The Creature Inside of Me

You try to hide it
But I can see it in your eyes
You try to blink away the tears

No one can hear me scream
It's like I have no voice
No one even cares

I feeling so small
It's like I have no power at all
No one see's me anymore
Why can't I just shut that door

There is no light in this hallway for me
No light by which I could see
I draw my art upon my skin
Stained by blood is my sin

It's to hard to let go
In this cold cold snow
I swear I've screamed till my throat burns
But still no head turns

I forgive to easy
And when I do I get a little queasy
People say the good die young
But the bad die old

When can I be forgiven
I'll just disappear like a magician
Some people think I'm an angel
But in my head I am a devil

I just want to run away
Run away from the person I'm supposed to be
They all try to save
Save my soul from the beast inside me!

But in reality no one cares
No one tries to make any repairs
On my fragile broken heart
The heart that supposedly split a part

My art work isn't the best
I have this heavy weight in my chest
People think I'm a great artist
But I really think it's the hardest

In my family I'm in the middle
But I feel younger like I am so little
Some people secretly think I am a vampire
Probably because I hide from the sun

I only hide because I don't like being tan
I would rather be pale like a man
Again I say my drawings are kind of amateur
He says to himself, "I can never be good enough for her!"

But in reality I can never be good enough for him
Even the thought is grim
I try to laugh away the pain
But it just comes back through the rain

There is nothing left to hide behind
The love I have now is just plain blind
Not him, but me
I am just a jealous devotee

All the water around me cuts off my air
The signs around the lake of life say beware
But I ignore all the signs and just float right in
Now I am not eating and am way to thin

People who care tell me if I fall they will carry me home
But these days what do I call home
Is it my grandpa's house
Or is it my friends

Maybe my dad
But of course I can't go to my dad
He just makes me down right mad!
Mad of stuff he says to make me sad

No one listens when I talk
I walk right up and knock
"Hello?" but no one is there
Why should I even care?

Speak or Sleep

 Good bye or hello?
of which to say I don't know
Good bye to my old happy life
or Hello to my new dark side?

Smile or Die
I have no clue which to do
Smile fakely for the rest of my life
or Die in agony from suicide?

Love or Hate
I can't tell which is easier
Love everyone including your enemies
or Hate everyone even those you love?

Cry or Lie
so so difficult
Cry, let everyone know I'm not ok
or Lie say I'm fine but break inside?

Suffocating Scents

Smells
What really are they
you would think you know
I that that I love people smells
like my boyfriend
or you would like how your parents smell
my boyfriends smell is very distinct
at least to me
I try to smell others
but his scent is to strong
it's like it's trying to strangle me
so I sleep
I still can only smell him
I could be miles away
and still have his scent
inside my nose
there is something wrong
the smell is burned into my nose!

Help Me!

 All my tears subside
All my pain flares
My wrists and legs are on fire
Or at least that's how it feels
I want to someone to scratch
But no one dares scratch for me
It pains their souls to see me this way
But for my sake I shall stay
There is limited time left for me
Left on this earth for me to dream
I try to love but feel so lost
I try no matter the cost
few people know my problems
my closest friends hardly know me
I don't wish to trust others with my heart
so I am split apart 
split from society
for this last time in eternity
I say, please help me!

Runaway

 I'm a runaway
I'm an orphan
people tell me to stay
that I can fit in
but I run
because that's what's meant for me
I like to shun
keep people away from the beast I'm meant to be
love is just a fairytale
I tell myself that
but how can it be
when I have met my soul mate
it pains him to see me this way
if I do it he will to
I can't let him though
I'm a runaway
I shut people out
they try to pry in
but I'm closed up tight
they ask buggy questions of me
but in reality
I'm just a runaway

Sadness

 

Sadness is the water

That the ocean spills out

Every tear we cry

All your wishes to die

 

You cry behind locked doors

Wishing to end the suffering

Hoping someone will come out

To show you they care

 

But no one will show their face

Only because they’re afraid

Afraid to end up like you

In a world of shame

 

Care can be shown

Through the love that we share

Though every waking moment is spent

Wallowing in despair

Heart of Ice

 

My father has no heart
if he does he does not show it
It's hard on her
To know my father
he threatens her and beats her
Till she lies still in her pool of blood
He takes away her family
And her courage is running low
She can not tell me
or he would know

I've tried to keep her safe

But ended up getting myself hurt

No one could possibly know

How it feels to be an outsider

Especially in your own home

No one understands the pain

That goes along with divorce

No one understands the pain 

of a broken heart

Until it tears you apart

Crying everyday

Until you fall astray

No one will care

Not a single soul 

They will just stop and stare

Like you are a freak show at a circus

On display for all to see

And that is why 

My father has no heart

Ants

 Ants

So similar to me

Afraid of nothing

Yet scared of everything

Paranoid?

Only to see death coming

Humans?

A total new concept to me

Picking you up only to torture you

Showing everyone your flaws

As if you don't already see them

So you cut till you feel no more

Then someone notices the scars left behind

And they worry

They can't eat or sleep  until you're fixed

Then they stop caring and you break all over again

No one comes along this time

And then one day it becomes enough

So one last final cut

But this time your throat

You leave everyone behind

They all say they've tried

But they didn't

And everyone you hated for making You cry

Is crying at your funeral

And you watch them 

In all there agony

Everyone who ruined your life

Who drove you to the grave

All get torn apart and broken.

Just. Like. You.

Perfect? I think not

 You honestly think I'm perfect?

You honestly think I care?

Well I'm not 

So can you stop with the yelling?

please?

It makes me cry.

You might think I'm to quiet,

Or that I'm super shy

But the truth is you really get to know me

And I'm a loud and annoying person

People make fun because I notice things

Probably things no one else would

But I'm different

I've moved on from that fact

I've accepted that I'm weird

So why can't you?

It's my life not yours.

I'm not going to be perfect at everything

So just be happy that I'm me

 That I'm true to myself

Unlike some

Fake tanned

Skinny legged

Beach blonde bimbo's out there

They are cheaters

Who date you for a prop

So they don't look lonely

So they can be "liked"

But I'm real

So honestly

I'm not perfect

But honestly

I do not care!

 

Voices

There is a voice

It fills my head

Telling me lies

Making me feel dead

 

People tell me I'm 'fine'

But they don't hear the words

That fill up the spaces

All I ever heard

 

It tells me I'm fat

So I pull at my skin

I eat less and less

Yet I still don't feel thin

 

I stare all day

Because even when I talk

I feel unheard

And all people do is mock

 

But when I hear your laugh

Or see your smile

My heart begins to melt

And beat like I just ran a mile

 

There's the little voice

That I now ignore

Listening only to yours

Making me feel so much more.

Flaws and Beauty

 I try to catch my breath

But I look at you again

It gets harder to breathe 

As I get lost in your beauty

 

You seem so perfect 

So I choose not to disturb your beautiful aura

Looking at you from afar

Trying my hardest to stay invisible

 

But when you glance around the room 

And our eyes happen to meet

My hearts starts to leap

And my face turns a deep red

 

It makes me afraid

When you smile and wave

So I rush away

Leaving before I'm required to speak

 

When I talk

Stupid things come out

That you don't need to hear

I leave before I can embarrass myself.

 

So you can never see my flaws

Frozen

 Every time you come to my mind

It's like I'm frozen in place

I try to be nice and kind

But this feeling scares me when I see your face

 

Afraid to tell you how I feel

Scared of getting a broken heart

So I won't; I'll just get hurt and heal

But you're so funny, kind, and smart

 

I don't know if I'll get over this silly crush

But seeing you makes my heart race

My limbs become mush

And my mind begins to pace.

Hello

 You yell at me

From across the room

Seemingly for no reason

But I'm enclosed in my tomb

 

Trying to block out

Every vile twisted word

That is said to or about me

And my fingers get curled

 

My blood starts to boil

From all this pent up anger

To the world  for trying

Everyday; to break me, saying I need to learn

 

But nothing can teach me

Without using kindness

And trying to break me

Because I'm just a fragile mess.

Goodbye

 Crawling out of my personal hell

It's what everyone calls my home

But 'home' doesn't seem to fit

As I lie in bed hoping I was alone

Yet every single morning I wake

Into this cruel unforgiving world

As people try to change me

My fingers start to become curled

Fists clenched at my sides 

I make the decision for tonight

As my fingertips reach the cold steal blade

It stings as it slits my wrist but I'm 'alright'

I'm already gone when you walk in

Your fake scream the only sound for miles

As I lay dead and forgotten

I finally dropped all the fake smiles.

Caring? What is that?

Who even cares about us

Who wants to know anymore

For all our lives we fought

Not knowing what was instore

 

You were the absent father

And I the broken child

As I fought the tears each night

No happy memories were filed

 

I wasted so much time

Trying to impress you

But I never really stopped to think

About why my sky was so blue

 

All of the pain that was caused

Was because I was trying too hard

To do somehting right

So I was left all scarred.

Girl Burning in the Sun

 Old friends were very wise

I told you about your father

You told me about the other side

Where darkness and light are hated

 

In those dreams

You were behind me 

Just behind

But everytime I turned

You dissapeared

 

Not filled with laughter

She saw me weeping

Unafraid you walked into the sun.

Living Nightmare

 'Cause I'm just a living nightmare

Gonna crawl away and hide

'Cause I can see into your soul

And you can see into mine

I hate to say it

But you might be the one

That's meant to be with me

Through all of eternity

'Cause I'm just a living Nightmare

Crawling and hiding from despair. 

Thoughts

 People are surrounding me

Talking very loud

Yet not a single word

Enters my fragile mind

 

Then I hear some rumors

People calling me names

So I'm caught in this rut

Thinking that I'm not worth it

 

Thoughts swarm in my head

About suicide and cutting

Making me blind

To those who actually want me

 

No one's here to find me

Save me from the dark

Pull me from the pits

I'm covered in tar

 

Tar is the rumors

That suffocate my mind

Dragging my elation down

And makes me feel NOTHING...

Love Unwanted

 Love can hurt

It can lead you astray

Blindness is common

Especially in the day

 

Nothing heals the pain

Of a love gone wrong

Making you feel lost

But you were all along

 

All the lies he sold

You bought them

As if they were diamonds

All to precious to hold

 

You handed him the gun

Though you expected

That he wouldn't shoot

He did; a little bit demented

 

Your love for him

It has withered

With the summer sun

Like a snake, away he slithered

 

He left a gaping hole

Making you feel unwanted

Pushing everyone away

Your soul, now forever haunted.

Finding Myself

 Carry me home

To the place that I belong

I have been on my own

Singing to my own song

 

Set free so I can roam

Wandering with no aim

I've been lost and found

Trying to find my name.

The Library

 Stories you're told

Aren't always complete

If you don't listen to both sides

Where the missing ends meet

 

But when you have plans

And the other person fails

Your rage starts to boil

And your strongest fist sails

 

You act before you listen

Anger starting to subside

But you can't stop the fight 

For now the other persons remarks are snide.

Thank You for Hope

 I feel right now

The happiest I've been

In a while

As I see your smile

Lighting up when I see your face

 

Light floods the hallway

Creating a safe path to roam

As you look into the shadows

Seeing all your deepest fears

Creeping towards the edge

 

They try to scare you

And makes you stand in the dark

But you push against them

Prefering to walk in the light

As your fears all subside

Beauty Around Us

 Light steaking across the sky

As a shooting star

Enters our atmosphere at last

Falling fast towards the Earth

 

A single flower

On a rocky, barren mountain side

Springs forth whilst bringing hope

That life can sprout again

 

Jagged edges of beauty

Surround the waters shore

Climbing steep and high

To get to the cliff's peak.

Alone by Choice

 Depression 

It clouds my thoughts

As my vision goes blury

Slowly I become self-conscious

 

Clawing at my skin

Trying hard to hide

Wanting to forget

The rumors around me that fly

 

Taking away my freedom

Making me seem 'normal'

Dragging along behind

My movements becoming sluggish

 

Shutting people out 

It seems my only true talent

Not wanting to be judged

Turning to pain and eating

 

Pills that started

Only to numb the pain

Now just become

A constant thought on my brain

 

Dying slowly inside

Trying not to cry

People all try to help 

But they only freak me out

Blank Expressions

 Every morning you wake

You are fresh

A blank slate

 

You choose your way

Though happy and dark

Always seem grey

 

Moving with precision

You plaster a smile

Across your blank expression

 

Laughing and talking

All of it's pretend

Just to cover up your pain

 

As times goes on

Faking it gets old

So finally the mask slips

 

It falls too far to grasp

Unable to be found

As you slip behind a closed door

 

You search as you become lost

Because people don't care

They just leave you behind

 

You finally find it

But this time it's real

Because that smile you have 

Has had time to heal

Faceless

 You treat me like garbage

Yet you're the one who walked away

Stopped trying to see us

On all of our birthdays

 

You belittle me till I cry

Making me feel like trash

But you can stop acting all tough

In the end you'll just crash

 

You break through my walls

Yet you aren't my dad

You may be blood

But love isn't to be had

 

You can't act like my father

When I'm doing fine on my own

Even though I've tried to have you see me

My true self has yet to be known

 

Telling me I need to learn my place

Yet you seem to forget yours

Because I will say again

The place of my father is not yours.

A short poem about Anorexia

 

Food.

It’s a constant thought in my brain

But not to eat it

That would drive me insane

I can’t eat 

Otherwise I’d want to die

My friends all try to make me

But I can’t bring myself

To chew and swallow

The food that’s needed

To keep me alive.

So that’s my Achilles' heel,

Food.

Food is the enemy

 

Food is the enemy

Ana is my friend

She helps me

To lose the unwanted weight

Because I’m fat

I am also worthless

Say that I’m thin

But I won’t believe you

I’ll believe my truth

The truth that I see

Anytime I look in the mirror

Because I’m not okay

I am most definitely sick

But people don’t ever notice

They don’t even seem to care

I’ve asked for help before

But they just pushed me away

Told me I was fine

So here I am again

Believing that food

Food is the enemy.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 26.03.2017

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