chapter 1 - 14.12.2023

i used to not care about the way i type but nowadays i am getting more and more perfectionistic with it. i just want it to look clean or i am not happy with it anymore and get an uncomfortable feeling. it is comparable to eating something i am not supposed to. like pasta or bread or fries or cheese or cake or or burger or crisps or sandwiches or ice cream or pizza or cereal or cookies or chocolate or donuts or chicken nuggets or wraps or brownies or pretty much anything that is not vegetables or lean beef or chicken. my current obsession is soup. i eat at least two every single day and they make me feel so safe and happy. 

anyway, i kinda rambled. sorry for wasting your time. today is the 13th of december and i have not weighed myself in over a week because i did binge a couple of times and i don't fully trust purging. i do it but i still count the calories i consumed. so i am probably lower than last time i weighed myself but if i am higher i would be very sad. maybe i will do it tomorrow. not sure. i am an adult woman stuck with the mindset of a 16 year old teenager and it is so embarrassing but all i can think of is how i need to get worse because right now i am too healthy and it makes me feel like i do not deserve people caring about me. i will stick to liquid fasting until christmas eve when i have to eat dinner with my family but i already calculated everything and unless i lose control i could easily stay under a thousand calories for the day. but until then all i will be consuming are soups and teas and protein shakes. and i do not even feel hungry. maybe i need to lower my intake. it is getting too easy. 

all my life i kind of just wanted to be invisible because in my head other people will perceive me the way i would and that is genuinely terrifying. at the same time though i crave attention so bad. not in a way where i want pity from my friends or family. well maybe also in that way. i don't know okay. i just want to feel cared for and loved and protected. i want a home but my body is not my home it is an old tent in a dark forest with monsters hiding behind every tree. i am scared of being here. do you understand?

also, me referring to my friends and family is a bit vague. i have a boyfriend who lives around 2000km away from me and one friend who i met in highschool, we see each other once a month for an hour or two. oh and then there's another girl who i really like. she lived in the same town as i did and we went to middle school together. her and i have a lot of things in common. but we never really speak. maybe i do not have any friends. apart from my boyfriend. my family is big but the only people i speak to are my mum and my younger brother who is by the way the complete opposite of me. he is successful, does not struggle financially and has no mental health issues. the only two things we share are our passion for video games and drugs i guess. he is not addicted though. i was or am addicted to benzodiazepines, alprazolam which is basically xanax and lorazepam, better known as tavor. i was trying to get sober after going to the emergency room because i experienced withdrawal symptoms and didn't understand what was going on and confessing to my therapist that i have been self medicating with faked prescriptions. i was actually clean for like one week but life without it just feels even more miserable so i gave up on that for now. well well well, back to lying to doctors i guess. i am stupid and never learn from my mistakes. goodnight.

wait, before i go i wanted to introduce myself and give you a reason for writing such a boring and depressing and lifeless diary, i guess you could call it that. i go by the name casilia, i am a 22 year old girl and live in germany. i have been diagnosed with an eating disorder and borderline personality disorder in the beginning of 2020. before that my diagnosis was always just depression and after that i also started struggling with anxiety. especially social anxiety makes life very hard for me at times. i was in a psychiatric outpatient clinic for around 8 weeks in the beginning of this year and it did help to a certain extent because it kind of made me leave my house. but that did not last very long. so i am back on my bullshit.

7:59am. i can not sleep. my job interview is at 2pm. what did i just do? take a molly. why. i will message them and lie and beg to reschedule. i need the money so bad.

chapter 1 - 15.12.2023

 well today was not good. it started really good because i felt so pretty and happy when i was high and everything was so nice until my boyfriend woke up. he is upset because i did molly instead of going to sleep so i felt really bad all day and did not allow myself food. how can i upset the only person i love? i am a bad girlfriend. he is still barely speaking to me so i will not be eating today i guess. but i kind of don't regret taking the pill because i have not felt this happy in a very long time and i was also okay with my body and face and it felt so peaceful. i did end up sleeping for around two hours at one pm. i am very tired. i hope i can sleep tonight because i do not want to take xanax i only have five left and they need to last at least a few more days.

i think my main problem in life is self sabotaging. i cannot stop harming myself. i quit medications cold turkey, i take drugs, i starve myself, i purge, i binge, i spend money i don't have, i am friends with bad people, i cut myself, i burn my skin with boiling water. for some reason i feel like i do not deserve to be happy so whenever my life gets a little better i make sure to ruin it. maybe i am afraid of it getting ruined by something else so i do it myself so i don't have to deal with the disappointment? i am not sure. to an extent i also enjoy pain. i think my kinks are mainly trauma responses though so me enjoying it doesn't really mean anything. i think about younger me a lot, she deserved so much better and i wish i could go back in time and prevent her from starving herself and cutting her skin. i think she just wanted to be seen and loved and cared for. doing things for attention is not a negative thing. it is a desperate thing. do not laugh at others for their "attention-seeking" behaviour. instead, ask them if they are doing okay. maybe you will save a life.

i do not have much else to say today. i am tired so i think i will go to sleep soon, if i can. it is not even midnight yet. actually, i hope my boyfriend calls me and wants to spend time with me before bed. i don't think i will eat though, even if he does. i do not deserve food today and i need to suffer for causing him negative feelings. goodnight.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 14.12.2023

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Widmung:
for my mother, who does not deserve losing a second child and for my brother, who does not deserve to be an only child, i love you