Merce

It is the last day of junior year and I am finally going home. I had so many last minute things I needed to work out I’m going to be late. I won’t get to go back to my secret place.
“Merce!” I glance over my shoulder and catch sight of Kyle Duncan. It looks as though he ran the whole way. He bends over double to catch his breath, blonde hair shielding his face from view. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you; where did you go?” Where did I go. It is a simple question and yet I hesitate. I don’t want anyone to know.
“Nowhere in particular, just walking. Why?” He has caught up to me now and towers over me. I blow a spring of caramel curl out of my eyes and squint up at him.
“I-I mean… there is something I have to tell you.” He fiddles with the collar of his shirt and, I might be wrong, a slight blush appears across his tanned face.
“What is it?” I ask a little shyly. I am not usually a shy person but this is headed into unfamiliar territory and I don’t know to act.
“I-” He takes a deep breath and straightens up. “I really like you. Let’s go out.” My heart stops for a moment. Go out? Is he serious? Kyle is one of the most popular guys at our school, not to mention one of the most handsome. My cheeks turn red at the thought that someone actually likes me, then an even deeper shade because it’s Kyle.
“S-sure.” I can’t help the stammer that slips out. Nervous laughter makes me look up. Kyle runs a hand through his hair, indigo eyes sparkling.
“Thank god. I thought you were going to reject me.” He reaches down and trails a hand down my face, cupping my chin. “Now, we seal it with a kiss.”
When his lips meet mine I melt. I have never been so happy in my life…

It has been nearly a year since that fated day. At first I was happy. We were happy. But Kyle… Kyle has a temper and a nasty jealous streak. I can’t talk to other guys, I can’t go out in certain outfits that he considers too provocative, I can’t even hang out with my girlfriends anymore because they are a “bad influence”. I used to be so outgoing 2
it’s kind of scary how submissive I’ve become. At first it was so he wouldn’t be mad at me, I didn’t want to lose him. Now…I don’t know how I feel about anything. The door slams open with a crash and I look up, startled. He shouldn’t be here.
“Merce! Where are you! I know you’re in here. Did you think I wouldn’t find your little hidey-hole? That you could do whatever you like and I wouldn’t find out about it? Come out here now! I want to see your face.” I’m trembling uncontrollably at this point. I know what he is referring to. I was asked to help lead prom committee. This is completely out of the question according to Kyle but I really wanted to do it so I accepted.
If I don’t come out soon he will only be angrier. I should come out but I’m scared. What if he is more angry than I thought? What if I lose him? A traitorous thought echoes: What if he hurts me? He wouldn’t. He loves me. I slowly extend out of my crouch and walk into the fading light of the abandoned building. Kyle spins on his heel when he hears me approaching. The expression on his face terrifies me but I don’t stop until we are face to face. He towers over me like he did that day only this time it is in anger and I am afraid.
“Why did you accept?! I told you not to.” His nostrils flare and his eyes burn brightly. I quiver. “Well?”
“I-I just wanted to help. You can be on the committee too, we can work together.” I stare at my shoes and twist my fingers together. Please let him forgive me.
“Merce.” I look up and meet his eyes. He squeezes my shoulders. Hard.
“If that is what you intended why didn’t you just tell me. Why did you run away?” Tears pool in my eyes.
“I wasn’t trying to run away. I come here when I need to think. You know that.” He sighs and nods his head.
“I know.” Some of the pressure lets up. “Sorry for over-reacting, you know how I get when I’m with you. I don’t want to share.” He smiles down at me and I know by the way he looks at me that I am forgiven. He kisses my forehead and sighs again. Completely relieved I relax into him, encircling his waist in my embrace. “You win. We’ll 3
join the committee. But if anyone hits on you we’re gone, got it?” I nod my acceptance.

Later that day I sit alone in my room contemplating our relationship in general and again what happened today. Did I give in too easily? Do I even still love him? It feels really nice when I’m with him and he isn’t angry and I love the attention. But he is angry so often… is it really worth it? Will I have to ask permission to do everything from now on? Who am I kidding I’ve been asking permission since day one. Did I even really love him at all? I loved the attention and I loved the idea of having a boyfriend.
I sigh and roll over onto my side. I am such a horrible girlfriend for even thinking of these things right? There are plenty of girls that would kill to be Kyle’s girlfriend. Sigh…
I put away thoughts of Kyle and think of prom. I need to help thrash out the details, color schemes and theme. We have a general idea but we need to narrow it down. Thinking of this makes me think of Connor Lewis. He is a sweet guy with bookish good looks. Soft brown curls and rectangular wire rim glasses framing chocolate brown eyes. We’ve known each other forever though we never really spoken that much. I regret not doing so. I wish I could have known him better. I fall asleep thinking of his soft laughter.

I knew it would be busy but I didn’t think it would be this busy. I’ve been running around all afternoon. The DJ keeps canceling, no one can agree on what food to serve, and the Art students refuse to help make the decorations. They said they were way to busy with finals for that. I understand their situation but the situation it’s putting us in is making me want to pull my hair out. A tap on my shoulder alerts me to someone else’s presence.
“The DJ called again.” It’s Connor. He looks frazzled and flushed. I don’t think he was prepared for this either.
“Please tell me he didn’t cancel.” My voice is weary and pleading. It will be so hard to find a new one.
“Sorry.” Connor shrugs his shoulders apologetically. “Scott keeps 4
begging us to let his band play. Why not give them a listen and see if they will do?” He suggests politely. I think it over.
“It’s a great idea. I’ll go ask Winrey.” Winrey is the head of the committee. He nods his thanks. Connor finds Winrey intimidating. So do I.
I make my way across the gym halfway ignoring the chaos around me. I don’t want to get caught up in a side project and forget what I’m supposed to be doing. I spot Winrey working on the entryway and maneuver my way to her. It takes a while and she’s on the phone with the photographer when I get there.
“No, I told you blue flowers. Blue!” she hangs up abruptly. She notices me. “What do you want.” It’s kind of a disgusted statement rather than a question. She’s one of the girls willing to kill for Kyle.
“The DJ fell through again and I was wondering if we could give Scott’s band a try.” I mentally cross my fingers. Winrey sighs.
“Oh, all right. I suppose we can give him a try, if there’s nothing else.” Not very encouraging but I’ll take it. Now, to find Scott…

We stayed and worked for hours. Scotts band made it so we had to start building a bandstand per Winery’s orders. And it took forever. I was glad when we decided to call it a night. As I was leaving Connor stopped me. He handed me a letter and told me not to read it until I was alone. So here I sit, alone in my abandoned warehouse, aka: my secret place, holding the letter in front of me. I’m a little nervous though I can’t imagine why. I have no reason to be. But if Kyle caught me with this… I shake the thought away and open the letter.

Dear Merce,
I have to get this off my chest. You’re an amazing girl, one that I find myself drawn to. Because of your laughter and that smile. Because of your kindness and beautiful nature. Because you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’ve been in love with you for so long a time now I can scarcely remember when I started. When we first 5
met? The first time you smiled at me?
I know I shouldn’t be telling you this now, when it’s to late, But I don’t believe it is. I don’t think you really love Kyle, and I know he doesn’t love you; Not like I do. I would never hurt you, and I’d never let anyone else do so either. I wouldn’t have even brought this up but…
You’re afraid of him. When he walks into the room you tense and your smiles never reaches your eyes. I can protect you from him. I can make you happy. Please…
Love,
Connor

I suck in a breath, astonished. He loves me. Connor loves me. I try to think of a time when Kyle has actually told me he loved me. I can’t. He never has, I’ve always just assumed. Now I try to think of the last time he even acted as if he truly liked me. My mind automatically jumps back to that first day, when he reeled me in. He doesn’t love me, and he never has. But what do I do about it? Connor is right, Kyle scares me. I don’t know how to leave him.
Even contemplating the idea fills me with dread and terror. What will he do to me if I tell him we’re through? He freaked out so badly yesterday over me joining the committee I’d hate to see him really p*****. would he hurt my family? My friends? Or.. Connor? I couldn’t bare it if any of them got hurt. Maybe I should just muddle through and hope he’ll dump me.
Yeah, like everything is just gonna work itself out. I’m to old to believe in fairy tales like that. I can’t depend on magic, I have to do things on my own. If I wanna break it off with Kyle I have to man up and just do it. But how to do it…. It would have to be in a public place so he can’t do anything to me. Maybe at Moe’s Dinner or at the Swift-Pick.
With my plan unfolding in my mind I get up and dust off my butt. It’s time to go on home. Hopefully tonight won’t be one of the nights Kyle decides to pop in for a visit. I need time alone, away from him. 6
When should I try this. Tomorrow? Next week? After prom? I decide I want it to be sooner. Now that I’ve realized the truth I know I can’t be with him, not a moment longer than I have to. So tomorrow it is. I’ll call him tonight and set up the “date”.
I get home without incident and the driveway is noticeably Kyle-free. I dash up to my room with a swift hello to my father. Once the door is firmly shut and locked I call Kyle. Hoping my breathing will stay normal and my shaky voice won’t give me away I wait for him to answer his phone.
“Hey, this is Kyle. I’m not available at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep.” *beep* thank god, I don’t even have to talk to him yet.
“Hey Kyle. Just wanted to know if we could get together at Moe’s tomorrow? 8:00? Well, see you then.” Man, I hope he comes. I can’t wait to be rid of him.
I shut my phone and shove thoughts of Kyle away. Instead of obsessing over what could happen tomorrow I get out Connor’s letter and re-read it. I still can’t believe he loves me. And for so long! I hug the letter to my chest and curl up on the fluffy green comforter. Everything will start for the better tomorrow.

I get to Moe’s at least an hour early. I didn’t mean to, I just can’t wait. While I am painfully aware that this could go horribly wrong I’m still holding out hope that everything will turn out okay. All I have to do is tell him I’m not in love with him. That I like him but it would be better if we were just friends. Yeah, that sounds reasonable. I can do this.
At exactly 8:01 the bell over the door gives a ring. Kyle has arrived. He strolls over to my table casually, relaxed. He has no idea what this meeting has in store for him. I try to stay calm as he reaches my side and bends over to give my temple a soft kiss. My resolve will stay firm. One act of kindness can not outweigh his overall horridness.
I think back to his tantrum the other day and how afraid I was. I straighten up, no longer so nervous.
“What’s with this all of a sudden? You never called me for date 7
before.” It’s true. He always set them up himself. I never asked for fear of a tantrum.
“There’s something we need to talk about.”
“Uh-oh.” He teases. When he sees that I’m serious his smile fades. I cut right to the chase.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” The words make my insides quiver with fear but my voices holds firm.
“What.” His tone is quiet, deadly.
“I really like you but I’m not in love and I don’t think you are either. It’s not fair to either of us to keep this going if it’s just going to lead nowhere.” Surprisingly, my voice is still steady. Please, please let him agree.
“This is because of him isn’t it.” His statement startles me and the acid in it makes me flinch.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with anyone but you and me. I don’t want to be with someone I’m not in love with.” The anger in my voice surprises me. I’ve never talked to him like this before.
“You don’t love me? Then why the hell were you with me all this time you slut.” My throat burns as tears pool in my eyes. I try my best not to let my lips quiver as I give him the finger and leave.
Stupid man! Well I’m not with now, am I? that thought stops me short. I’m not with him anymore. I’m free. The thought makes me so happy I jump into the air then do a little victory dance. I’m free. I can do whatever I want now. No more asking Kyle for permission. I won’t have to go with him to prom. Connor can ask me and I can say yes. Oh, Connor! I have to go see him now.

I had to ask around for his address but it was well worth it, for now I stand on his front porch bursting with good news. I nervously straighten my clothes and finger comb my hair. When I realize all this will probably do no good and I’m just wasting time I knock on the door. After a minute of standing in silence I hear approaching footsteps and the door opens. A woman that appears to be in her late thirties with curly brown hair and kind hazel eyes stands before me.
“Hello Mrs. Lewis. Is Connor home?” I’m a little shy but at least 8
she doesn’t look put out. In fact, she smiles.
“You would be miss Merce I presume. Connor can’t stop talking about you. All good things I swear. Connor! Guest!” footsteps on the stairs and then there he is, barefoot and hair ruffled from bed. When he sees who it is a flush colors his cheeks.
“Merce!” His voice is surprised but pleased, excited even.
“Connor.” I reply, then nod like an idiot. “Umm… I wanted to talk to you.” he rakes a hand through his hair then gestures back up the stairs.
“In private?” I nod in relief and follow him upstairs. He opens the door to his room and gestures for me to go first, all gentleman gallantry. I perch on the edge of his bed and he sits beside me, staring at the carpet. I look around, noticing the Spartan furnishings and cool colors.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” There is a slight hitch in his voice. He’s nervous. It makes me a little braver.
“Your letter. Did you really mean it?” If I’m not mistaken his earlier blush returns with a vengeance. He looks me in the eye.
“Yeah, every word.” The words send a thrill through me.
“Then it’s a good thing I broke it off with Kyle, huh?” I say this casually, silently gauging his reaction. He gives a start, surprised, then a wide smile spills across his face.
“Does that mean you’re free for prom?” He hints innocently. I smile.
“That depends.”
“On?”
“Who’s asking.” His lips quirk.
“ And if it happens to be me?” I hold back a smile.
“Connor Lewis, are you asking me to prom?” his grin becomes more pronounced.
“Only if you say yes.” I shake my head and laugh. Of course I’ll say yes. Stupid man.
“I want a white corsage.”

The days went by in a blur of happiness and now prom is upon 9
us. I sit at my dresser, touching up my make-up one last time. I’m dressed in a pure white flowing gown with thin, delicate silver straps. My shoes are silver strappy heels with the tinniest diamond snowflake at the buckle. My hair is pinned in a loose bun with strands cascading down and over my shoulders. A silver headband with a single glittery snowflake finishes the look off.
The ringing of the doorbell sets me nervously on my feet. I can hear my father answering the door so I take my time down the stairs. About halfway down I hear someone gasp. When I see him in turn I have to hold in one of my own. I’d never thought a man could look so good in a tuxedo. I was wrong. Connor chose a pristine white tux that contrasts well with his tanned skin. The under shirt is black as night and a white bow-tie graces his neck. We’ll make a fine pair tonight. I descend the few remaining steps and go to him. He smiles brightly and hands me a box.
“It won’t do you justice.” I open the box to find a single white rose on a silver band. I bite my lip to hold in the happy tears.
“It’s beautiful.” I slip the band over my hand and onto my wrist. It’s a perfect fit. He takes my hand, his eyes shinning with adoration and maybe, just maybe, love.
We arrive in no time, the ride here a blur of wonder at being in a limo and at being in a limo alone with Connor. Earth Angel plays and we dance. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. The song ends and another, peppier one replaces it. Connor touches my elbow, leans in to whisper in my ear.
“I’m going to get us some drinks.” I smile and nod, my eyes lingering on his form as long as he is within sight.
Suddenly there is a hand on my arm, harsh and rough. Kyle. I spin on him, terrified.
“You are and will always be MINE.” Something sharp pokes me in the back. “We’re leaving. Now.”
He pushes me through the crowd determinedly and I obediently go. I have never been so terrified in my life. Please let no one notice. Please, please, please. No one deserves what Kyle has in store, he is mad at me an I will bear it alone.
10
When we make it our of the building he grabs me hard and drags me through the parking lot. I try to break away and he presses the point of his knife into my back until it draws blood. I cry out and stop struggling. We reach his black Jag and he throws me in. I climb over the seat as fast as I can and shove open the door but he’s already there. The blunt edge of the knife collides with my temple and down I go. I struggles to sit back up but a dizzy spell overtakes me and everything fades to black.

Cold tiles press against my check. I shiver and my shaky arms struggle to lift me off the floor. Once upright I look around with sick feeling twisting serpentine through my gut. I am in my secret place. Kyle looms above me with a look of cold disgust on his face. When he sees that I am finally awake he grins in triumph.
“let’s join the committee, we can work together.” He sneers. “ You joined for him didn’t you? The whole time you were lusting after that no good-” he stops to collect himself, pulling in air through his nose.
“No, it wasn’t like that. I just realized that I didn’t feel that way about you anymore and Connor-” He smacks me hard across the cheek.
“Don’t say his name in front of me you Bitch!” He shoves me back into the floor and hovers above me. “You publically humiliated me, left me for that bastard and now you have the gall to make excuses. You had your chance!” He raises the knife and I scream. Steel rips through flesh as it plunges into my chest over and over. Choking on my own blood I stare into his eyes as he bids farewell. “See you in Hell, Bitch.” The blade falls a final time and I am no more.

I’m floating in the darkness, held up by a circle of heavenly light. A man walks out of the darkness to join me. He has blonde hair dyed black and kind eyes the color of slate. He holds out his hand and pulls me to my feet.
“Come with me. It’s time.” Tears fill my eyes and I start to go but then I remember. Remember how I died. Remember Connor. I have to go back, have to warn him. I steal my hand back, shake my head.
11
“I can’t.”
The light fades and with it the man. I’m back in my secret place but I’m not alone. Somehow Kyle has dragged Connor here. Connor is bloody and bruised but standing. Kyle is yelling and waving a gun around and neither are wearing their tuxes. How long have I been gone? The gun goes off and I jump in front of Connor, trying to protect him, but the bullet passes straight through me like air.
Connor screams and the gun goes off again, again and once more. Kyle is breathing hard and laughing like the maniacal tyrant that he is.
I sit by Connors’ side a weep.

The darkness takes me away again, this time leaving me in a beautiful garden. Connor is there and he is holding his hand out for me. I run into his arms, holding on for dear life and bawling my eyes out. I never want to be apart from him again.
“It’s alright Merce. We’re okay now, he can hurt us no longer.” The tears slow as he holds me close to his heart. After a while he moves and pulls me towards a sparkling gate. Vines twist around the glittering metal and roses bloom all along it. It’s entrancing. At once I know this is no ordinary gate. “Come, it is time.”
I take a step, then hesitate. I would love more than anything to go with Connor, to spend eternity with him wherever we may go. But if I leave who will watch over Kyle? Who will make sure he never hurts another the way he hurt us. I can’t go.
“Connor… I have to stay,” he is already shaking his head. “ I have to. Kyle-” Anger flashes across his sweet face.
“Kyle this, Kyle that. He killed you! When will you let him go. Come with me, stay with me.” Shaking my head I try to explain.
“Connor, I-”
“Save it. I’m done waiting for you. I tried but I guess I was never good enough for a stuck up, old money, masochist like you.” And with that he is gone. In one instant he turned on me. Condemned me and left me alone to face years with the man that killed me.
I fall to my knees in agony and the world falls away until there is nothing but me and the pain.
12
I watch from the rooftop as he leads a giggling girl onto the pavilion. She is pretty, at least two years younger than he is, and visibly drunk. Was I so easy as her? It’s not the first time I’ve wondered and it won’t be the last. I’ve learned how to at least leave a message but they never heed it. The pattern is consistent. They fall for him and everything is well until they do something wrong. Then he leads them to my secret place and slaughters them like pigs.
As she lays her head adoringly on his chest I wonder how long this one will last. All the twirling must make her nauseous. She turns and unsettling shade of green and gives a mighty heave ho onto his shirt front.
“Ohmigawd! I am sooooo sorry.” She is tearing up and trying to wipe away the sick.
“No no, it’s ok.”
“It is not. I ruined our date!” She wails.
“Really, it’s fine. You know, there is this place I know that we could go…. If you’re still up to it.” He replies after getting rid of the rest of her sick. Her eyes sparkle.
“Really?” He just smiles.
Wow, a new record. This one only last two weeks. On the way to the warehouse a leggy blonde catches his eye. As she passes he discreetly palms her his number. A cheshire smile graces her ruby lips and he grins in return. The pretty girl he leads to her doom clings to him unaware of the little exchange. Knowing I can’t help her anymore I follow the blonde.
And the cycle begins again.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 29.10.2012

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