Rix Minup

 

Dear everyone that helped,

 

Thanks for showing me the way. I would have never made this decision without you. To all of the ones that shared good names and jokes, you always made my day. To all the ones that could remind me that I could never hide from myself, how you let the real me show through. To Mika for being there for me. I like to think of you as a sister. Always there, talking and helping. You got the backstabbing part down. To bad you didn’t show me that I should have done this sooner. I wouldn’t have wasted you precious time.

Enjoy,

The haters will hate.

Rix Minup

 

The last Night

I look at the bottle before me. It’s so easy and yet so hard.

I hate you……

Her words rush to my head. Telling me what I must do, what I have to do.

But I don’t want to.

You are nothing……..

That should be enough to push me over the edge. To tell me to do it.

But why?

I love life and everything that it has to offer. Why should I dare change that?

Because of the people in my life. All the things that they do.

I was proud of who I was. What I do and did. It was amazing. Some people showed me the light and path. But people had to come and take it away. The one thing that had me earth bound.

Her.

She was the one that could take all the pain away and give the light back. She was the one that was always there, no matter what. No matter when, she was there.

Until he came…

I shut my eyes and let the tears fall, hitting the ground, like the memory of what I had. Of what I still want. But can never have.

Life.

I take the bottle with shaky hands and pop the top.

I stop and write why.

I cry and cry.

Why? This is what I need, this is what I truly want.

I shut my eyes and shove all the pills in my mouth. Take a drink and lay on the bed.

All I can do is think of all the good times.

Me and her at the swings and on the phone. The laughs and smiles that we had.

You are nothing…..

Her words cut through, cutting slicing.

Why? Why did she have to say that? I’ve already accepted it, but from her?

I feel a weird numbing sensation go through my body, gripping and pulling.

My head starts to feel weird and foggy.

You are nothing but a memory…..

This is it

 

I never saw her again and I cried my eyes out. This is my fault. I should have been better. I should have been there. I should have let her know that I was there and always would be.

But that one night.

I let everything slip and fall. Everything came loose. I told her that I hated her. But I didn’t. This is all my fault. Why did I do that? How could I? I think of the way that she looked when I told her. When I shut her down.

I thought that she would have been fine she would have laughed. But she didn’t.

She..

She..

I can’t even say it. There is so much other that is stopping me. So much that I didn;t say. Did I want to? Yes, I loved her and never wanted to let her go, ever.But if you love something, don’t you set it free? No, you don’t. I look in the mirror at the pale and depressed me.

I run to the bathroom and through up everything. Why?

I look in the cabinet at the pills that were there.

I should join her. That’s the best  I could do for her. The only thing that I can. This is MY fault and It should be me there with her to.

I take out the pills and I know that they would do the trick. But wouldn’t I de giving up to? Giving in to the same thing that she did?

No, because I am the thing that stopped her life, the thing that got in the way.

She loved to live and m of all people should know that. Because I’m the one the told her to live a good and happy life. But then I had to come and take even that away.

How long had she been thinking about that? Why didn’t she tell me? I could have been there to help and show her the way that she needed to go. But why? So that I could feel better? Because I wouldn’t have been the one on the letter? Or was it because I loved her? She was like a sister to me and I would do anything for her.

Would?

I’m already talking past tense. 24 hours ago, she would still be here.

I could have helped. I wanted to.

But then, why was I so mean to her. Why did I say all the things that I did? I have been mean to her often. I just wanted to give her space.

No, I was mean.

Why?      

Bu she was also so bullied and I didn’t do anything to help. I should have. It way my boy friend.

Was.

I broke up with him after she left.

He had been what we were talking about. The reason that we yelled and fought.

I chose him over her.

I look at the pills in my hand and think of all the reasons that things would be a good idea.

I hate myself the way that I said I hated her. The way hta I made her feel. The way that I made myself feel. What I made her do.

I take out five pills and put them in my mouth. I need this .

This is what she would have wanted.

I swallow.

 

I wake up to a bright light. What is going on?

I look around and see nurses.

No?!??!

I didn;t work. I Try to get up and realize that I’m chained to the bed.

Wait what. I pull at the handcuff .

“Nope, we've got to make sure that you don’t go to where your friend did.”

I whip my head up and see the face of a police officer.

“Let me go.” I scream, My voice sounding weird and numb. Along with my thought.

“We are going to keep you safe. We're lucky you only took 5 and we got there in time,” He shakes his head in misery,. “We should have been there for your friend to.”

“Shut up and let me go! I don’t need to be chained to no goddamn bed.”

He walks away.

 

My parents do some paperwork and I’m out of there.

Why did I do that?

Oh yeah, I didn’t want to be ere anymore. It’s all my fault.

I need to be there with her.

That's the only way that I can say sorry.

 

After a month or so the police stop coming. But the worry will never stop.

I’ not going to go back to school.

She was there to much. I can’t stand the idea of never being able to see her. Not unless I join her.

The plans go through my mind. They have removed all the pills from the house. They don’t think that I would try anything else. They just think that I was in shock and It passed. What A good little girl I've been’

But they still look at me like I’m going to grow another head and they chop them both off. They are still worried. My mom found me passed out on the floor and she said that she will never forget it. She saw all the pills around me and called 9-1-1.

I barely lived and they think that it's a good thing that I lived. It’s not.

Not al all. Every day now I know that I’m a killer and will never change. I should have been there with her now.

 

That night when I was doing dishes I grabbed a knife and slipped it into my nightgown.

They left me no other choice. It’s what I have to do.

I walk up to bead and feel the meddle up against my leg.

“Honey?” I hear my mom call. I turn.

“Yes.” MY heart picks up speed and I almost start to cry and tell her that i’m sorry.

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I’m sorry for everything”

I nod a.

“i love you to.” I walk into my room and one I hear her steps retreating I lock the door.

I slid down the door and look at my am exposing the small blue veins that lie beneath.

I need to do this.

There is no other choice.

I place the blade about four inches from my wrist. I grit my teeth and slice down. I feel the pain as it goes down. I pull it up and watch as a couple drops fall.

Not fast enough.

I realize I most likely didn’t hit anything.

I put the knife right over the vein and watch the blood ozz. I d it again and grit my teeth.

I need to do things.

The three bleeding marks on my arms show that I need this. The pain is over taking and I put my head against the doow. I put the blade breaks down and slice without looking. I let out a scream Is I realize the I did it wrong.

I did it along my rm an not across.

The blood gushes out more and more.

I hear a knock on the door.

“Let me in.” I hear my dad yell.

No! Just a little longer. I feel my mind start to fade and the pain start to numb. I shut my eyes and let go of everything that holds me to the ground.

I need to see her again.

 

I’m dead. I know I am. I can see the light. It;s so close and I’m so warm.

Ther I reach out. Something stops me and cuts my wrist. I look down and am cuffed to the bed.

Bed?

No!

It all comes to me. The nurses. MY parents , the police.

I lived and I’m not going to be let off the look this time.

They all look at me and I let out a breath.

Shutting my eyes I listen to them say that I will get through this and they will help.

 

Two months later and I’m getting better. Not perfect, but better. Not to the point that I forgave myself. I hang on and got through it, something that she couldn’t do because of me.

I love life, but I would have liked it more if she was still here.

Still breathing and loving life the way that she never had the chance to. I will see her, I know I will, just not now. It’s not my time and I know that. Over time I have made some really good friends that showed me there is a way and there is a path still out there for me.

I still get a chance to live and forgive. I will always remember her.

Because she decided her breath.

 

 

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 05.11.2017

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Widmung:
to all the people I can fall on. I would also like to think Jocelyn, she helped me a couple days ago. Even though I had no idea who she was, she was still there.