as a provider, lover, or parent, says Steven Stoshny, Ph.D., author of Love Without Hurt.
Women tend to take on the role of abusers out of fear. Women fear that things will not go they way they would like and she won’t be able to cope. They might feel powerless and out of control, or jealous and feel the need to control their mate before their mate tries to control them.
Abusive women can be vindictive, name-calling, condescending wives. They come from walks of life, all socio-economic groups, ages, and races. These women can use the exact methods of control and abuse as the men do. They can use physical punishment, beating and/or torturing children or anyone less capable than they are (aging parents). They can demand or withhold sex, using it as a weapon, or can cheat on their spouses without apparent conscience. They can ignore and deliver the "silent treatment" as punishment for perceived wrongs. They can even hold all the purse strings, not allowing their husbands or family members to have so much as their own allowance. And they can prohibit their "loved ones" from even interacting with friends and extended family.
Women are apt to pressure men emotionally by saying things such as, “If you don’t do it, you are not the man I thought you were”, or, “I will take you for everything you are worth and leave you with nothing”. If the men refuse, they are then physically and mentally abused. The outside world is left with the assumption that men are never and could never be victims of this. Thus, domestic violence against men goes unrecognized. When men finally choose to tell someone or ask for help, they are ridiculed and dismissed.
4) Financial Abuse
Do you fight constantly about money? Are you in control of the funds or is he or does he hide your financial information? Marriage takes teamwork and when financial strain and abuse is a factor, tempers and tensions run high.

"He began hiding all of our finances. I had my own accounts but after we got married he was adamant about having joint accounts. He secretly kept several accounts. He over drew our joint accounts and hid all of his finances. He did all the banking on-line so that I would never be able to see. Yeah, he wouldn't give me the passwords on the accounts. He later stole my financial statements from the mailbox while I was at work. I knew it was the beginning of the end. I couldn’t trust him anymore.” – Gabriella, 34

“The final straw was discovering that he had not paid a house payment in so long that the bank had begun foreclosure proceedings. When I confronted him about his behaviors he became physically abusive for the first and only time. I knew then that I had to make the break because my children deserved a better life and so did I.” – Stephanie, 29

“When he wanted me to give up my career and I was the only one making any money. If I was unemployed he would have total control of me.” – Jenni, 32

“He could never hold a job for more than a few weeks. I gave him 2.5 years of marriage and then I couldn’t handle it any more.” – Jennifer, 29

"I knew within a few months I had married him on a rebound. We had nothing in common and grew apart quickly.” – Janice, 53

5) Infidelity
Can a husband ever realize the harm that he has done in cheating on his wife? The emotional devastation, the insecurity issues it creates in her otherwise solid self esteem? After an affair, a one-night stand, a hot textual online relationship, trust and respect just crumbles. We say men are hard wired to procreate. It’s just their nature. Yeah, right. If the woman chooses to remain in the relationship the couple begins a new dance that will forever change their marriage. Typically, a man begs for forgiveness and expects it to begin within a reasonable time frame (male expectation = 1-2 months “I said I’m sorry damn it, get over it, already!”) After an indiscretion, the woman really has the emotional work to do. She may say she forgives him in order to right the ship. In order to just keep the family afloat and to make it all go away; but she may make him pay for the rest of their marriage. Is that a real marriage? A union of mutual respect and love? Forgive and forget. Forgiveness is somewhat conceivable, but forget? Hmm? That one would take a saint! Most counselors suggest that we remember because in remembering we learn to not repeat that pattern.
Sometimes after an affair there is no way to repair the damage done. Does the idea of sex with your spouse make you cringe? No, really? You can tell us. Are you like so many of our girlfriends who feel physically ill at the thought of having ‘relations’ with their husbands? Maybe he had an affair (or three) and you can’t stomach the thought of sharing the same lollipop as the working girls down at Pure Platinum. Are you drowning in so much resentment and loathing you cannot bring yourself to keep the home fires burning? Does the idea of knockin’ boots with your Sugar Lumps cause you to feel trapped and angry? You can only use the “Sorry, Babe. I have a yeast infection” excuse for so long. It is time to act on your feelings. Or you’re just going to take one for the team for the rest of your life? Yeah. That’s what we thought.

"He kept telling me that everything was a figment of my imagination. When I followed his car, then followed him to a hotel and then caught him in the act with another woman, I realized none of it had been a figment of my imagination. Now I listen to my gut feeling." – Holly, 37

“Discovering his latest affair was the trigger. There had been numerous other affairs that I had been willing to forgive him for, but not this time.” ¬– Tina, 28

“It’s breakin’ my heart to watch you run around
‘cause I know that you’re living a lie, but that’s okay
baby ‘cause in time you will find
what goes around comes around.”
– Justin Timberlake

“I had a suspicion that he was cheating, but could not pin it on him. We had gone out on a Saturday night to a club. The girl I thought he was sneaking around with was at the club too. She saw us and got very aggravated and stormed out of the club. Hours later when we left to drive home, we made it to the exit ramp when one of the wheels came off the car! I was screaming at him that the bitch he was sleeping with had taken the bolts off the car! He didn’t defend himself. He didn’t say “No babe, that’s not true.” He just looked at me and shrugged. I stormed off and started walking home, down the highway, thinking he would come after me. He didn’t.” – Angie, 30

"I knew it was the end when I made a wonderful dinner, he picked up the food and dishes and threw them on the floor, breaking the plates and bowls. This was after he promised he would not be destructive or violent again. It was over."
– Elizabeth, 36
"Final straw - my mother-in-law sent money for us to go on a trip but he didn't tell me because he used it to take his girlfriend to St. Croix." – Emma, 40

“I caught him with another woman when my son only 7 months old. I was holding my baby in my arms when I walked in on them.” – Heidi, 32

"This is what he told me as I was sobbing on the floor: "Oh, yeah, I gave you the STD, didn't think it was active, guess I was wrong.'" – Joye, 45

"His weekend road-trip with the boys was with a girl, too. The boys drove down in a separate car, but my husband's companion rode with him. It turned out that she did not know he had a wife and they were together for over a year. I still wonder why none of his guy friends told me - I guess they were laughing behind my back." – Linda, 43

“I had an affair. I was unhappy with my life, with my job, with my marriage. He found out about it and confronted me. I admitted the infidelity. He wanted to try therapy and said he was willing to work through it. I knew I just didn’t love him and any fix would be short lived. I didn’t love the man I was having an affair with. But I knew I had to find a way to love myself and make myself happy and the marriage was not doing that for me.” – Isa, 46

“He brought home a steaming STD to me from the prostitute he hired while in Asia on business. Thanks, babe! Damn!” – Beth, 32

We can't make up this one!
"He was so abusive, and this was decades ago, so the police did not help. I had to take matters in my own hands. I killed him, cooked him and served him for dinner to his relatives as they asked me where he was." – Shannon, 68

Wow, we certainly don't endorse this type of retaliation for emotional and physical abuse; and as you can probably guess, this woman is now in jail. We don't think she has many visits from those relatives.

Many women live for years in a marriage where some or all of the above signs are present. They stay for any number of reasons...guilt, religious beliefs, the children, and fear of change, fear of not living up to their parents' expectations, the fear of failure or the fear of being alone. They stay for all the wrong reasons. You know it. We know it. When it's over, it is over. Draw your final straw and throw in the towel.


“If you really want something you will find a way,
if you don’t you will find an excuse.”


Chapter 3 Checklist: The Final Straw

___ Have you experienced any of the Top 5 Reasons for ending a marriage? Which ones? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___ Are you being or have you been emotionally or physically abused? So were a lot of our girlfriends. They are all doing really well and you will, too! Check here to signify that you are moving forward!
___ What was most memorable in this chapter?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___ We imagine you are feeling pretty exhausted after reading about the drama in this chapter. Time to shake off your funk and right your energy! Got for a walk! Put on some music and dance!

CHAPTER 4
Now What? – The Tactical Top 10

So you really think you want a divorce? We are sharing with you the real life experiences from girlfriends 24 – 76 years old who have also had to face this same decision. We are here to help you navigate your uncharted waters as you contemplate setting your destination towards divorce.

“In retrospect, I know I rushed into my divorce too soon. If I had known what to expect, how hard the transition would be for me and for my kids, I would have tried harder through counseling to save the marriage. After all, I am good, my kids are fine and both my Ex and I have moved on to happier lives; but I wish I had known then what I know now.” –Sally, 47

While you are still rinsing it around in your head, or if you are dead set on divorce, it's time for you to think tactically. It is time to get your ducks in a row. You certainly are not going to fare very well if you just march in, throw up your hands and scream at your husband “Enough! I’m done!” and then realize “Wait, where do I go from here?” This is the point where you prepare, tactically, and methodically for how you want this all to go down. You need to know what is in store for you on this journey. It is typically not quick and easy. You gain the control and then layout the plan to Sugar Honey on your time, on your terms. And if you change your mind and don't seek a divorce after all, the following is info that every woman should know regardless of your marital status.
We discovered that our girlfriends had a lot in common in planning for (or rather in the LACK of planning for) their divorces. Often they were left standing with a blank look on their face wondering what just happened to them. They felt like they had to start from scratch every day. They wished that they had known what to avoid, what to do and what would help them be successful. We are here to guide you through our Top 10 Tactical Steps and let our girlfriends enlighten you as to what worked for them and what didn’t!

1. Consult An Attorney
Sometimes our girlfriends had delusions of being able to tell their husbands "It's over. I'm out" and painlessly begin the next chapter of their lives. "I mean he KNOWS our marriage is on the rocks. He'll agree to it." Oh my gosh! We love that fantasy! It's a good one, but in reality, 99% of couples need legal guidance during a divorce. Ask your friends for a referral, set up an appointment, pay the minimum hourly consultation fee and go arm yourself with some information. It's worth the money and you'll be glad you did it.

“Hire an attorney immediately. Borrow money or do whatever you have to for this.” – Donna, 52
“Do exactly what the attorney tells you to do. They have seen it all. Do you think you know your husband better than anyone, you don’t know him at all.” – Gaye, 50
“Get good advice – work with professionals that can guide you and really listen to them.” – Jamie, 43
"My attorney was not fighting for me. He sat in our joint meeting and was allowing the other attorney to run the show. This blew me away so I took control and got a new attorney." – Christine, 37
“Have a trusted friend or family member go with you when you meet with the attorney. If you are frazzled, afraid, or nervous you probably are not going to be able to process all the information you seek to gain at this meeting. Ask someone else to go with you to be your extra ears and brain and take notes of everything you learn.” – Zoe, 38
“I saw an attorney about a year and a half before I filed the papers. I actually found him in the phone book. I ended up using him when I finally decided to file for divorce. He was a great attorney and I have referred him to several people since my divorce.” – Nancy, 62
"You never truly know your husband until you try to divorce him."

Before you go to the attorney begin documenting everything! Note the date, time and location of pertinent incidents. Keep a log of your daily plans and accomplishments. Document your spouses’ threats, abuse, behavior patterns, and comments. If there are any relevant emails, print them and keep them safe with your journal. If you keep a journal or log, keep this information separate from your personal diary. If you are sharing custody of the kids prior to determining a formal custody agreement be sure to keep a calendar showing the nights the kids are with you and the nights they are with him. Keep the content straightforward and factual, not emotional. A journal or diary can be admissible in court, and Lord! Isn’t that just every girl’s nightmare? Having her diary invaded! We hope it doesn’t come to that for you.
The average cost of divorce for our surveyed girlfriends was $5,000 - $10,000. When you are making your Action Plan, take into account your potential legal fees. Most attorneys will require your first hour (or two) be paid at the time of service. Their fees range from $200 - $350+/hour. Know what your goals are (see below The Action Plan). Don’t blubber to your attorney “I just don’t KNOW what I’m going to DO!” That is a question for your therapist or girlfriend. Know before you go and you will save yourself lots of dough!
2. Get a Secure Mailing Address
We suggest you take lunchtime field trip to your local post office, PakMail or Mail Boxes Etc. and get yourself a private post office box. This will cost approximately $20.00/month and it is so worth it! (Pricing based on MailBoxes Etc/UPS Store.) These facilities are well lit, safe and secure. They will give you a key to the front door, as well as a personal mailbox so you can access your mailbox 24/7. You also receive a physical mailing address instead of a P.O. address. Some credit card companies and banks insist on mailing directly to a real address. The cost per month is a bit higher than the US Post Office, but we think the benefits outweigh the additional expense. If you retain an attorney, order a new credit card, open a bank account, contact social services, or a therapist you will probably be receiving some mail from them and it is usually not the best idea to have that stuff sent to your home address. Perhaps you can use your office address or have it sent to a trusted friend or family member’s home. We suggest using a source you can control and the private P.O. Box is the best option.

"It turned out my husband was going through the mail before I got home from work and would take bills and personal mail addressed to me and hide them. When we separated, he would drive to the house (he was not living there and had his mail forwarded to a P.O. Box) and take my mail (again, bills and personal mail). I was so naive that I never suspected he would do that and did not realize it for several months. I was so mad at myself but my attention was diverted because of the separation and divorce. I wish I had the foresight to get a P.O. Box." – Kim, 36

3. Establish a separate credit card and bank account
It is surprising how many married women do not have a credit card or bank account separate from their spouse preferably with a different bank and credit card company than you currently share with your husband.

“I had not had a personal account since we got married. My Ex had twice before shut down both our joint checking account and credit cards when he had gotten mad at me. I wasn’t going to be financially paralyzed again. I began skimming cash out of my company mileage reimbursement each month. I opened a personal checking account and obtained a credit card in my name. I still had very little money in the account, so a few hours before I told Ex that I was leaving, I withdrew $2,000 from our joint checking account. It was my money too. There was $20,000 in that account. In hindsight, I should have gone ahead and cleaned out my half. I was not thinking far enough ahead and I suffered for it!”
– Marcy, 33

"I never had any idea how much the bills were, who we paid, how much was in the bank accounts, if we had retirement or how much. He kept saying I did not need to bother myself with it. We were married right after college and I didn't know any better. I really wish I had insisted on knowing." – Geranna, 34

“We had shared joint accounts since we had been married. He did the online banking. My paycheck and bonuses were direct deposited into the joint account. I earned over $100,000 a year and I had no idea of our financial situation. In order to get a grasp on how much money we had coming in and out of our checking account, I went twice a week to a bank branch office, but not the one where we normally banked. I was afraid they would tell my husband what I was doing. I confided in one of the female tellers of my dilemma and my plan to leave him. Twice I week I visited her and she would print an updated copy of all our accounts. I was shortly able to see where our money went, what utilities were drafted from the account, and get a true picture of our financial situation.”
– Drew, 39
"When we got married, we did not have a joint account yet so he put all of the wedding money in his personal account. We opened a joint account and made deposits to get it going and he continued to overdraw the account and he never put our wedding money in it. He said he spent all of the wedding money on his sports equipment." – Leslie, 25

Girlfriends, if you don’t have a handle on your money – joint or otherwise – get on it! The average woman knows exactly how many pounds her weight fluctuates day to day but does not know how much money she has in which accounts and the total due on her credit card. Snicker if you want, you know it is true! Have you heard the saying “…for love or money”? Well, more often than not, when you lay down the divorce gauntlet to your beloved, he is going to choose your (joint) money over his love for you. If you don’t know how much money you have (remember half of it is yours), you could fall prey to a lot of threats and hassle about how much he is going to allow you to have.

“My Ex accused me of bleeding our joint account prior to out separation. I had contacted the bank months before and had them send a printed statement each month to my mother’s home address. He banked online only. I was able to present 6 months worth of bank statements to both our attorney’s proving that I had not.” – Lauren, 41

“I married young. He was older and his family had so much money that we never had to worry. Well, he never wanted to get a job, jumped from cooking school to writing classes. Everything collapsed, he told me he was cheating on me and then I found out he took almost $10,000 from me, which I had worked very hard to earn. He ended it and I was left standing with my jaw dropped.”
– Claire, 50
“After my divorce, my credit went down the crapper! During our marriage my husband handled the finances and toward the end, bills were not getting paid on time. This showed up on my credit report even after producing evidence that we were no longer married. Many of the vendors still wanted to hold me responsible for my ex-husband’s debt even years after our divorce! Girls, NEVER be without your own checking account and credit card.“ – Vicky, 50


Desperate Measures: Install spy software on your home computer
The most honest and straightforward means of discovering the information you seek is simply to ask your husband for it. “Honey, you have been so great to manage our finances all these years but I feel like it’s high time I know what’s what in our money matters. How about you sit down with me and give me a complete summary of our passwords and usernames to our accounts. That would be so sweet of him, wouldn’t it? If you can’t imagine that scene playing out in a positive way, then let’s discuss how you will wrangle that information you have to have before you go meet with an attorney.
Answer the following questions honestly and please answer YES OR NO?
1) I don’t handle our family finances
2) My husband pays most/all of our bills online
3) My husband manages our stock portfolio online
4) My husband is secretive about our account passwords and I don’t have a damn clue what they are or how to get them
5) I suspect my husband of adultery/internet dating/ having an online emotional affair
If you answered YES to even one of those and you have the slightest inclination that you might leave your husband, download keystroke monitoring software onto the computer that he uses most A.S.A.P. We know it feels covert. That’s because it
IS! Get over it. It is better to find out now and develop a plan than to mill about for a few more years wondering! This will give you the answers you need. He will either be off the hook or you will know what kind of a man you are dealing with and then you can take the steps to move forward.
A keystroke recorder (sometimes referred to as a keystroke manager or logger) is software that can be easily downloaded from the Internet and will secretly record everything that is entered from the keyboard of that computer. Some programs also monitor all emails and instant messages, and views website activity. Cool, huh? We know it sounds shady and sketchy, but this is about protecting you, right? There is information you need. Sometimes this is the only means of getting the full picture.
Enter “free keystroke logger” into your computer web browser and voila! You will discover a myriad of free keystroke recorders. Usually there is a 30-day trial period. The software will remain hidden on your computer for 30 days and you can access the keystroke records at anytime during this period. BUT BE WARNED! At the end of the 30-day trial a message will pop up unexpectedly on your screen alerting the viewer that the trial is over and asking you to purchase a package. It would be bad news if your husband witnessed that pop-up window instead of you. So plan ahead. If you aren’t going to buy the package, go Delta Force on this mission. Get in. Get the info. Get out…and dismantle that software when you’re done! If you can’t figure out how, call those guys at customer tech support. Don't be shy. We’re pretty sure they get hundreds of these types of phone calls every day! Or pay the money (about $100) because it is a small cost and this is the place to spend it. Don't put this charge on your joint credit card account! Don't forget to print out the screen shots or information that you uncover – you may need it for a lawyer or court.

“One day I was on my company laptop at my office. I was shocked to see the pop-up window cheerfully announcing “Your 30-day trial period is about to expire for OMG Keystroke Recorder software.” I was livid! That SOB had installed a keystroke logger on my laptop! I did not hesitate to go home on my lunch hour and download the same software package on our home computer. What's that saying? ‘If you don't trust, you can't be trusted.” – Monica, 36

“My honey swore up and down to the marriage counselor that he was not cheating, not doing Internet dating, not doing porn – he was. I printed all of the screen shots for the counselor and he told me to get out of the marriage because he clearly did not want to be married and had no respect for the marriage vows.”
– Jeannie, 27
And on a positive note…
“Be involved in your family’s finances from the start of your marriage. Know where all your money is, what accounts, the access codes, etc. Communicate all financial matters, insurance, savings retirement, etc. You are equal partners. You owe it to each other to carry the weight of your finances.” – Vesta, 66
“I was a stay-at-home mom of 3 wonderful kids. My marriage was less than wonderful. One day, while the kids were at school I wanted to search for info online to begin my Action Plan. I typed ‘divorce’, ‘custody’, ‘domestic violence’, ‘divorce attorney’ in the Google search engine and found the websites I needed. I cleared the web search history when I was finished. A few days later, my husband confronted me, “Why were you looking online for ‘divorce’, ‘custody’, ‘domestic violence’, ‘divorce attorney’? I froze. How did he know? “I have a keystroke manager installed on that computer. I see everything you do”, he said, “And don’t bother to clear the history, I see that too.” This set me back for a few weeks. Then I realized I could access the Internet at the public library. I confided in a neighbor and she let me borrow her laptop while I was home alone. I set up a separate Gmail account and continued to get my Action Plan in order.”
– Brianna, 43
“My husband of 20 years told me to trust him; he paid all of the bills on-line and did everything on the computer. I was never very technical so he even gave me my email. Even when he was away traveling on business, he would be checking my email and calling. How could I not see what was wrong with this picture?” – Maeve, 52

4. Buy a No-Contract Cell Phone
If you share a cell phone account with your husband, and you want to keep your legal business on the down low, then we think you should promptly purchase a “pay as you go” cell phone. TracFone® is a good brand and easy to find at most Wal-Mart’s, Target’s or Walgreens. The phones range from $10 - $30 and you purchase “minutes” gift card-style in increments of 60 minutes +. These are no contract phones. When you activate the service for it, you are given a phone number. As long as you continue to add minutes to use the phone, the phone number will be valid. This may feel too stealthy for you, but if you want to keep your plans private, you will need a separate cell phone from your husband. Otherwise, he can tap into your joint account and view calls, texts and messages. Just saying….
"We shared a cell phone plan. He was the one having the affair and yet I was the one under surveillance! Each night he would log onto our cell phone account website and review every number I had called that day. If he didn’t recognize a number, he would call to see who answered! After I hired an attorney and began planning the divorce, I bought a no-contract cell phone. It was the smallest black phone I could find. I slit the black lining in the side of my computer bag and hid it there. Now, I cannot imagine how I ever survived under those controlling conditions.” – Kara, 42

5. Gather all important personal documents (and get copies of his too!)
Where is your birth certificate? Your passport? How much money do you and your husband have jointly in stocks or mutual funds? How much money is in his 401K? How much is in yours? Is there an open home equity line on your home? How much life insurance do you each have and who is the beneficiary? Where are your wills and how current are they? Is your name on the car titles or his? What about the mortgage, the utilities, your daughter’s college loan? If you don’t currently control the home “office”, then get control now. You need account numbers, account balances, usernames, passwords, addresses, phone numbers, and websites.
Begin collecting this mass of information because it might take awhile to find all of it. Reminder - you may need to be covert. Get a notebook and a file folder to store the information. If you have a Smartphone with a Vault Application, store the content in your password protected phone file. You are going to need copies of important documents like your birth certificate and your kids’ too. Health insurance cards, passports, social security cards (make a copy of his while you are at it), 401K statements, investment portfolios, the deed to your house and any other property you own (the ski boat, the motorcycle, the timeshare in the Caymans, the summer cottage). Are you leasing a car? Is it in his name or yours? Find out! Be prepared to handle everything as a business transaction. This is your life, your money, your future. He is the partner in this business of your life...and now you are dissolving the company.
We see that look on your face. You, like so many of our girlfriends, feel you have no privacy in your own home. You can't keep a journal because he will read it. You are afraid to collect data pertaining to your pending separation because you have no where safe to hide it. It is truly a sad, sad state of affairs to have no safe place in your own home. Perhaps you can stash documents at your office? Can you trust a neighbor or a girlfriend to allow you to keep a cardboard box of important papers at their house? Get creative. You have to be able to prepare your files with the separation information. Some of our girlfriends found ingenious means of protecting their personal papers.

"I was so afraid of him. I was afraid that he would find that I was building a case to leave him. I was afraid that he would get my keys and ransack my office and find any info I had stored there. So I divided my documents up and stored them in separate places. I had some files at my therapist's office. I left some with my attorney. I also kept some under lock and key in a co-worker's office."
– Brooke, 27
"I had zero privacy at home. My husband looked through my computer bag, my purse, my car, my gym bag. He told me that if I tried to password protect my laptop and Blackberry® that it meant that I was hiding stuff from him. I had to find a way to safely smuggle documents from the house, from my attorney to my office where I had a secure hiding place. So I slit the black lining in my big purse and could discretely slip documents between the lining and the outside wall of the purse. When you peek inside a purse with black lining, you can't see anything but black. Desperate needs make for desperate measures." – Kara, 42

"For 12 years of marriage I wasn't even able to keep a private diary or journal without him snooping in it and then questioning me about what I had written there! Both my attorney and counselor told me to keep a log of his actions and my plans for the separation. Where was I supposed to hide it? I confided in a neighbor and she had the best plan. She told me to put the journal in a gallon Zip-Lock® bag and hide it under the seat cushion on her front porch furniture. That way I could grab it any time of the day or night." – Sheryl, 36

"I needed to make copies of our legal documents, bank statements, and stock portfolio information. We didn't have a copier at home. When my husband was away on business trips, I would tell the kids I was going out for a quick 30 minute walk around the neighborhood. I would shove the documents inside my sweatshirt and hike up to the model home. I made friends with the on-site sales person and she allowed me to make copies there." – Angela, 36

6. Take inventory of your marital assets
Whether you really go through with the divorce or not, if it affects your life and your name is tied to it, you need to know all the details. Get organized and take control of your life right now. If you are committed and full steam ahead on the Action Plan there is another reason you must have all this information. You need to take inventory of your household possessions and assets. When you file for separation/divorce you will both have to complete an Equitable Distribution of Property form.
Equitable distribution is the statutory (legal) means of dividing marital assets and debts upon divorce. The process of equitable distribution has three parts: 1) categorizing property as marital or separate; 2) evaluating the property and; 3) distribution. Equitable distribution applies to all property, income, debts, and other assets that were accrued by either party during the course of the marriage.
Please note: this task is much easier to accomplish while you are still in the marital residence! If you move out, and there is drama between you and your honey, you may have to make this list entirely from memory. “Now what was in that orange Rubbermaid® storage container to the left of the fake Christmas tree in the basement? Was it his high school yearbooks or my Aunt Hattie’s crystal stemware?” Everything in your house has value. Make a list and assign it a cost. A wise attorney advised us not to assign high-dollar costs to items hubby might want in the split just to piss him off. It’s best to value everything as if you were going post it on Craigslist to get rid of it. Don’t make this harder than it already is by jacking up the prices on his fishing gear and low-balling your family heirlooms. Believe us, it’s not worth the fight over material goods when your sanity is a risk!
You will note all of your financial assets; both individual and jointly owned in order to determine who gets what when you split. It also is the financial gauge for alimony or spousal support. You will note your monthly/annual income. You will list your monthly household expenses (water, gas, electricity, cable, mortgage, rent, etc). You will also list your monthly personal and recreational expenses for you and for the family (magazine subscriptions, gym memberships, monthly manicure budget, haircuts, little Sally’s tutor and Johnny’s piano lessons). You will have to itemize everything of value in your home. From your cherished wedding china to the new iPod® Touch he gave you for Christmas last year; from your wedding rings to the Weed Eater®. Itemizing your life in an Excel spreadsheet and assigning value to every last thing taking up space in your house is tedious and terrible and a total pain in the ass. Most of our girlfriends had not idea that this was coming. Now you will be prepared!
If you own property, multiple vehicles, boats, time-shares, and you are uncertain of their exact value, then seek professional help in discovering and estimating their true value. Your attorney can best direct you on this matter.
“It took me 6 months to collect all the information I needed to feel prepared to leave Ex. I did not have control of the household finances, property, anything really. When he would leave to go away on business, I would ferret through the office files for statements, titles, deeds, property insurance information, anything I could get my hands on. I would send the kids over to a neighbors’ house to play and then dash out to Kinko’s to make copies of what I had found. I would store the mounting collection of documents at my sister’s house.” – Nikki, 32
“Even for a CPA, it was not an easy form to fill out.” – Patti, 29

He who controls the money holds the power.

7. Recruit Your Own Personal Fan Club
It is crucial that you have your support system in place before you set forth on this life-changing mission. You need a confidante who can be your cheerleader, your support, and your level head when you might not be thinking so clearly. Will you need a safe place (day and night) to escape to if circumstances with hubby get hot? Do you need a place to begin storing some of your personal items? Do you have a lifeline to someone who will take your call at 3:00 a.m. when you just need to vent? You need someone who cares for you (and your kids) and can be your strength when you just can’t go it alone.
Whether it’s your Mom, Dad, sister, friend, pastor, or neighbor–they will be your backbone. Find yours and confide in them your intentions and fears about pursuing a divorce. Then, listen closely now girls, convince yourself that no matter how much you want to stand on your own, go it alone, handle this all by yourself, that IT IS OKAY to let yourself fall back into the open arms of your personal cheerleader.
Reach out to your family and friends. The feeling of failure is paralyzing. Even if you choose the divorce, you will experience the regret of not being able to hold it all together and make it work. Opening up and being honest with our friends and family was what allowed us to push through and know that people were rooting for us. You will need support too!
"A new friend and her husband opened up their home for me! They gave me a guest room, bathroom, sheets, towels and a key! I could not even express to them how that gave me such a deep sense of peace and love. I had been so afraid to stay home. My husband got out of jail and was stalking me and tried to break into the house on several occasions. I thought if I slept in the upstairs bedroom and he broke in, he would come upstairs and kill me because I could not escape, so I decided to sleep downstairs on the sofa, which I did for 6 months. My girlfriend and her husband enabled me to sleep in a bed, made me feel safe and I slept through the little sounds that woke me up when I was alone." – Michelle, 37
“My mother and father always listened first and then pointed out when I was being irrational. They knew without asking if I needed help with the kids, with finances, with getting out of town, etc. I never had to ask or explain. They also reminded me every day that they would never judge me if I changed my mind. And while I knew I never would, I believed that they would never judge me.” – Dee, 39
“Find the best sitter with a driver’s license and first aid (Red Cross) certification immediately. You have to have help with your children, preferably someone not involved with this situation so they cannot talk about it.” – Jessica, 30
“My parents were my only support. They were awesome! They let my son and I move in with them until I could get on my feet financially.” – Renee, 28
“My family was shocked that I would leave my Ex. They were against me doing this. My support came from my church and a God-sent neighbor.” – Terry, 49
“My best girlfriend. We would talk each and every day and she was there for me every inch of the way. She even helped me get a loan to purchase my home.” – Lynda, 37
“My mom was very supportive. Even though she didn’t want to see us divorce, ultimately, she wanted me to be happy. Once I filed for divorce and my in-laws found out, they never spoke to me again. This was something I thought might happen, but it was very hard after having them in my life for 24 years.” – Carrie, 48
"I am lucky because one of my good friends, workout partner and next door neighbor is also a family counselor so I get free advice at least 3 times per week." – Cheryl, 36
8. Consider a Secure Storage Place
Everyone's separation situation is different. Some lucky girlfriends are able to part amicably with their Ex. Others experience pure hell. We hate to be the bearers of bad tidings but sometimes men go nuts when their wives announce they are leaving. Sometimes men retaliate by destroying the items you hold dear. Women do this too, we know. We all have tempers; but our mission is to help you protect your personal effects. You might want to begin moving some of your less noticeable personal items out of the house to a secure place. Perhaps you move stuff to your office or to your sister's garage. Maybe you rent a storage unit. We are not suggesting that you raid the house and swipe all the framed photos of your kids and your great grandmother's antique silver candle sticks on the mantle, but think about relocating some of your less conspicuous treasures that may be living in the attic or the basement.

"I had commissioned a very expensive painted portrait of my three children. My husband always hated the painting and enjoyed commenting aloud that he thought the kids looked stupid in it. (That he would say this in front of the children, it broke my heart.) I hung the painting not in our main family room where he would have to look at it every day, but instead in the dining room where I could enjoy it from time to time. One morning I walked through the dining room and noticed the painting was not on the wall. I asked him where it was and he just laughed maliciously. He had hidden it from me before in the attic eaves and once in the garage behind the lawn mower. "Please, tell me where the painting is," I begged, but he just sneered at me and said, "I told you I hate that damn painting and not to hang it in my house." I was getting ready to leave to take the kids to pre-school he snatched my keys off the countertop, opened the back door and threw my keys across the backyard, out into the pouring rain and turned to me and said "Maybe you should start your search for that stupid-ass painting out there while you look for your keys." I ran out into the backyard, frantically grabbing handfuls of wet leaves searching for my car keys. Suddenly my hand hit the corner of something hard under a heaping pile of rotting, wet leaves. My stomach tightened as I instantly realized I had found my cherished portrait that was now completely ruined. The following week I began moving my personal items, heirlooms, and treasured artwork and hand-made gifts from my kids, things a mother holds dear, to my neighbors' garage." – Tricia, 41

9. Your Action Plan
In the words of Paul Simon: “Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free.” You have mulled this over in your mind. You have tried to imagine how your life will be different, better, calmer, happier when it’s all behind you. You want it so badly you can taste freedom like a big wad of cotton candy melting on your tongue. And in order to get to that destination you dream of called Your New Life, you first have to make a detailed plan. If you checked all the above items off of your to-do list, it’s time to lay some plans.
When will you tell him?
How will you tell him?
Are you going to move out or will you ask him to?
If so, where will you go?
Who will help you move?
Do you have the utilities set up in your name?
What about the kids? (Skip ahead to Chapter # for information on custody and visitation agreements.)

“None of our home utilities were in my name. I had no personal credit on which to base my new accounts. I was afraid, but something told me to take a risk and rely on the kindness of strangers. Each time I called the power company, the phone company, the gas company to set up the new utilities in my name, God blessed me with a female customer service rep. I was honest with her. I told her that I was preparing to leave my husband and currently all our utilities were in his name. Each time, the customer service rep would reply, ‘It’s okay. I totally understand. I know you are afraid because I have been in your position. I am going to waive the set up fee and I will have no problem opening a new account for you.’ If that’s not amazing Girl Power, I don’t know what is. Women look out for each other.” – Alyssa, 36

10. Don’t make snap decisions.
You’ve read through the myriad of tasks that you have before you so that you can move forward with a divorce…with a clear head. During the process of discovery, while you are collecting all of your information, you may be tempted to go nuclear and angrily confront your spouse with your (potentially) alarming findings. Abort! Abort! Don’t do it. You need a complete, clear picture of your findings. Blowing your lid midstream will only complicate your progress. Once you feel you know all you need to know, then take a day, a week, however long you need to manage your emotions and get yourself prepared for this ordeal. Even the most amicable divorces are emotionally draining. Yours will be no different. Take time to base your decision on research and facts, on patterns. Hold off on any other major life changes right now until you get your mind squared on this one. When you are ready to take the next step you will know.

“When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.”


There you have it. Your Tactical Top 10 Steps to facilitating your separation and divorce. Are you ready? Get set…no? Not yet, well keep reading…

Waiting for the Perfect Time
Let us start by saying, there never is going to be the perfect time to dissolve your marriage. Just face it. Divorce was not part of the happily ever after plan. Most women believe that they can smooth over the drama of divorce by waiting for the perfect time to launch it on their family. Women typically put their lives on hold for their kids. “I will leave him when the kids are out of the house, when they are grown and go away to college.” They put their plans on hold until after the holidays and family birthdays. “I can’t begin this separation mess right now, it’s almost Thanksgiving, and then it will be Christmas, and New Year’s, and then little Sally’s birthday and then…” They postpone their goals and life changes for their friends and parents. “My parents will never understand if I leave my husband. They will never forgive me!” Men, however, often suddenly announce that they are having a mid-life crisis and disregard everyone and do what they want. Women are more apt to make a schedule and plan a mid-life crisis. Women have a tendency to say, "I can't afford to have a breakdown; I can’t pay for a divorce and for college for the kids.” They try to wait until it’s convenient for everyone else…and that just stinks! So often, women stall and make excuses for not taking steps toward divorce. They prolong their own agony…

“I made a mistake. I remarried too quickly after my first marriage ended abruptly. (Husband #1 chose his girlfriend over my son and I rebounded.) We had been married less than 6 months when I knew I needed out of marriage #2. I had my Action Plan cocked and loaded. I was planning to leave my husband after the holidays. No need to ruin everyone’s Christmas, right? January finally came into view and I was ready to move out, start over again, to finally begin the next chapter of my life, when Husband #2 came home with the news that he had been laid off. OMG! No! I dropped to the floor and sobbed. He thought I was crying for his job loss! I couldn’t kick him when he was down despite how much I wanted out. I convinced myself to ride this out for a month or so until he found a new job. Twelve months later…still no job. I was insane! I lived on my therapist’s couch as I tried to cope with whether to stay or go. Finally, after thirteen months, he landed a job. I told him I was leaving one week later. I have never been so relieved in my life to walk into my own house! I dropped to my knees and kissed the dirt floor! I had put my life on hold for far too long. I stalled my Action Plan for more over eighteen months to protect the feelings of someone I didn’t love. (And no, spousal support was not the issue.) Why are women hardwired to self sacrifice like that?” – Chelsea, 42
“Don’t expect it to be easy – it’s not. Expect the worst, pray for the best, make your plan, put your head down and go until you reach the end. Someone once told me “Going through a divorce is like being in a car wreck every day for two years.” That’s pretty accurate, but I think they neglected to include that you may be wearing an emotional neck brace for another two! Time takes time.” – Margaret, 43
"I knew something was not quite right with our relationship. Everything seemed okay but I suspected he was cheating on me. I asked him and he said I was nuts. My gut said differently. So I bought a small digital tape recorder ($30) and planted it in his car. I knew his daily work schedule. I would drive past his office just before lunchtime unlock his car, turn the recorder on and drop it under the front seat. It would record all day and I would recover it in the evening after he came home. I would download the recording to my laptop; then repeat the process the following day. It took less than a week to capture enough evidence against my "faithful" husband – talking on his cell phone to his girlfriend, making plans to meet her, even having sex with her in the car on his lunch hour. I took the recordings to my attorney and shortly served my darling with divorce papers...and a copy of his recordings on CD!" – Kathy, 36
“You can’t reason with an idiot and you can’t control anyone or anything but yourself, so don’t try. If you know it's not right and you've tried all you can, just end it and move on.” – Ella, 52

Let’s take a quick visualization time out. Let’s jump ahead for a second and actually sit back, take a breath and visualize the day that it actually happens. Imagine that you’ve told him, you were prepared, the attorneys sorted it out, the divorce papers were served, they were signed and you are driving away from the courthouse. It is over and you made it. As you are in the middle of stressing over your Action Plan, picture the day that it is over. What do you have for breakfast? What are you wearing? What do you do that night and then imagine that you have so many great things waiting for you!


Chapter 4 Checklist: Now What? – The Tactical Top 10

___ It’s a lot to think about, huh? Check here to show YOU are ready to plan your divorce.
___ Put an “X” here when you have completed your Tactical Top 10 tasks:
___ 1) Consulted an attorney
___ 2) Established a separate bank account and credit card
___ 3) Have a secure mail box
___ 4) Made copies of financial records
___ 5) Obtained a no-contract cell phone
___ 6) Rented a storage space
___ 7) Created an exit plan
____ Check here if you have read this chapter and are relieved to discover that most of these steps may not be necessary because you have an amicable husband. (We are thrilled for you! Whew! Now use this knowledge you have gained to help another girlfriend in the future.)
___ Make a note of which Tactical Ten is most important to you: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 5
It’s Really No One’s Business…But What Will Everyone Think?

“I told him I want a divorce.” When that sentence comes out of your mouth you can expect a circus of reactions from family, friends, and coworkers. Brace yourself for countless questions and an assault of comments like:

“WHAT? You and Hubby are the PERFECT couple!”
“Oh no! You are going to ruin those kids’ lives!”
“How can you do this to our Supper Club? You are supposed to host next month.”
“You’ll never find a better man. All the ones left out there are damaged and crazy.”
“I hate my husband too, but you don’t see me getting a divorce.”
“I hate it for you. This had better not affect your sales quota this quarter.”
“Your mother and I expected more from you. Marriage is forever.”
“Good for you, girl! Glad you finally grew a pair.”
“We never knew what you saw in him anyway.”
“How could you take him always criticizing you?”
“OMG! Aren’t you afraid you won’t be able to make it on your own?”

As if you don’t have enough to deal with, suddenly you will be running the gauntlet of family, friends, and frenemies who feel compelled to offer their advice, opinions and words of “wisdom”, whether you ask for it or not. If you have ever been pregnant you will remember how everyone (even strangers) would impose their blissful prenatal tales or gestational war stories on you. It’s just like that. Sometimes your “We’re getting divorced” announcement will be met with eye rolling, heavy sighs, disapproving grimaces and that irritating “no-no” head shaking. Ugh! We truly despise that last one!

“People will always surprise you–with their generosity
or their nastiness.” –Alexandra Penney

“There are two sides to every story.’ True enough, but it is such a pisser when you expect your friends and family to be comforting and supportive and instead they morph into Judge Judy.” – Liza, 47

“Sometimes married or single friends who haven’t been through the same thing can be hard because they just don’t know what to say.” – Emily, 23

“I was married and divorced by the time I was 26 years old. Reactions were: “Oh my God! You were married!” and “Aren’t you too young to be getting a divorce?!” Most of my friends who were divorcees or were in the trenches of divorce were much older than me. It made me feel horrible for a while, but my personality leads me to basically not care what others think. I know I made the right decision and my true friends back me up on that.” – Hayley, 27

“My parents were supportive to a certain degree. They wanted us out of the "mess", however, they insisted that we move to their city so they could help us more. That sounds great and all, however, we already had a home in a great city and there would have been strings attached I'm sure. Since the divorce, they have been less supportive than I ever would have imagined.” – Katlin, 32
“My in-laws didn't say much about the divorce, except they were sorry that I had gotten mixed up with their son and that he had treated me so badly. Now I have a great relationship with my former in-laws.” – Bonnie, 25
Deal with it. Divorce does not exist in a vacuum. Everyone you know, who knows you both will be affected by your divorce in some way. You can bank on shifts in your relationships coming at the most expected times as people try to butt in or take sides.

“Many people are concerned. Many are saddened. Some are just plain rude.” – Julia, 37

“We separated/divorced 3 years ago. It has been so interesting to see who ended up supporting me in the end. I lost some friends. I lost my in-laws and some sibling in-laws. As time has passed there are those who have asked to be allowed back into my life now that they understand the evil regime I had been living under. Now they see the truth.” – Kate, 38

“Superglue your mouth shut. As much as you want to vent to his family and try to make them understand your side – DON’T. If they care about you, they will show it. More often than not, they are going to give him their unconditional love regardless of how wonderful a daughter in-law you have been.” – Molly, 61

When you break the news, remember these three golden rules:

1. Save the drama for your momma.
Be brief. Avoid embellishments. Unless the person you are telling is a true friend spare the juicy details. Be extra selective about what you share with co-workers and your boss. You do not need them to be more critical of your work performance and blame it on your “divorce breakdown”. It happens a lot!

2. Keep the details on the down-low.
The fewer people that know your business, the less ammo they have with which to judge you. The spectators don’t need to know who your attorney is. They don’t need to know how you want to split the assets or that your son is struggling a bit in school because he is upset about the split. Find your one or two BFFs and keep everything else top secret.

“I made the mistake of sharing too much of my personal separation info with co-workers and soon discovered that they were more than happy to jam that knife in my back and narc to my boss that I was too stressed to perform my job. Then this person just slithered right into my position before I knew what hit me!” – Leah, 32

“I told my neighbors and brother and sister-in-law everything. I don’t know why I did that but I was so overwhelmed that was not thinking clearly. Well, they were all too happy to share millions of pieces of advice concerning what I should or should not do. They told me how to handle just about everything. I was so confused that I was exhausted every time they talked to me.” – Megan, 27

3. Project a positive attitude.
Everyone will expect you to be wallowing in a pity puddle. DON’T! Positive energy breeds positive results! No one has to know that you are freaking out in the inside. Only your closest confidantes need to know your inner most fears, because they will be the ones to help you through it. They won’t be the ones filling you with more anxiety with what-ifs and buts. Be future oriented. YOU are choosing this divorce. You are choosing your life path. You control it. Own it and show the world and any of the nay-sayers that you ARE going to be just fine.

Energy Vampires Really Suck!
An Energy Vampire is someone who poses as a friend but is not. He or she is actually sucking your life source, your good energy. They feed off of your energy for their own cruel, selfish purposes. Energy Vampires envy your strong character, your will power, and your drive. They keep you in a position of weakness by hypnotizing you with self-doubt and anxiety. Listen to your gut. You KNOW who the Energy Vampires are in your life right now. They may disguise themselves as loving sisters, mothers, girlfriends, but in reality they are enjoying a nice long slurp of your energy! Grab your wooden stake and crucifix! Here’s how to recognize and slay them! Ask yourself, does this person or relationship enliven me or to deaden me? Down deep, you know the true answer. It sucks (no pun intended!) to face the fact that your BFF is not committed to your highest and best good.


Change is Hard
Sometimes change is hard, but it doesn’t mean it’s not good. It opens your life up to new experiences and keeps it moving forward. Change comes in all forms – breakups, moves, jobs, divorce. Change is a part of life. Even if you failed at marriage, you can succeed at divorce.

Opt for Optimism
Are you wondering, How will I ever get through this? This will only make you feel afraid and paralyzed. Instead ask yourself a more positive question such as, What could be great about this change?

Create a “Change” Resume
List all the stuff you have lived through and made it, list every change you’ve experienced …from moving to a new city to recovering from an accident. Give it a read and you’ll realize just how truly capable you are!

Get Moving
It’s easy to feel stressed out during a big transition. To help keep your emotions in check and your mind focused, stay active. Try scrubbing dishes, hitting the gym, or organizing a closet.

Don’t Go It Alone
People find change easier when they’re in a positive group environment. Be open to new people; often, those who help you the most are not your closest friends.

-Erica Tobin Women’s Health/3/2010/Ariane de Bonvoisin/first30days.com
“It took me awhile to recognize the Energy Vampires lurking in my circle of friends. There were girlfriends who could not believe that I had the guts to divorce him. As my separation became this snarling beast that ate at my soul hourly, they continued to tune in everyday to get a drama update. I mistook their interest as care and concern for my emotional well being. Eventually I realized it wasn’t! They were living vicariously through me. They were so unhappy with their own marriages but were too weak to get out. They secretly enjoyed seeing me suffer and took pleasure in my set backs and failures. I methodically began to cut them out of my life.” – Vanessa, 44

This is what an Energy Vampire sounds like versus a member of your Personal Fan Club:
EV: “OMG! Aren’t you afraid he will attack you again?”
PFC: “Don’t be a victim. You are strong, girl! Let’s talk about what steps we can take to keep you safe.”

EV: “He’ll never agree to that custody agreement. What if you lose the kids?”
PFC: “Be positive. What did your attorney say? You are a good mother and everything is going to be okay, I promise. Stay focused.”

EV: “Just drown your sorrows in a fat bottle of Pinot. You deserve a drink!”
PFC: “Meet me at the gym tonight and we’ll sweat out some stress. I want to spend time with you.”

Energy Vampires can be debilitating to your soul and disastrous to your Action Plan and self esteem. Limit your exposure to them! If you have to be around them, wrap yourself in a white light of positivity and make the visit short! Better yet, completely cut them out ASAP! It won’t be easy but we promise your life will be better once you get their fangs out of you!

Deflecting the Negative Feedback
When the questions come and the rude comments smack you in the face, what will you say? Take a deep breath and remember that it is really no one’s business. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. This is between you and your husband. We know that biting your lip is most difficult when you’re being quizzed and badgered by the gossipmongers.
Some folks are going to be in shock at your choice to divorce. Some will try to lay a guilt trip on you or place blame. (If you’re a mother, you know guilt is a powerful weapon and it stinks when it is aimed at you.) Some people will immediately side with you. Others will encourage you to "tough it out." Don’t be defensive. Don’t let them ruffle your feathers. Honey, just shut them down with a charming response like:
"I realize you may not agree with my decision, but I'm going to have a tough road ahead and I could use your support (if you have kids, add this) "to make it easier on the kids."

"I know he has his faults, but he also has some good qualities or I wouldn't have married him in the first place. I'd like to move on." That last statement works wonders to deflect those who may think that slamming your Ex will somehow make you feel better. It may give you some short-term satisfaction to hear them applaud you for being the hero in your marriage, but once you turn on that martyr faucet, it is damn hard to get them to shut up. They will keep gushing. You need to be ready to move on and stop thinking about it.

Backlash from family and friends: Expect the unexpected!
"After sharing with my mother-in-law that he had multiple girl friends and how upset I was, she said, "Well, he picked you didn't he. He chose to marry you.” I was so stunned and sick to my stomach all at the same time that I couldn't say anything. All I could think was that my husband probably grew up watching his Dad do this to his Mom and it was deemed ok."
– Sara, 41
The Dr. Phils in your life will be quick to analyze and to try to fix your mess. Please be wary of the advice of people who have a stake in your life. Their motives may be completely selfish. If you’re the one who always hosts Christmas and Thanksgiving at your house, of course that caring sister-in-law doesn’t want you to escape the family! You might consider telling them–before they unload a diatribe of word vomit on you: "What I need right now is support, not answers to what went wrong."
Prepare yourself for comments like, "Bob is a workaholic; he's having an affair; his mother never liked you, you were always more into the kids and didn’t give him attention..." You cannot control other's reactions and comments. Grow a thick skin really quickly and learn to put on a poker face. You will get some surly and nasty comments from the most unexpected people.

"I left my Ex a month prior to my birthday. My mother-in-law, who had always been supportive and loving toward me, mailed me a birthday card, as she always does. I was shocked to read her inscription '...you have thoroughly disappointment me. I expected more of you as a mother, as a wife, as a 'daughter' of mine. You are completely selfish and making the most regrettable mistake of your life. My son needs you. You have always made his life happen. You need to stop thinking only of yourself.' What a slap in the face from a hypocritical woman who had, 20 years earlier, divorced her own controlling, depression riddled husband. You can be sure that birthday card did not get displayed on my mantle!" – Audrey, 56

Wow, we know. Your response should be gracious, yet firm. Say it again aloud with us: "What I need right now is support, not answers to what went wrong or what you think about me and my actions." Don’t waste your time fighting with these jerks. Just remember living well is the best revenge.

"Every marriage and every divorce is different."

If love is a battlefield then divorce is a blitzkrieg. Many divorced people like to share their war stories. You can learn lots from divorcees, but be careful what advice you take. Their tales are often scary, and serve to make them feel better about themselves and all they endured. Their accounts can easily overwhelm you with anxiety and dread.

Yours, Mine and Ours…but who gets the friends?
Many of your friends know you as a couple. They go to college football games with you, beach vacations, Sunday school, your kids’ baseball games and now they may have to choose between you and your Ex. Some friends try to stay neutral but find it difficult. Often, the wife will side with you and the husband with him. It’s only natural. Sometimes your breakup brings to light problems in their own marriages. Continuing to associate with you threatens their marriage and they choose to ditch you now that you are a singleton. You will also find it difficult to trust these couple friends now. Are they really on your side? Are they truly neutral? Why do they invite him over for dinner and not you? Wait! Did they de-friend you on Facebook, too?! It hurts. We know. WE KNOW! But screw ‘em. Those friends who are true friends will find a way to support you and remain supportive. If they don’t, then you didn’t need them anyway!

“I was surprised and well, completely pissed when one of my closest couple friends pulled away from me during my separation. I had supported them through some really dark times in their family and they chose him over me! They sided with Ex even though he assaulted me and cheated!” – Lily, 36
The reason “old friends” become distant after your divorce is usually more about them than you. If their own marriages are shaky they may be afraid of your divorce contamination. Instead of admiring your courage, they'll feel threatened and avoid you. “Oh no! I can’t hang out with her now that she is Donna Divorceé! She might recognize the cracks in my perfect marriage and call me out on it!” Ladies, being shunned like this really hurts at first. I mean for goodness sakes! You are supposed to be close friends with this couple! Your kids have known each other since birth! You’ve shared endless summer vacations and frankly, you’re one of the family, damn it! Do not waste your breath begging them to see your side. It’s pointless. If they truly loved you they would not subject you to this scrutiny or betrayal. Just let ‘em go!

“I was so hurt. My best girlfriend stopped answering my calls, wouldn’t reply to my emails, forget Facebook, OMG I was so upset. I thought I could turn to her of all people but nope.” – Catherine, 25

Just Wait Till Your Father Finds Out, Young Lady!
Blood is thicker than water. Your parents are supposed to have your back no matter what; but sometimes our families are not quite so Brady Bunch or Cosby Show. Sometimes they flip out when you announce divorce and suddenly you have all the momma guilt to deal with on top of your own marriage rot. Your in-laws are the wild card. They can choose to be Team You or Team Him. Everyone has an opinion and will take a side. We’re sorry if you don’t win the draft and get the MVPs. Try to understand their position. Hold your head up and never let ‘em see you sweat.

“My parents were very supportive and raised me to think that divorce was not necessarily a bad thing. It took me a long time to tell my Grandparents because they never understood my parents’ divorce. They are still shocked at my situation.” – Kimberly, 28

“I made the mistake of hiding our martial dysfunction from my family. I was a child of a divorced family and I was determined not to repeat the pattern. I was protecting myself from shame and protecting him from blame. That decision came back to bite me later. When I finally told them I was leaving him, they were shocked. They thought I was crazy and didn’t believe what I was telling because I had never shared with them the reality of our marriage.” – Cate, 36

“I was the first person to divorce in my entire family. I tried everything to make the marriage work. When I told my parents that he had hit me, all they could say was “Are you being nice enough?” What? Were they kidding? I was on a serious search for help and support.” – Maryanne, 33

“Both my parents passed away when I was in college. My in-laws were my family. After the separation, they talked with me a few times and then cut me off. They said they couldn’t handle it and that it wasn’t their problem. The family that had insisted I was now their daughter ditched me. My Ex had taken everything out of the joint bank account. I was left with nothing and they didn’t care.” – Cheri, 52

“My Ex convinced my family that I was insane and suicidal. They believed him instead of me! They preached at me and said that I had no “biblical grounds” for ending the marriage because he didn’t physically abuse me.” – Faith, 37

And on a positive note…
“Fortunately, once I informed my family of the awful events that took place in my marriage, I had their full support. As far as the in-laws go, I have never had a relationship with any of them so it was no great loss.”
– Olivia, 34

“Once I filed for divorce and my in-laws found out, they never spoke to me again. This was something I thought might happen, but it was very hard after having them in my life for 24 years. I felt like my own parents had abandoned me, because in effect they had.” – Samantha, 53


God’s Will, will be done?
"WWJD? I would like to think that Jesus would have come down and imposed some sort of divine intervention so I would have known not to marry him. Lightening bolts? Earthquakes? Someone randomly yelling “NO”! Instead I married that poor excuse of male flesh!" – Tammy, 38

One of the biggest divorce hurdles to overcome was dealing with a family who threw religion in their faces as a reason to keep the marriage together. The belief system you have been raised with is ingrained in your psyche. Even if your family is supportive, you may have serious qualms about ending your marriage. Many women believe that they must hold the marriage together at all costs, despite emotional or physical abuse. It’s God’s will, right? We know that you will have to come to terms with this issue on your own. We suggest consulting a therapist to help you deal with your struggle of faith versus ending a broken marriage. What would Jesus do? Here is what our girlfriends said they experienced when religion played a huge role in their lives and their decisions to divorce:

“I was raised to believe that you make a covenant with God when you marry. There is no sliding scale of 1-10. No buts or ifs. Marriage is for "better or worse". When I could not rehabilitate my husband from his addiction to drugs and porn, or make him realize that it was killing our family, I searched my soul and prayed hard that I could put down my beliefs and save myself and my kids.” – Paula, 52
“My parents had never divorced, nor had his. I was brought up in the church and I didn’t go into the decision lightly. Ultimately, it was my choice regardless of what others thought.” – Aimee, 29

“I am Catholic. Hello! Divorce = hell fire and brimstone! It has been really hard for me deal with this divorce. Therapy has been the key.” – Cindy, 35
“Where in the Bible does it say it is ok to be hurt, punished and / or abused? I don’t care what translation you have. Were his vows something like…will you take this woman to be your wedded wife, to live in the holy estate of matrimony? (Did he treat the marriage like a HOLY estate?) Will you love her, comfort her, protect her, honor and keep her safe in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others and keep thee only unto her so long as you both shall live? (Has he comforted you and protected you – how does abuse fit in here?)” – Parker, 38

Managing your own anxiety and insecurities during a divorce is hard. Dealing with the reactions of your intimate partner and your kids is such a horrible struggle; but on top of all that the hassle filtering the opinions and comments of family, friends, co-workers, random people in your life is down right miserable. The bottom line is this: Grow some thick skin. We know it is going to be painful to have your college roommate choose his side not yours. We know the holidays may never be the same with your family. We know you care what your staff thinks of you; but girlfriend, you have to live for you. Listen to your heart. Listen to your gut and go with what you know will make you a happier person regardless of what others may or may not think of you. Who do they think they are to judge you anyway?


Chapter 5 Checklist: It’s Really No One’s Business –
But What Will Everyone Think?

___ Acknowledge that some people in your life (relatives, friends, co-workers) are hindering you more than helping you!
___ List 3 Energy Vampires in your life and list what they have said or done to undermine you: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___ Check here to show that you are maintaining a positive attitude and that you are keeping big issues on the down-low (with the exception of 1 or 2 very close confidantes.)
___ “If you don’t pick up the rope, then no one can jerk you around.”
Check here if you have exercised your right (at least once this week) to NOT answer the phone, NOT read an insulting or manipulative email, or NOT reply to a text…and it feels great!
CHAPTER 6:
Therapy – Is a couch trip going to fix what’s broken?
We tried the therapy route and more than 90% of our girlfriends have tried it, too. We’ll share our outcomes with you – did it work, did it matter and are we better for it?
We all have opinions about therapy. Some think it is very positive and wonder how we would manage without it. Others think it is such a waste of time and money. Over 90% of the girlfriends we interviewed agree that therapy is absolutely productive. No one is perfect and no one has life figured out – there is always something that we can learn and therapy is the place to do it. That is the premise of this chapter - what we learned from therapy and how it has enabled us to make wiser choices so that we never need to repeat what we have been through. We have become much more discerning. We listen to our "gut" and intuition and we do not let other people make decisions for us.
First, what worked?
Going to therapy does help. Just go. Make an appointment today. It IS worth the money and the time spent. Therapy didn’t always give our girlfriends the answer that they wanted to hear, but it gave them an answer. It gave them a starting point and a base for beginning to decipher what was not working in their marriage or inside themselves. No more hovering in Limbo Land! Therapy doesn't have to be unpleasant. Don't be afraid. While your couch trip might require boxes of Kleenex, naps, ice cream, milk shakes and cookie dough for recovery, if you are honest with yourself and do the work your therapist guides you to do, therapy will be so worth it. We promise. So, we repeat – JUST GO! None of our girlfriends have regretted it – the good, the bad and the ugly but just GO!
What didn’t work?
It's unanimous! Our girlfriends resoundingly said that what did NOT work was forcing their husbands to go to therapy. If you can't get him to go, then go alone! You need it. Some girlfriends said their husbands forbade them to seek counseling. (Grrrrr! Manipulation and control is such a pisser.) If their husbands did go, they often went only to tell the therapist what he thought the therapist wanted to hear. Oh how productive was that!
What did not work: tip-toeing around the problems, sugarcoating the problems, withholding issues, crisis and conflicts from the therapist. We also discovered that sometimes our husbands only agreed to go to therapy to appease us – they told us and the therapist what they thought we wanted to hear to give them a "get out of therapy free" pass. Sigh, what a waste of time!
Our girlfriends learned that if our husbands did not go to therapy with us and we went alone – well, Shazam! That is when the real learning took place! Introspection 101! This is really where we got into the slimy, grimy baked on crud at the bottom of our psyches. We began to realize how we got into this dysfunctional relationship (yes, that means taking responsibility for ourselves), what ill patterns we have allowed to develop, and how we intend to get out of it. In case you missed it, yes, we started to take responsibility for ourselves!
Some of our girlfriends talked about the helpful side of going to therapy and counseling.
“I was able to come to grips with some of my own issues, giving me the strength and understanding I needed to make the break from my marriage. The therapists (Ex and I had separate therapists in the same practice) were able to help me realize that I’d never be able to have peace of mind until I separated.” – Ashley, 46
“I was so paralyzed by money that I almost didn't go. If I hadn't gone, the divorce would have cost so much more than it did. It helped me calm down, focus, see what was really going on and understand that my husband was a sociopath and that the cure rate was low so the idea of the marriage working and the abuse stopping was about 0%. His behavior and actions years after the divorce showed me that was true. Looking back, the counselor was onto him after a few sessions and armed me with books and information so that I could understand what a sociopath was. Those were some of the most difficult days.” – Sharon, 40
“I had a series of weekly therapy sessions one year after my separation, I think it was extremely beneficial and would most definitely recommend this. – Taren, 33
“The counselor wanted to see us separately. I went for my first session. Ex never showed up for his first session. I continued to go back and am so glad I did.” – Debbie, 55
“Therapy opened my eyes to the fact that he had been verbally abusing me for many years and helped me realize that my relationship was not healthy or normal.” “Through the sessions I developed the strength and strategies to exit my marriage. We went to couples counseling during the last years of marriage but he did not want to work on it.” – Vicky, 50
“He attended one session and refused to go back. I kept going. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself.” – Abby, 37
“Nothing worked. Not the marriage counselor, his anger management counselor or my therapist. The only real help received was from my good friend who was a therapist.” – Marcy, 33
We highly recommend therapy/counseling with a GOOD therapist (ask around—don’t just pick a name off your insurance provider list). A good therapist can help get to the root of the issues fairly quickly and in a safe environment. Therapy was very effective in helping us reach a decision – one that made us feel confident. This was instrumental in helping us end the marriage without tremendous trauma.
Warning! Some husbands are notorious for participating in “faux-therapy”, “fake-habilitation” or “psycho-anaylsis”.
Girlfriends far and wide have described to us how they watched their husbands use their honed skills of emotional manipulation and theatrics to coerce the therapists into thinking they are just angelic beings who have been severely misunderstood. Oh so sad, pity party for you, husbands. You may be privileged to get a front row seat to a show of this sort. Please do your best not to take off your shoe and throw it at his head in front of the therapist. It will put you in a very bad light and may damage your favorite BCBG sling back! Let him play the role (for awhile). Most of our girlfriends had incredibly intelligent counselors and therapists who saw right through all of it! In one example a counselor pulled our girlfriend aside and said, “Please keep a phone handy at all times and be ready to dial 911 because I am very afraid for you. There is something very evil about him.” About a month later, our girlfriend had to call 911 because she was afraid for her life. Luckily, she had that phone handy.
Here are some comments about this:
“We went to therapy but it was not effective. My husband only went because he thought it would appease me.” – Gail, 52
“We did counseling for about a year. It wasn’t helpful because my husband wouldn’t do the work the counselor set out for us. Frankly it was in my opinion a waste of money. The counseling I did on my own was helpful, but at that point I didn’t want to deal with the problems happening in my marriage. The answer was to get out, but I wasn’t ready to face that.” – Hannah, 57
And on a positive note…
“I only went to marriage counseling twice, he did not want to go. I believe it could have helped our marriage. I went alone. It helped me to deal with my personal issues, many that I was unaware of, that were detrimental to our marriage. Through therapy I gained control of my life, my choices and although my first marriage ended I gained skills that helped me not make the same mistakes in my second marriage. (Which is working out wonderfully!)” – Toni, 46
“After we separated, my husband was hell bent on getting me to come back “home.” He only went to counseling to appease me. He did not want to get better, learn from mistakes or uncover deeper issues.” –Annie, 31
“After going to counseling 4 times in 25 years, it was not helpful because he did not want to do what the counselor suggested. And my Ex told me it was all my fault anyway.” – Kelly, 50
“He said, “yes, yes, yes” to everything the counselor suggested, but as soon as we would walk out the door he would pick a fight and say that I was ruining everything. No, he did not follow anything the counselor suggested but told our family he was. It was awful.” – SaraLynn, 44
“His quote was "I'm only doing this so I won't look like an idiot.” He didn't want to be there, but his parents insisted that we go and they paid for it. He had no intentions of making any changes of bettering our marriage and he made that clear from the beginning.” – Lisa, 48
“He got so mad when I told the counselor that he had hit me – he glared at me and turned the story around and said that it was my fault for telling my parents <that he repeatedly hit me>. He got more enraged when I mentioned that he had been cheating on me (dating, sexual relationships, internet dating) and twisted it around to say he had cancelled his eHarmony account and that was why he was on the site. He twisted the stories again when I tried to bring up the other incidents by saying it was “over with her” only to later find evidence that it was not (why were there other women’s underwear in the laundry basket?).” – Parker, 38
“Everything seemed so clear to the therapist while I felt confused. The therapist warned me to be careful, cautious and to not upset him – she said that she had seen this before and that she could tell he was dangerous. She told me to be ready to flee at a moment’s notice. That is exactly what ended up happening.” – Becky, 24
“We went to a Christian counselor but it did no good. The counselor gave us books to read dealing with pornography and sex addiction. Ex said that therapy was ‘a bunch of bunk’, that the counselor was attacking him and he wasn’t going to pay for it anymore.” – Danielle, 35

"I went to therapy in for two years while I was struggling to figure out why I was unhappy. I now know it was our marriage. I forced him to go to counseling six times during this period. We did not go together. After therapy, he improved and my life improved. Later, when I mentioned that he go again; he said “Therapy didn’t do me any good. I went so you would get off my back. It was very easy for me to sit there and tell that woman (therapist) what she wanted to hear so she would tell you that I was fine.” – Wren, 41
BEWARE Faux-Therapy
Sometimes spouses will agree to go to therapy to delay or derail your efforts to fix or dissolve the marriage. Many women have gone through this same hassle!
“Our marriage was crumbling. I was afraid to face it. I was giving one last big effort in hopes of holding our family together. I asked my husband, one Sunday morning, to go to church with the kids and me. He said “You know I don’t believe in organized religion and I’m not going to pretend that I do any longer. Not for you. Not for the kids” I told him that we were growing apart and fighting a lot and would like for us to go to therapy. He said “Hell no. You can go. I am not. Therapy is where sociopaths go to hone their skills.”
After 2 more long weeks of constant fighting, I told Ex I wanted him to move out, I wanted a separation. His response: “Let’s go to therapy.” He would only consent to going to the therapist of his choice. We went to a few sessions together and separately. I was honest with the therapist, both in private and in front of him. It did not take very long for me to recognize that he had her snowed. That he was pretending again to save the marriage for his sake. We did 6 weeks of couples therapy. After the last session I moved out and never went to her again. He continued to go to her for another year and they are now friends socially. I smell a rat...a big one." – Elaine, 46

The Spiritual Side of Counseling
"It was the darkest and most painful time of my life. I kept waiting for things to get better, but they got worse. The pain was so deep. I remember hearing Beth Moore give a presentation about her new book “Get Out of That Pit” and she gave the best description, "It was so awful, that I was crying on the bedroom carpet floor in a heap, sobbing, you know what that is like, when you are breathing really heavy, taking huge gasping breaths, but you can't move because the pain is so great, and when you gasp and cry the little shaggy pieces of carpet get sucked into your nose”. That was what I thought of when I was sitting in a chair in the counselor’s office. I was crying. It was hard to breathe. My eyes were running and my nose was running and my heart was being ripped out with a grappling hook. So I sat in the chair, closed my eyes and prayed. I prayed for help. The counselor was really trying to help ease my anxiety but it simply was not getting the job done. I began to see a growing light, it got brighter and it felt like it began to fill me. I started to feel calmer and more at peace. At first I thought that I was all cried out and exhausted. With my eyes still closed, I began to see a man or a spirit or God (not sure) but I felt a deep love that was stronger than anything that I ever felt and it penetrated my entire body. I will never forget how amazing and warm that love felt. I knew that I was taken care of and protected. It was so overwhelming that it seemed like I crumpled at this being's feet. The love was so intense. It was so intense that it was almost hard to take. I took a few deep breaths and it turned out that I was smiling. Then, I slowly opened my eyes and worked with the counselor on next steps to rebuild my life. I was without my husband but I was not alone." – Camille, 37
“In the midst of separation and divorce, I had so many spiritual moments of enlightenment, renewed faith and strength. Those moments are what I choose to remember and not the pain or confusion.” – Joye, 45
“I don’t know what to call it or how to describe it, but my prayers were answered. Just a lot of little day to day things but I felt like I was being guided and helped. I have continued to live this way ever since.” – Pam, 29


PRAYER OF CONFESSION

I confess to you, knowing God, what I am.
I am not the person I like others to think I am.
I am afraid to admit, even to myself, what lies in the depths of my soul.
But I cannot hide my true self from you.
You know me as I am, and yet you love me.
Help me not to shrink from self knowledge.
Teach me to respect myself for your sake.
Give me the courage to put my trust in your guiding power.
Raise me out of the paralysis of guilt into the freedom
and energy of forgiven people.
And for those who through long habit find forgiveness hard to accept,
I ask you to break my bondage and set me free;
through Jesus Christ our Redeemer. Amen.

(England 20th Century - UMC Book of Worship)


No therapy for me, thanks! I’m full!
A few of our girlfriends chose to forego therapy for different reasons. Some could not persuade their Ex to go with them. Some refused because they felt they simply didn’t need it. Others dove into self-help books and Internet research and self-diagonosed their problem: chronic unhappiness due to bad life choices and poor mate selection!
“My Ex consistently refused to go to therapy with me. He said I was the crazy/a b!t*h, so why should he waste his valuable time on MY problems?!” – Brooke, 43
“We never when to therapy – he wasn’t worth it.” – Angie, 30
“He was already in therapy for bipolar disorder. I had attended several support groups for his condition. I knew I didn’t need therapy. I just needed to be free from his continued mental anguish.” – Courtney, 52
We know it can be an overwhelming decision to go if you have never been to therapy. That is ok! Most of us were in the same place you are right now. You can do it and we'll cheer with you after your first session. You might cry or laugh, but we can guarantee that your eyes will be a little more open than before you went in! "People generate the type of life that they think that they deserve." – Dr. Phil. So let's not waste any more time on what's his name and move into the amazing life that we deserve! Come on! Giddy up, girlfriends!
Chapter 6 Checklist: Therapy – Is a couch trip going to fix what’s broken?

___ Check this to acknowledge that you are open to investigating therapy or counseling.
___ You are going to counseling alone.
___ You are going to counseling alone with your spouse?
___ If you went to therapy, list 1 thing that you learned: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
___ List 2 issues you would like to work on with your therapist:
________________________________________________________________


CHAPTER 7
Positive Power – Just Say No to Hater-Aid!
Hater-Aid - Say what? It is the millennial drink option for those who can’t find what they want in Gatorade or Kool-Aid. It tastes kinda good in a sickening sweet, syrupy way, doesn’t it? Come on. Admit it. It’s addictive. You get started and you can’t stop. You mixed it up, after all. You concocted this special blend of Hater-Aid that you take sips (no gulps) of it whenever things aren’t going your way. You take a nip when you convince yourself that nothing is wrong and if something is wrong it’s all your fault and you can fix it. You know what Hater-Aid tastes like, don’t you? You know how it makes you feel. It makes you say things like:
“This is all my fault.”
“I was crazy to think that I could make it on my own.”
“I’m so stupid! I hate myself.”
“My kids are miserable. They will never forgive me.”
“This is too much! The attorneys, the police, the expense! I am so afraid!”
“Everyone is judging me! No one understands. They believe his lies.”
Hater-Aid! Available in these fruitylicous, tempting flavors: “Oh, I’m So Blue-Berry”, I’ve Been Lied to Limeade”, “Pity Me Pineapple” … you get the idea. Stop drinking that poison right this minute. Just say NO to Hater-Aid! We know there may be days when you are feeling completely out of sorts. Nothing is going your way. You may feel like you are fighting an uphill battle with no army to help with the attack and no one to bring up the rear. We had those days. Those days when you hate and doubt yourself. When you regret that you even made this decision, chose this life and you want to give up. When that happens, turn to this chapter and let us boost you back up, girlfriends.

New! Hater-Aid! Available in these fruitylicous, tempting flavors:
Oh, I’m So Blue-Berry, I’ve Been Lied to Limeade, Pity Me Pineapple,
Divorce Sucks and My Butt is so Big! Banana
I Feel Rotten Raspberry … you get the idea.
Stop drinking that poison right this minute.
Just say NO to Hater-Aid!

Personal Empowerment 101
(Otherwise known as Take Charge of YOUR LIFE, Sweetie!)
It’s time to pump up your ego and prop up your self-esteem. Roll up your sleeves because we are giving you a shot of positivity! Come to this very page when you need to give yourself a lift. When you are filled with doubt and self-deprecating brain paralyzing thoughts, turn to this chapter and hear our cry to all of our girlfriends in pain and in a pity pit: Be Strong! Just keep going. It will finally end!
No man is worth making yourself miserable over. Believe in yourself!
“Everything works out in the end.
If it’s not working out for you,
then it’s just not the end.”
– Patty Briguglio

Don’t agree to things, or give up things you are feeling forced to accept just to get through the drama more quickly. Don’t avoid things because you think it will make it smoother for the kids. You will regret it later. Hold your ground.
And on a positive note…
He was so calm and offered to help pack, move, pay child support. I don’t have any bad feelings toward him. – Ava, 33
Your kids will get through it and one day they will realize why this happened. Their future relationships will benefit from how well you handle this.
You are the one who chose to allow this husband into your life. Take responsibility for that choice. Now applaud yourself for how much you are learning from your mistakes. Learn from it and there will not be a need to choose those personality traits in a mate ever again. There is NO excuse for abuse. Never. You made the absolute right choice to escape an abusive relationship.
“There was no abuse, not ill will, no infidelity so it was hard for us to say what happened. We just looked at each other as we were driving home from the relatives for a holiday dinner and knew that it wasn’t right anymore. The kids were grown. We decided to separate and start on new chapters in our lives.” – Brynn, 59
“It is okay to set appropriate personal boundaries and hold fast to them. You are the master of your universe. You control who gains access to your mind, your body, and your soul. You CAN choose to NOT answer the phone. To not return voice mails. To not read emails and to NOT answer the door!” – Camille, 37
And on a positive note…
“I don’t see that I’ve made mistakes, but rather that I’ve made missteps. I have learned so much and I’m not sure how else I would have learned this. I see life as a school and that we all have lessons to learn!” – Crystal, 46
“Make NO verbal agreements – put everything in writing – no matter how persuasive or charming he may be (or may pretend to be).” – Audrey, 56

Don’t blame yourself for everything and don’t be afraid.

“You will stop crying, you’ll breathe again and when all is said and done your heart will stop hurting (well, it won’t hurt as much).” –Ginger, 35
“Learn the power of “ok”! Figure out what is worth fighting for and what is not.” – Penny, 52
You CAN make it on your own. You are worthy on your own.
“Do not negotiate your children – think about the real bottom line.” – Pam, 47
“You will never truly know the man you are married to until you divorce him!”

Do exactly what your attorney says, they’ve seen it all, heard it all – you think you know best but actually your attorney probably does. FYI – attorneys told us you really don’t know your husband at all. They were right.
Trust your GUT!
Get a journal to write down emotions and don’t rely on friends and family to work it all out for you.
“Expect the worst, pray for the best!” – Anita, 40
A little bit of feel good goes a long way! Pass the Hater-Aid Antidote!
Okay, we will allow you an occasional pity party but don’t make it a habit. We mean it! This is the hand that life has dealt you, girlfriend. It’s time to pick up the cards and get in the game! Just say no to self-medicating! No to binging on those Bugles® and cookie dough! No to a night on your couch with a six-pack of beer! No to the bottle of wine! No to pulling the covers over your head and spending the entire weekend in a Lifetime Movie cry-athon! Get up! Get moving! Get connected and stay healthy!
It can be the absolute last thing on your list when you are drained or exhausted, but get out and be with people and move it, Sister! Add some exercise. Join a fitness group, gym, neighborhood walking group – anything to keep those exercise-induced endorphins flowing through your stressed out body.
This is no time for hibernating or being a hermit – oh yeah, we know you are thinking …just a few days; I need some alone time…NO! You are too important and valuable! You will feel better, other people and new surroundings entertain your mind. Then you just won’t be able to help it! You will feel better!
You are going to have bad days. We know. Life’s not fair, and who ever told you this, lied to you. Expect some downer days and know that they too shall pass. But when you find yourself having one of those days when absolutely everything goes wrong, flip open this chapter and re-read your favorite lines. Write it down on a post-it and stick it to your mirror, put it on your calendar, or put it on your steering wheel! Yeah, days like that pop up like summer thunderstorms. We are sorry, honey because we know days like these just suck. They may blow your lawn furniture all over the back yard and knock over your potted geraniums, but those thunderstorms do roll past and the sun will shine again soon. We were there. We survived. We know you can get through this too.


Chapter 7 Checklist: Positive Power – Just Say NO to Hateraid!

___ Stop Blaming yourself!
___ Turn anxiousness into ACTION and move forward!
___ Start to TRUST your gut or intuition!
___ List 3 accomplishments you are proud of. (P.S. even ones like losing your post baby weight, walking 5 miles, relocating to a new town, giving up pizza for Lent…all these count! Yay YOU!)
_________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________


CHAPTER 8
Kids and Custody – The hardest part of divorce
How to tell your kids "We don't live in Pleasantville anymore"!
Divorce is not easy when you and your former Sweetie Pie are DINKS (Double Income No Kids), or when you are DIWPs (Double Income With Pets), but it can be especially unlovely when there are darling offspring involved. As soon as you come to grips with the fact that you are going to do leave this previously perfect man who has sired your children, the next thing that crosses your mind is “Oh my God, how am I going to tell the kids?”
Unless your angels are too young to know what’s going on, brace yourself –this is going to be a major suck fest. Kids can sense things are not quite right. They are more intuitive than the Dog Whisperer! So if the once blissful atmosphere of your home life is changing to a more stressful environment, and you have thought through your Exit Plan, it’s best to just go ahead and drop the divorce bomb on them.
Experts recommend that you and your husband sit the kids down at home and calmly tell them together. Good luck with this. We are wishing you the very best! We are sending you all the positive thoughts in the universe because honestly, this is just one of the hardest things most moms ever have to face. Try to remain calm and composed. This will be darn near impossible when you see their little faces crack and start leaking tears and their mouths gape open and the “WHY?” alarm starts going off. There are a few points you will want to get across to them. Kids don’t like things to be open ended. They don’t operate well in limbo. If you haven’t noticed, they do best when there is structure and stability…so ensure it for them as best you can. (See The Action Plan Chapter 3 (Top Ten List)…you should have thought of this before now).

“Telling my kids (ages 4 and 12) that I was planning to divorce their father was horrible. They were shocked and confused. They were hurt and angry. We were all together, the four of us, and as I struggled to hold myself together, my head was swimming and I felt like I was going to puke. Typically, I have an excellent memory; but the experience was so upsetting that I cannot remember much of what happened. The memory is blocked. I do recall that when it was over I left the house sobbing. I drove for about a mile, pulled the car over and puked on the side of the road. I can’t remember what happened next. I just recall waking up on the kitchen floor of my apartment hours later.”

Now, 3 years later: "The world is not spinning quiet so fast anymore. Life is (can I even say it without jinxing myself?) good. We have a 50/50 custody agreement and it is working as well as can be expected. As long as the lines of communication are open between my Ex and me, everything goes smoothly. It's not the life the kids would choose. They would rather have a family straight off the Disney Channel; but I have learned through all this that it is better for kids to be from a broken home than living in one." – Monica, 36

“The youngest (age 1) was so little he had no idea what was going on. I told my oldest (age 11) that his father and I needed to spend time living apart and that our marriage vows had been broken and I was unsure if I could forgive him. I literally told him that his father and I weren't able to love each other the way that married people must to be able to trust and love unconditionally and that as he got older he would be able to ask more questions and get a clearer understanding. The most difficult part was his not understanding why his dad couldn't live in the same house. He kept telling me that we didn't have to talk to each other or sleep in the same room but that his father should still be able to live with us. How do you explain that??? I am still trying…”
Now, 2 years later: “They have both adjusted very well. My youngest always wants to be with what I have heard referred to as their "Disney Dad". You know the one that sees them maybe every other weekend and has all kinds of gifts, junk food, and nothing but time to do whatever they want. It's infuriating but I find piece of mind knowing that as adults they will understand that I was the one who had to have rules and had to go to work, had to be the disciplinarian. – Shelley, 42
“He told the children before he walked out the door which was very poorly planned and not well managed at all. It was a mess for a while. My oldest son (16) ran amuck, slipped out at night, and got involved with a not so pristine group of friends. My little guy (6) missed his dad all the time and was struggling in school.”
Now, 8 years later: “Super fantastic; however, the youngest one has ADD and struggles with school work. He plays us against one another. The older son is awesome. He recently graduated college and moving out on his own and seems well adjusted.”– Sarah, 44

“My ex-husband told my son (age 10) before he discussed it with me. My son didn’t really understand until we moved out. He acted out and hated me for about a year – all the while going to therapy, which eventually helped. He continued seeing a therapist until he was 13.”

Now, Six years later: “My son happy and healthy now. He is saddened at times that his father and I are not together, but my son is very resilient.” – Grace, 33

“My two oldest daughters (ages 22 and 20) said it was ok to divorce their father that I deserved to be happy and that the youngest daughter would be ok. My youngest daughter (age 12) was crushed and it was very hard on her. Once the decision was made, the two oldest daughters struggled as well. It wasn’t easy for anyone. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”

Seven years later: My kids are much better. They understand why there needed to be a divorce and things are repairing. – Carolyn, 56

Mommy and Daddy are not getting back together! Kids across the USA have been brainwashed across into believing they can flim-flam their parents into reuniting! The glorified happy-ending in the Parent Trap movie has left kids secretly hoping Mommy and Daddy will be back together happily ever after in the dream house. (But we do secretly enjoy the remake (1998) with eye candy Dennis Quaid.)


Telling the Kids Must-Dos:
1. Explain that they did not cause the divorce.
Tell them that have not said or done anything to cause this. Depending on the ages and maturity of your kids, and without adding too much detail, tell them that mom and dad have decided that they would be better, happier people if they lived apart.
2. Tell them both mom and dad still love them very much now and always.
Emphasize: “Although mom and dad’s love for each other may end, their love for you will NEVER end. It is so important to emphasize to your child that this divorce is between the parents, NOT the parent and the child.

3. Make it clear to your kids that they cannot get their parents back together.
Show them by gradually building a new life for you and them.
4. Tell them what changes to expect.
Answer their burning questions like: “Where will we live? When will I see Daddy? Where will Daddy live? Will I go to the same school? Will I still be able to take ballet lessons on Tuesdays?” Remember your Exit Plan? Before you drop the D-Bomb on the kids, make sure you can tell them what their new living arrangements and schedule will look like…and when mom and dad will be present for what activity. The more details you can give them the more regarding their schedule and structure, the easier the transition will be.

“My Ex and I planned everything out before we told the kids (ages 18, 16, and 11 at the time) – how to tell the kids, what would matter to the kids during this change, where they would live, when they would spend time with each of us – we sorted it ALL out before we told them. We wanted them to know that we were still in control and were looking out for their best interests despite the change in living arrangements. They were sad, and shocked at first, but our being able to put aside our differences and put them first has turned out to be so positive for everyone.”

1 year later: “We are all doing so well! The kids still needed to know that we are a family. My Ex and I owe it to them to be good parents. We all get together for family game night (cards, board games), dinners and concerts. You have to put down your differences with your Ex and help your kids to know that love can change and can grow into a different but equally positive relationship.” – Janice, 53

“My Ex told me and my son (age 8) the day before he left and said that we had come to a mutual decision that he would be better if we did not live together anymore. I immediately corrected my Ex and said that this was his decision. Our child wanted to know who was going to pay our bills. The first month was hard; however, now that my Ex continues to use poor judgment, our child is more hurt because he can't trust or rely on his dad to protect him or to do the right thing.”

Now, 2 years later: “Our son sees his dad for what he is. He still prays for his dad and he calls him to check on him. Our son is more like the adult in the situation. He realizes that for now, he loves his daddy because he is his daddy, but he knows that his daddy continues to make lousy choices that are bad for him.” – Heidi, 32

Kids don’t need to know the nasty details of the demise of your marriage, but they do need to know that you tell them the truth. Sensor your responses to their questions, boil it down to a level that they can process and tell them the truth. If you always tell the truth you never have to remember what story you told to whom.


5. Allow them the time (and space) to freak out.
They don’t want this. Expect door slamming. Name-calling. Tantrums. Even adult kids who have had to witness their parents engage in endless screaming matches and secretly wish they would get divorced may not completely understand when D-Bomb Day comes. Just get through it. Be strong sister and know that you will never have to live through this ordeal again. Every child is different and will react differently to the news but TELL them it is okay to be sad, to be upset, to be mad, and above all the ask questions about this new lifestyle you are forcing upon them. Our girlfriends highly suggest finding additional support from family, friends or professionals to help the kids talk through their feelings on the divorce.

6. Minimize change so their life remains as “normal” as possible.
Divorce means a lot of change for both of you and for your children. They didn’t want the divorce. If possible, try to keep them in the same school and home and continue their same afternoon and evening activities. Consistency is the key.

“I sat down with our son (age 7) and told him that Daddy was moving out – that some people (like him and me) like being part of a team, and some people just have to fly solo. I told him that his Daddy loved him very much but that he was one of those solo people. I explained that he would see and talk to his Daddy all the time/any time but that he was going to stay with me in our same house, and that our lives would pretty much be the same except for Daddy not being around in our house. For the first few minutes, predictably awful! But tellingly, after that, seemed to kind of shake it off and roll with it. He only seemed a little anxious the day or so after Ex actually moved out. He needed to go see Daddy’s new apartment and get Daddy’s new phone number. I think he just needed to know where his Daddy was and how to get in touch with him. Once that got nailed down, we really didn’t have any more emotional incidents until a few months later when he wanted to see his Daddy on a Saturday morning and didn’t want to have to put on his clothes/leave the house to do it. I had to have a heart to heart with him that this was just our life now, whether we liked it or not, and we could chose to either make this situation a defining moment where everything before the move was great and everything afterwards was awful, or we could chose to move forward and make our lives good notwithstanding that our situation was not something that we wanted or would have chosen if we could have avoided it. Even though he was so young, he actually seemed to “get” it, and has never really seemed to dwell on the “victim” idea again.

Now, 8 years later: “Our son is 15 and seems to be very happy. He’s always been a very happy-go-lucky child with a very playful disposition. He talks to his dad regularly, although doesn’t see very much of him, but that seems to work for both of them. He is a very funny child, and honestly very fun to be with. We have definitely had our moments as he has moved into the teenage years, but overall I think we’re doing great.” – Crystal, 46

7. Be yourself and be consistent.
Divorce is painful for children because their relationship with each parent is constantly being tested and redefined. As parents we are unsure of our new roles as divorcées. You might seek to reinvent yourself, to change old patterns and adopt new hobbies and interests; but you are still your child’s parent. First and foremost they need you to be who you have always been to them and to be consistent. Help them maintain relationships with grandparents, friends, and other family. This isn’t easy for either of you and they need you to simply be the mom they love.

“Divorce brings so much change. It awakened a desire within me to be someone I was never allowed to be before. I wanted new friends. New experiences. New interests. I'm not suggesting that I suddenly wanted to get tattoos, body piercings and to jet off to Ibiza. Nothing as wild as all that! I wanted to live out loud! However, first and foremost, I am a mother. As much as I want to be selfish and to experience life without being told no, I know that it is MY main responsibility to love, protect, and nurture my kids…and to simply be the same mom they have always loved. So I chose to slowly incorporate new experiences and new people into my life, but to not shove it in my kids’ faces. I wanted them to see the positive changes in my life…just gradually.” – Tammy, 38

“Consider your kids in every decision you make. They are watching you. Your kids are learning from your actions. They are listening to your comments. Sometimes it is easy to make a split decision that takes you quickly out of your Ex’s line of fire, or gives you a much need release from stress and responsibility, but think about how those choices effect your children long term. They didn’t choose this. They don’t want this change. Lead by example and let them know you will love them always and are doing what you consider to be the best for them.” – Wren, 41


Reflections of a divorced mom: Through the eyes of her grown daughter
One of our girlfriend’s (who is not divorced) shares her story about her parent’s divorce when she was a preteen. “My mom always appeared calm and made us feel as if everything was okay. She never spoke negatively about my dad and made us feel comfortable through the divorce. I never realized how much stress she went through during the divorce. She held it all together for us. Looking back it was her attitude made it so easy for us to transition too.
The cat's out of the bag, what next?

Raaarrrrr! You did it. You let the cat out of the bag. You told the kids you two are divorcing, now what? Talking to kids about divorce is not a one-time word vomit session. It may feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, but kids will need to talk about the divorce again…and often. This should be an on-going conversation. Kids will need to talk about, and even debate different aspects of the divorce from time to time, as their perspective and needs change and as they get older.
It is very important to listen to your kids’ feeling and concerns about how the divorce affects them. Talk about living arrangements. Assure them that they will be able to spend time with and communicate with the absent parent. Keep lines of communication and visitation open for the kids and their extended family. Yes, especially your judgmental Ex In-Laws and that snitty sister-in-law! We know you had rather eat glass than have those haters in your life but this act of graciousness will reap you barrels full of good karma!

“My daughter had a difficult time verbally expressing her feelings about the divorce with me. I gave her a journal and told her that if she had questions for me, but she didn’t want to voice them aloud, she could write them in the journal and I would respond, also in the journal. This means of private, written communication really worked well for us. Years later, she told me that, at the time, she just couldn’t bring herself to talk to me face to face because she was anxious, angry, sad, etc., but that the journal made her feel comfortable discussing the hard topics of divorce.” – Abby, 37

Everyone – both adults and kids – react differently to divorce, but some reactions are quiet common. When are in the middle of a divorce you are often not Ho-Jo the Happy Clown. You will be stressed, distracted, tired, listless, and most days left with about as much energy as a dustpan. You think your kids are going to pick up on this? You betcha! Kids are empathic little souls. If you are mentally fried and anxious, odds are they will be too. During the days and weeks (even months) following your big announcement, you can expect your kids to be exceptionally stressed, even though they may try to hide it. (Hmm? Whom do you think they learned that from?). Boys often exhibit stress by acting up and acting out. They get into trouble. They seem unable to control their bodies and their sassy mouths! Girls tend to manifest their stress by having stomachaches and headaches. They might become whiney (and sassy too) and have trouble sleeping. Both boys and girls have a tendency to react to the divorce by becoming withdrawn and reclusive.
This period of change is the pits for everyone. We know your fuse is very short now, but please do everything in your power to keep your emotions in check. If you can keep your composure and seem as normal as you used to be in the kids’ eyes, it will help them get through this with a bit less heartache. Research shows that it typically takes 3-5 years for a family to complete the cycle of divorce completely. Try to understand that the kids are going to have mood swings too, that may or may not be in conjunction with yours. Time takes time and you all have to learn how to settle into this new lifestyle you have chosen.
Save the Drama, Momma! 7 Don’ts for Divorcing Parents

1. Don’t talk smack about your Ex.
We know you want to. We know when the kids come in singing the Hymns of Super Daddy that your teeth will clench and your hands will involuntarily cramp into fists, you’ll cock your little head and say “Oh, yeah? Huh! Let me tell you a thing or two about your Daddy!” but STOP! When you take your anger out on your Ex by trash talking or putting him down to your child, your child is the one who is damaged. Your sweet little baby loves you both…and is attached to you both. Our kids want to be just like us…the good parts of us. By slamming his dad you will erode your child’s self esteem. So just zip your lips. Don't vent to the kids and don't let them over hear you talking to others about their father. NOT EVER. Children are skilled eavesdroppers. Make sure your conversations with other adults are completely confidential.


Don’t mutter about your Ex under your breath. “You lost your backpack? You are just like your father! He was so forgetful! He could never keep up with anything.”
Put a muzzle on it, sister!

“Actions speak louder than words. It is a hard lesson to learn but boy, is it true. My parents were divorced when I was in preschool. All my life I recall my mother bad-mouthing my father. ‘He left us. He didn’t love us. We would have money if your Dad hadn’t been so selfish.’ My father was a good man who provided for and loved me above all else, but he didn’t love being married to my mother. I cannot recall my Dad ever saying a negative word about my mother. Ever. When I began going through my divorce, my Dad said, “Actions speak louder than words. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue but just bite it…and do not slander your Ex. It’s not easy, but one day, your kids will see clearly which parent had their best interests at heart, just as you see now.” – Camille, 37

“Do not talk about it with your children; remain positive about the other person, even if they are not. Take the high road. It’s a difficult path but the view is really nice from up there!” – Barbara, 43

2. Don’t be the Disneyland Parent.
Often a parent will overcompensate for the limited time spent with their child by lavishing the kids with gifts or trips in attempt to win the child’s love or favor. Divorcing parents often make unrealistic promises out of guilt. This is really playing dirty! Being Daddy (or Mommy) Warbucks usually only lasts for a little while ... while one parent is trying his/her hardest to screw over the other. When the Disneyland days cease, your child will have grown accustomed to the sweet life of getting everything they want. You will have set them up with false expectations of a lifestyle that you can no longer support. If you have repeatedly made grandiose plans and promises to them, your kids will learn that they can’t trust you to make good on your promises.

3. Don’t make your child the messenger.
Kids resent being made the messenger in parental communications and it stresses them out. (For example: "Tell your father he's late with the child support payment.") Communicate with your Ex directly (even by email if you can’t do it personally) but don’t make your child the go-between.

4. Don’t make your child a spy.
We know it is so tempting to try to collect top-secret intelligence from your toddler or teen. "So, does Daddy's girlfriend sleep over? She does? On the couch or in his bed?" Some children are generally magpies and will spill their guts to you about situations at your Ex's place that make them uncomfortable. You are welcome to glean this information and put it in your quiver of arrows; but it is not cool to pump your child for information. When they are little, it is easy. They just blab. As they get older, they will (mark our words WILL) resent you for interrogating them. When they begin to resent it, they will develop a defense mechanism and either lie to you or shut you out altogether. Usually one parent is guilty of continuing to attempt to control the Ex spouse and will resort to prying the children open every time they get them back. If your Ex is the guilty party, then take the high road and do not follow suit. If they don't volunteer any information, don’t pry. An easy comment is "I have missed you! Did you have a good time? I’m glad."

5. Don’t fight in front of the kids.
You are going to fight. If you didn’t fight, you might not be getting divorced, right? But it is bad juju to all involved when you fight in front of your kids. There are going to be times when you will be literally biting through your lip to stifle the cloud of cuss words that wants to spew forth from your mouth, but just zip it! This includes not screaming at your Ex on the phone from behind your closet door.
“Learn the incredible power of the word “OK” for as many things as you possibly can, just say, “OK” to all your Ex’s demands and threats. (For example: “If you don’t do “X,” then I’m going to do “Y” or “I want the kids for dinner every Wednesday night instead of every Thursday night” or “I want the kids the first Christmas and we can alternate after that”) It DOES NOT make you a doormat – it means you figured out what’s worth fighting about and what’s not. It also pretty much takes all the thunder out of the threats that are honestly just a continuation of the emotional abuse you’ve likely already been putting up with for years. It’s not much fun for him to keep swatting at someone he can’t get a responsive rise out of!”– Penny, 52

6. Don’t pretend everything is “just fine, Honey”.
Everything is NOT just fine. You are getting a divorce. Presenting the divorce as “everything is just fine and dandy” with no conflicts, no ill emotions, no problems can screw up your child royally! Your child will develop an altered perception of reality. They will question your honesty and perhaps lose trust in both you and your Ex. “If everything is just fine, why did this happen?” Consider also how this might affect their relationships in the future.

7. Don’t make your child your best friend.
Your child is your child. He or she is still a child, a minor. It is not your child’s responsibility to be your best friend, your support, or your therapist. They are NOT emotionally equipped to deal with your drama! You are the grown-up. Do not burden them with your grown-up problems. Period. Shame on you if you do. Listen to what some grown-ups say about living through divorce with childish parents:

“My parents were divorced when I was six. My mother was bitter towards my Dad. She didn’t manage her finances very well. She was always stressed about money and was constantly late paying her bills. Often we would have to drive to the night-drop at the phone company, the utility company, and the bank to make a payment just before they cut our service. She always complained to me that we didn’t have any money and that she was afraid ‘that we weren’t going to make it this month.’ It frightened me to see my mom so sad and stressed…and to be small and unable to help. Sometimes I was afraid to ask for things I needed, like new underwear or lunch money. I thought that if I had managed my things/money better I would not have to ask for extra. Now I understand how very unfair and detrimental it was of my mother to treat me as a girlfriend, not as her child, and to burden me with her financial problems.” – Cindy, 35

“Sometimes I felt like the grown up. My Mom and Dad acted like kids. My Dad was out dating and traveling and my Mom was always trying to be my best friend and even borrow my clothes when I got to high school. My Mom dressed sort of young for her age and kept getting tattoos when she broke up with a boyfriend. I was usually pretty embarrassed and didn’t want my friends to meet my parents. I’m in therapy now and the therapist said that I never really had time to act like a kid and play.” – Jamie, 43

8. Don't make your children choose sides.
Children naturally want to please both parents. It is completely unfair and detrimental to your relationship with the child to try and make them choose between you and your Ex in a dispute. Children need quality time with both parents. It is unfair to restrict their access to one parent, no matter how willing the children may seem at the time.

“My parents divorced when I was in seventh grade. They did not put any restrictions on when I could see either parent. They allowed me the option of choosing when I would see them. I still lived with my Mom, but given the freedom to see my Dad on the weekends took away pressures and extra stresses.” – Brooke, 27


Monday through Wednesday and every other weekend?
Before you tell your husband you want a divorce, before you tell the kids, you must rationally consider the custody arrangement you will want. You’re the mom! You want your kids 24-7. Maybe the Ex will consent to fatherhood Wednesdays and every other weekend? Don’t count on it. That arrangement was en vogue in the 1970s, but it’s not what’s trendy in current custody plans. Many Dads today simply don’t tolerate limited access to their kids…and that is a good thing! (Nod in agreement, and repeat, “That is a good thing.”) Although it makes life a little more challenging for you, we applaud men who don’t shirk their parental responsibilities and who continue to be active in their kids’ lives. Yay, Dads! (That being said, we certainly realize that there are some Dads that are not good role models. Your choice of a custody arrangement must focus on what is the best for your kids and that might mean limited access to their Dad. We’re sorry!)
“I was so mired down in figuring out how to tell my husband I wanted a divorce, how to tell the kids, how to get through the initial blast that I didn’t think forward about how to set up a custody arrangement. I figured I would get the kids, all the time. I’m the mom after all! So when my husband wanted joint custody, a 50/50 split, I was really thrown for a loop.” – Brianna, 43
“I did not understand the court system at all. I had been bullied and emotionally manipulated for years. When I left he told me that he would sue me for full custody. He was a very persuasive and dynamic person, who usually could talk his way into getting anything he wanted. I was so afraid I would lose my kids. I was a good mother and had no reason to believe this except HIS continued insistence that he would win in court. I wanted full custody with visitation for him – for a more stable environment for the kids – but he would not consent. I was so afraid of losing them. I had to be assured over and over and over again that the courts would not take my kids away because I left the marriage. I was afraid that moving out would be considered abandonment. He drilled into my head that it would be viewed as abandonment.” – Terry, 49
You need to decide what type of custody agreement you want. Joint custody means that both parents have joint legal and joint physical custody of a child. Sole custody means that one parent has the sole legal and sole physical custody of a child. (See the glossary of custody terms in this chapter.) Aside from the legal custody arrangement there is the visitation/parenting agreement. When will you have the kids? When will he? Spend some time investigating the different arrangements. Choose one that is best for you, then have 2 back up plans that you are willing to consent to. Like the Rolling Stones sing "You can't always get what you want" (Love that song!) so before you lay out your ideal plan, have a backup plan that you can try to live with for a little while. Your Ex may not agree to the plan you want. Be prepared for debate and compromise. Keep in mind that later on, you can revisit the custody arrangement/visitation schedule and change it if it is not working for you and the kids. Initially, you need to find a plan that works for you, for the kids and for your Ex while focusing on your main goal – stability for the kids.
“I am a full time mom and was determined I would not settle for less than having my kids full time. I could not imagine not waking up to their little faces every day. But in order to go through with the divorce I needed, I had to emotionally work through coping with a joint custody arrangement. It was so hard at first. I felt like I was not being the mother I was supposed to be. I ached for my children. Finally, I came to terms with the fact that they needed their father as much as they need me. And that while I wanted to be away from him, they needed to be allowed to love and be loved by him in equal time.” – Lindsay, 34
“We found a shared custody plan that would work for the interim. Sunday through Tuesday nights with me. Wednesday and Thursday with him and we rotated weekends. It really sucked at first. I missed the kids. They missed us both when they were away from the other parent. It was too much shuffling around for everyone. After a year or so, we eased into a week-to-week plan. Friday to Friday with visitation during the week after school. While the time apart is long and odd, this was easier on everyone.” – Charlotte, 45
You need to decide which parent will have physical and legal custody. Physical custody is where the child actually is, and legal custody is the decision-making authority of each parent. You should discuss in mediation the types of decisions that will require both parents to agree from the decisions that either parent may make on their own. Some examples of consensual decisions you will need to make about your kids might include:
• Holidays: Family and family traditions are important to children
• Birthdays (parties? The child’s and the parents’)
• Health Care decisions and costs: “Do we need to go into braces now or later?”
• Religious training: “Catholic or Methodist?” “Baha’i or Jewish?”
• Private or public school
• Will the kids go to this summer camp or that one?
• Which college to attend?
• Extracurricular activities
• Driving and Car Ownership (teens)
• Vacations: it is important that children have fun, relaxed time apart with each parent
• School (teacher conferences, school expenses)

When the time comes to legally outline your child custody agreement (parenting agreement), try to be as open minded as possible. Be willing to listen to your Ex and consider his needs and wishes too. If both of you are willing to compromise, you'll have a better go at brainstorming solutions to the custody issues that will work for everyone involved. Always remember that there's not a one-size-fits-all custody plan that will work for all families. Carefully and honestly examine your family situation and the needs of the child. Talk to an attorney before you begin child custody negotiations to get a firm understanding of your legal rights and options.

Girlfriends talk about their custody arrangements:
“Our child is supposed to stay with his father every other weekend. My Ex has given me all rights in regard to decision making for our child. At the moment, our child is not staying with him on a regular basis because our son sees that his dad has made some bad decisions and doesn't trust him.” –Marie, 41

“I told my Ex from day one that I would NOT negotiate our son – he was simply not on the table. Whatever Ex wanted monetarily/asset-wise we could discuss but we each needed to continue to be, respectively, our son’s 100% father and 100% mother. I asked for our son to live with me for his sense of security and well being, since I had been the caretaker parent his whole life to that point. I offered Ex absolute open access to our son in exchange, with no strings attached (monetary or otherwise) which was his top priority. Ex is an absolute spendthrift and no matter how much money I ever made, he still was desperate for more. No child support and no regular parental responsibilities were without question the two most enticing things I could offer and he couldn’t take me up on them fast enough. That is still our arrangement 9 years later and for the most part, has worked well for all of us.” – Anita, 40

"Men used to get a raw deal in regards to custody. In the 1960s, 1970s, 1980s, the courts generally awarded mothers primary custody and the fathers were relegated to limited visitation: Wednesdays and every other weekend, shared holidays and a couple of full weeks in the summer. Times have changed and fathers are no longer accepting this as a rule. Both parents deserve equal time with the kids. Now we are seeing more 50/50 or 60/40 shared custody plans." – Elisa, 34

“I didn’t get exactly what I wanted which was full custody and their father would have visitation on alternating weekends. We now have shared custody.”– Nina, 31

“We did ultimately agree that I would have custody and he would have generous visitation. After all the crap that he put me through, he never paid me a dime for child support and had no relationship with his son.” – Nancy, 62

“I’m the primary custodian. That’s what I wanted and that’s what I got. I had a great attorney taking care of me.” – Leah, 32

“During our separation and divorce I wanted primary custody and the ability to relocate out of state with my son. I got everything I asked for.” – Sandra, 42

5 Key Elements to Consider When Forming Your Custody Plan
Each family is different, but there are several standard factors to consider when you are developing a co-parenting plan:

1) Your child’s age
Infants: (0-18 months): Visits should be frequent and short. It is better for infants to have several short visits (a few hours) every week than a long visit on weekend or every other week. Keeping their schedule is most important.

Toddlers: (18 mos – 3 years): Shorter visits throughout the week are often best as toddlers are changing and learning. Frequent contact helps to maintain a relationship with the non-custodial parent.

Pre-school (3-6 years): Pre-schoolers don’t fully understand time frames. Use a calendar to help kids anticipate visits. Kids at this age are growing and developing so rapidly. Each week is a new adventure. Shorter visits allow each parent to enjoy their growing child.
Young school age: These kids want lots of parental contact. Both parents need to be involved as possible. When your child is away visiting your Ex it is important to call and email them often. Make certain your custody arrangement doesn’t deprive him/her of special events (school trips, sports events, etc).

Older school age kids: Kids at this age become more involved with their friends and parents need to be more flexible about visitation. They still need to know they are important and loved by both parents.

Teenagers: Whether dealing with a divorced family or not, teens typically prefer to spend time with their friends. Their relationship with their parents is still important. Include teenagers in planning visitation times and be flexible. Non-custodial parents, like all parents have to push to stay informed about their children. Both parents have to remain calm in dealing with the teenager’s love/hate relationship with parents. Also keep in mind, teens know how to work the system. Don’t put it past them to play both ends against the middle to try to get exactly what they want from separated/divorced parents!

2) Geographic distance between parents’ homes.
Kids need to be able to travel easily from one parent’s home to the other.

“After leaving my husband all I wanted was to get as far away from him as possible; however, the kids needs outweighed my desires for total disconnect from Ex. We both agreed to live within 10 miles of each other so that the kids could remain at their same schools, with their friends, and could have some feeling of being “just down the road” from each of us.” – Dee, 39

3) Your child’s attachment to you.
It’s easy to become so bitter and embroiled in conflict with your Ex that you forget your child has the right and the need to spend time with both of his/her non-custodial parent.

4) Your child’s physical and emotional needs and how best to provide for these.
Children need to feel at home, comfortable, and wanted in each house. They need a space in the home that is theirs.

5) Lifestyle consistency. Consider the ability of each parent to maintain contact with previously positive people and things in a child’s life (grandparents, other family, school, church, sports).

Don’t get Angry: POSITIVE Co-Parenting Tips
We’re not the Cosbys, but it works!
Agree on the Rules and Regs.
We’ll say it once again, kids need consistency. It may be difficult, but try to establish the same rules and regulations (and punishments) at both houses. Try to agree with each other about bedtimes, activities, what movies or TV shows are permitted, Internet usage, and discipline methods. It is a wonderful thing if the King and Queen and still present a united front!

“My parents were divorced when I was 5 years old. As far as I could tell, they got along fine during my childhood. Almost too well actually! I lived with my Mom and visited my Dad on Wednesdays and every other weekend. Once, when I was 16, I got into an argument with my mother and she grounded me and took away my car. I was enraged and told her she could NOT prevent me from going to see my Dad! She gave me back my car keys and said, “Fine, you can go to his house.” Victory! I thought I had escaped punishment! To my surprise, when I arrived at my Dad’s house, he met me in the driveway, held out his hand and asked for the car keys. He said “You are welcome to ride out your punishment here, but you are still grounded and have lost the car for a week. You need to learn to not disrespect your mother.” Of course, I despised it at the time, but as an adult and a divorced mother of two, I appreciate and am in awe of their strict unified discipline tactics.” – Erika, 35

Therapy – Not just for grownups anymore!
Don’t take it personally if your child shuts you out or acts out towards you. They are trying to cope. It is very important to help them find a way to express their feelings and concerns and to let them know that you care that they are struggling. Kids going through divorce often don't know how to deal with their feelings. They may "act out” or misbehave. They may become introverted and depressed. The school counselor, church counselor or professional therapist may be helpful in showing them constructive ways of expressing their feelings. Local domestic violence groups may have individual and group therapy sessions available to kids and parents for free.

“No matter how dysfunctional a child's life is, it only takes one person, one steady, stable adult in their life to make them feel valued and loved. This person may not be a parent or a grandparent. It may be a therapist, a neighbor, and a teacher. Just one person that they can trust and who is unwavering in their life is all they really need to know they are loved, that they matter and to remain emotionally okay.” – Maggie, 43

“My parents took us to a family counseling session after the separation and I still remember learning that it was okay for me to feel the way I did. Being able to talk to someone else with my parents there was a great relief.” – Allie, 29

If you can stomach it, plan a family outing.
If you didn’t just puke all over this book after reading that last sentence, then bear with us just a bit longer while we explain. For the sake of the kids, it would be most wonderful if you and Ex could put aside your differences from time to time and spend time together with your kids. If you can’t imagine the thought of going to a play, or a concert, or football game as a family without turning the event into a full on WWF Smack Down right there in the aisles, then you just can’t. We certainly will not prod you on to martyrdom! If you can find it in yourself to genuinely and graciously spend time together with the kids without going Hannibal Lector on each other, the Girlfriends highly suggest it. Your kids may not appreciate it now, but it will pay off big time in the long run. Lady, if you can do this, you deserve a cocktail!

“We made the kids together and we are committed to raising them together. We both attend their sporting events, school functions and birthday parties. Sometimes I just hold my breath and before I get out of the car, remind myself that I have lived through worse and I can surely get through the next 3 hours in close proximity to him for the kids’ sake…and then go home and reward myself with a nice pinot noir!” – Jane, 50

“As I child, I never noticed the tension between my divorced parents. They always appeared to be courteous and civil when we were all together. At my ballet recitals or graduations, they didn’t sit together, but they were game for photo ops and never gave me cause to stress or be concerned that they would make a scene. Now, as a divorced parent myself, I respect them so very much for providing me with that normal façade in front of my peers. Now I know the underlying tensions that were in boiling just under the surface and I try my best to emulate their great co-parenting skills.” – Evelyn, 44

Be flexible and cooperative.
Co-parenting takes time to adapt to and perfection is rare. Be flexible to the needs and wishes of your kids and your Ex. If it doesn’t put you out, it doesn’t hurt to diverge from the set schedule and plan from time to time. Perhaps your child wants to stay an additional night with her dad because there is a block party in his neighborhood and she would love to go. Maybe you have always facilitated the school projects but this time Ex wants to handle it with your son. It’s okay. Remember the “Power of OK”? Being flexible, without being a pushover, looks good on you. Our girlfriends say it helps to improve posture, reduces wrinkles and helps them sleep a whole lot better at night!


Chapter 8 Checklist: Kids and Custody – No, you’re not ruining their lives


___ Practice the “How do I tell my kids?” conversation before you tell them.
___ Rehearse words your kids will need to hear: You LOVE them, it is not their fault, let them know what to expect with the process, how they will live, will they go to the same school, will they still see their friends, can they still take music lessons, will they still play soccer, etc.
___ Plan when to tell them on your time. Don’t let your husband force you into having this conversation with the kids until you are ready
___ Repeat to yourself several times: I am not ruining my child (children’s) lives.
___ Allow them to freak out, give them space, be consistent, give them love and give them a lot of your time.


CHAPTER 9
Abuse – Signs, stereotypes and solutions for escaping it
After a bit of soul searching or therapy, some of our girlfriends have been able to make a connection between their abusive marriage and an abusive incident in their past. In some instances, they had witnessed one of their parents physically or emotionally abuse the other parent. Hmm? The light goes on and wow, "It all makes sense now why I allowed him to treat me that way for so long. I grew up with the same dysfunctional scenarios." Most of our girlfriends said before they were married, the only thing they knew about abuse was what they had seen on television or in the movies. They wondered why all these weak women stay in those abusive relationships.”
We lived in denial. We couldn’t even see that we were in it – it was as though it was too horrific to admit that the person on television was living a life of abuse behind a closed door, the person in the newspaper whose husband was arrested again or was found killed by her husband and the woman in the movie who would hide her black eyes and bruises with makeup, may have been one of us. Nope, this wasn’t who we were. We were living the American dream – some of our girlfriend’s had large gorgeous homes, 2 new cars, gourmet meals cooked with Kitchen Aid appliances, Pottery Barn decor, granite countertops, stunning landscapes, children who had every toy on the planet, sports and projects to the nth degree for them – gosh, on the outside, who would ever guess what was happening! Well, that was part of the plan. Under that “Hi, I’m awesome” smile, was a stomach churning with acid, jaws that ached from clenching teeth during sleep, headaches from multitasking - and this kind of multitasking also involved juggling our husbands, and our husbands unpredictable behavior that was able to erupt with no notice. No smoke or grumbling (at least a volcano would often give warning signs)! So yeah, we could not see that we were living in this life. We could talk ourselves out of it. And the excuses … I’ll stay with him for the kids, I’ll stay with him until I save more money, I’ll stay with him through Thanksgiving (which then became Christmas, Hanukkah, which became President’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, etc.), I’ll stay until I can get my own credit card and bank account, I’ll stay with him until his 2nd cousin’s cousin broken finger gets healed, etc.

An abuser makes you feel badly about yourself – that is how you know it is abuse.

So why are we bringing this up? What is the point? What is underneath all of this? Yeah, yeah, we know. No really, why are we bringing this up? Our girlfriend’s (and a lot of our girlfriend’s girlfriends, etc.) like to TALK! Women do that and we’ll admit, we talk A LOT and yes, sometimes EXCESSIVELY. It helps us process, and it helps us come up with answers. However, it often leads us astray. I’ll say it again: it leads us astray! The bottom line and what is underneath all of this is … while we spent hours and hours talking and talking and processing, chewing and digesting the day to day of what we were going through, then talking and talking some more we realized that we didn’t know what was happening to us! We would talk to our parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, neighbors, but this took us down the wrong street. We thought it would help and we were confused when it didn’t. We were going astray! We needed to LISTEN TO OURSELVES! We weren’t doing that. Oh, we know, it is SO HARD to do that! It is so much easier to get the answers from someone else. We can all tell you that as hard as it is, it will save you so much time and energy – when your friends, family, confidants, etc. give you advice to say, “Thank you so much for your suggestion and advice” and then do a delete in your brain. Only listen to yourself! All of the girlfriends have said, “I wish I didn’t listen to my neighbor Marge when she told me to…” And “I can’t believe I did what my Mom said because it messed up…” “Do you know my Dad told me to tell my lawyer that...and I had a funny feeling that that wasn’t right? Gosh, why didn’t I listen to myself?” This is so important that we could write an entire book discussing the importance of learning to listen to ourselves.


He doesn't mean it, right? It's going to stop soon. I just know it will.
He’ll change, he’ll stop doing it. He knows it is wrong. Right?


Are you a victim of verbal, emotional or physical abuse?
Are you being abused? So he didn’t break any bones (yet), huh? Excuse me? What was that? What does abuse mean? Just because it’s not physical does not mean it’s not abuse. Sometimes the word "abuse" can be confusing and at times overused. Sadly, that is the case in the majority of relationships that are not healthy. Abuse may manifest in many different ways.
• Verbal Abuse - use of words that demean and / or threaten
• Financial Abuse - use of money to control the relationship
• Sexual Abuse - withholding or demanding sexual activities without concern for the needs and desires of the partner
• Physical Abuse - the use of force at any time and in any manner
• Third Party Abuse - engaging in unacceptable behavior toward a friend, family member (often a child) or even a pet
• Social Abuse - Denying opportunities to interact with friends or family members, denying the right to make simple choices, such as what to wear, what to select from a menu, etc.
• Emotional Abuse – Using guilt, fear, religion (scripture passages, fear of sinning) to keep a victim from reporting the abuse or to keep a victim from seeking help.

“Domestic violence is about the control of one human being by another. This control begins with verbal abuse and is similar to mind control,” states Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive man–Can He Change? Verbal and emotional abuse is common and they are, unfortunately, the most difficult to convince ourselves that they really are happening to us. Others (friends, co-workers and family) often see it before you do, honey. I’m sorry, but your man may just be a bad guy. Any woman, in any socioeconomic demographic, may find herself a victim of abuse.


Some characteristics of an abuser:
• Abusers may be charming, witty, attractive, romantic and intelligent
• Abusers have poor coping skills
• Abusers have low self-esteem (but they work hard to hide it)
• Abusers are unpredictable, unreasonable and demanding at all times
• Abusers may exhibit extreme jealousy
• Abusers always blame the victim, other people or outside events for their behavior
• Abusers deny the abuse has occurred or make light of a violent episode
• Abusers often have a history of physical, emotional or sexual abuse
• Abusers express remorse and beg for forgiveness with “loving” acts.
-Interact, Wake County, NC, “2 Forms of Abuse Coexist”


An abusive man will tell you: “It’s all in your head,” or “you are being too sensitive." If you have been fed those lines, then you have been verbally abused. If you have been “corrected” for everything you say and do, you have been verbally abused. If your partner refuses to communicate with you, or selectively establishes what may or may not be discussed, you have been verbally abused. If you have ever been told what you are thinking and feeling is not important, you have been verbally abused. Verbal abuse is often covert, hidden aggression and it hits the mark by throwing you off guard and leaves wondering, “What in the hell just happened?”
Often abuse is disguised as “just kidding” and it involves name-calling, judging, criticizing, blaming, accusing and threatening. Is this happening to you? Have you convinced yourself that you are just way too emotional and that is how old married folks act towards each other when the newness wears off the marital bliss? Sister, wake up and smell the Starbucks! Your marriage sucks and you need to address these issues PRONTO!
Do you feel like you’ve just had that pretty Pottery Barn jute rug pulled out from under you or maybe you feel like you were thrown in the Kitchen-Aid mixer?
Okay now…take a very deep breath and repeat after me…IT IS NOT ME! (Repeat 1,000 times and then repeat again). You are not provoking his actions. You are not making him treat you badly.
He is an adult. He has made this choice to treat you this way. You are an adult. You can now make a choice – put up with it OR stand up for yourself and make it stop! If you choose to put up with it, we are truly sorry for you. Life is so short and we all deserve to love and be loved and to respect and be respected. So you think you should stay for the sake of the kids? Well, they’ll probably end up in therapy or a pick a similar spouse and end up in a dysfunctional marriage just like yours! Relationship patterns, both good and bad, repeat themselves. History tends to repeats itself!
So you say you've tried everything possible to make the abuse stop. You have tried to make him happy and to simultaneously keep your sanity. Some things you’ve even tried twice, thrice, and then some, and it still seems as though D-Day is the only next step. We’ve been there. We’ve tried everything that our families, friends, relatives, counselors and therapist have suggested and the marriage still feels awful. Or maybe the decision was made for you – maybe he ran away. One girlfriend’s husband took a vacation to the Caribbean on her birthday…without her. Maybe he was taken out of the home in handcuffs. One girlfriend said her husband wrecked the house and then moved on to her face. Another girlfriend said her husband was so angry with her; he retaliated by punching their daughter in the face! Maybe he made the decision to just leave. The abuse may stop but the lingering emotional damage can be staggering. One husband picked smoking pot over living with his alleged "nagging" wife.
Ground yourself HERE! Ground yourself knowing that you have tried to keep the marriage intact. Make peace with yourself. There is no more …”What if…” “…Maybe he’ll change…” “I hope he…” “It’s just a phase…” “. Maybe this is just how marriages turn out”, “ this isn’t great but at least it isn’t as bad a Sally’s marriage…” “He’s just stressed”, “I’m just stressed”, “…happiness is overrated”, “...he said he’ll never do it again…” sigh…on and on… STOP IT! You will find these oh-so-often-heard quotables in hundreds of books. This is not good, not healthy and not normal. It won’t get you anywhere except drained, exhausted and disempowered! Patterns repeat themselves and history repeats itself. STOP IT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!
Call it whatever you want…but it is still ABUSE!
Granted, your day-to-day life might not resemble an episode of “COPS” or a Lifetime® Channel movie but if it FEELS BAD and it KEEPS HAPPENING, it is abuse. “Well, he is not beating me up in a single-wide trailer so it must not be abuse.” “Is it abuse if you don’t see the bruises?” “Is it abuse if he tells me he's sorry and wants to have sex afterwards?” Girls! Wise up! Emotional verbal, psychological, physical…Yep – it all counts! Recognize it now and stop making excuses for him! We are back to the excuses. “He’s tired.” “I’m tired.” “He’s under stress.” “He’s working so hard.” “He is trying to provide for the family.” “He just fixed the leaky faucet.” “I probably am just not making him happy anymore.” You get the idea! He is an adult. He is a man. Well, real men do not act like this! Dr. Laura Schlessinger has the best quote to define a real man. “A real man will swim through shark infested waters to serve his woman lemonade!" Read any Dr. Laura book or listen to her daily radio show for more definitions of real (good) men and stop making excuses for your guys' (boy-husband's) bad behavior!
What do you do when those icky feelings you get when you go home are NOT going away? Maybe you have started taking all of the steps and you are doing everything that the therapist told you to do but something is not right. What is it - why are the gray clouds still parked in front of your sunny sky? Well, sweetie, breaking away from an abusive relationship is so damn hard! You are breaking a lifelong pattern and in some cases you are breaking a multi-generational pattern. Many women just can’t do it! But we know you CAN! It sucks, we know, but you can do it! We like to say, "If you're going through hell, keep on going! You might get out before the Devil even knows you're there." We know this is NOT the life you wanted. You have you found the man of your dreams, planned “till death do we part” and: poof: that dream is gone. We understand. It's not fair. It’s worse; it’s heart breaking. Only you know what you can and cannot live with, but listen to us right now…you deserve to live a happy, anxiety free life. We are going to help you get there.

Protect yourself with the Shield and Fight with the Sword
Come on girlfriend! It is time for the abuse to end and for you to take the next step. Enough is enough! Now you need to find a lawyer. The number one way we, and 91% of our girlfriends, chose an attorney was through a referral from a friend. Do your homework. It will save you money and time. The more you understand, the less the lawyer will have to explain and that will save time and for lawyers, time = money! Several of our girlfriends said that they used their divorce lawyer as a friend, as a therapist, counselor and criminal attorney. I’m sure your attorney cares and was sympathetic about the abuse and is glad that you see the light. Needless to say, our girlfriends spent too much $$$ money because they re-hashed all of the sordid details to their lawyer.

Before you meet with the attorney, rehearse what you want to discuss.
Go over it in your head or better yet write it down so you don’t waste time
(and money) being emotional and scattered during your meeting.


Welcome to Dysfunction Junction: An Alarming Marriage Pattern – Is This You?
Let’s look at a common marriage pattern that our girlfriends have been through – maybe it is you, too. It typically starts with a swift sense of elation! It is a “marriage made in heaven." “It is meant to be." "Everyone says he is so great; isn’t he just the best?” These women are usually very successful and they see their man as being “charming, bright and funny.” Then there are some hints that something is not right – he starts with a little verbal abuse and tries to exert a little extra control over her life. Then our girlfriends, confused by this, start to question this personality shift. He retaliates by swearing at her and calling her names. How dare she question him? He knows what's best for her. Then his rage begins to surface concerning insignificant incidents like forgetting to send his mother a birthday card. Or not laughing at his jokes when they were out with another couple. He exerts more force and more control. She begins to make excuses and finds ways to just keep the peace.

"My Ex exerted control over me by bending all my credit cards, tearing up any business cards with men’s names on them, and would read through all my text messages and caller-id’s daily. I wasn't allowed to password protect my company laptop because if it was, that obviously meant I was cheating and hiding evidence of an affair. His laptop and phone were both blocked and I had no access 'because it was company policy." – Lydia, 30

"I convinced myself that he loved me so much that he didn't want any other men in my life to tempt me. I thought it was sweet and caring. I didn't understand that it was control." – Cheri, 52

"I was puzzled by how quickly he changed after we were married. I thought, 'Oh well; he is challenging and has some problems, but I can fix it and make him better.’” – Parker, 38


"An abuser makes you hurt on the inside, in your soul,
not just on the bruised parts – that is how you know it is abuse."


Then the physical abuse starts. Some girlfriends were physically restrained and threatened. Some had their hair yanked and ripped out. Some had their throats choked. Some were smothered with pillows. Some were thrown into walls or down stairs. Some were punched. Some were pushed onto concrete floors. Some were grabbed and shaken violently, and heard their mate utter through clenched teeth, “I will kill you if you tell your family, my family, and friends or call the police”. Sometimes there were bruises, gashes and blood. Sometimes they needed stitches. Sometimes they just wore long sleeved blouses in July to cover the physical damage. They picked themselves up off the kitchen floor and continued to make the kids' lunches and sign the homework papers. He's just stressed.
Our girlfriends learned to quickly dismiss the bad episodes as soon as he said, “I’m so sorry, Babe. I mean it! It will never happen again. (He reaches out to smooth her hair that is hanging over her downcast eyes). You know I love you. You know I would never hurt you. I just...went crazy for a minute.” Ah. It's over. He's really sorry. And she smiles. Blissfully peaceful times enveloped their marriage and he is the perfect man again.
But what happened next caught our girlfriends off guard. The "episode" would happen again. And again. The entire destructive cycle and pattern of behavior would start over, but the next time it was worse; and the time after that was even worse. It is a definite pattern and when you are in it, it is so difficult to see. Our girlfriends' tolerance to the abuse got higher and higher. Again, you can’t see it when you are in the middle of it. They say you can't see the forest for the trees. When you are inside an abusive relationship, especially an emotionally abusive one, you begin to believe that this dance you do is normal. And once you are out, once you are standing in a sunny clearing and can clearly see each tree in the forest line, only then can you begin to heal yourself from the hell that you pretended was an acceptable existence.

"As I was crying and crouched on the floor after he hit me, he said, "And next time, you’ll really be sorry." – Ava, 42

"He has never physically abused my daughter but he does talk down to her. He has tried to fight my oldest son but I got between them which ended up with him choking me…it was a mess. And he has mentally abused both my boys constantly putting them down and telling them what a piece of crap they are. He would beat the crap out of his kids with a belt up to the age of 15. I would have to leave because if I said anything he would come after me. He is a military guy who thinks he can order you around and if you don’t listen you should be disciplined. It is his way or no way…just like the lifestyle he wanted…if I didn’t give in and do it he say he could never be happy…what an ass! And of course it was my fault that he would hit or choke me because of whatever I had done to piss him off…I was not supposed to piss him off…again what a good man!"

"After he hit me, I started crying not so much because the hitting hurt but because I was so shocked he did it. It felt like my heart was crying. Then what he said next was worse. He said, "next time I'll really give you something to cry about". – Kimberly, 28


“My ex-husband has scar on his chest that is an outline of his father’s shoe. It was so difficult to imagine a father hurting his own son. I thought I could help my ex-husband and fix him. History repeated itself.” – Tricia, 41

Our girlfriends found the strength to leave their abusive relationships. Thank Goodness! Months of abuse (sometimes years) and being controlled left our girlfriends drained, exhausted emotional wrecks. It was hard for them to work. Quite a few lost their jobs. Some found it impossible to manage day-to-day tasks like going to the grocery store, picking up the kids at school, remembering clothes for the soccer game, or making dinner. They would question their own judgment regarding almost everything. Our abused girlfriends describe the feeling as if they were walking on egg shells wearing golf shoes. They were completely afraid to move. They said the smallest sound; a knock on a door, someone tapping them on the shoulder or calling their name from across the parking lot would make them jump out of their skin.

"Looking back, now it seems like I was living someone else's life. I remember running from my house at 10:00 pm, into the pitch black snowy February night to a police officers house and standing there next to his car, heart pounding. Frozen with fear; I couldn't make myself walk up to his front door and ask him to shelter me from the beatings. I couldn't go back home. I was embarrassed, afraid, confused, shivering; and I finally went home. Four months later, that same police officer responded to my 911 call." – Leslie, 25

The Domestic Violence Crisis Center reports that abused women have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Living through domestic violence can have a gigantic impact on our life. Most of our girlfriends still look over their shoulder all the time. They check their rear view mirrors as they drive, pull their cars into the garage and shut the garage door before they get out of their car. They triple check locks on their doors, even in the daytime. They carry pepper spray and have several cans strategically placed through their homes. They carry their car keys with them so that they can hit the “panic” button to set off the alarm if they need to. They have a baseball bat or golf club by the front door.

Most police officers will not arrest an abuser unless they witness violence or witness
the threats. – Chief John Guard, IV, Chief of Community Operations,
Pitt County, NC Sheriff’s Office


"I once called the police, but after they arrived I backed down and lied to them. I said he had not hit me yet but that I was afraid of him. They just talked to us and left. Also during our marriage counseling he admitted to choking me and the counselor turned him in to the military police. They made him go to the anger management counseling. I was terrified. For a year he kept throwing that up at me, threatening, but he was much better about being violent because he was afraid for his career." – Geranna, 34

There’s no emotion more powerful than love. But when love turns to fear, threats and isolation, it is time to get help. No matter how you define love, the definition does not include the word fear.

Does someone you love:
• Call you names, put you down?
• Grab, slap, kick you or pull your hair?
• Threaten to hurt you or your children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

In case of emergency or if you need to leave in a hurry, keep the following items in a safe and accessible place:
• Money and checkbook
• Extra set of keys
• Personal identification
• Marriage license
• Birth certificates, social security cards and citizenship documentation for you and
your children

Stress – finding it hard to cope during the day and sleep at night?
Abuse creates more stress than you may realize and it is rampant in the United States. Aside from turning our home life into a game of pick-up-sticks, costing a fortune, taking time and nights of much needed sleep ...yep...emotional stress takes a drastic toll on our bodies!
The stress response creates a set of changes in our body that occur whenever we are faced with a threatening situation. Confronted by a threat – physical or emotional, real or imagined – the brain causes the nervous system to release hormones into the body. The following happens as we begin to experience stress in our bodies:
• Metabolism goes up
• Heart rate goes up
• Blood pressure goes up
• Breathing rate goes up
• Muscle tension goes up

As we begin to live with this stress over days, weeks, and months it may begin to manifest in our bodies as the following:
• headaches
• stomach and digestion problems
• sweaty or cold hands
• sleep problems
• muscle pain and aches
• teeth grinding
• over eating and under eating
• crying
• anxiety
• anger
• loneliness
• confusion and inability to focus
• forgetfulness
• indecisiveness
• suicidal thoughts
• mood swings
• self-doubt
• compulsion towards drug use, excessive alcohol intake, smoking
Unless you take immediate steps to control your body's reaction to stress, the long-term effects of the stress response may lead to permanent, harmful changes in your body. So now that we know all of that and we probably already knew that – it serves as a good reminder! You know that you need to RELAX! Physically, emotionally, and mentally RELAX! A few tips our girlfriends used: Yoga (any flavor will do and some girlfriends really liked Hot Yoga), meditation (our girlfriends liked to go to group meditations at the local YMCA or churches), breathing (count, focus on s-l-o-w-l-y inhaling and s-l-o-w-l-y exhaling in your car, in the pick-up line at school, at the grocery store), prayer (let go and let God), walking, intense aerobic activity (some of our girlfriends loved kickboxing and martial arts)!
We know we are relaxed when we begin to feel: more at peace, energetic, self-accepting, happier throughout the day, less preoccupied with the past and future, free from obsessive and compulsive worrying, feeling less anxious, our concentration improves and zzzzzzz we finally begin to sleep better!
Girlfriends, we are with you. We’ve been there. If we made our way out of abuse, you can too. Our hearts are breaking for you and we want you to know that you can and you will live through this. It is abuse and it is a pattern. Come on, you can make it! Begin today to pull yourself up, make a plan, and take a stand.


Chapter 9 Checklist: Abuse – Signs, stereotypes and solutions for escaping it

___ Did you recognize your Ex in any of the descriptions of abuse? Which types of abusive behavior sounded familiar to you?
___ If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please contact your local Domestic Violence Crisis Center and take advantage of their information and materials. Most centers offer a free counseling session.
___ I have been open and honest with at least one other friend or, confidante about my abusive situation and expressed concern about being abused.
___ Check here and say, “I have chosen to stand up for MYSELF and I am no longer a victim!”
___ Check here if you have determined a safe place for you and your children to escape to any time of the day or night should your abusive situation continue or escalate.
___ Put a big fat X here if you have this number programmed into your cell phone: The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (0000)
(www.TheHotline.org)
___ Suggested Reading: The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker
The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus The Rest of Us, Martha Stout
Why Does He Do That?: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft


CHAPTER 10
Working the System – Tips from the trenches of an assault trial
One of our main areas of focus is abusive relationships. Unfortunately 98% of our girlfriends surveyed have been abused. We find it necessary to dedicate an entire chapter to The System. By The System we mean the police, the courts, and the government funded local domestic violence groups that vow to serve and protect…us! Yes, you and me! We want you to know how to work within The System – what to anticipate when dealing with the business of the law.
Surviving The System isn’t exactly a walk in the park. It is worse than a trip to the DMV, more confusing than doing your taxes, more of a hassle than dealing with medical insurance; however, you will be better for it when it is over. Decide that you deserve to be heard. Decide that you will not be swept under the rug. Decide that you will set your goals and stick to them! Now stay with it! Stick with it! We’ll say it again. If you want justice, stick with it!
So we’ll skip the nasty bits (bruises, blood, broken teeth and bones, etc.) and
start with the fact that you’ve been abused and the police were called in either by you, a family member, or a neighbor who reported the incident. Did you know that national statistics report that 3 out of every 4 people know someone who has been a victim of domestic violence? Yes, our girlfriends were bruised, bloodied, strangled and had their heads cracked open on concrete floors by their intimate partners. It breaks our hearts to realize how many women have had these horrible experiences served up to them by their husbands.

Are victims safer after leaving a batterer?
Short run = more dangerous
Long run = it is less dangerous

- Chief John Guard, IV
Chief of Community Operations,
Pitt County, NC Sheriff’s Office


Living through a criminal trial is really pretty hellish. I mean, your HUSBAND freaked out and beat you up! What the...? Surreal, we know! There is going to be so much information coming at you very quickly. “HOW many more court dates do I have?" "What happens next?" and “How am I supposed to co-parent though a restraining order?” What is the difference between a Restraining Order and a Protective Order? Suddenly you will be inundated with all this random, time-sensitive legal jargon – as if you weren’t already having fun wading through a separation – and you are expected to comprehend what is happening, take action and still hold down your job, make cupcakes for the 4th grade bake sale and go to that baby shower for the woman who leads the Sunday School class!

Just another crappy day at the courthouse:
“Wait! What can I take through the metal detectors at the courthouse?
I forgot. No! Don’t take my pepper spray AGAIN!”

“I was so nervous that I was shaking but I parked the car and walked up to the courthouse, emptied my pockets, showed them the inside of my bags and because my phone takes photos, I could not bring it in. Add one more layer of stress. I had to walk back outside, back to the parking lot, run into my soon to be ex-in-laws all to put my phone in the car. I thought I was going to get sick.” – Sandra, 42

Okay, let's back up a minute. Here is how a typical domestic violence incident (*please note, this varies state to state) goes down:
First, your husband snaps and goes Ninja or maybe Psycho on you. You are stunned! You are afraid for your life. You are trying to protect yourself. You are trying to protect the kids. "Oh No! This is not happening to ME!"
A call to 911 is made; they ask for your name, address and an assessment of what is going on (try to be calm and very descriptive, but don't worry they are accustomed to the crying, stammering and the “Oh No’s!”)

The police will either show up at your home or you will go to the police station. Do it! File the damn report! Don't be too proud to get this on record. Remember that Christmas Eve 911 call with the beautiful Mrs. Charlie Sheen screaming into the receiver at the 911 Operator, "I have to file a report! I have to file a report this time!”? Don’t be proud or stupid. File the report!
You will be asked to write out an Incident Report in great detail immediately after the incident. This is crazy difficult. Your mind is a million places and you are trying to recount the play-by-play. Take your time. Replay every nano-second in your mind.

“I remember sitting at my kitchen table, trying to write the police report. I couldn’t stop shaking. I don’t know whose handwriting was coming from my pencil. The police were walking in and out of my house while I sat there in my flannel pajamas. I couldn’t think to write anymore. I was afraid to write down what really happened. I was so embarrassed. I finally got it written down and it took three pages. Then I tried to calm down and take my mind off of all of the police in my house so I started cleaning up the mess from my husband's violence, until an officer said “Ma’am. You have to stop that cleaning. You are disturbing the evidence. It was like I woke up in a TV movie” – Myra, 37

TAKE YOUR TIME and get all the specifics in. The police will wait for you. Don't rush. Use all your best adjectives. The details do matter - the more the better. Don’t worry about your grammar and punctuation! Don’t worry about writing in complete sentences. Just let the details flow and get it all down as soon after the incident as possible. The police will have a witness sign a copy of the report when you are finished. Keep a copy of this. This document is extremely important.
Ask for the name of the officer who is taking your report. Get his business card. Ask him/her what the next step is. If they are in a helpful mood, ask about the entire process and take notes if you can. One of our girlfriends stayed up until 3:30 am with a police officer because he was willing to help and explain the system. Take advantage when situations of kindness present themselves.
Our girlfriends have met with hundreds of police officers, social workers, detectives and court employees who were helpful, polite, and extremely informative; but also some who were rude and unsympathetic. Remember, you need them on your side so don't get flustered if these civil servants aren't always so nice to you. They have difficult jobs. Don’t get discouraged when you hit a dead end. Find another way around The System. Keep it up and you will find the awesome civil servants who will stick their neck out to help you. Ultimately they serve, protect, and work for us. We've met some officers and detectives who were beaten down by the system but remember it is not you! Stick with it!

* This varies state by state so please keep in mind that we are trying to provide you with a general overview.

Usually, the next business day after a domestic violence incident, the courts will call and they will let you know that you have been issued a Protective Order and there may be domestic violence services available if you need them. Again, the process is different from state to state. In some states you will be required to go to the courthouse after the incident to request Protective and Restraining Orders. Ask the police officer or call your local domestic violence protection organization. They will have all the answers for you.
“What does this protective order protect me from exactly?” The Protective Order looks like a boring legal document, but it has specific information outlined by a judge that lets your cutie-pie know that he cannot call you. He cannot visit you. He cannot drive past your house 20 times. He cannot happen to be at the grocery store the same time you are and fun things like that. Depending on the severity of his actions this order may be very, very restrictive. If you have children with that bully, be sure to ask your attorney, or who ever is advising you legally, how you will co-parent through the Protective Order. Make sure there is language in the order regarding whether or not you will allow your spouse to pick up the kids from school. How and where will they visit their dad? If it is against constraints of the Protective Order for him to call you, how will the kids be able to talk to him on the phone? You will be overwhelmed and stressed but take time to ask the right people pertinent questions about the rules and regs of this Protective Order. Going back later to fix it is not an easy option.
The police will probably call and tell you that your till’-death-do-you-part-honey will be arrested (unless he already has been). Bail will be set and then he will probably post it and get out. Ugh! Girl, we know you will be afraid. Most girlfriends advise you to be prepared because your man will probably try to come after you again (you stupid, insolent girl!) This is your cue to get a clue and extricate this jerk from your life A.S.A.P! Remember most abusive men, abuse again. It is a pattern and that is why they call it the Cycle of Abuse. (See Chapter 9 Abuse)
Next, the judge will set your court date and be prepared – all of our girlfriends had their court date “continued”. This means that it was postponed and dragged out a month or so. Aurgh! It stinks! Often it was postponed again and again, sometimes for over a year. The fun just keeps on coming, huh? We know you want it over. There are so many domestic violence cases that the courts have to deal with. Welcome to our American judicial system also known as Cirque Du Soooo Long!
Print and keep all email correspondence between you and the courts, the police, the District Attorney, and your Sugar Boy's lawyer, if he has one. (One of our girlfriends said her Ex was so arrogant and self-righteous he was determined to represent himself at his own criminal trial. Way to go hubby! The judge told him to leave and come back with a lawyer.) Information is coming at you very quickly now and you need to keep track of it!
“There was so much paperwork to manage during the court proceedings! I bought a plastic accordion file organizer and kept it in my car with me at all times. I took it to every meeting with my attorney and every time I set foot in the courthouse.” – Brenna, 41
We are amazed by how often pertinent documents and reports are misplaced by The System. This is happening to you, so YOU need to manage the entire process. Like we said before, the courts are busy and they have hundreds of people just like you to deal with so you need to be proactive.

“The police lost their copies of my protective orders and asked ME if they could make a copy of my documents!” – Anita, 40

“The District Attorney said that he had received the statements from the police and signed off on a Protective Order but that was 3 weeks ago. I was left unprotected. No one could find any of the documents. How did they all get lost? I had to hurry and make copies of everything and drive to the court house to deliver them in person.” – Jillian, 34

“I had to involve Immigration because my husband was not from this country. It added another dimension to The System for me. I had to keep giving copies of the Police and Court documents to Immigration Control and Enforcement (ICE) and vice versa.” – Sara, 41

Your assault case is not the only one on the docket. Unfortunately, the District Attorney and Assistant District Attorney have hundreds of abusive and criminal husbands to throw the book at each day. It is up to you to communicate with them clearly and often.
“I was calling the District Attorney’s office, the detective and the police officers involved in my case so often they began to recognize my voice when they heard me on the phone!” – Sally, 35
Make yourself heard. Do not get lost in the shuffle. It is their job to represent and assist you, but they are extremely busy. After going through the hellish confusion of a criminal trial for months on end, we certainly respect them – and we do NOT envy their stressful jobs!


Assault/criminal trials are not speedy. They are a huge waste of time and a pain in your psyche for months on end. Steel your nerves then just spin up some Dixie Chicks on your iPod and sing “Goodbye Earl” at the top of your lungs as you drive to the courthouse one more time!

After months and months, the trial is finally here. You have been guided by the Domestic Violence Department on what to expect. You have been advised by the Assistant District Attorney and sometimes the District Attorney, and coached by your own lawyer (if needed). You are ready for more sneaky out of left field tactics your Honey Bunch might try to pull as a last ditch effort to get you back into his lair and into his life. The trial begins and the police file in and take the witness stand. Other witnesses to the case take the stand and finally you are on the witness stand. When you are on the witness stand, you will need to look at your little Jail Bird to accurately identify him. Look that piece of work in the eye, stare him down and do not let him see you sweat. Stick to the facts of the incident. Show no emotion. This is not Community Theater. Let your husband figure that one out for himself!

“My Ex broke into my house and assaulted me. When we finally got to the criminal trial, I was astounded at the nauseating act my Ex put on when he took the stand! You would have thought I had kept him chained to a pole in the basement for the last 10 years! He tried to pull this whole pathetic, unloved husband act. Then the police and witnesses took the stand. The judge saw right through my Ex.” –Ellie, 45
Be brief and you’ll be fine. The judge will make a decision and we are certain justice will be served in your favor. For some of our girlfriends, their handsome honey is now sporting an oh-so-attractive orange jumpsuit in jail. No shoelaces. No Calvin Klein boxers. So sorry, darling.
After the trial, the District Attorney will tell you about the sentencing. There are several possibilities depending on the severity of his offense. Possibly it will just be mandatory community service and anger management classes. Grrrr! A mere hand slap at best! You will know whether the offenses will be excused or whether they will be on his permanent record. For example, Assault on a Female is a felony offense. If it remains on his public record it won’t keep him off Match.com or deny him membership at the local gym, but it certainly makes him less desirable to employers when they run that little background check. Shame on you, you mean thing! The sentence may involve jail time and oh, yeah, when exactly is he eligible for probation? Find out!

***move this box to “Kids & Custody” ***
3.3 – 4.3 million children are reported to have been witness to domestic violence, but estimates are as high as 25 million.
- Chief John Guard, IV
Chief of Community Operations,
Pitt County, NC Sheriff’s Office ***move this box to “Kids & Custody” ***


Hmm, that is pretty staggering when you consider what little sponges
our kids’ brains are, isn’t it?

We are proper ladies who know good etiquette. Be sure to send old-fashioned hand written Thank You notes to the District Attorney, Assistant District Attorney, your contact in the Domestic Violence Department, the Chief of Police and specific police officers who helped you. They have tough jobs and we respect the really good ones who rise above the others to help us! Your momma will be so proud of your good manners.
If a trip to the Lock-and-Key Resort (Jail) is the next step for your man, (also known as adult detention), your court representative will call and tell you where he is being held. They will give you his own personal inmate number to keep under your pillow at night– aw, sweetie! At this point they will ask if you want to keep track of him, if they should relocate him and any other possible activity. You will typically need to fill out a form, sign it and mail it to them so you will be notified of his future whereabouts and release date.

More Tips on Making The System Work for You
“My Ex was a repeat offender. I ended up the proud owner of eight 3” ring binders full of Restraining Orders, court date notices, police reports, notes, evidence, you name it. Get organized. You will be glad you did.”

“My Ex was an immigrant and I had to deal with ICE and Immigration. Be proactive and make copies of all police reports and other information to provide to Immigration because they will request it.” – Sue, 46

“The crème de la crème of my separation, divorce and criminal trial was realizing that my Ex was a sociopath thus his behavior will be extremely unpredictable and always methodical and frightening. Google ‘sociopath’ and ‘extreme narcissism’. Research the character traits. Theses two personality types are more common that you think. If you know what signs to look for, you can begin to detect patterns and learn to better protect yourself.” – Jo, 54

Many of our girlfriends had difficulty with certain aspects of The System, for example: policemen talking down to them, ignoring them, or not following up with them as promised. So what did the girlfriends do? They went above that the officer’s head. They went to the top, to the Chief of Police. Caution: some of our girlfriends were even warned and threatened their pulling rank would upset “certain people” and that it might make some of the civil servants on our case a lot less apt to “serve and protect” us. Thankfully this is a rare occurrence but nevertheless the truth.
We do have to report that some of our girlfriends had to go one step further in order to have justice served. Do not be afraid to be heard. The System is put in place to protect you so learn how to make it work to help you. Justice will be served if you are willing to stay the course.

Tips for Partnering with the Police
• Just the facts, ma’am
• Be polite and respectful
• Ask questions. If you don’t know…ask until you understand
• Take notes
• Get copies of any and all documents that are generated during this process. (Your Incident Report, the Police Report, the Sentencing Report, Restraining Orders or Protective Orders, etc.)
• Follow all of their procedures…read below

How do you find out whom to ask? Look them up! No excuses when there is the power of the Internet and Google, baby! If the police ask you to follow up with something, follow up. If you follow up and can’t get anyone to help you by phone, then go to the local police station. If you continue to get ignored, go to the Chief of Police. If the Chief of Police ignores you, go to your state assemblymen, congressmen and senators. How do you find out whom to ask? Look them up! No excuses when there is the power of the Internet and Google, baby! Send your representatives snail mail letters (keep a copy for yourself). Make a phone call confirming the address. You may even be lucky enough to talk with your representative and they may have some immediate ideas to help you - some our girlfriends experienced this. Send a copy of the same letter to them via email, as well. Print a copy for your files.
If you hadn’t guessed by now, you will need a big file box (Walmart has some really fun colored plastic ones!) and quite a few file folders to store documents, reports, statements, forms, business cards, from police officers, detectives, state representatives, court correspondence, domestic violence information, district attorney information, state senators letters, drug enforcement information, immigration documentation, fraud investigators reports, marriage counselors articles and information – you get the idea.
Keep a daily journal of this freaking freak show because this is now your life, at least for a short time, sweetie. If you write down what happens when it is happening to you, you have covered yourself. Don't forget to add dates and times. Most of our girlfriends were grateful that they did this because they did need and used almost all of this information in the future. (A couple of our girlfriends did not do this and they are still regretting it!) You never know what piece of information you might need later. A note, a letter, a phone record…something that seemed irrelevant at the time might end up being requested by an Assistant District Attorney 8.5 months from now and you will be Johnny-on-the-spot with it!
“The trial was over two years ago and I just got a call from the courthouse asking for a copy of paperwork because they could not find something. Luckily, I kept all of my paperwork neat and organized and I was able to fax it within a few minutes.” – Penelope, 48

What about using your divorce lawyer for the domestic violence trial?
Well, if your husband assaults you or he assaults you while you are going through a separation or divorce, you may get advice from your divorce attorney. However, they practice divorce law and not criminal law and thus will not be able represent you in a criminal trial. If it does go to court – the District Attorney (or Assistant D.A.) will help you for free. Free sounds nice right about now, but there is a good side and a bad side to the District Attorney or Assistant District Attorney representation.
First the positive side: the District Attorney (or Assistant DA) will represent you and the court proceedings will be free, or in other words…at no cost to you! Since your spouse is the one in trouble “with the law” he will be the one paying for a criminal attorney to represent him. He is now being charged with assault on a female, a felony, so he needs the criminal attorney. (We just want to go on record, your Honor and state that we are extremely grateful to the kindly police detectives who took the time to explain this and a whole lot more about the system to us during our Oh-My-Gosh-What-Is-Happening moments! There truly are angels among us!)
Now the flip side: The District Attorney and Assistant District Attorney have many, many cases just like yours. If you keep your wits about you, stay organized and stay on top of everyone, you will fare okay; but we have to be honest, it is going to be very frustrating at times vying for their attention. If you have the coins, the connections and if your case is more severe than you wish to leave up to the free legal eagles, then we suggest you hire a criminal attorney.
We know this is a lot of information to process. After our legal ordeals were over we felt as if we had received a graduate degree on working The System. None of it was pleasant. Not one minute of it, but we are absolutely smarter for having lived through it. Your taxpayer dollars are funding these legal services for you, to protect you, so do not hesitate to use them. Remember what we said - stick with it! Our main concern is that you are now safe and protected!


Chapter 10 Checklist: Working the System –
Tips from the Trenches of an Assault Trial


___ Begin a log and keep notes of every conversation and visit with the police.
___ Begin a file and keep copies of all police reports.
___ Take all files and paperwork with you each time you meet with the District Attorney, Assistant District Attorney and other court representatives.
___ Trust yourself. Be calm and be professional.
___ Take a calm and supportive friend or family member with you to hearings and court dates.
___ If you are confused or don’t understand a process, ruling, document, legal lingo ASK QUESTIONS UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND FULLY!
___ Don’t take your kids to court with you (unless mandated by the authorities).


CHAPTER 11
Parting Wisdom – Hindsight really is 20/20
We could fill an entire book with the lessons that we learned. Overall, our girlfriends have come through their ordeals with a very positive out look on their future and an empowered sense of accomplishment for surviving their past. We have collected our girlfriends’ reflections and divided them into the good, and the bad and the ugly. We like to get the worst over first, so let’s begin with the bad and the ugly lessons learned.
If you are in the thick of it right now, or if you are still contemplating seeking a divorce, we know the future is daunting. If you are currently in that miserable place we realize that you may be hesitant to read this section under the belief that what you don’t know won’t hurt you. You can wear those Bedazzled blinders for a while. Let us know how that works out for you! Meanwhile, we are still here to encourage you to face your fears.


Barriers to leaving your partner
• Low self-esteem • Promises of change
• Hope that situation will change • Lack of money
• Feeling powerless • Denial
• Lack of housing/shelter • Family preservation
• Lack of legal services • Fear
• Fear of never being “loved” again • Lack of job
• Fear of judgement from others • Fear of increased abuse

We know that you might be afraid. This is a big deal! Now you have more information to help you evaluate your relationship and your desire to end it. Remember, you have a wealth of great insight and advice right here in front of you. Our girlfriends shared their trials and tribulations because they want to help you avoid some of the agony, heartache and expense that they endured. Ultimately, we learn from our mistakes – we know you’ll agree. These experiences have enabled us to grow, mature and come out so far ahead of where we were. We believe the bad experiences are the ones from which you learn the most. (We also believe that karma burns, so watch out Evil Ex! Your day in the hot seat is coming!) Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is easy to say that from where we are now, but remember we were EXACTLY where you are right now.
If We Only Knew Then What We Know Now: Girlfriends Share Their Lessons Learned
“You never truly know a man until you try to divorce him.”
“You have got to stop making excuses for him. At this point he is all business!”
“One day you will stop crying. You will eat again; and when all is said and done, your breathing will return to normal.” – Paula, 52
“DO NOT ‘negotiate’ your children. Think carefully about what your REAL bottom line is regarding your children, and make SURE it is based on their best interests. There is no more ‘you and him’ – it’s ALL about the kids at this point.” – Liz, 60
“Your spouse can’t continue to jerk you around if you just let go of the rope. My rule is “never let them see you sweat.” The more he keeps throwing that rope at you, trying to engage you in some kind of drama, the more determined you need to be to just let that rope lie there. In these types of situations, no response is often the best response.” – Rhonda, 49
“Remember, when this is all over - and it WILL eventually be all over – you’re going to have to look in the mirror and live with the person staring back at you. Hopefully you’ll have an enormous amount of self respect and you’ll be proud you didn’t give up in the fight!” – Gail, 61
“Document everything, every day, who said what, what time, keep a log. It was amazing how many times I had to go back to the log …over and over.” – Sally, 54
“Find the best sitter with a driver’s license and First Aid (Red Cross) certification immediately. You have to have help with your children, preferably someone not involved with this situation so they cannot talk about it.” – Mandy, 42
“If you have been in a controlling relationship, learn to become the Ice Queen. Your Ex has conditioned certain responses from you over the years. Reprogram yourself. Sometimes it’s easier to simply show no emotion if you have to be around him. Who cares if he thinks that you are a bitch? Not falling back into the same controlled dance you have for so long will be the first step in your gaining back your emotional control. Your ability to make choices without fear of retribution and punishment from him will help you move on.” – Jacqui, 39
“Don't kid yourself, bad boys really do exist. If you are attracted to the bad boy types…they really are bad boys so don’t expect them to be nice to you or expect them to be committed to your relationship. It is all about them and you are a play thing - just fun to have around on THEIR terms. They might be cute, handsome, silly, hilarious, and adventurous and push you to that thrilling edge you are addicted to. You might be with them for the excitement and laughter but girls, later on the fun stops being fun. They DON’T care about you, and they've memorized the right words to say so that you think they are into you. Only notice their actions and ignore what they say to you! Actions speak louder than words. When you only look at his actions, it will be over pretty fast!” – Cheryl, 36

“People don’t change unless they have a desire to change. They must come to this decision all on their own. They must want to do it. You cannot simply want it for them and make it so. They may try for a short period of time because you might be pushing or hounding them. They might pretend to try so that you will stay with them or come back if you left. Oh, by the way girls, when he says he is "trying", notice that the huge red flag that starts flying in your face because if he was serious he would "do" not "try". Watch after all of the "trying" he will revert back to who he really is every single time.” – Peggi, 47

“Be involved in your family’s finances. Know where all your money is, what accounts, the access codes, etc. Communicate all financial matters, insurance, savings retirement, etc. You do not want to be a kept woman. That only works in fairy tales…and usually that chick ends up locked in the tower!” – Stacy, 43
“Speak up when things are going well and when they aren’t going well. You have a voice in this marriage too! Don’t be a silent wife and “bear the burden.” – Holly, 37
“Get good legal advice, no matter how amicable the situation. You don’t have to pursue all legal avenues, but you should at least be aware of your rights and obligations very early in the process of separation. No matter how well you think you get along and how easy you think the divorce process will be, it is money and time well spent to have at least one consultation with an attorney before you even bring up the possibility of separation with your spouse.”
– Lynne, 58
“New brides: hope for the best but plan for the worst. If you even think there’s a chance your marriage will never end in divorce put together a financial plan to be smart and protect yourself. Most women who have done this are still happily married.”
– Isabella, 76
“See a therapist or counselor – STAT! Therapy will give you a safe place to work through your thoughts and feelings and to receive objective feedback. Divorce is very stressful, and you may experience anxiety and/or depression—seeing a therapist will help manage your emotional health and give you a support system to face the issues in your divorce. My therapist also said that most people repeat patterns in future relationships—another reason to see a therapist to avoid future relationship failures. (Don’t pick a therapist or counselor from a phone book or insurance provider list—do your homework and find out who’s good. Therapists vary as much as any professional.)”
– Robin, 30
“You can’t reason with an idiot and you can’t control anyone or anything but yourself, so don’t try.” – Joy, 67
“When he says, ‘I’ll never do it again, I am so sorry, I love you, etc.’”… and he says it AGAIN and AGAIN after he does it AGAIN and AGAIN...that is a part of the pattern! Break the pattern! The above sentences are word for word in every text book about abuse. It is 100% a part of the pattern of abusers. Do not believe him! Take your emotion out of it and realize it is a part of the manipulation and control.”
– Rosalynn, 42
“There is no excuse for abuse! It is never ok to abuse or betray. Never. Ever.”
– Johnna, 33
“I finally came to terms with it. I asked myself if there was ANYTHING he could possibly say or do that would cause me to change my mind. When I knew in my heart that the answer would always be ‘NO’, I knew it was over. I was done.” – Camille, 38
“Get through it as quickly as possible.”
– Darlene, 26
“Be reasonable but don’t give up everything just to get it over with. Sometimes it’s fair when both parties walk away from the table not feeling good. Divorce isn’t really supposed to feel good.”
– Stella, 66
“Don't ever talk badly about the spouse to your children. They hear and understand more than we give them credit for and we are their foundation. It's not their burden to bear. I had to deal with the consequences when they accidently overheard a conversation to the lawyer. I thought they were outside playing but in fact they were hiding under the counter listening. My gut said to check up on them and I didn’t. I have to remind myself of this constantly and trust me it's hard as hell!”
– Kendall, 32
“Keep the kids’ best interests in the forefront. Clearly state your bottom line position to your Ex and don’t deviate from it without darn good cause. An absolutely consistent message to your Ex regarding what you are willing and not willing to agree to regarding the children will save you a ton of time, anguish and legal fees!”
– Candace, 36
“Drive Carefully and find an excellent mechanic right away, hubby isn’t there to pick you up when you break down.”
– Deborah, 53

“If your gut says something is amiss…find out. Investigate everything about your husband, the man he is when he is away from you, his online personality, who he is at work, and on business trips. Read his emails, letters, phone records, and credit card bills. He is your husband. An honest partner has nothing to hide.” – Marsha, 51
“If you catch him in lies and shady behavior, you have the choice to give him the chance to reform or to leave. Please understand that it takes 9 – 12 months to change patterns in behavior and habits. He cannot do it in 5 – 10 days! Read the statistics on women who take the man back, you will see that, more often than not, it does not work! I took him back again and again and believed that he would change. Well, he did not change, things got worse and I was just the fool who loved him.”
– Ella, 52
“Hire an attorney immediately. Borrow money or do whatever you have to in order to fund it.”
– Chelsea, 42
“Be there for your children; no matter what. Don’t alienate your children from their father. Don’t say anything bad about your Ex in front of them. Don’t try to use your kids to get back at him. It will backfire on you. Your children will learn the truth on their own. You want them to respect themselves and respect women. Don’t give them reasons to question your motive. Your children’s well being is top priority; and that means to take care of yourself and love yourself.” – Delynn, 37

Listen to your gut. Plug into your intuition!
Call them animal instincts or a sixth sense, but you know exactly what we’re talking about. You have had that feeling that something was just not right. That inkling that you knew how something was going to play out but you didn’t know exactly HOW you could know it. Girlfriend, trust your gut. As Malcom Gladwell says in Blink, “The power of thinking without thinking. In the first two seconds of looking – in a single glance – they were able to understand more …than the team… was able to understand after fourteen months.” His book is full of countless examples of trusting your gut and what you pick up in those first two seconds before your mind starts processing and rationalizing and creating a story that may not be correct. We need you to learn to listen to your intuition, your gut, your true self, and it may save your life!
Here are a few examples -
"I was trying to eat dinner and I kept getting the feeling that I needed to close the garage door. I ignored the feeling. The garage door was always closed, right? Surely I had closed it when I came home. Well, in fact I hadn’t. Five minutes later my Ex burst into the house through the garage and assaulted me. Lesson learned.”
– Derinda, 27
"My intuition kept saying look in the trunk of his car. Go into the garage and look in the trunk. Well, I finally did and it was full of stolen high-end sporting goods, price tags hanging on every item. It turned out he was stealing from his employer and selling the goods on eBay."
– Jamie, 43
"I knew my husband was up to something and he kept telling me to prove it. Prove it! My gut gave me a huge nudge and I knew I had to install spy software for our computer. It opened up his secret world of lying, cheating and stealing. It was awful but at least I knew the truth."
– Megan, 35
"After we separated, I had an awful nagging feeling that my soon to be Ex husband was spying on me. I'd be home at night alone and would get this nagging feeling that he was creeping around outside and looking in the windows. Then the next day, I saw his footprints in the snow and noticed that in the front yard, the footprints were along the tree line so that they were semi-hidden. However, in the backyard and by the side of the house they were plainly visible. It was clear that someone (my Ex) was looking in my windows! I couldn't prove that it was him, so the police ignored my request for help. By the way, I had a Protective Order against him at the time, but it did little good. Then my neighbor caught him parked in front of the house. Still that wasn't enough cause because the police said I needed to have a photo of it. Finally I caught him, called 911 and they took him to jail–again."
– Donnette, 47

“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,
and one who has any faith in God should be
ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Bringing your new life into focus: You can do it!
Wow! That was some awesome advice from women who have walked through the fire and lived to tell! You can do it, too. We have faith in you! It’s time to take steps to take care of you–both mentally and physically– so that you come through this thing called divorce like the Phoenix rising from the ashes! It’s time for you to soar!

Think Positively!
Our girlfriends have some amazing affirmations to share with you! Write this on a piece of paper and tape it to your refrigerator, your calendar, your bathroom mirror! Come on! Get happy!
“There is life after divorce. There is love after divorce. There is life after divorce. There is love after divorce.” – Bonnie, 30 (We love this one! Repeat as often as necessary!)
“You are worthy of being loved.” – Leahanne, 40
“You are a smart and attractive person no matter what your age.” – Gail, 61
“Believe in yourself.” – Erika, 35
“Trust Yourself.” – Suzanne, 41
“Being alone is not nearly as bad as being made to feel worthless!” – Cheryl, 36
“Give up the need for approval!! Do not seek approval outside yourself.”
– Sharyn, 53
Do NOT blame yourself for actions and outcomes that you cannot control. We cannot control what others do, be can only control how we respond. You make your decisions. He makes his. Move forward.
“It will be over, the end will come. Keep going.” – Bridget, 26
“Every day you have a choice of being grateful for what you have or being mournful for what you’ve lost. How you feel is entirely up to you.” – Donna, 56
“There is never going to be a “win” for either of you in any argument with your spouse. There will never be meeting of the minds, or even any productive “discussions” about emotionally charged issues involved in separation/ divorce situations. Resist the temptation to fight until you make yourself heard. It’s futile.” – Maria, 44
“Don’t expect it to be easy – it’s not. Expect the worst, pray for the best, make your plan, put your head down and go until you reach the end. Someone once told me “Going through a divorce is like being in a car wreck every day for 2 years.” That’s pretty accurate, but I think they neglected to include that you may be wearing an emotional neck brace for another two! It takes time.” – Meg, 42
“I am the one who chose my husband. I take responsibility for myself and for my mistakes. I am very selective now, not in a paranoid way, I just pay close attention to peoples morals and values and integrity. Do they mean what they say and say what they mean? I look at that. So don't worry, follow these simple guidelines and you will never make the same mistake again.” –Naomi, 48

Do not be afraid.
We know you have every right to be afraid, but we are here to tell you that you can be strong. You can defeat your bully. You can turn a deaf ear to your mother-in-laws’ nasty comments. You can take control of this situation and make a wonderful new life for you…by your design.
“God does not give you more than you can handle.” – Kerry, 32
“Reach out to your family and friends. The feeling of failure is paralyzing and lonely.” – Debra, 42
“You CAN make it on your own after a long marriage.” – Brynn, 59
“I know it’s cliché, but that which does not kill us makes us stronger. I embrace the pain now because it helped make me who I am today and I wouldn’t take anything for the life I am blessed with now.” – Charlotte, 45
“Believe, believe, believe that it is the right thing for you, for him, and for your children. Life is too short to be married to someone who does nothing but hurt you.” – Connie, 57
But don’t be a sitting duck either…Protect Yourself.
Buy some pepper spray for your car, your home, to hang on your key chain, and keep some by your bed. Wasp and hornet spray, we just learned, will spray in a straight line for up to 30-feet and is debilitating if you aim it into your attacker’s eyes.

Give yourself some TLC.
Women have a difficult time processing the concept that they deserve to be happy. Many feel that deserving means being self-centered and that goes against the very fiber of a woman’s nature. No one can make you happy but you. You cannot truly make anyone else happy. You can only assist them in finding their own personal happiness. Therefore, darlings, you deserve to allow yourself to be happy. Part of finding your much deserved happiness is by taking care of you and making sure you get lots of personal tender loving care.
There will be days when the separation and divorce will try to consume you. You will feel beaten-down, exhausted, worthless, and confused. On days like these that are especially trying, you must remember to take care of yourself. The best way is to get physical. Take a walk, swim, do yoga, mow the grass! Get those endorphins flowing and you will find you stay on center a bit more easily.
Sometimes you will need to just slow down…and you need to treat your body and mind to that luxury as well! Meditate, take a long hot bath, nap in the chair on your front porch. Slow down so that you can think and recharge that super battery that drives you to make it through one more day.
Quiet time is good, but don’t (we mean it, don’t!) settle into a pattern of always being alone. There is safety and sanity in groups of happy people! Consider taking a kick boxing class, a cooking class, go to a shooting range–whatever makes you smile. Just be sure to stay plugged into your Personal Fan Club and get out of the house from time to time.
Warning, we know the medicinal qualities of a nice merlot after a nasty day in mediation. Do not seek amnesia in a bottle that will only make tomorrow not so pleasant when you have to face the day with another bout of the Wine Flue. Don’t drown your tears in alcohol or anything else. You know better!

Learn from your past and use it to rebuild your future.
Now it’s your turn to finally build the life you have been dreaming of. Getting past this first hurdle of divorce is like Dorothy’s first few steps on that yellow brick road. You’ll take short steps at first, as you gaze at the changing landscape around you. Then before you know it you’ll be skipping along that path with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. We’ll be waiting for you in Oz!
Follow this girlfriend’s advice and you will never make the same mistake again.
“It is very important to set appropriate personal boundaries with your husband, family, girlfriends, anybody.” We do NOT have A RIGHT to treat one another with cruelty. Be willing to set a healthy boundary at the risk of losing a friend for your own well-being, safety and for your kids. Some of your friends will not like you for setting up healthy boundaries. I guess they are not your friends after all. Huh?” – Marcy, 33
“I have learned so much! I am smarter. Keep going, take care of yourself, do your hobbies, cook for yourself, get together with friends – no matter how hard or exhausted you may be.” – Alyssa, 36
“What I remember most are the few days I got out, I taught fitness classes, I met with friends for dinner, enjoyed movies on the couch with my BFFS – the dark stuff is a blur now. It’s in the past. What I remember are my true and wonderful friends!” – Maggie, 43
“I don't know if divorce is ever easy, especially when there are children involved. I do believe that good can come out of any situation. I am grateful that I know my Ex's parents because they have been a wonderful part of our lives. I am also grateful that I was blessed to have a wonderful child that is wise beyond his years. So I guess, I would do it all again. That sounds stupid, but I would have missed out on a lot of great blessings, so much more to mention.” – Rhonda. 49
Wow! There you have it! You have just read some incredibly powerful wisdom from our girlfriends! We know the path you are on is a hard one (that is an understatement). We know you feel miserable right now, your stomach sour with the decisions you face. But you can do it. Take just a few of these "lessons learned” with you and you will begin to feel better, more positive and more empowered. Remember, it is your decision to choose what step will be next, and isn't that exciting? We know what a strong woman you are–even stronger since you first began reading this book. Harness the all the power and energy and wisdom you now possess. Listen to your heart and make your decision. If it means closing this chapter of your life, we know you can do it. The rest of your story is just waiting to be written and we know it will have a happy ending!
….whew….




Chapter 11 Checklist: Parting Wisdom – Hindsight really is 20/20

___ Review the list of Barriers to Leaving Your Partner. We know you are filled with anxiety. Make a list of things you can do to overcome your personal barriers.
___ List the top 3 examples of Parting Wisdom from our girlfriends’ that helped you the most:
1)_________________________________________________
2)_________________________________________________
3)_________________________________________________
___ Reward yourself for proactively researching the unknown, depressing, scary and tactical world of divorce. We suggest an invigorating walk, try a new hobby or take a class.
___ Suggested Reading: Our culture does not teach women to value themselves. Women are not taught self-approval and self-respect. We love you! Love yourself! If you are really stuck here, please pick up a copy of What You Think of Me Is None of My Business by Terry Cole-Whittaker. Check out the chapter, “The Power of Making a Decision” and watch for lots of light bulbs that go on in your noggin!
The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose and getting over Life’s Little Imperfections, Lucy Danizger & Catherine Birndorf, M.D.


CHAPTER 12
Reflections on our old life – Coming Full Circle
When we say full circle, we really mean full circle! Living through a separation and divorce (and criminal trial) it sometimes felt as if we were on a traffic circle, a roundabout, a Ferris wheel, or a merry-go-round. No matter how hard we screamed, we could not get off. We just had to simply ride it out as best we could and hold fast to the knowledge that one day it would all be over.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Thankfully living in the present
It is a bright sunny morning and we’re driving on the highway, Starbucks coffee in hand, singing along to songs on the radio. We are happy. No, I mean honestly happy! We’re looking at the flowers that just began to bloom along the highway, the leaves in bud and the flowering trees exploding with color. Everywhere we look – beautiful violets, reds, whites, and pinks.
Mile after mile, we are soaking it all in – and then it hit us! Wham! Three years ago we could not see the colors and beauty of Spring from the dark hole existed in everyday. The world was monochromatic. Your eyes see nothing but gray when you are in the middle of a painful, bitter, expensive and violent divorce. Three years ago driving to our attorneys’ offices all alone, nervous, with knots in our stomach, and contemplating how to navigate our own divorces. We didn’t know each other. We were in the spin cycle of divorce and didn’t have all this advice from girlfriends who were in the know. Three years ago we were struggling and we felt like our souls were completely crushed.
And now here we are! Together. Eyes more open than before and more thankful than ever to be able to see in full color again. We are driving to an attorney’s office, just like three years ago, but this time to help another girlfriend begin her journey in planning her own divorce. We will lend her support, make sure she is okay and that she stays focused on the important details. Three years ago! Gasp! Tears come to our eyes as we realize how far we had come in a few short years.
During the meeting with the attorney, we watch our girlfriend closely – she cannot see from our perspective. Today, she sees the world only in shades of gray. She is afraid to talk. She is so embarrassed of the situation she has found herself in. She thinks she is to blame for the demise of her marriage. She is ashamed that she has relinquished her power in the relationship and allowed him to control her by hiding their entire financial information – he told her she wasn’t smart enough to understand their family finances. We understand. We’ve been there too. It goes on and on – we stop listening to the words and began to watch her grow in strength, grow in confidence and emerge from this awful meeting into someone beautifully empowered. This is the path she has chosen; her own journey towards divorce. We will support her and hopefully limit her exposure to the nausea and confusion of the roundabout so that her own experience can come full circle more quickly.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Oh yes, there really is life after divorce. We promise and all of our girlfriends promise! The maelstrom is over. Your plans have been successfully executed. You have a roof over your head (and it is YOURS), food in your stomach (and YOU are actually hungry again), money in your account, your kids are safe and YOU have your life back. And you’ve stopped crying everyday. It’s better, honey. Finally, it’s better.
Today is our Girlfriend-aversary. We met one year ago today and shortly thereafter realized that the universe brought us together to research and write this book so that our collective knowledge can help other women. While writing this book has been hugely cathartic, more than anything, it has taught us to rise above the drama, to trust our guts above the din of voices talking at us, and to drop the shield and pick up the sword. As we conclude this effort tonight…celebrating under the full moon with our favorite pizza, shiraz and Tagalong Girl Scout cookies we toast to ourselves to our perseverance and also raise our glasses to send positive energy our 12+ girlfriends who, this very night are feeling broken as they are struggling through their own personal hells to decide whether to stay in their marriage or to divorce. Hang in there, girls. Life gets easier. We swear it.
As you can see, we did it and our girlfriends did it, AND YOU CAN DO IT, TOO. Stay tuned for our next book where our girlfriends help us tackle the next 365 days!

WOO HOOOO!


Kerplunk – It’s Over! RESEARCH STATISICS

When you are contemplating separation and divorce, or when you are actually mired down in just trying to live through this new life as a singleton, you might feel as if no one understands your motives and needs–that you are completely alone in your fears and anxieties about ending your marriage. We’re here to tell you, ladies YOU ARE NOT ALONE! In researching Kerplunk – It’s Over! we surveyed and personally interviewed hundreds of women just like you, age 24-76, who had each chosen to divorce their intimate partner. The results from our research here prove that most women share common qualms and fears about divorce…just like you.

What was the Main Motivation for Your Choosing to Divorce?
(Most Women Sighted Multiple Reasons)
30% - Gross Unhappiness
- Didn’t love each other anymore
- Had grown apart
- Tired and drained
- Husband did not want me or love me


30% - Loss of Trust
- Infidelity on his part
- Husband was internet dating

20% - Husband did not have a job
- Husband was a dreamer
- I shouldered the burden of the family (raising kids, earning money)
- Financial manipulation when the woman was the primary earner

10% - Husband abused alcohol
- Husband abused drugs
10% - He was Jealous, Controlling and or Abusive


What was the Final Straw?
15% - Infidelity was the final straw
70% - Abuse was the final straw - mental and verbal abuse.
- Jealousy
- Controlling and narcissistic personality
- Bullying
Some girlfriends we interviewed did not realize until after the marriage ended that they were being manipulated and abused both verbally and emotionally.
15% Other – Undefined reasons

Cost of Divorce

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.05.2011

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Widmung:
The hundreds of girlfriends who shared their amazing and sometimes horrific stories.