Lost
Some might get lost in caves others in mazes. However, I get lost in thought.

The world I create in my mind is so complicated every turn, every choice is something

better, or much worse. Getting lost is easy, getting out is a nightmare.


Entering the Realm of My Thoughts is like entering paradise. I always enter in the

Valley of Dreams where everything is sweet and beautiful. Every little thing is

intricately and carefully made. Wildflowers of every color, and green knee-high grass fill

the large valley. The air is thick and sweetly fragranced. With every step it lightly kisses

my skin. The sky is blindingly blue adorned with a sun that fills the valley with a glorious

golden glow, not a cloud passes over. In the middle of the valley there is a tree unlike any

other. This tree has a circumference of 100 feet, and a height of 300 ft. Each leaf reflects

a different feeling, one of love so beautifully and wonderfully made, one of hate dry to a

crisp, like a fallen leaf in autumn. It fills you with anger and resentment just to look at it.

Another leaf of joy reminds me of all the wonderful things that have ever happened to

me. Some leaves of which have yet to fully develop, are still small and confused as I

often am, when I am fully aware of my surroundings, and not lost in this realm. It is a

wonderful tapestry of my life. This is the only exit from the Realm of My Thoughts, the

Tree of Memories.


You would think I would leave before I get lost. However, curiosity to find out

what has changed in the Realm of My Thoughts overcomes all sensible things. So I set

out turning slightly towards the north away from the Tree of Memories and into the ever-

changing Realm of My Thoughts.


As my thoughts move from day to day so to do the places within my mind. Except

for the Valley of Life, which remains a constant in the center. Today a dark wood

appears in front of me. It fills me with the same terror a rabbit would have at the stench of

danger. Immediately I know that this place is the Forest of Fear which is filled with all

my frightening thoughts. The things I am most afraid of; death, pain, and of the dark.

There are scenes here that will haunt my realm until the day I die. Scenes from stories

I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, and my wildest imaginings. Some things should

never be thought, some should never be written, and others should never be seen.


I pause deciding whether to enter and face my fears or to turn and run in the other

direction. My legs move according to their own will, as if they are not mine anymore,

and are being controlled by some more powerful being leading me to my fears. With the

first steps in a chill covers me and goose flesh raises the hair upon my arms, the

forest closes around me leaving it impossible to escape. A foul smell fills the air leaving

all trace of the Valley of Dreams behind. The trees are tall and filled with cruel and

dangerous thoughts. The only way out is to move forward through the meandering paths

of my mind. Minutes pass, and then hours, the only sound I am conscious of is my breath

and my racing thoughts as I go deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of my brain.

Several more minutes pass and a loud shrill scream splits the darkness and illuminates a

scene from one of the many books I’ve read. The scream was filled with such anguish

and suffering that no one should endure. I felt like crying, a woman was lying on the

floor with an unmoving bundle in her arms. It was a page in a book I read, a woman held

her first and last child, the only person that she could ever love or call her own. She had

already lost her husband a couple months before the child was born, and a couple months

after he was born the child died of some sickness. It was so sad the way they described it.

The woman lay crying and there was no one to comfort her. In the end she grew old with

no one to love. My heart longed to comfort her but when I reached out to her she

disappeared in a mist. My tears blinded me so I couldn’t see, but it didn’t matter anyway.

If I saw anymore it would tear my heart to pieces. I ran and ran, never stopping or

looking back.


Eventually I make it out of the Forest of Fear and into one of the small valleys that

occupy the spaces between. As I sit and rest the tinkling sounds of music tantalize me

to my feet urging me towards the beckoning sounds of laughter and the Circus of

Possibilities. I skip merrily in the direction of a large colorful tent, a booming voice cries

out, “Hurry! Hurry! Step right up! Choose a path for your future! Full of Possibilities!

Step into the Hall of Mirrors.” The closer I get the more intriguing it all sounds. I run as

fast as I can to get to the owner of the voice; I find a short man with three heads. Each

head has one large eye in the center, each eye was a different color. One red, one blue,

and the last Orange. The pupils are in slits like a cat. I stand in amazement gawking at

him. Never before in my imagination had I come upon such an unusual being. Each one

of his faces smiles at me with a different smile, and say in unison, almost nonsensically,

as if reading my mind, “Good day young lady! You are wondering what I am? But that

does not matter, it is what you choose to be that matters! Enter, be quick and decisive!

For once chosen never can be UN-chosen! Now step in, hurry up, don’t have much time,

every year is wasted! Enter into the Hall of Mirrors!” He gestures with his arm to a small

door just large enough for me to fit through. I enter into a large corridor of mirrors.

Each reflection is of me yet not me. The first mirror I look into I see myself, my hair tied

back into a bun a stethoscope draped over my neck bending over a small child with a

broken leg. I can hear the voices there. Mine older and deeper speaking to the child as I

give instruction to him and his mother. Moving on I see another me at a computer with

stacks of manuscripts surrounding me. Lost in the pages of my newest creation! I turn

again and find myself holding a camera taking pictures of a small family with a wailing

baby. Which didn’t seem very appealing. I continue down the maze unsure of which

path to take. Pondering on what the man had said, not wanting to make a mistake. I

decided to move on for my mind is still ever changing and regardless of what the man

said I cannot make up my mind today. My only problem is the exit will not appear

before me. So in total frustration I stop trying to find an exit, sit down on the cold marble

floor, and scream loudly. After that I sat still as statue, the only part of me that moves is

the slight rise and fall of my chest. This is usually what I do when I try to calm myself

because even the littlest thing will set me off again. Thankfully, I only lose control over

myself in this realm and no one is around to see.


Several minutes later, I stand and continue to search for an exit through this

accursed Hall of Mirrors. Every time a new image appears I stop and examine it

carefully with an expert eye and move on. I search and search until all around

me the same image is displayed in every single mirror. Me at about twenty-eight years

old in a large unadorned room with a simple beauty, sitting at a desk at the far side of the

room, I am writing in a notebook on the desk, my head bent gently onto my shoulder

wedged in between is a cell-phone, using my other hand expressively. A man rushes into

the room and ruins the scene. He talks quickly about how I am needed at the church

immediately. I tell the person on the phone a brief explanation about what is happening

and run out of the room. I am wearing all white and my hair is tied up into a pony-tail.

All the mirrors turn blank except one leaving me to choose if this is what I want. It didn’t

take me long to choose. I choose this scene. Not knowing what it was but I looked

content. Above this mirror appears an exit sign. Now I understand why he says choose

quickly.


I step towards the mirror, with every step my surroundings change. All traces of the

Circus of Possibilities are left behind and I am back in my Valley of Dreams. The sweetly

scented breeze, the golden glowing valley, and the brilliant sky give me peace. I stroll at

a leisurely pace towards the Tree of Memories forgetting everything about the Forest of

Fear, and the Circus of Possibilities. I take in all I can before I reach the tree’s massive

trunk I sit down on an invisible chair near the roots, set my arm onto an invisible desk,

and place it under my chin, and close my eyes.


When my eyes open I am in class, my teacher is still hammering on the same

subject; apparently trying to get it into our heads for future use. Most of my classmates

look bored, a few look confused and are apparently still trying to get what she is saying.

I just sit at my desk wondering how long I had been lost in my daydreaming.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 01.08.2011

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