Chapter 1

Chapter 1


I was starting to doze off when I heard the telephone ring. I looked at the clock, it was 12midnight. I know of only one person who will call me at this time. I quickly got up to answer it. “Allen! It’s Karl. How are you?” “Fine dude, you talk as if we haven’t seen each other for years when we were just hanging out a few hours ago.” Karl has been my best friend since I can remember. He lives next door and since we were the only kids in the neighbourhood, we automatically became best friends. We practically did everything together. By the way, I’m Allen Santiago. I’m half Chinese but I look more Filipino than Chinese. I only get the “Chinese eyes” when I wake up in the morning. I’m 18 years old. 5’6”, 140 pounds, wavy hair, fair complexion, round eyes, and medium built. My best friend, Karl Ferrer is 17 years old, also of Chinese lineage though I don’t know how much. He actually looks more European than Asian. He’s also 5’6”, 120 pounds, unruly hair, and light complexion. “I can’t help but miss my best friend in the whole world. Is that so bad?” He said. Good thing we were talking on the phone or he would have seen my face turn bright red from blushing. “Whatever dude! We still have classes tomorrow so let’s just call it a night. Goodnight!” “Goodnight!” Karl said, and hung up the phone.


Chapter 2


I have always liked Karl. Besides the fact that he is my best friend, he’s also my first love. I forgot to mention that I’m gay. I have been for as long as I can remember but I never got the strength to tell it to anyone. Anyone who sees us together would expect Karl more likely to be gay rather than me. I guess he is too good looking to pass both as a guy or girl. Or maybe it’s because I have feelings for him before I even knew what gay meant. I remember the first time we met. He just moved from the province. I was probably 7 at the time and he was 6. Since I didn’t have anyone my age to play with, I got excited that our new neighbour had a kid. And a very good looking one for that. His parents and my parents became close and since we were both an only child, we both became the sibling neither of us had. I got really protective of him and he got really attached to me. I first found out that I was gay and I had feelings for him when I was 12 years old. We were hanging out as usual and he dozed off. I was looking at him when suddenly I saw something different. As if I was looking at someone I have only seen for the first time. His face looked angelic, his pointy nose which he hated because he feels it’s too pointy looked perfect on his face, and his lips, his luscious red lips looked succulent and before I knew it, I kissed him. I didn’t know how long I was kissing him but when I opened my eyes, I saw him looking at me with a puzzled look. I quickly stopped and I said that I probably dozed off and landed on his lips… LAME! But it worked. He quickly dismissed it and we went on doing our usual childish things.


Chapter 3


I woke up with both the alarm clock and the phone ringing. I shut the alarm off and answered the phone. “Hello?” you can tell from my voice that I just woke up. “Dude! Get your lazy ass up! We’ll be late for school!” It was Karl. “Dude! Relax! We still have plenty of time. Why do you always have to be in a hurry?” I said. “You know I hate getting late.” “OK! I’m getting up.” And with that I hang up the phone. We’re both 4th year high school students. I got held back twice though the second reason why I got held back was because I wanted me and Karl to graduate at the same time. Karl got held back because our school did not allow him to start on time due to some problems with his papers. People would probably ask how we get along when we are both very different. I’m the more athletic and popular type. I’m the captain of our swim team and I have a to-die-for body girls go crazy for. I’m also a dancer in our school and the class clown. I love making people laugh. Karl is more of an introvert, an awkward teenager going through changes and likes to keep things to himself. He’s more into computer stuff. We both never had girlfriends before. It’s quite obvious why I never had one though a lot of girls and even guys go crazy for me. But I only had my eye on one person my entire life. It’s a puzzle why no one would like to claim the prize of being Karl’s first girlfriend because I know he’s better looking than me. Though it is an advantage for my part because he and I could spend more time together and girls would just ruin our quality time. We got to school early as usual, so we hang out. We had all our classes together. I’m amazed at how intelligent Karl was. He’s always at the top of our class while I like goofing off. I don’t know where he finds the time to study with all the time we spend together but he somehow manages to do well in school. School was particularly boring that day and we hang out with our friends at school and went home together and hang out some more. Just the usual stuff we do everyday and went home.


Chapter 4


“Dude!” Karl startled me. It was the weekend and I was planning to sleep all day. I looked at the clock. It was 8am. “Dude! Do you know what time it is? I have only been in bed for like an hour.” I was pissed coz I felt that I needed to sleep some more. “You can’t go to sleep! I have big news!” I looked at him and saw that his smile was bigger than usual. Something was up and my curiosity got the better of me and so I sat up and asked what it was. “I have a date for the prom!” He was almost shouting. I was shocked. I was thinking maybe it was all just a dream. How could he have a date for the prom? The shy boy who doesn’t have the courage to talk to girls suddenly has a date to the prom. We were already planning to go together because I was expecting both of us to be dateless that night. Obviously I’m not keen on getting one because he’s the only one I wanted to go to prom with. It was at the prom when I plan to tell him how I feel. “There’s this girl, Janice, from school. Do you know her? Anyways, I saw her this morning while I was at the market with mum and she came by asked if I wanted to go to prom with her.” He said. I couldn’t speak so I nodded. This is the best thing that has happened to me. I will ask my mum to buy me something nice to wear. I haven’t told her yet because I wanted you to know first. See you later.” He left so fast that I didn’t have time to react to what he just said. I didn’t know whether I should be happy for him or not. I just sat there for what seemed like hours, shocked.


Chapter 5


“Mrs Ferrer, is Karl home?” “Sorry dear, he left about an hour ago, said he was going to meet someone.” My heart sank. It wasn’t like him to leave without telling me where he would go and we usually go out together. I decided to just keep myself preoccupied by listening to some music and avoid thinking too much of him. After a while, I dozed off. Then I felt someone lying on top of me. I woke up to see Karl with a very big grin. I looked at the time. I slept for nearly 4 hours. I sat up and asked him why he’s grin is so big. “I have a girlfriend.” I was speechless. It was like de ja vu all over again. It was last week when he said he had a date for the prom. Now he has a girlfriend. I put on a smile even though my heart was breaking. “Tell me all about it.” Was the only thing I thought was appropriate to say at the time. He told me about how he kept in touch with Janice, the girl who asked him to go to the prom with, and they went out a few times that week and that they just officially became a couple a few hours ago. And with that, I felt like my world has suddenly ended. I wanted to say that he’s better off with me and that I love him since the first time I saw him but I know that would be completely inappropriate so I just let out a weak smile and he just looked at me and said I was too shocked to react so he decided to just leave me at my thoughts and went home.


Chapter 6


I couldn’t believe at how fast things changed. It was only a few days ago that he was my world and I was his. But now, at the rate things are going, I might lose the only guy I ever loved. I was suddenly mad at the world. The past few days, Karl and I didn’t get to hang out at all. Not because he was busy with his girlfriend, but because I kept making up lame excuses so that I won’t have time to be near him afraid of what I might say. I started to become destructive to both people around me and to myself. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I wanted to let it all out but I don’t know how because no one knew my secret. Two weeks passed and I was so engrossed with playing an online game. I got so pissed at how rotten my luck was so I decided to stop and listened to some music. Then I started to cry. I remembered Karl and all the times we were together. I suddenly exclaimed “I LOVE YOU KARL!” and I felt relieved. Then I heard someone breathe behind me.


Chapter 7


I turned around and saw Karl sitting on my bed. I felt light-headed and I couldn’t breathe. We were looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Then Karl said “I better leave” and he got up and walked out. I stay fixated on the door for a long time before I burst into tears again. Things got really weird between us and people started to notice. They would tease us in class and I would give them an angry look and they would stop. We haven’t said a word to each other for a month. This was the longest we haven’t spoke to each other. The only time we couldn’t speak with each other was when we were kids. We were grounded for a month because we almost burned our neighbour’s house. But even with that, we got ingenious and we made a line made of yarn where we talked. Now, whenever we see each other in the hallways, I move towards the opposite direction to avoid him and our class got a whole lot quiet now that I don’t make much noise. Sometimes, if things get too much for me to handle, I’d ditch class to compose myself. I decided to break the ice and went to his house. ‘Hi Mrs Ferrer! Is Karl home?” “I haven’t seen you in a while Allen. Karl’s upstairs. Go ahead.” My heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it was going to explode. The door was slightly open so I knocked softly, took a deep breath, and entered into the room to what felt like walking towards certain death. I saw him sitting in front of the computer looking at me with the same expression he had the last time he was in my room one month ago. “Can I come in?” He nodded. I sat on his bed and he fixed his chair so that he was facing me. I didn’t know what to say. Then he spoke. “I’m sorry.” I was surprised. I couldn’t say anything. He continued. “I shouldn’t have walked away when I heard you say what you said. I was caught off guard and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to you the next day and tell you that it’s all ok, that I’m still your friend but you started avoiding me.” I could tell that he was holding back his tears. “No. I’m sorry. I was afraid of what you’d do so I decided that the best way to do would be to avoid you.” We hugged for a few minutes with tears falling. How I missed him. He asked me when I started to have feelings for him and what it felt like being gay. I answered everything truthfully. That I have always loved him and that I’m still the same. I just happen to like boys. I asked him if he felt the same way I feel for him. He sat there quietly for a few minutes and said he wasn’t gay. I was hoping that my dreams would finally come true but I decided to just be happy because he is still a part of my life.


Chapter 8


The next day, he introduced me to his girlfriend. She was pretty… for a girl. He could do better. I’m way better than her in every way. But of course I can’t tell him that. I don’t want him to know how jealous I was to see them hold hands and so sweet in public. I just put out a fake smile but deep inside I was secretly hoping I was the lucky one. As the day dragged on, I found myself hating the girl more, getting irritated with every little detail about her. The way she laughed, the way she tossed her hair. Everything! But I decided to work hard to get close to her and wait until they break up then he will come back to me and he might change his mind about me. For the next couple of days, I would always tag along with them and tried to be the same old me but something changed after I told Karl the truth. Deep down, I wanted him to choose me over her. I would easily get mad at him for no apparent reason and would be overly sensitive at what he says. At first he was cool about it, he would be the first one to apologize and would try to make things better even though at times I would really make it hard on him. But as my jealousy grew, things got more and more complicated between us. I was starting to feel that I’m losing my friend and it makes me do things out of desperation. But in the end, we would make things work and we go back to the way it was, though probably the crack in our friendship was starting to grow.


Chapter 9


Prom night, I managed to ask a girl to the prom. Her name was Macy or Stacy. Whatever her name was, it didn’t matter because I plan to tell him how I feel for him before the night is over. Maybe this time he will give me a chance so that we could be together. The girls went to the ladies room and we were left alone on the table. I decided that it’s now or never. “Karl, I have something to tell you.” He looked at me and didn’t say anything. “I love you. And I don’t know how long I could just stand here and not tell you this. I was hoping you’d give me a chance. Break up with Janice and be with me. I know I can make you happy.” He didn’t say anything. He just sat there silently looking straight at me, and then all of a sudden he stood and went out. I followed him and asked him to talk to me. He looked around and when he was sure no one was there. He shouted “Are you crazy?! I thought we have been over this before. I love you but only as a friend. I want to spend my life with Janice. I love her” “But why won’t you try to love me too. I have been jealous of her since I first met her and I wished everyday you’d break up with her to be with me.” Tears were starting to well in my eyes. “I’m sorry that you feel that way Allen. But I just can’t be with you the way you want. And if you can’t accept that then I guess we should go our separate ways.” Then he went back to the party.


Chapter 10


I didn’t expect it to end this way. I was hoping that before the night ends, we would be a couple. I was crying so hard. I just didn’t know what to do. I decided to go home. I was walking towards the car when someone I felt something poking me on my back. “Give me your car keys and no one gets hurt.” This day just keeps getting worse. I didn’t know what to do. “Hey! What are you doing to my friend?” I know that voice. It was Karl. I accidentally dropped my keys to the ground and then I felt a sharp pain at the back of my head and I blacked out. Next thing I remember I heard strange noises and I heard someone crying. It was my mom. I opened my eyes and she hugged me. I asked what happened and they said someone tried to take my car and that Karl came and tried to stop the thief. Suddenly I remembered everything and I asked them what happened to Karl. They didn’t speak. My mom cried some more and I knew something bad has happened to him. I demanded them to tell me what happened. They told me he got shot while he was trying to stop the thief. I told them to bring me to him. He was in the Intensive Care Unit. I saw his parents outside and hugged them. I asked if I could see him and the nurses allowed me but only for a short time. He was awake when I got there. He smiled at me weakly. And I cried. I said “sorry you got shot because of me and I’m sorry about what I said to you earlier.” He just smiled at me and said “you don’t need to be sorry. I’m the one who should apologize. I came out to talk to you when I saw the man held you at gunpoint.” “You shouldn’t have been shot if it wasn’t for me. I’m really sorry.” “You shouldn’t cry. You look ugly when you cry.” He joked. “And you look handsome no matter what you wear.” I said. We talked more before the nurse asked me to leave.


Chapter 11


Before I left, he asked me about the night I kissed him. I told him I was captivated by his beauty and I didn’t realize I kissed him. He told me that kiss made him feel the love I have for him. He may not feel the same way for me but he said that with that kiss he felt that he mattered to someone. Then he asked me something I never expected from him. He asked me to kiss him again on the lips. I was surprised. Here he was telling me he didn’t feel the same way but now he asks me to kiss him. He said “the kiss doesn’t mean I feel the same way for you. The kiss is just to remind you that you are loved no matter who you are and also to remind me of how much you love me. Girls can kiss each other on the lips and not be called homo so why can’t guys kiss too.” I wanted to say it was society’s way of being stupid and closed-minded but I couldn’t argue with him. After that kiss, I always wanted to have another chance and this was the chance that I have been waiting for. I leaned forward and kissed him. It was a short kiss but I felt his love for me. We said goodbye and he said “I love you friend. Don’t ever forget that.” “I love you too. Don’t you ever forget it too.” And I went home with my parents.


Chapter 12


The phone rang and I woke up. I was wondering who it could be. My mom answered it and I decided to get up and visit Karl in the hospital. As soon as I finished showering, I changed and went down to eat breakfast. I saw mom and dad sitting in the living room. “We need something to tell you.” I went in and sat. Mom said that it was Karl’s mother who called. Then she burst into tears. My dad hugged her and he continued what she was trying to say. “We don’t know how to say this to you so we’ll tell it to you straight. Karl died a few minutes ago.” I didn’t know what to do. I was in shock. They were talking to me but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. The only thing echoing in my mind were the words “Karl died” the world seemed to slow down. And I was completely blank. I just remember getting in the car to go to the hospital. The drive going to the hospital felt like it took hours. When we got to the hospital, I saw his mom and she hugged me tight. I was still completely numb. It was hours before they brought him to the funeral home. I saw his casket and saw him laying there. I just stood in front of his coffin without moving, looking at his lifeless body. He was still beautiful. But now he’s gone. I didn’t say anything the whole time during his wake. I just sat there quietly even as they buried his coffin. I was completely shocked. It was days later when I snapped out of my shock. And shock turned to anger. I was angry at the world again for the second time in my life. I turned to drinking and smoking for companion. I even did drugs. My parents got worried and tried to talk to me but I was still very angry and didn’t listen.


Chapter 13


It was days later when Karl’s mom came by the house. I didn’t dare do anything stupid in front of the guy I loved. She gave me a letter and said she found this just today when they were sorting out Karl’s things. She left me to read my letter privately. It was addressed to me and it was sealed. It said
“Dear Allen, if you’re reading this then it means I have passed away. I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to have been your friend. I feel so blessed with the love you shared to me. You are a real friend. I’m sorry that I can’t love you the way you wanted but I love you as a brother and for me that is deeper than any kind of love I could ever give to anyone. What I said to you in the hospital is true. You mean everything to me as a friend and a brother and I don’t want to lose that. If I don’t make it, I just want to tell you to keep on living. I don’t want my brother to die with me. I want him to keep on living and inspire others to fight no matter what hardships come their way. Thank you for everything.
P.S. I want you to know that you were my only kiss besides my parents. After the first time you kissed me, I vowed to only kiss the person who I know will never leave me. Thank you for the kiss.”


Chapter 14


I cried so hard for hours. Here I was angry with the world when I had so much to live for. After composing myself, I went to my parents and hugged them and told them how sorry I was for acting out. They said they understood what I was going through and that they forgive me. I also got the courage to tell them I was gay and they accepted me. I tried to get my life back and tried to enjoy it. But I will never forget my brother, the one who completed my life. I never loved anyone else again the same way I did for him. I was his first and last kiss, and he was also my first and last kiss and my first and last love.

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Tag der Veröffentlichung: 04.01.2012

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