Prologue
Three Weeks Earlier
I was tired as I looked out the car window. Tears stained my cheeks because of my broken heart.
"How could he just end it? Just like that? Am I that bad of a girlfriend? I thought we were meant to be... But then again, I am a struggle to deal with. I guess I am just to stubborn and hard headed to ever be loved back. Just like my mom. But she finally found true love. Maybe I will too. Maybe it just isn't the right time or something." The thought cheered me up and I smiled brightly at my mom.
Dylan and I had just broken up two days ago. I had been crushed.
After two months of perfect happiness and smiles and laughter, I was hurt to find out that he wasn't happy. But I wasn't surprised. I have the worst luck in relationships ever. Like, capital letters EVER.
I find a guy, it goes great, then it ends just like that. No warning, no signs, no nothing. Just ends... That's how it went. Until now that is.
First Look
Three Weeks Later
I woke up, gasping for air and clutching at my blankets. How had Dylan's little brother get in my dreams? Yes, I have always felt attracted to him like a moth to a flame. Yes, I think of him often. And yes, he has been in my dreams before. But not like this. This dream felt so real.
I went to school with the dream lingering in my thoughts. The warmth of his body close to mine, his arms holding me close and keeping me safe, his lips close to my neck, whispering sweet words.
Ah, I was going insane with my need for him. I threw myself at many guys, some of which took me and made me theirs for a little while. With each guy, I found myself comparing them to Travis. Trying to find a small detail that was the same. But none of them could come close to being as amazing as him.
I found myself tossing and turning in bed, longing for his warm embrace. I wished for his arms around me, his sweet, soft lips working at mine, his warmth and closeness. I wanted him with me so bad I couldn't stand it.
I would go to school with deeply shadowed eyes, due to lack of sleep. I was grumpy and bitchy to almost everyone. Until I saw him.
In the mornings he was like my coffee. He woke me up and made me feel all warm inside. He filled up the dark, empty void I had been living with for years because of the physical, verbal, even sexual abuse. The neglect, lack of attention... I was drowning in my desperation to get him to notice me. I got so jealous when I saw his arms around his girlfriend.
She was pretty. Beautiful, even. But what did she have that I didn't? Oh, that's right... She had the embrace, and the love, and the quite strength and support from the man of my dreams. She had everything I didn't.
I envied her. I got to the point that I couldn't stand the sight of her. Her and her twin sister would get under my skin and make me want to hit something.
Until the day that I befriended them....
The Start? Or the Beginning of the End?
It was after school. I was a little sticky with sweat and I'm sure it didn't help that I was nervous because of what I was about to do. I threw my backpack and my black Tapout hoodie over by the wall and waited with my friends. Keeping one eye on Travis. Watching to see if he would look over at me.
I waited until he went and got on his bus before I went over to Marissa.
"Hey, Marissa! I was wondering, since your sister is kinda dating Travis, if you knew his number?" I said kinda shyly. My heart was pounding loudly in my ears and I was worried that she would be able to hear it. I was so nervous.
"Oh, hey Lex. Yeah, hold on." She then listed off the digits I so desperately needed. "Why do you need it though?"
I quickly thought of some lame excuse. "Oh, well I didn't have it and I just wanted someone to text tonight so I don't go insane with boredom."
She started laughing then, so I just told her I had to get home and started walking. As I walked I pushed in the right buttons and texted Travis with shaking fingers.
Me: Hey...
Travis: Sup?
Me: Nm. Just walking home.
Travis: Who dis?
Me: Lexi...
Travis: Howdya get my number?
Me: Oh, I just asked Marissa... I hope you dont mind..
Travis: No, its kul
Little did I know that that was the start of the most heartbreak and tears and then the long road of happiness of my life...
Chris...
It's almost a month and a half later. It's March 2nd. My birthday. Chris asked me out. I was pretty happy but he's not really the one I want. Sure, I was easily falling for him, but I didn't want to. I held back a lot of the time.
We held hands, his arm would be loosely around my waist or on my shoulders. He was cute, very good looking. I couldn't deny that.
But he wasn't Travis.
The next day, March 3rd, my sister and I begged out parents to let us go to the Copper Verde Park. They agreed reluctantly. I was happy. I would get to spend hours with Chris.
We had tons of fun. Going on the slide, messing around with a wheelchair, swinging, sitting on his lap, talking and just messing around. I had a blast, and for the first time, there was no thoughts of Travis.
As I lay on bed, I realized that. And thought maybe it had only been a temporary lust. Until I saw him on Monday and fell head over heels all over again.
I kinda felt bad that I was texting Travis while I was with Chris. But nothing ever actually happened. He admitted that he was in love with me. And at first I wasn't sure I was in love with him. I wanted to make sure I was before I told him I was. He deserved that much at least. He knew I felt strongly about him though. And I thought I was in love with him. but I thought I loved his brother too, and I didn't want Travis and I to end up like that.
We could sit and text for hours. Every time I would look at my little blue phone and my heart would skip a beat when his name popped up. He would say the cutest things ever. (Even if they were only bits of songs and not his actual words, I knew he meant them.)
Every text made me fall a little harder. It was getting out of control, my longing for him. He was on my thoughts 24/7. (It was actually more like 25/8)
I woke up in the morning thinking of him, I went to bed thinking of him, I dreamed of him, I lived off of seeing him and texting him. I fell in love a little more with every second...
Chris broke up with me. I didn't even cry. I had been expecting it. Like I said before, I had the worst luck in relationships. It was through a text:
"I'm sorry, but it's over."
At first I didn't get it. And then it slowly hit me. But it was cool. I was okay. I was open game again. Available for whoever desired me. (I was hoping it would be Travis, but he was still with one of the twins. Ugh.)
Hanging Out For the First Time
Travis and I got to hangout for the first time. I was giddy with excitement. My mom dropped me off on the side of the street where he was waiting for me. I'm not sure if my mom liked him then or not...
At first, I thought it was a good idea to go down the side of the hill with all the bushes and thorns and such. Travis followed me and going just a little ways down, we decided it would be best if we just went up and down the other side. It was a blast struggling up the hill (much easier going down).
At last we finally got to the top again. I think I was laughing. We climbed down the other side and sprang from the wall onto the damp grass. It looked like there was a party or something going on and as I looked around, I tensed up.
Zade was there. I had spent one night with him and his friend Tyler. It was fun while it lasted, but then they turned into backstabbing pricks. (Pardon my French.) I quickly walked past with Travis at my side, but I think he still saw me.
We passed through the park and started walking towards Bashas'. We talked and laughed as we made our way steadily to the side of the building. There was a small set of stairs that led down to a door. I jumped down into the little place and squatted on the dirty ground.
"Have you ever come and hid here?" I asked.
"No, I am too big to actually fit down here," he said.
I laughed and lept up with an overwhelming energy. We walked around to the back and I ran up to a familiar spot that had once had a piece of wood.
"Aw man. Someone broke it," I said with a frown. "Oh, well. It was kinda old anyways."
We continued walking, when desire hit me and I was overwhelmed with the need that I felt.
"I'm feeling fiesty," I said matter of factly.
"I like fiesty," Travis said softly.
Fire coursed through me as our lips met. It was a deep kiss. Deep and filled with need and desire. My breath was coming out jaggedly and then we continued walking, hand in hand.
We walked as we talked and I was filled with such happiness. I thought back to the kiss and was hit with such certainty that he was the one for me. That I would spend the rest of my life with him. He was gonna be mine, and I was already his.
We went a little farther down. His back was to the wall and I was standing in front of him. We talked and he kinda held me. I grabbed him and kissed him passionately. My breath came out kinda ragged.
"When you breath does that, you know what it means, right?" He asked.
"Umm, no I don't," I said, laughing.
"It means something is gonna happen," he said softly.
I looked into his eyes and fell even more. I knew I loved him, but I didn't want to admit it just yet. I leaned closer and kissed him softly. I could have sworn I saw his eyes sparkle.
Very slowly the thin, black, long-sleeved cover up I was wearing over my spaghetti strap came off. I felt goosebumps spread along my arms. I was kissing him passionately and then we would stop and laugh and talk a little bit. He tried to unclasp my bra in the front. It was entertaining to watch him struggle for a few minutes until he finally managed to get it undone.
I tried to take his jacket off but after a minute I stopped trying because it seemed like he didn't want it off. So instead I just leaned my body into his and kissed him.
Someone was trembling. Probably me, I thought. He slowly lifted my shirt up and over my head until it was laying on the ground beside us.
Suddenly I was up against the wall and we were making out like crazy.
"I could get used to this," I mumbled in between kisses.
My bra was on the ground with my shirt I realized almost laughing at how grown upish it reminded me. The clothes trailing through the house. I was about to share this with Travis when I was cut off with a long, deep kiss.
As we kissed he reached his hand down and unbuttoned my pants. I gasped and my body tensed with anticipation.
And this is where I stop with this scene.....
A Few Hours Later
He walked me home, holding my hand. When we got to a downward slope of grass he asked me, "Wanna see something funny?"
"Sure," I said, laughing.
Then he picked me up and put my over his shoulder and ran down the hill with me. I was laughing the entire time. It was so much fun.
When we got to the bottom, after he set me down, I saw this little mound of dirt. I took off running and ran to the top, only to find that the dirt was soft and not compact like I had thought. I almost fell. When I regained my balance I went to go step down and my shoe got stuck in the dirt! Travis, the gentleman that he his, retrieved my shoe for me.
We continued walking, hand in hand, down the street.
"We better hurry up boy. You have fifteen minutes to get me home," I said teasingly.
"I'll get you home in time," he said with a smile.
(He didn't get me home in time. I had to call my mom and tell her that we had been on our way when I remembered that I had left my gum at the park and had to go back to get it.) (:
We got to my house and my parents agreed that Travis could stay until I had to go to Youth Group at 5:30.
Travis and I laid on my bed and talked. My head was on his lap and he was kinda leaning back when my little sister kicked my bed to move it and broke the whole wood frame. Travis jumped up and I almost fell to the ground.
Bella and I took the wood apart and put it away in our closet and put my mattress on the floor. It was hilarious the way Travis had jumped up and I was laughing the whole time.
Then I had to go to Youth Group and Travis walked with me. We waited a little ways off from the church and just sat there talking. He had called his mom and asked if he could stay with me, but his mom had said no.
So he started walking home, and I went to Youth Group.
TJ
Turns out, it was TJ who I wound up with. We got together 2 days after the breakup. I had been really into him, I loved him actually. but I wasn't IN LOVE with him. There's a difference, and I was only just beginning to realize it.
We had fun together. Going to the softball field and holding hands. But he still wasn't Travis.
One day at the softball field, (Travis and the twin had broken up. FINALLY! But I was taken.) I went and sat down on the table that Travis was sitting at all by himself. I gave him a piece of paper that didn't even begin to speak of my love for him. But he accepted it anyways.
And he gave me his ring. It was too big for any of my fingers. (Even my thumb.) It was silver and had the name "Travis" engraved in it. I took off my chain necklace and gently slid the ring onto it and clasped it back around my neck. It was the sweetest, greatest, most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me and I felt a surge of happiness. I was in love with him. I didn't just think I was. I KNEW I was. And I told him, too.
TJ and I didn't last that long. Yes, I love him. But I was told to follow my heart and I did. And my heart was with Travis. And Travis felt the same. (YES!)
I felt bad because I broke up with TJ through an email. I felt like a horrible person. But I didn't think I could handle seeing his face when I did it.
The very same day, Travis and I got together.
Happiness at Last
Travis and I got together on a Saturday. The soonest we could actually see each other was on the next Monday. Saturday and Sunday seemed to tick by slowly. My longing to see him was almost unbearable.
I got to school on Monday right as Travis' bus pulled in. I waited for him to get off and then we walked hand in hand to the school.
The days flew by fast. We had fun. Lots of smiles and laughs and happiness. (Well on my part at lease.) We also had quite a bit of sex. I mean, not like everyday, but quite a bit.
At one point I even had a pregnancy scare. (That was really, really scary. Especially when I had to tell my mom. But the test said it was negative.)
As I said, the days flew by. I was just soo happy.
Then one evening I was chatting with Travis and my sister said, "I'm beginning to really like you fiance."
I quickly got back on chat and asked Travis:
hurtinginside1: Ummm, babe? Since when are you my fiance?
Travis: Ummm... idk... now?
lexi will you marry me
????
hurtinginside1: Ummm, can I just say
HELL YES!!!!
Travis: Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya1
I was just so happy. I never thought my happiness would end so soon.....
The End of our Love Story?
A Week or Two Later
Somehow the school found out about Travis and I having sex, and then it didn't help when my mom "expressed her concerns to the school about her daughters sexual activities."
I guess according to state law that if you are 14 years of age or younger, that if you sleep with someone older then it is automatic rape. Because of this I might be facing rape charges and if I am seen near or around, or talking to him I will automatically be arrested. No if, ands, or butts about it.
The day that I found out, Friday, soon after speaking with the cop I got a text:
Travis <3: Wer done
I didn't answer because the cop said I couldn't talk to him AT ALL. I was devastated.
I walked away from the cop in tears. All of my friends were concerned, but I kept walking with tears streaming down my face. I went into the school and found my friend Matthew.
I told him everything and he gave me hug, but he didn't know what to do. That was okay though. I had just needed someone to talk to before I completely lost it.
I stopped crying and went back to my friends. I told them everything as well. They would find out sooner or later and I wanted them to know the truth and not whatever rumors would be started.
I started crying again and everyone kept hugging me. I just didn't know what to do. I walked away (still crying) and pulled out my phone.
"Daddy..."
I explained everything to him and all he said was that I needed to stay away from Travis. All I had wanted was someone to care about me. To worry and sympathize with me. I didn't need to be told that. I already knew.
When I was ending the phone call I was sitting by the weight room, still crying. This young boy asked me if I was alright and I said no. So he came over and asked what was wrong so I kinda told him a little bit. Then he said that he wasn't haven't a good day either. He hardly ever saw his dad and his dad kept making fun of him because he didn't know how to Dougie. I told him not to worry because I didn't even know what the Dougie was. He kinda laughed at that. Then his friend came along and they walked away.
I felt a little better knowing that a complete stranger was worried about me.
I walked to the front and found my sister. Soon after, my mom called her and wanted to talk to me because I had been ignoring all calls and texts. Mom talked to me, and I started crying and she said that she was gonna come pick me up. So I said, "No, I'll be fine." But she didn't sound convinced. We hung up and I gave Bella back her phone.
The little wall looked comfortable so I laid down on my stomach with my head on my arms. The I decided I couldn't take it anymore and told Bella to text me when the coach got there for lifting.
I went over by the door again and sat down. The tears came almost immediately and I let them. I didn't bother to cover them up or anything. They streamed down my face freely. I heard the coach coming and everyone else and hid my face in my arms.
Then when the coach unlocked the door I stood up, grabbed my stuff and went inside. My bag was thrown down in the hall. Then I went back to the weight room and waited for what me and my sister would be doing that day. Coach saw the tears in my eyes, or a look on my face and immediately became worried. He led me outside and asked what was wrong. I told him. It felt good to be talking to him about it. He made me walk over to a corner and "drop all my worries off." I did as I was told and went back to lifting...
I went home at 5 and cried the rest of the night.
Another Chance?
The weekend was horrible. Filled with tears and feeling like my heart was being violently torn in half. I would sit on my bed and wrap my arms around my chest as if I could hold myself together like that.
The tears just wouldn't stop. I tried doing all sorts of things to get my mind off of him: reading, watching Harry Potter, texting friends, sleeping, eating, cleaning my house, playing with my dogs, and so much more. Nothing helped. It was like Niagra Falls had been being held inside me and was being let out slowly. It was excruciating. I didn't know what to do.
On Monday, I left the house early with my little sister. We cut through the football field for a shortcut and were just chatting.
"Is he here already?" I thought with fear. I didn't think I could stand seeing him.
He wasn't in the Multi Purpose Room when we got there. But a little while later he came walking in. I looked up and had the most desperate urge to fling myself into his arms and just cry on his shoulder. But I didn't give in.
He went and sat down at the far table. I looked over and couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and walked out of the MPR and into the girls bathroom, tears streaming down my face. My sister followed me.
"If you don't stop crying right now I'm gonna go get Miss Nava," she threatened me.
I dried up the tears and walked out. Then when all of our friends got there, Chris, TJ, Jesse, Zach, Logan, Keana, and a few others, I walked out again crying. Jesse followed me and gave me a hug and so I told her what had happened. She hugged me again and gave me some of her coffee.
I went back to the MPR and had fun just talking and laughing with my friends. Then the bell rang and we all went to class.
Four Hours Later
Ah! Lunch! Finally. My little sister needed to go get her knee brace from our house so TJ and I went with her. As we walked down my street, I grabbed TJ's hand and we walked hand in hand down the street.
(I mean, Travis had already replaced me with one of the twins. What was I supposed to do? Wait for someone that will never come? I don't think so.)
We went to my house and then walked back to the school. We made it into the MPR just in time to see the Silent Auction for the Senior Butlers. TJ, Bella, and I sat on a table in the very back and watched.
Then the bell rang for 5th hour so we had to leave again.
During 6th hour we had an assembly on sun safety. TJ sat in the bleachers but my teacher made my P.E. class sit in the balcony. I wanted to sit next to him soo bad.
After the assembly it was time to go home. Except I go to lifting til 5 everyday after school. TJ normally goes with me, but he got grounded and had to take the bus home.
Next Day
I never knew how little it would hurt to be told TJ had gone up to Jackie and kissed her the very same day we got together. It barely hurt at all. I just shrugged it off. Oh, well. No big deal, right?
I think I'm beginning to go cold. Not sure, but hey, it's a possibility. I mean, people can only take so much. And maybe I am reaching my breaking point. Who knows though. Who even cares.
I broke up with him the next day. I had my friend Theresa help me. I just need some time on my own, ya know. I mean, after everything that has happened. And plus, I'm still in love with Travis and from what I was told, he is just really good at hiding things and that he's still in love with me too.
I don't know how I can go on like this. I'm losing my mind. My heart aches every time I see him. When I hear his voice it feels like I am being ripped apart from the inside. When I hear his name, I break down and cry as soon as I am alone.
This isn't life. It's got to stop somewhere.
Looking for someone to take away the pain. Any volunteers?
Impressum
Tag der Veröffentlichung: 12.04.2012
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This book goes out to the love of my life. I love you baby.