January 1, 2011
Dear Diary,
6:30am- It’s my junior year… I haven’t written in a diary for about.. I would say since 6th grade.. But I don’t know who else I can talk to about… about certain things. I can’t talk to either of my parents… or my siblings, because.. they would think im just being a drama queen… I don’t wanna talk about it to my friends, because they will just say no it’s not true… but it is… im not a drama queen… this is how I’ve been living my life… its hard, and I hate it. as much as I try to change… nothing changes. I’ve been trying so hard, but… I can’t be skinny. I can’t be like all the other gorgeous girls in my school… I’m fat and im always going to be… No matter how hard I try… this is who I am and no one will get to know the real me… they just see what appears on the outside…
`Neveah


January 2, 2011
Dear Diary,
7:00am- It’s my second day of being a junior… Yesterday was my first day of school… it was just… it was horrible… I didn’t even tell you about it when I got home, because as soon as I got home I just went to sleep. the first day I was late to my first class because I couldn’t find it. When I did I opened the door, and when I saw the desks my stomach churned. The desks where so tiny! It wasn’t right… I mean these desks looked for petite people. Everyone was looking at me, and I walked to the only desk that I saw that was open which was the first desk. I went to go sit in the desk and I barely fit. I kept my head down, and I felt terrible. I felt the eyes on me, and I bit my lip because I didn’t want the tears to come out. I know im fat, and I need to lose weight, and I try sooooooo hard to lose the weight but it never leaves ): I’ve been fat for as long as I can remember, and trust me… I HATE IT! after the first day I was going to my next class, and as I was walking down the stairs I heard someone yell out, “ What have you been eating?!” I ignored it and continued on to my next class, but I felt like I was going to break down right there. The rest of the day no one really talked to me except for my friends. My one friend, my best friend actually, Mandy, she is kind. She is always trying to cheer me up, but she just will never understand the things I go through. My last class I had… I sit in the back corner and the boy that sits in front of me is so cute. I don’t really know him. I had some classes with him last year too, but he has never noticed me. Why would he? One of his friends sat next to him, and I heard him mutter, “ Look you get to sit in front of the cow.” I kept my head down and pretended I didn’t hear anything, and even if I did it didn’t affect me. but on the inside I was screaming. I was screaming for it all to just be over. well.. I have to go to school now… Let’s see if maybe… just maybe this day will be better than yesterday?


4:30pm- My second day went past… It wasn’t as bad as yesterday I guess… but it still wasn’t great. I am five foot, 3 inches and I am two hundred and fifty pounds. I have long dark brown hair, and green eyes. my skin is rather pale. I’m not pretty, and nothing about me is attractive. All the girls in my school are so gorgeous. The way the guys look at them… I wish for once in my life a guy will look at me like that. That I can be the girl every guy wants to date and every girl wants to be. I wish I could be wanted… my older sister Kristy is completely gorgeous… She is twenty two and she is absolutely stunning. People wonder how we are sisters. She is skinny, and she has the bust and the butt. She has long light brown hair with blonde highlights and radiant hazel eyes. I’m so jealous of her. I hate standing next to her, because then I feel just as horrible about myself. My mom is a very pretty woman too. Her and my sister look a lot alike. My dad… he isn’t ever around. He is always out with his friends and when he is home he stays upstairs and he is just a stranger living in my home. I have a brother that is a year younger than me. He likes to be with my sister and show her off, but he doesn’t like to be around me when others are around. He is embarrassed of me. I know it. I am embarrassed of myself… I hear my mom calling for me… I have to go…
`Nevaeh


January 5, 2011
Dear Diary,
4:00am- I can’t sleep… I haven’t written in you for the past couple days… I haven’t really done anything the past couple days… I just want to stay to myself… everyone is hurting me… I don’t think I can stand one more day of being called ugly or fat. I CANT take it >:P I had a dream… I had a dream that I was skinny and I was beautiful. That people wanted to be seen with me, and that a boy loved me. I had my first kiss, and he had his arm around me. It felt… I felt… happy. Then I woke up, and the feeling of being happy washed away when I realized I was still me. I’ve never truly felt happy before… but the feeling I had in my dream.. it was amazing. I want… I NEED to feel it again. Maybe if I go to sleep forever, I’ll always be happy.

5:48 pm
School once again was a disaster. I was in health class, and on a poster it said, “ Judging a person does not define who they are, if defines who you are.” When I read it, I didn’t feel too bad. It actually, kind of made me a little happy. Until we started talking eating disorders, and obesity was one of them. I kid sitting across from me turned around and looked dead at me. That little trying to make me feel better poster, it went right out the window. You know, I try to eat a healthy meal, diet whatever. I exercised once. A lot. I ate right, but I didn’t lose the weight. For me, it’s impossible. Yeah, people are like, no its not impossible, stop being the fat girl that is trying to make everyone feel bad. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me, I want them to hear me, but first I need to learn how to speak up… HA! Like that ever going to happen… Well… I don’t feel like writing too much. Gonna do my homework, and go to sleep. Bye diary, thanks for listening…

P.S Some people called me fat, ugly, you know the same old. Nothing really new, just thought I’d tell you really fast.
`Nevaeh

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.03.2012

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