Just So You Realize...

I just want to tell you a little bit about me. 

I am a very colerful person and can forgive easly. The people around me have a lot of influence to my life. 

When I was young I was abused and I will never forget that, nor do I want to. 

It tells who I am, and what I over came. 

Do I want you to feel bad? 

Heck no!

I am proud of all the things in my life that have happened. 

The things that inspire me to be me. The things that have formed and shaped me. Every person in the world knows somebody. 

Wait! No, I don't. Do I? 
     Yes, you do. If you read a story. If you talk to people. If you look around you know someone. And sometimes the people around you are part of who you are and you can never change that. 

Things happen in the United States that Americans will never forget. But that is who we are and what we may or may not stand for. 

What in the world does this have to do with you? 

Everything. 

That is who you are. How you are raised. Who your friends are. Why you like the things you do. Why you are alive. 

Hold on! 

Don't space off and think off all the things that have changed you. They are there, weather you know it or not. 

And yet again you don't know anybody or you don't want to? 

Well, to bad. Because you are going to know me and some of the people that have changed me. This is my ranting and my writing. How I keep hold of the edge of the clif. 

The same clif that was made for us to climb and conquer. The one that we will. In our own way. Weather you share or not, you will know your story. 

I'm sure you have a way to tell other people about yourself, but this is my way and I hope that you like it. 

Enjoy!

Thanks for all the support, I owe you. 

By the way I have some ramdom thoughts and stories in there and poems that have changed me. 

Feeling Poems

One Look

 

I have to say

I had a good day

It was because of you

Day after day

 

You make me see

That you can see and be

All that you plee

 

Flying through the Sky

Whooping in the willow trees

Whispering in the wind

Wishing to a stat

 

You like to joke

Even when we poke

Wrapping us in an invisible cloak

One that can’t be broke

 

You give me that look

Knowing you can’t be shook

Your sturdier then a book

 Wall it took was that look

For me to have a good day 

 

    This is for one of the best teaches I have ever had, she truly inspired me every day and was one of the people that helped me make it through life. I'm not sure if she relizes it or not. 

 

 

 

Cold 

 

Gold leaves falling to the ground

Winter calling to be heard

Snowflakes falling to be found

Cold coming to be absurd

 

Christmas coming

Carrales calling

Snowflakes flaring

Me not really caring  

But for the blare of cold

 

Rain for rainbows

Rot and restlessness

Mosquitoes and misleadings

Depression and darkness

Sadness and sorrow

 

Cold is dark and dumb

Instead of cold we need to see

Sun not snow

Heat not hail

Rainbows without rain

Just to be fair

Because I really care

 

I hate everything that has to do with cold. Winter, rain, hail, fall and yes, snow. Yes, some things are beautiful but like the cold, they can be stupid. Sorry about being hateful, but the cold is really dumd, at least that's what I think. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Guilt 

 

Grinding of the Gut

Heart pounding in pain

Feeling the sorrow of shame

Every story’s not the same

 

I can remember the time

When I took something that wasn’t mine

Only if I was worth a dime

It was a tiny crime

But I still had to do the time

 

You were bad

That makes me mad

I cry to the man who calls himself principal

Saying  I was unthinkable

 

I cried and cried

My eyes were never dry

I can remember the pain from that day

I have to say that I changed

I stayed all that day

Thinking of what was done

Coping with the pain

And the grinding of the gut we call guilt

 

What did I take what did I take! 

Oh that's easy. 

It was when I was in third grade. We had those open desks and I just so happened to see one of those nice pens sitting there. Of course I took it. There was really nothing else to do really. And so I put it in my pants. Yes I said pants. But it was only on the sode, don't worry. And then it took 3 days for them to figure out it was me. But it was one pen. 

      I had to sit in the office over lunch to think of what I should have done instead. 

      Yup, I should have taken them all. Then they wouldn't have known he had any in the first place, wow I am just so smart. 

      The worst part wasn't sitting in the office. It was the fact that it was on my birth day. I stayed in the office, ON MY BIRTH DAY! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

School

 

The building is a pillar of knowledge

Whispering in the wind it’s wisdom

Waiting to be wanted

Always there watching like a hawk

 

It calls to them to get to class

As the wisdom is wasted

The whining of wounded up teens

Zigzags through the halls

Flying  like butterflies and humming like bees

 

It’s a place here and there

And almost everywhere

Where you learn and grow

Where you cry and shout

Whine and pout

 

It hears the sighs and happy cries

When the day is done

And they leave to see the sun

The School says bye as they go to have fun    

They will come back

They don’t think it’s good or cool

But it’s the school

 

    That was me everyday in school. But most of the teachers hate us anyway and know I'm at the age that I know that school is a good thing. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See You and Me

 

You and Me

Are meant to see

And there will be all those

Weeping willow trees

 

Me and Myself

Can very well sit on the shelf

Thats whats meant to be with me

It’s not like I’m an elf

 

They and them

Grew like a stem

 

Us and we

Can climb that tree of misery

Look about without a doubt

 

You are meant to see with me

Go to the shelf with myself

Go like a stem with them

Climb that tree of misery with we

 

It’s like a bell and you can tell

Ringing with me

Marvlus for myself

To the tree with we

We were always meant to be

But you don’t seem to see

 

I think that every one in the world has a crush once that didn't like them back. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lies 

 

Why there is no point

There is always pain

There is no pride

You sometimes do cry

When you decide to lie

 

When you don’t care to share

It is not only you that will seem so care

Because when you play truth or dare in life

You take the dare

Because you didn’t want to share      

 

Just open your mouth

Make your choice to let it out

Only when It’s a lie does it not count

They will feel your loud voicing dout

 

What wrong with the truth

Like babe Ruth

You always look to the truth

 

If you lie then you will die

There will be no good bye pie

You will cry for what you have done

All because you decided to lie

Maybe you will just die inside

Yes, I’m sure that you’ve heard not to lie. Everyone is told that, but not all listen. I’m not saying that I don’t lie. I’m saying that I do. That’s why it has such an impact on me. Because I told a lie and I did indeed die inside a little bit. I got in even more trouble for telling the lie then I would have for the action. We all lie and now it is time for you to accept it and tell the truth.

 

 

Friends

Do I have a lot of friends?

No I don’t, but the ones that I do have matter everything to me. They were the ones that got me through everything. And friends like that are always true to you and what you stand for They are the ones that accept your weirdness and roles with it. They accept you so you do the same. Over time me and my friends grew closer and closer. It was so much fun and I did learn a lot to.

Crap, that’s basicly my little pony all over again. Yes, i watched that, but only because I had a younger sister.

So me and my pony friends all had the magical power of friendship. And somehow everything was so much more dramatic than it had to be. And then one of them became princess and then ond was a party planner. And somehow everything stopped making sense when everything got to dramatic and stupid.

So… yup that’s my life. My little pony in real life.

Just add people. And boys. And real life. And a little more drama. And don’t forget the stupid people. And the part in life when sometimes you weren’t meant to be friends.

And I would love for you to know a little bit more about the people that have been there for me.  

 

 

So lets start with a rescent memory.....

 

 

You look over the steep hill and dread you choice. You want to go back, you will die if you go down. There are arms reaching out to grab you on the way. You don’t know it but the monsters are behind you. You look at the slick icing cover spread on the hill. Noting all the dips rivets. Brave souls go before to, mocking your cowardice. This hill is big and it’s name ecos to growl of a bear. Dearing all to go. You look down again and start to turn, even though my feet in perfect triangle formation. Then I go flying forward from the hard push of the monsters behind. I let out a screech as I welcome death.

Yet again my imagination takes over. That’s not what happend. I was skiing at Cristity mountain in Bruce wisconsin. It was so much fun, then came the double black diamond. Fun. Sure i’ve been skiing 4 times before, but never here and it’s been a while. The hill wasn’t that bad when I was done. But it was in the twenty minutes I stood at the top of it. Yes twenty minutes. It took forever and then my friend pushed me down. Her name is……

You know, maybe that’s not important. Well, it starts with M. So that’s what I will call her. M is the best. But she wanted me to go down and so she made me. I will never forget it. But I didn’t hit the trees like I thought that I would. And all was good, but this year when we go, I’ll get her back. Watch out M, here I come.

Okay, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound like some creepy psycho.

Replacement

 “You are worthless.”

“Ugly *****.”

“Why can’t you die in a hole?”

“Get away you ******.”

“I can’t stand you.”

“You're not my kid, I don’t love you.”

“You will always be like her.”

“Why can’t you do anything right?”

I have to deal with this every day of my life. I can’t do anything about it, if I say anything. She yells if my face. But now that’s normal.

When I go to school things are actually better. Sometimes we get together well, we laugh. Then there are times when all she does is glare at me, call me names and yell. I don’t understand.

Then there is her “real” daughter. Since I’m not her “real” daughter I don’t get treated the

same way ever.  I have to do hard chores and she does not. I say anything and I get yelled at called names and punished. She screams at her and nothing happens. Sure she gets yelled at but that’s it.

The scary thing is, I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get older. Right now I’m 14. Soon I can get my license. Then a car.

I have no idea how I’m going to do that though. I don’t have any money, i mean none. The last time I looked I had $50. I can’t get a job, I have to stay home and do chores. I can’t do anything. And I’m not even sure she cares. I told her about it and she said it was my problem.  But no, it’s not only mine. It’s her’s for not letting me get a job.

Sometimes I go to sleep, hearing the yelling of my parents. Right now they are going through a rough spot. And she blames it all on me.

“We were fine before you came.”

“You should have never came here.”

Harsh? Yeah. She’s really good at blaming other people. For everything. Even if she did it there will be someone to blame.

Well everyone, except herself.

Sometimes I stay up late doing dishes. And when I’m out doing chores, my step sister will be on her tablet. Of course, that’s normal.

You know death is a serious thing. And yet I can sometimes say i would be okay if I died. Nobody would care. She would think that it’s the best thing in the world. More than once she’s said she doesn’t want me. The only reason that I live with them is because I don’t have anywhere else to go.

I think that my friends would be the only ones that cared. And only some of them at that. But as soon as that person is no longer breathing? They were the best people in the world, and everything will be different without them. Bla, bla bla. They can just shove it up there *** for all I care.

Maybe they will notice me if I’m gone.

Okay, they kind of notice me. By they, I mean all the popular kids and stuff. Like I was saying, they only notice me when I’m in there group for work, or I have to present to the class.

When we first started school, some of them actually watched me. And she still does.

It’s not like I’m popular or pretty. So, I don't know what it is.

I have blond hair that goes past my shoulder. Probably by 5 or 6 inches. I have bright blue eyes, at least that’s what I’ve been told. I have a lot of freckles, normal skin. And glasses.

So yes, I’m a loser. And not attractive in anyway.

Sometimes I really hate life, I really do.

It’s that point when I’m tired and then something happens and then something else happens. And then I’m still at the bottom.

Okay, to get this strait. I am grateful for everything that she does. I’m not saying that I don’t care that she does stuff for me. It’s how she treats me.

I can't tell you how that all ended, not yet. 

 

I can’t take it anymore.

I can’t just go to school and pretend like nothing happened. Like everything is fine, even though it’s not.

I can’t go home and accept it.

Do you ever feel it was okay to die?

That ‘s how I feel. If I died right now, I would be okay. And I think that everyone else will to.

Like today, I went home and filled the dryer with clothes. But of course she said that I took too long. When my step sister was sitting on her bed.

I went to put my boots and got lost staring into space. I rolled my eyes and she yelled at me. Saying that I was worthless.

I hate it. I walk off to take a breath. I did not want to blow up on her. That would be really bad.

Again I got yelled at. She said that I was a worthless*****.

I cried, of course I did. She said that I was worthless. Then she yelled at me again. All I wanted was attention. That’s what she said. I was crying for attention.

And if I told my dad, she would make my life a living hell. But she does that everyday. Every time she says that I’m ugly. Every time that I have to wake up knowing that I will never be enough.

When everytime you look in the mirror, you wish who you saw wasn’t you. And every time knowing that you should be different.

No matter what she has said, I still liked her.

Even though I know that she doesn't feel the same.

I’m sick of life. Knowing I will never be good enough.

Shamed School

Shame. It’s the feeling when you know you did something wrong. When you know you have to change it, but can’t. Sometimes you know how to help and figure it out. But most of the time that’s not how it is. You lay in bed, stare at the wall and think about what is done. Then there are those that make a joke about it. They laugh and think it’s funny. This happened just today. We found out that a is “not well” and automatically jumped to the conclusion that he quit.

Why is that? Is it because last year our grade made a teacher quit? Or is it because we want him to quit. But what if something was really wrong. Maybe he’s in the hospital and where her laughing at him. Saying all these things that he did. Why would you be proud that you scared a teacher away? Is it your goal for them to not like shell lake because of you and what you do? You can’t be thankful that you can learn. There are many places around that world that don’t have the right to go to school. They can’t have teachers to scare away and be rude to. You shame this school every time you are sent to the office for something you did. Every Time you cheer when a teacher leaves. Every Time you can’t realize that you have the right to go to school. I’m not saying that I like school, because I would be lying. I’m just saying that everything that we do has a result, weather it’s go or not, it’s still there. Shaming us to tell the truth. To do something right. And sometimes you need shame to tell you what you're doing wrong.

This is true, all of it. And I really hated the school that I went to. I liked the teachers and some of the kids, but the school it self was stupid. I'm glad I got out of there 

Sorrow

The Same 

 

 Do what you want to do

Be what you want to be

See what you want to see

But then you look at me

 

I don’t know what I feel

You know how to peel all the layers away

You know how to steal my heart

You just know how to make the deal

 

Why when I look to the sky I see your eyes

How is it that I never want to say bye

When all I can do is think of you when lying in bed

 

I care to share

That we would make a great pair

If you want to go there

Don’t be afraid to share

 

Do you feel that same

Or do you feel shame

Am i the one to blame

With all of my shame

Did you ever feel the same

I had a crush, of course. I really liked him He was there for the four years of high school and.......

I'll tell you later, that's a story for another time. I might even let you know what happened and how it ends. 

But I could go on and on. For the reasons that I like him. But it was the way he made me feel. Like there were butterflies in my belly. How I would think about him all the time. And the whole time, I didn't know how he felt. All my friends thought it was so cute. But like I said, I'm ugly, even my step mom thinks so

 

 

 

Life and Death 

 

Death is life

We live to die

And we die to live

We live to give life

Only to receive death

We die so more can live

It all starts with life

 

Depression and darkness

Happiness and light

Bright and Bold

Stale and cold

All there to be told

You have a soul

Even if it is like coal

Or if it is bold and not cold

Life is

Gloomy and Golden

Grand and Gray

Ghostly and Gutting

It is Great

 

Death is

Sour and sweet

Sorrow and smiley

Sucky and Saving

It is Sad

We have to learn it’s not all that bad

    
There are so many stories of death. Thats all you ever hear about. What about the life? That you were made to die for more people. We are all heroes. Not just the people that fought in the line of duty. No disrespect, my grandparents fought in that and it forever changer there lives. 

 

 

 

Sad 

 

Past is the past

Like putting on a cast

You can’t see what’s past the cast

When you look into the past

 

It’s a mess

Not like a game of chess

You have to stay on the base

Of sanity

 

I hate me

I don’t like what I see

I don’t know where to be

Maybe I can go die in the sea

That’s a good place to be

 

Hope is not the way to cope

Let it out not let it soak

Sorry to poke

But you look like you’ve lost hope

 

Me being sad really seems to make her mad

Not because she cares but it will make her look bad

Why can’t I be a little sad

That usually makes her glad

 

I can't take all of her glares and hidden glances. She hids them from my dad. And she is the onr thing that can bring me down, and keep me there. There are somethings that people can never overcome. 

 

Bye to the Sky 

 

I wish I could float to the sky

I don’t need to say bye

I just need to lie

And say that I’m fine

 

Put on the fake face

Keep a steady pace

So they don’t see the trace

So they don’t make a case

 

I’m worthless

I’m ugly and useless

I’m a waste of space

And all over the place

 

Could cry in the sky

Tears hitting the kite

Counting the clouds

Radiating to cries

 

Gone in the sky

Lost in the pines

Prepared for the bye

As I float to the sky

 

Life would be so much better if I lived in the sky. I wouldn't have to deal with anything else. No body else. 

 

 

 

Small Things

 

I had a crush. Every time I thought of him, I smiled. If I was in a bad mode. I would think of all the things that he can say to make me feel better. Of all the ways that he helped. I’m sure he didn’t know it.

And I really didn’t know if he liked me. And I’m sure you’ve heard this before. And all that. But this is me and I have to tell you. Okay, so in school I would only have two classes with him. And in one of them, he sat next to me for a while. And guess what?

We talked. And I really liked to talk to him. Then he would look me in the eye.

But, i looked away. WHAT?!?! WHY?!?!
Yeah, it’s stupid, but I was scared that I would give to much away and he would stop

talking to me. It helps that we have lockers next to each other. So I can talk to him a lot.  

We would do this thing. We would pat each other on the head. No we're not dogs or anything. And I’m not sure how it started. And that brings me to one of my favorite quotes.

I look back every day and see the small things that matter. That joined laugh. That small smile. It’s all the things that he probly doesn’t think about. All the things that matter. To tell you the truth. I sound like an old lady. I really do. Oh, make sur you live by the golden rule! Maybe your heart will be golden to.

Yeah, you liked the guy. Move on, so what. How does it end?

That is still for later.

Oh, some on!

You know, never mind, you were most likely getting bored anyway.

My Life of Quotes

 I want you to know something.

I LOVE QUOTES!!!

They are the best. And I understand them, most of the time. So this is a great opportunity to share with you my favorite quotes and what they mean to me.

And some of them are stupid friend and teen quotes. But that's what I grew up with. 

 

 

I held myself back for so many years. Just because I had stupid questions in my head for the longest time.

Why am I me?

What if I mess up?

Will anyone see?

What will they think?
I hit home on every one. They all applied to me. I was so scared of what other people would say or think, I would be stuck in thought. There were many people that were there to show me not to hold everything inside.

But that’s all we ever do, isn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

This makes me think of science. Weird, all the way. 

 

 

I actually had a shirt for that.

Pathetic? Yup, all the way. But that was when I was going through a tough time, and my step mom got it.

I stopped wearing it the day I saw an old woman wearing the same thing. Funny thing is, she noticed to. I ran away before she could saw anything. The thing might as well be dead. Oh! Bad thing to say since that old woman could be to. But that was awhile ago. But it’s still dead to me.

 

 

 

Cheesy as a quesadilla? Yeah, I thought so to. 

But one of my teaches had this quote hanging on her wall. She was the guidance teacher. When ever someone had to go there for some reason, she would always refer to that quote.

Saying:

“You are special for who you are. Many people can take anything they want. They can rip out your heart. They can take way you sight. But they will never take your soul. That is you. It is how you think, how you feel, who you are. Now it’s about time to realize it.”

That was a weird quote at first. It only passed my mind as she passed. She had cancer. It made sense. It made me see the way that she did, and I accepted it all the way. Because she accepted everyone.

 

Plain Spaghetti

 Sorry to tell you this, but I have a very boring life.

If you haven't been able to tell. Well, now I do. I used to think that I had a interestingly weird past.

But right now reminds me of plain spaghetti. Not doing much and yet knowing that I could do better. And it’s gross. I’m not talking about the butter noodles, but plain all by itself. I can’t stand the stuff.

Okay, so like I was saying, I’m spaghetti. When I was younger, I still had my sause. My pizzas, at least that’s what I thought. Okay, so how about you tell me what you think. Okay, I’m going to read your mind right now.

Did you feel that weird tingling? I did, it’s called your imagination. 

Blam, my mind in your head!

Just kidding, I'm not crazy,yet. 

 

 

To start it out, I have to say something about my friends. I have know them for a long time now. Ever since 6th grade. But there was one that I knew a month or so before that. Her name is……

Uhh, let’s go with sky, because her eyes are amazingly blue.

So every summer there is the Vacation Bible School, VBS. And that was the first time I saw her. It was before school even started. And I was like an alien. She had the longest hair I have ever seen. It was blond, of course.

Anyway, we were in the bible study and her sister said that she was the oldest in the class.

You know, when I put it that way, is sounds stupid.

So thinking that she might be older, I hated her. I didn't even know what her name was. All I knew was that she might be older.

So on the last day of VBS, I talked to her. But I just wanted to know her name. And that’s what I asked her

And you know what I found out?

I was older, by two days!

That made my day, and the rest of the summer. But it was a surprise to see that she was in the same grade. Since we were both in 6th grade, we made it fun.

I still tease her about me being 2 days older. She denies that it even counts.

 

 

So like I said, I moved to the school in 6th grade. And on that first day of school, I was alone and a total loser. Not like that changed much.

Then came resses. As I looked out at all the kids that are hugging and catching up on all the odds and ends of the summer. It was bad. I just stood there hoping that nobody would notice me. It did not work, as soon as I started to walk across those stupid rocks to the playground. This girl came up to me.

She was insane. She jumped around me and then drug me to the rest of the group that had been sitting over there. She introduced herself as……….

Oh, yeah with the name, Bert is her nickname. Don’t even ask why, I have no clue.  So then this crazy girl with brown curly hair, also known as Bert, started to talk to me and it was actually cool. I made friends and I didn't have to sit alone and the lunch table.

I’m still her friend and she made school fun for me to. She is the best. She could have been popular if she wanted to be, she’s pretty, talented and all that. But she stuck with us. I still think that she’s bonkers, but I’ve came to realize, that’s just how she is.

 

So my friends are pretty cool. One of them went to the Wisconsin state cross country run and she got……

I’ll tell you later.

But a lot of people have cool friends whether they know it or not.

And I’m sure I’m one of the most boring people around. That same year when my school's volleyball team went to sectionals, I couldn’t go, I had to stay home. A lot of times I had to. I lived under a rock for a lot of my life and now I really regret a lot of things.

Like maybe, not going to a dance or a game.

We had Middle school dances. There were a lot of people that went with their girlfriend or boyfriend and I was alone. Well me and Sky. Up until she found a boyfriend to.  Even though he was really short he really liked her. And that was a little weird, because I was friends with him. Then he moved to canada and neither of us ever saw him again. Good thing to, he was like a rampaging chipmunk when he got mad.

Yup, I was the loner of the grade. Single pringle for life.

Then I got into high school. I started to really like a guy and then everything changed. I really liked him.

 

This and That

 

Animals. What are they to you? Something that you munch on? Or pets?

To me they are both.

Ewwwww. You eat you dog?

No, the pets that I have are not the same. They are what you would call live stock.

You know, pigs, calves, goats and stuff like that. We don’t really eat the ones that we really like.

But they are so fun to watch. The goats especially. If you have ever had goats you would agree with me when I say that there fun.

They hop and play. They are the best.

But there not the only ones. The pigs are loads of fun to. I’m not talking about the ones that are locked in a pen with forty other ones. I’m talking about the little piglets that run across that yard.
Wait, they do that?

Yeah, like any other baby, they need to play. So they run and hop around the yard, all is good then they spot the cat food. They love it. It is so much fun to watch piglets and cats share the food dish. When I was younger I would show the animals we have at the fair.

Well mostly the pigs and goats. The pigs were harder to control. You have to use a cane to train them and if you don’t……….then good luck to you.

 

Bang, bang. We were all startled at 4 in the morning by someone at the door. My mom bursts into the room and tell me that the barn is on fire. My first thought is the baby goats that live in the barn. I jump up and look out the window. The barn is ablaze, there is fire coming out the window. The realization hits me. The room that the babies are in is on fire. We all run outside as my mom called the fire department. My dad was the first one out and is moving the car out of the way. As we watch, the roof comes down and the building collapses.

My dad rushes to the pig pen to make sure they are out of the way. Bang! Something explodes from the flames. Later we find out it was a paint can. To my relief the pigs are ok. In the distance I hear the sound of sirens. The fire department is almost here. One after another the fire trucks come. The fire department try to use the huge water hose on top, but the water evaporates into thin air.  Soon I see them get another hose from the fire truck and approach the fire. They soon get the fire cool enough to use the big hose.

Within the hour they have the fire put out. They said that we were lucky that the man came and told us or our lives could have been taken. In the end we lost 20 goats, tools, hay, straw and a shelter for the animals we have. We have also lost something that we have worked so hard to get.       

 

Yeah that was a really bad time for everyone. I'm glad that we made it out. And we worked for a long time to get everything going after that. At first we didn't know what to do. Then we started to get more goats. Then everything was okay again, or at least as good as it was going to get. And know we will always remember the goats taht never made it out. 

 

Do you know when I was a kid?

Showed in the fair.

It was so much fun.

We had to bedding the barn before and when we brought the animals in we had to keep them clean. With the pigs we cleaned them at home and then took them to the fair. Once at the fair, we washed them again showing them.

It was the accomplishment that I felt every time that I walked in that ring. Even though I was nerves I still had fun.

I’ve showed pigs more than goats, but somehow did better showing the goats. My little brother was the best at pig’s.

I always had so much fun. One year we stayed in the tent every night.

Never, will i do that again. Ever.

But other then that It is fun.

Staying up late talking about people.

Judging the competition.

All that stuff.

But no matter what, it will always be about the animals. That’s why they have the fair isn't it? So that kids and families can show off their animals. No matter what, that will not change. It can’t really be a fair without animals. There are festivals and stuff like that, but is not truly a fair.

Well, okay that was a little intense and stuff. Sorry.

Anyway animals are the best. But they are also more than food, they have personalities. How would you like it if you were held in a cage to be eaten? Never mind that happens. Oh, and that’s hitler all over again. Never mind, but if it was the other way around and we were the prey, how would you feel. Well, there are some animals that look to us as food.

Nevermind, I’m trying to make a point and I’m arguing to myself. And I officially lost it.

Call the mental people, insane person on the loose.

Okay, enough of that.

Uh, where was I?

Oh yeah animals are the best.

You know sometimes I think that Bert is a gorilla. To tell you the truth, she is. She is wild, weird and has brown hair.

And to tell you the truth she can be a little creepy. Oh,no.

I did it again. I always think that everyone is creepy.

I had this food teacher. At lunch she is one of the supervisors and so she walks around when we eat lunch. And so I told her that I think that she’s a little creepy. I mean, she looks at you eat a bunch of crappy fatty food. And then in class she tells you that you need to eat this and that to be healthy. I just feel like she’s judging me. Then everytime she walks by me she actually puts on a creepy face. Wow, way to make it worse.

But she was a long term sub for a teacher that had cancer. She came back and the sub no longer had to teach that class. It was a bummer. The sub was nicer than the actual teacher.

Okay, I was talking about animals and then I got into talking about the teacher and the sub?

I tend to go off topic, clearly. Sorry.

So yeah, Bert is a creepy gorilla. Oh and she was one away from being in state to. That girl I was talking about earlier? Yeah she took ----- at state out of 180 people. On top of that, she was a freshman. After that she still had her whole lifetime to go. She was bang good, not like the rest of the team wasn’t. The weird thing is, she is tiny. Although she has really long legs, I think that she was actually under weight.

Our school hadn’t had a kid go to state in 6 years. It was a senior. She had just quit volleyball and took a shot at cross country. Never been to cross country and she went to state. So she’s at state and she’s in 14 place, she passes out. She ended in 94th place. Just because she passed out 8 times.

Now? Now she’s a marathon runner. In college she found out that she had an iron deficiency. She could have gotten in the top 10 if she wouldn’t have kept passing out. If she would have gotten more iron.

Sorry, side tracked, again.

*Breath*

Okay...I’ll stop now, maybe.

Sorry for the lost of thought, but I have a lot going on at the………

Wait! Where not there yet, you have to know my story so I can end it.  Okay, I take that back. It won’t be the end of the story because the story will never end. That’s what I don’t get about endings.

I am so sorry, but your parent’s lives have ended.

They can’t say that. It’s not true. If there not in heaven then they turn into someone else. No, I’m not going to preach to you and tell you to change your lives, yada, yada. I’m just saying that you will never have an ending.

Really, where else do all the people in the world come from?

Oh, yes. There is a colony of babies in the sky that come when it’s time. They just poof into the belly of people.

Anyway, you know what, I'll just talk from the heart and we'll see where this goes. Okay, lets see. I should talk about one of the unsolved questions of the universe.

What is the purpose of life?

That’s an easy answer.

Life.

That’s the purpose of life, to live  

And to die.

If that makes any sense

Okay…...wait give me a minute something just happened down the road.

 

There were two fire trucks and ambulance and two police people. I don’t know what, but something crashed down the road. I’m not kidding, this was not going to be in the book.

All I can see is the two red lights of the firetrucks looking back at me.

What is that? And here comes the helicopter. This is bad, really bad. I would have to be if they brought in the helicopter. It circles around and lands in a field.

Please everyone be okay.

There is nobody there know they have all left. It’s only been a couple hours. I still have no clue what happened or what is going on, but I hope that everyone is okay.

I don’t really feel like saying anything else right now, so much for just talking about the past.

Breath.

In, out.

Okay, I think I’m better. A little nerve racking something like that happening less than half a mile down the road.

I forgot to say that the first snow was yesterday and that might have something to do with it.

 

This is not the first accident that happened near us. A couple years ago, my teacher got into a crash.

Breaking her femur and other parts in her leg. She was riding a forwealee when a deer jumped in front of her. It flipped and trapped her underneath. She was lifted to the nearest hospital.

She lived less than three  miles away. Wow, really bad things happen around us and to us.

I still don’t know what happened.

I’m really sorry that I even put this in here. But this is a book about me and this happened when I was writing this, so I put it in.

Will try to find out tomorrow.

 

So I found out that a woman drove into the ditch and hit a tree. I talked to the person that found her and she said that the horn was blaring. They called the ambulance and then she got air lifted to the nearest hospital.

Sometimes really bad things happen and all you can do is pray.

So, I really like food.

It’s my love.

Me and food have a deep understanding. To the point that I can munch whenever. But it is the reason that I’m fat. Not like I’ve seen a doctor about it, but because I know.

Anyway, do you like food too?

Of course you do. After all, your people.

It may come to a shock to you but, I’m weird. A total nut.

Okay, now you know my deep dark secret.

Oh no! Whatever shall I do.

Ending Hurt

Ways of Hate

 

The waves of hate

Smashing and crashing

Into the mash of my heart

Peeling and prying

Crying as the pain seeps in

 

You are nothing

You are worthless

You are nobody

 

The words slice into my soul

Cutting deep to my core

Jabbing at my eyes to overflow

To show so that he will know

I’m in pieces and it’s not from the snow

 

Let it go

Let it show

Let them know

What you really want to show

What they really need to know

 

Darkness is always death

When you take your last breath

You let them know that you have to take that breath

And It won’t be from meth

It will be from harmful words slicing through

 

It's true when words hurt more then actions. Because the words will stay in your heart when the cuts and scraps heal. 

 

The end 

 

The end is near

the End is here 

Sorry to say 

I am in the clear 

 

It's not over 

like a clover

it's not done 

and that's no fun 

 

Sorry to say 

that's all there is 

By the way 

I hope I made your day 

 

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 29.10.2017

Alle Rechte vorbehalten

Widmung:
To all the tings in my life and people that encouraged me to keep going. Many things have happened in my life and most of them are in this book. They are all in my heart.