Inside My Mind
By Kris Laurentz


Without God, I would be nothing. Thank you, Lord, for giving me this great gift...the gift of putting what is "Inside My Mind" onto paper

These poems are dedicated to all the beautiful souls that I have had the honor to meet. You all have inspired me to become a better writer.


Copyright 2009
Copyright 2010
The use of all (or in part) of this book is strictly forbidden unless given written consent by the author.

Always Second


Always second
Sitting, waiting, expecting, anticipating, hoping, longing, desiring
Always second
Wanting, needing, yearning, burning in my heart, crying
Always second
Noticed yet unnoticed, important but unimportant, needed but not needed
Always second
Not sure how to change it, have been trying to but have un-succeeded
Always second
Wondering, waiting, trying to hard, not trying enough
Always second
Hoping, filled with doubt, feeling the urgency, desire burning deeper
Always second
Being selfish, wanting to feel the excitement, passion
Always second
What do others have to offer what am I not offering, doubting, loneliness
Always second
Music, job, kids, life, family, video games, hobbies
Always second
Hopelessly seeking approval, trying to be noticed, endless race to push through the curtain of his soul
Always second
Remembering the past, the fire in his eyes, the passion in his soul, the tenderness of his touch
I was first
The longing to see me, to feel me, the smile, the hello
I was first
The excitement, the anticipation, the long conversations, no distractions
I was first
The beginning, the babies, the job, life, family, video games, hobbies, music
I was first
Always noticed, no waiting, always important, no wondering
I WAS first
As time has slipped by, age has settled in, knowing I will always be there
I am no longer first
Always second



The War Within

As I sit here, hoping to have mindless bliss, there is a never-ending war raging within.
I am constantly attacked by thoughts, feelings, emotions, and waves of overwhelming conditions that need to be met.
I feel the inner me wanting...needing to scream, explode, and so desperately searching to find a way to retreat.
The enemy of my desires are trying to overtake me,
They want me to relent, to give in.
If I just close my eyes will I be able to simply let go?
Will I be able to guiltlessly give in?
No, I must fight!
I must fight through the overcrowded enemy lines of desire, hate, passion, love, depression, addictions, irritations, imperfections, duties, missions, urges to control, and the endless swirling mass of responsibilities.
Wait...
Wait...
Wait...I am tired, my body feels as though I have battled a thousand wars, I am weary, I need rest
Wait...
I am seeing a mist of light through the black and gray that consumes my mind and soul
Why can I not defeat the battles within?
I am tirelessly seeking for the general who can guarantee me victory.
I can not find one within...because there is not one
Wait...
The mist of light is blooming.
I feel something I have never felt before.
Within I am being lifted away from the enemy and can see the battlefield more clearly.
Each war is sectioned off, there is no more overcrowding.
Each enemy is getting smaller and a new figure begins to appear out of the clouds of black, gray, and red.
This new general is giving off a feeling of such relief, such healing, and such control
How can this be?
As He battles on, I am surrounded with light, love, joy, and a feeling that is beyond human comprehension.
I can still feel all of my desires, my passions, but no more do I have to fight this war alone.
The war wages on within, but I am not alone...
Never alone
It is now His war to fight
I will be alone no more...
Never Alone



THE UNHEARD VOICE

Two cells collide and form into one living soul.
I am now here and my voice is so small.
Every moment that passes by, I can feel I am growing.
I am developing...learning...breathing...and getting stronger.
I hear my mother's voice so sweet and loving.
I can feel the warm touch of her hand when she rubs her belly.
She sings ever so sweetly as I am rocked gently in my internal home.
She seems pleased with who I am becoming.

I am now stronger and my voice is getting louder.
Everyone knows I am coming soon and they are all waiting.
I am lulled into a peaceful hypnotic state by the rhythm of the music...our two heartbeats make.
I hear my mother's voice but it is changing.
I don't feel her warm and loving touch as often.
I need to move around to let her know I am still here.
I am still developing...learning...breathing...and waiting.
Just waiting.

I hear my mother's voice so frightened and sad.
Did I do something wrong?
I don't feel her warm and loving touch anymore.
I need to emerge into the physical life stream.
She needs to hold me...to touch me...to see me...to know I am real.
I have a voice, it just not being heard.

I hear the voice of strangers and noises I am not familiar with.
Can my mother hear my voice so frightened and so sad?
No one is speaking for me, therefore I have no voice.
I was excited when the two cells collided.
I was excited to just 'Be'.
Excited to go on a wonderful journey and to give joy and love to all who will know me.
Things are changing.

I no longer hear any voices.
I have been erased...voided...deleted...discarded for eternity.
I did not ask to come into being.
I was not asked to come into death.
I had a voice, but no one listened...not even the one who nourished me.
I will no longer give love and joy to those who will know me.
I will only give sorrow and pain to the one who knew me...
For all eternity.


The Journey Home

So sweet
So gentle
Her love exudes, surrounds, comforts, heals
Her soft yet strong hand wipes away my tears
So sweet
So gentle
Her laughter fills my mind, my ears, my soul
Her wisdom so prophetic and ever lasting
So sweet
So gentle
Her presence fills the very air I breathe
Her stories will be told to all generations
So sweet
So gentle
Feeling her slip away little by little
I am not ready, not prepared
So sweet
So gentle
She is longing, needing, wanting
She is ready to see Him
So sweet
So gentle
He caresses her in His Fatherly arms
As He has done many times before
So sweet
So gentle
“Do not be afraid my child”
He picks her up and takes her home
So sweetly
So gently
His love exudes, surrounds, comforts, heals
His hands so soft yet strong wipes away her tears
So sweetly
So gently
She is safe and loved by all
Rejoicing, praising, celebrating
She is home
She is home


Special note to my Mamma-
I am honored to have been your granddaughter and my life has and will always be richer and fuller for having known you. I thank you for loving me unconditionally, always being there for me, and showing me how much better life can be if God is the center of your life. I love you and will see you again.

The Souls Of The Fallen

The souls of the fallen
Our hearts break
The souls of the fallen
I pray they are souls you will take


The souls of the fallen
From battles fought
The souls of the fallen
They have already been bought


The souls of the fallen
During war and peace
The souls of the fallen
My son, daughter, sister, grandparents, and niece


The souls of the fallen
Our hearts cry out in pain
The souls of the fallen
For everyone Jesus was slain


The souls of the fallen
We shall not forget
The souls of the fallen
Their laughter, tears, memories, and wit


The souls of the fallen
For those not yet born
The souls of the fallen
In loving memory we mourn


The souls of the fallen
God lovingly takes
The souls of the fallen
To remind us He never Forsakes


The souls of the fallen
We will see them again
The souls of the fallen
When our life here ends and our Eternal one begins.


All She Needs...Is Love

I watch her tears stream down her face.

I feel the pain enveloping my soul.

I want to comfort, to heal, to mend.

My heart aches as I watch her crumble.

She crumbles to the floor like a rag doll.

Screaming and crying out.

Crying out from the very depths of her soul.

I can feel her pain, sorrow, and loss.

As if it was my own heart being torn.

Slowly, being torn into miniscule pieces.

I reach out to her.

Reaching out to comfort and support.

Hoping that my touch will heal.

Heal the hole that is now in her heart.

She falls helplessly into my loving arms.

I hold her quivering small body.

I hold it tightly, as if my touch will erase.
Erase all that has been said.

Erase all that has happened.

Erase the pain and emptiness.

“What did I do wrong?”

“Why is he leaving me?”

“What could I have done differently?”

“Why doesn't he love me anymore?”

“How can I go on with this hole that is left in my heart?”

“I love him like I have never loved anyone.”

These words slowly emerged from her lips.

From her saddened, broken, trembling lips.

As I sit holding her, tears stream down my face.

I feel like a part of me is dying inside.

A hole is left in my heart.

I feel so helpless.

“Why can't I fix this?”

“How do I comfort her, support her?”

“Why can't I take her pain away?”
“God, let me take all her pain and sorrow!”

“God, fill the hole in her heart!”

I say in my mind as I squeeze her closer, tighter.

She is beautiful.

She is brilliant and beautiful.

She is selfless, caring, brilliant, and beautiful.

She is understanding, giving, selfless, caring, brilliant, and beautiful.

She is the personification of unconditional love.

She loves deeply and completely.

She deserves someone that can see all these things...and more.

We are both crying softly now.

She holds me a little tighter now.

She looks up at me with her beautiful brown eyes.

Her eyes are red and full of the tears her heart has cried.

She looks for guidance and reassurance.

She also has a look of hope.

Hope that he will want her again, love her again.

“When will this pain go away, Mom?”

She asks with so much anguish, yet so much love in her voice.

What can I say?

I know that pain will be there for a long time.

There will be questions that are never answered.

He will tell her what she wants to hear to avoid conflict.

That the first real heartbreak is the hardest.

The first time you 'fall' you will fall the hardest.

The first time you give your whole heart away, you feel love deeper than you have ever experienced before and deeper than you will ever experience again.

The first time you give your whole heart away, you will also feel emptiness, pain, heartache, sorrow, and loneliness deeper than you have ever experienced before and deeper than you will ever experience again.

The first true love takes you to new heights, you fall fast and hard, and when it is over your heart is left crushed, mangled, and empty.

I know I should tell her this.

For now, I will just hold her close to my heart.

Hold her close because that is what she needs...she needs love.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 19.11.2009

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