Conspiracy is the work of coincidence.

Part I: The Beginning

It was a beautiful, hot and Utopian summer day. Her car stood in front of Club Sky, an airplane built into a commercial building. The place closed down when communism ended, due to shortage of money, the presence of a major highway and the loss of tourists. The four blue propellers, rusty and old, stand naked against the limitless firmament. The Girl was in the car, waited for him. He was already ten minutes late. She didn’t know what to expect. She sat idly and nervously, not ready yet for the ride.
She never rode or drove a jeep before. She hasn’t been on agricultural roads either. The radio was on, trying to soothe her nerves. By now, he was fifteen minutes late and the thought of leaving was more enticing than staying. She didn’t like to wait, especially for guys, even though she only wanted to ride his car.
The upcoming song was reverberating, and she sang along to it. She did not notice him coming, only when he pulled the jeep beside her.
Through the rolled-down window the Man calls to her; he’s charming. “Come on, get in!”
“Should I just leave the car here?” asked the Girl.
“Why not?”
“Should I remove the CD player’s cover?”
“This place has cameras. It will be fine.” He gives a surprised look when she sits beside him. “How come you are wearing long jeans?”
She looks back at him in awe, “You told me we are going to ride your jeep.”
“Yes,” he is a bit agitated, “that is what we are going to do, but I thought we were going to ride to the lake and swim a bit. After all, the weather is ravishing.”
“I guess we aren’t going to swim, at least not me.” She smiles as she looks at his corpse-white hairy legs. “However, you’re ready to take on such a challenge! You can go ahead!”
“I won’t swim without you.” He’s barely looking up from the record he is filling out. A faint smile crosses his face.
“What are you filling out?”
“I need to register where, when and how long I’m taking the jeep for.”
The Girl is a bit perplexed, she nods. “All right.” She watches the recordings. She tries to keep her attention to everything, even the smallest details.
He puts down the record on the backseat and turns to her, “Shall we go then?”
“Sure.”
“So how do you feel?” He takes a left turn toward the rampart.
“I’m vegetating.”
He grins. “Come on! What happened?”
The Girl shrugs. “I don’t know. Too much is going on, I believe. I’m tired as hell. I didn’t recover my strength after the exams, and now I’m at work.”
“Your eyes tell me that you are sad.”
“It could be. There isn’t much that could make me feel good.” My sisters are having fun with their boyfriends, I’m looking at other guys, and I’ve got no one to talk to are the thoughts running through her head. “And today, after my sandwich evaporated, I got pissed.”
“Why didn’t you look for me? I could have bought you something.”
She pauses and thinks about the question for a second. “It didn’t even occur to me.”
“Next time don’t hesitate. You know where to find me.”

* * *

The human masterpiece of lying and manipulation is the single characteristic distinguishing humans from other primates. It can single-handedly sweep away the ground structure of reasoning, whereby leaving one stupefied on nearby rumbles.
Through the shatters, she looked up. She lost everything. Her credibility, consciousness, the ability to help those she used to assist.
She was left dumb and speechless. She never wanted this to happen. She was blind to see the truth and she let the moment take her to her deepest, scariest, and darkest desire. But along this came the change in personality, which others didn’t know what to do with.
They haven’t seen her like this before. She was in frenzy. All fired up, open to any kind of craziness to energize the batteries.
She felt revived, even though everything around her was falling apart, which she allowed to fall apart. She lived for the moment or for those moments that could turn on the adrenalin in her body.
This summer everything started to fragment. However, she wished for it. She believed in the strength of wishes one makes.
After the long, tiresome and stubborn exam period she hankered after happiness. She yearned for something that would take her back to her old self, where studying would be barred out, the boyfriend would be banned and where she would find meaning.
It just happened. She wasn’t prepared. She thought she was. It all started with a missing lunch at work.
The excel files were huge. Data had to be moved from one folder to another designated one, renamed, certain information filled in, while others changed or deleted. It was boring. But they paid for it and none the least it was an easy job to do.
As the weeks rolled down, she got accustomed to the work, but her eyes were tired and her heart frustrated. She started to push away people she knew, from responsibilities she needed to carry out. She lived on a day-by-day basis. She didn’t contact her friends from the university, spoke less to her boyfriend. It was more like giving up or and not caring anymore.
She was a sponge, soaked and leaked, but could never be dried. Most of the time, she only brought one sandwich with her, and she would drink coffee from the machine. She didn’t have much of an appetite, besides she had to keep her figure.
Lunches were always at noon at the cafeteria or outside the cubicle, which was damn hot in lack of an air conditioning system. Unfortunately, the engineering department wasn’t equipped with it. It couldn’t be. It was in the middle of the working area, enveloped by huge machines and circulating traffic of forklifts.
She didn’t each much for breakfast and she became hungry very early. At eleven, she wanted to partake of the sandwich, however the Big boss – the boss from Belgium – came down to the office and she had to push the instinct away. That hour passed slowly. There was aching for the ham, cheese and pepper sandwich. She imagined it in front of her eyes and the big bite she’d take.
Her mouth watered at the thought. Noon came and the Big boss, along with all the engineers, left the office to eat their hot meal at the cafeteria.
Her pupils dilated and she rushed to the fridge, which was only one and a half meters away from her “station.” She opened it, and fought against the screams welling up in her throat.
There was no sandwich. She remembered the exact place she put it in the morning. It was on the second shelf, behind a plastic bag full of food, which belonged to one of the junior engineers. With the door wide open, the coolness eased out of the machine, but the shelf was empty. It wasn’t on any of the shelves, not even in the freezer. She closed the door fast with a loud bang. She quickly backed up couple of steps to open the drawer where her belongings laid indolently. She quickly went over the contents of her bag: an mp3 player, keys, official documentations, wallet and a pen drive. They were the sole and permanent residents there.
The air got hotter. It was over thirty degree Celsius outside and inside, due to the hot weather and the heat the machines omitted. But without the sandwich, her pulse and fury rose, escalating her body temperature. Her cheeks and temple sizzled, sweat trickled down. Why would anyone take a lonesome sandwich? It was malicious.
It was meaner than stealing an expensive tool or an axle or a transmission from the plant. Those did not belong to her and the factory could swallow its loss.
Assessments ran through her mind. What happened? Who was responsible? One time that day she accompanied one of her colleagues for a smoke, as a second smoker, and the door to the engineering department was open for anyone to peak in. Why steal one sandwich? Why not a tool that could be sold for a drink? People rather drink alcohol than steal food, don’t they?
She sat there, in front of her monitor, stared into nothingness. She was angry. Her father was working for the same company as well, but he usually packed only as much as he needed. He was working on the line. He had to stand while he worked and she didn’t want his food.
She didn’t want any food. She wanted to be pissed and punch the face of the person who was accountable for her misery. She was childish. She knew. She was dying for employing law and order. She didn’t crave for calming down either. She craved for rebelliousness and furiousness, like back in the old times, when the fascination of driving like a maniac was the only fixation that took her mind off the subject. It was adrenalin satisfying her wrecked-soul.
The ex production manager, who worked as an engineer was the first to be back from lunch. He is a bit perplexed and his raises his eyebrows. “Have you finished with lunch already?”
The Girl is pitiful, shameful. “I cannot find my lunch!” With downcast eyes, she is choking on words. “I looked into the fridge and in my purse, in case I left it in there, but I didn’t.”
“Are you serious?” He questions her in a deep masculine voice, but tender, fatherly, hinted with aggression, not toward her, but about the facts. “So someone took you lunch. Did you ask the others?”
“No. But I will.”
“I definitely didn’t eat it.”
A faint smile crosses her face. “I know. You are a vegetarian.”
He went out of the office to fill his cup with water. She saw chocolates in front of her. The day before, she bought chocolates in case of emergency. However in the morning, she forgot them. They were on the table, packed on each other, now inaccessible.
The vending machine, full of sweets was at the entrance; however, she gave all her change to her little sister. She didn’t want to ask money from her father either. This day was doomed. It was one of those days, when one awakes and wishes she wouldn’t.
The engineers came back as soon as break was over. The vegetarian, thick black hair, now grey in places, showing the signs of losing his youth, stood beside her.
“Does anyone know anything about a missing lunch?” the ex production manager asked.
Paul, whose workstation is next to Girl's asks, “Why?”
With blood-thirsty protruding eyes the ex production manager blurts out, “She cannot find it anywhere!”
Paul rushes to his desk, lifts out a paper bag with a baked roll in it and hands it over to her. “You can eat this! I have salami in the fridge as well, if you wish to eat some.”
“Thanks a lot.” The Girl answers. “I'll take the rolls, but not the salami.” She smiles at him.
A flicker of grin was apparent on his face. He was delightful. She took his food. As soon as the Girl grabbed the bag, she sat down, in front of the computer, and tore a small chuck from the roll. She finished it in a little while, but before the last bite, Paul opened the fridge and took out couple of apples.
“There you go. Here's an apple.” Paul wants to throw an apple to her.
“It's all right.” The Girl replies shyly. “I feel much better already.”
Paul takes a firm, but placid stand. “No. I insist! I want you to eat it!”
She diligently took the apple, and ate it. Her anger vanished, her hunger disappeared, but at the back of her head, the day's events lurked and hummed their light and constant rhythm.
The rest of the working hours disappeared into thin air. She was in high spirits as soon as the buzzer went off, said good-bye to the guys and she flew to the car.
She usually got the car keys from her father - except when he forgot - because she would habitually finish earlier than he would. He had to change his clothes and take a shower – if he wished to – before he would come out to the car.
The air was humid. There were no clouds, no rain in sight. She walked to the car, turned the keys and the automatic lock complied. She opened the door slightly - letting the hot air out of the car - without damaging or scratching adjacent cars.
She walked to the passenger seat and swung the door open, waited a bit for the air in the car to be exchanged with the “outside fresh air,” then for her father to come.
As she looked around, letting the seconds pass by slowly and heavily, she glanced at the Man, who emerged from the gate and walked toward his car, parked nearly to theirs.
He was a bit taller than her, and after his motorcycle accident, he limped a little. She admired the adorable and sexy memento or disability life has given him. It distinguished him them from the rest.

* * *

More often than not, the Man didn’t smile. A neutral shadow sat on his face. Besides saying hello, she didn’t make contact with him. He was off-limit, and she didn’t feel the edge to get him.
She watched as he came closer, engulfing the air around her, grasping and holding onto her aura. He came. He didn’t walk past by her. He stood on the other side, leaned in, a smirk lurked on his face, putting those tiny, but affable muscle at work.
“Do you mind if I sit down?” asked the Man.
The Girl grins back at him. “I don’t.”
“I heard what happened. Why didn’t you seek me? I could have bought you chocolate or a drink. Whatever you wanted.”
She is a bit confused, and at loss for words. “It didn’t even occur to me.”
“Who do you think it was?”
The Girl is sad, puppy-eyed. “I am not sure. There was a time when no one was in the department, and I’m pretty sure the person took it then. But I’m not sure who.”
“Who do you think it could have been? Do you have a clue?”
“Ex-production manager is out of the picture. Paul was willing to give me his baked roll. I doubt it was him.”
“Johnny, the most intelligent engineer, no matter how hungry he is, he won’t take anyone else’s food.”
“I know. He is just not the type of guy who would eat anything he finds.” She tries to visualize Johnny, with his bottomless stomach and never-ending hunger as he takes a look at the sandwich, mouth agape. She knows this option is out of the question. “Definitely not him. I am not sure of the other two guys. But I doubt it was them.”
“Are you all right?”
“Yes. I am a bit tired though.”
The Man pauses for a second, as thinking the situation over. “What would you say if I asked you to come for a jeep ride with me?”
Confusion mixes with chilled terror inside her. “I’d love to come.” Her inner senses cry out. She is tired of work and feels the necessity of talking about her life and her problems.
A friendly simper sweeps across his face. “All right. What time would suit you?”
“I have to go home first, eat, then sometime afterwards.”
“How about six o’clock?”
“Six is fine. Where would we meet?”
“At the airplane.”
The airplane, Club Sky is on the outskirts of the city. It is a convenient place for them to meet; close to where he lives. “I’ll give you a call beforehand. I have to collate with my father first.”
The Man is in the middle of an approved nod when the Girl's father appears by the door. He turns to the father, “Hello. Your daughter will explain about her lunch today.”
Her father greets him, but he is a bit distrustful. The Man grinned at the Girl's father and within no time, he jumped out of the car, shook hands with him as a gesture of leaving and saying good-bye. When he veered round, he waved to the Girl, who waved back.
Her father started the car, put it in reverse and rolled out of the parking lot. He waved, said couple more good-byes to his coworkers, gave the Man head-way and drove home.
Suddenly, the Girl blurts out. “Someone stole my lunch today!”
Her father is wide-eyed, calm without worries. “Why didn't you say anything? I could have spared a sandwich for you.”
“I didn't want to eat yours. I know how much you needed it.”
“How come he was in the car?”
“We tried to figure out who took it.”
He focuses on the traffic and the streets, and talks to her daughter indifferently. “How was work?”
“As usual. Excel files, copying and pasting information.” She is uninterested in the question. “A bit boring.” Suddenly, as a lightning would strike, she becomes excited and her eyes twinkle. “Dad, are you going anywhere today? Do you need the car?”
“I wanted to visit grandma. I am expecting a phone call from the guy who is going to do some grinding work for me.”
Desperately, on the brinks of crying, “Are you sure you'll need the car?”
“No.” He eyes her. “I'll tell you later on.”
Beside frustration, which she temporarily put aside, she hoped the clock would move forward, for six o'clock to come. She wanted to be free from chores like washing dishes, making supper and dinner for the next day and cleaning; to be away from her sisters and their boyfriends.
The Girl hadn't been in touch with her boyfriend lately. He made the calls, sent text messages and emails to her. She simply replied. He rang her to let her know he was thinking about her. It left her cold.
She got icy and thought her heart could never warm up to him again. While they were together, she wished he’d call more often, fill up his phone more frequently. It didn't happen. His phone ran down on money within weeks and there were days he didn’t have the money for refilling.
Even though he lived five minutes from her dormitory, the fact he couldn't reach her, drove her mad. She thought of him being irresponsible, and childish. Why couldn't he get a job? Only for the summer? The answers were black-and-white. Besides studying and being with the Girl, he didn't have time to work during school, and he wanted to study in the summer break. Keeping in touch with friends and playing video games were in the picture as well. The former she could understand. But playing? She couldn't withstand it.
If his phone would be filled up an up-to-day basis, he would always be there. The sense of security would lurk in the shadows of the day. She didn’t ask for much. Perhaps a couple of minutes at night. It would have satisfied her. The thought would have calmed her. But she had to understand, he didn’t have the money for this sumptuousness.
Over time, she had it. When she began working with the engineers, she realized her current relationship wasn't going to go far. She didn't want to see him and ending it loitered in an apparent corner.
She was desirous of a friend. Someone to talk to freely and openly. She thought this friend could be the Man. She didn't know why and didn't try to find reason or logic behind it. He happened to come in the best of circumstances. Did he feel it? Did he know? Did he only want to please himself?
She needed an intellectualist in the skin of a realist. She wanted guidance in the form of moral lessons, help in search for a greater meaning and with whom she could share her ideas about the world.
She didn't know she'd find this character within him. She adjudged him as being too wild, who cared only about picking up girls, riding his jeep and motorcycles and working countless hours.
Shortly after lunch her father spoke up. “I’m not going to visit grandma! I cannot meet with my friend, and I wanted to wrap up my activities on the same afternoon.”
“If you don’t mind, I’ll take the car then.”
Before leaving, she was thinking of telling the Man a fatuous lie, so she would not have to go. Her inside stirred, her curiosity rose over this ridiculous and childish response. The car was hers for the rest of the day without a stop sign ahead. She grabbed her phone maladroitly, her stomach tied into a knot.
“It's me!” the Girl called out. “I'll be there at six.”
“I'll meet you then.”
She pushed the off button with trembling hands and put the phone on her desk. She could not resist his voice. She couldn’t say no.
It was five o'clock. She had an extra hour. She ate already and was anxious of what she should do. She wanted time to pass faster. She had a plan. She told her younger sister, Crimson, where she was going, but was afraid to inform her father. If she'd leave after five thirty, so she'd be on time.
The Girl never liked to rely on traffic. She prepared herself quickly and was rather early than late. She was the worrying kind. Even though she loved to drive fast, she didn't want to take chances, in case there was an accident. She had to be there. On time. She loved punctuality and order.
“Do you know if I should go?” asked the Girl from Crimson.
“I don't know. Do as you wish.”
“I don't know!” The Girl is frustrated, full of despair. “I am stuck in the valley-of-I-don't-knows.” Crimson is unaffected by her unrecognizable trembling and terror. “I think I'm going to go. I want to get out of this house. My day was pretty much shit and I just want to go.”
“Do as you wish, but be careful with him!”
“Of course,” was the obedient response while she was half-aware at Crimson’s comment. “I will be.”
“I wouldn't be surprised if he would make a move on you,” arrived the retort briskly.
“That is not why we’re meeting! I just want to have fun. I want to explore new things by going to places I've never been before.”
“All right. Just be careful, that's all I'm saying.”
“Don't worry. I can take care of myself.”
In some way, time passed by, and the clock ticked five thirty. She was set to go. She had her personal belongings, and official documentations. She didn't change her clothes. She remained in the ones she wore for work. Black jeans with dark sleeveless top. She didn't want to be ostentatious, merely good-looking in an ordinary way.
She took her purse, the car keys from the keychain and she was ready to leave the house. Her father was outside and looked at her bewildered. The Girl’s question regarding the usage of the car for the rest of the day surfaced and boiled.
“Where are you going?” asked her father.
“Away. I will be back.”
Her mother used to do it this way. Her father would ask no more questions regarding her whereabouts. If this trick worked for her mother, it unquestionably would for herself. It did. Her father looked at her as she got into the car, but had no more comments at his daughter's quick and obtuse response.
It was shortly after five thirty. Her heart raced, and there were no engines, which could slow it down. Adrenalin was at a high dosage in her body, her pulse rose and her blood pressure balanced the slow driving speed she adopted at the vehicular traffic.
She got to their meeting place ten minutes before six.

* * *

“You look drained,” commented the Man.
“I had a terrible examination period. I had a very hard semester too. Now I'm working. Basically, I had no time to relax, no time to catch up with myself. Not that I’m complaining. But the worst is that I cannot bring myself to sleep,” exclaimed the Girl. He examines her. “It was last Saturday, when I could sleep a bit more, but that is only because it rained and I couldn't do anything else. From three to six in the afternoon, I was asleep. Until Saturday, I was a complete vegetable. Even now, I’m kind of that. One afternoon is not enough to refill.”
She enjoyed the scenery. The up-beaten road with gravel and huge stones make the trip a romantic gateway. The road behind them was dusty and sandy. The hot air sizzled around her, and she wished she'd brought more comfortable clothes.
Suddenly the Man pops the question, “Do you want to drive?”
She looked at him, puzzled. Of course she wanted to drive. She wanted nothing more. She loved cars, and she loved to take control. Anything that moved and had engines moved her.
“I want to.”
In a minute, the Man stops close to an intersection, looks at the Girl and they switch seats. The Man get out, the Girl doesn’t. She moves her body over the gears and emergency break; without encircling the car she places herself in his seat. When he arrives at the passenger door, he rolls his eyes, raises his eyebrows and shoulders and questioningly he moves his hands in the air.
“I couldn't help it!” A huge smile brightens the features on her face. “I didn't need to get out of the car.”
He nods acknowledging. “I see.” He gets in beside her. “Driving this car isn’t hard,” he comforts her. Then shows her the different functions from all-wheel drive to two-wheel drive, and even front-wheel drive, how to shift gears and when to do so. The Girl has the perfect opportunity to try out and drive a Suzuki Samurai, which turns out to be easier to handle than their Golf.
“I like it.” She finds shifting gears swifter, but without power-steering, a bit harder.
“With this car, it’s not the speed, which matters, but the feeling.” The bumps and raggedness confirms his statement. “I want you to go off-road.”
She is shocked, confused and lost at the impossibility of his statement. “You are kidding me! I don't want to go down!” There is a parallel road down, where she points toward. However, the embankment is at least four meters high.
He is calm, tender. “Don't be afraid. I am right here. I will tell you what to do step-by-step. I've done it before and nothing's going to happen. I can promise you that.” The Girl, still under the spell of turning off from a “safe road” to a “not-so-safe one,” obeys the Man. When he says stop, she stops. He changes from two-wheel to four-wheel drive. “Slowly, turn the wheel so you are facing downward,” he calls out to her. The Girl's hands and feet obey. “Roll down, slowly.” The car approaches, then rolls down the hill.
She manages it easily. She enjoys it and she’s proud of herself. She exhales. “This was great!”
“Let's stay down here on this field and just drive. Enjoy the scenery and the bumps!”
She drove on an alfalfa field. The sun was low on horizon, no clouds blurred the skies. The air was humid; dust and hair stuck on her face. She was sweating slightly, but she turned her attention to the car and to the view of where she was. She went through the field; treading the alfalfa.
She was only on foot on these fields before. It was effortless with a car and rejuvenating. A group of deer were in the nearby bushes at one side of the pasture. With protruding ears, they anxiously looked at the vehicle; they were ready to tear along.
“I’m alive! I’m reborn!” shouts the Girl.
“I want you to drive up there,” he points to the embankment, “but before you do it, I want you to turn the car around.”
She lets out a faint, desperate cry. “You are crazy! I don't know how to do this!”
“You need to step on the gas. The rev has to reach two thousand and you have to keep the car straight.”
“All right.”
She stepped on the gas. The car had a twenty-six degree deflection. However, right before it reached the top, she turned the wheel. The car glided instead of climbing up. It squeaked and rolled down. She was in frenzy. She kept holding onto the wheel. She heard him say all right, this happened because of turning the wheel too soon, but the feeling of the backward movement was still in her head, hands and feet, even though they came to a stop, close to where they started from.
“It is all right,” his calming voice resonates in the car once again.
“Oh,” still short of breath.
“You have to keep it straight. I will tell you when to turn the wheel!”
She stood in front of the task once again. This time, she did exactly as she was told and within no time the jeep stood on the rim of the embankment. She was relieved. She never dreamed of doing such a maneuver.
“Do you know what I usually dream of?” she asks him.
“No. What is it?”
“I'm on a hill and I try to climb it, however, I always fall back. Somehow the hill curves, so when I'm about to get to the top, I always fall and tip over.”
“That's not going to happen, as long as I'm here!”
“It is nice of you to say that.”
The horrific sense that accompanied those dreams lingered in the Girl's heart and mind. His words swiped it away.
The setting and the day was beguiling. The woods hugged them. The sultry air and the wind refreshed not only the memories, but the moments. He didn't beguile her, but sometimes he made dubious comments, whereby she couldn't respond to; she smiled and blushed.
She talked about her relationship with her current boyfriend, the examination period and how she ended up finishing the exams. She lavished a month for the pathology comprehensive exam; however she finished the three major exams within one and a half weeks. It was record timing.
She had nothing and wanted nothing to hide. Unexplainable by all means, she felt she could chat openly about herself, her world and her feelings to him.
She wasn't able to talk to people explicitly. Her world was wrapped by motherly guide and the essence of her family. She was a closed book, afraid to open up to people. She was never unscrupulous. She thought the information she'd provide might be used against her. She never felt safe.
But not with him. She wanted to talk and get feedback. She needed someone who would bring her back on the track she lost control over – if she ever had – a long time ago. She didn't want anything else, but her lonely soul to be understood. She was waiting for the right person to come around.
“Do you want to eat pizza with me?” inquired the Man.
“It sounds good.” The veil of her thoughts is transparent to him. “How old are you?”
“I just turned thirty. I got a bit scared at the number. I was born in the year they appointed as national child's year. I guess I'll always be a child.” A soft smile crosses his face.
“Do you feel any different?”
“No. How about you? How old are you?”
“Twenty-five.”
“You don’t look your age.” The Girl doesn’t ask back if he means it as a compliment. She looks younger. It’s a fact.
She let him guide her through numerous little villages. There was a small, but well-decorated and renovated Catholic church along the way. In a little town, beside the main road was the selected restaurant. She parked the car, but left the lights on. He turned it off. Then he showed her the way to sit down, across one another. They waited for the waiter, and looked through the menu.
“I want a small pizza,” she uttered.
“Me too.”
“Pepperoni pizza sounds great.”
“I’ll have a bologna one. I know this place and the owner. Sometimes I bring my mom and my sister here. What do you think about the waiter?”
She’s stunned at the question, “He seems nice.”
“He has couple of degrees, including a medical one. Would you have concluded this when you looked at him?”
With mouth agape, “No way! He seems nice, but a doctor?!”
They talked about the Girl's family and her youngest sister, Beanie, who was still in high-school, but whose world and experiences seemed to fly far above. She had her way; she had to. She was the first in the family who was brave enough to go against their mother's will. She was a fighter; but inside she was emotionally vulnerable.
She envied Beanie. She had the power and the guts of saying yes, when their mother said no. The Girl couldn't bring herself to do the same. She was to please their mother, mostly, if not all the time.
She studied hard, followed her mother's footsteps. She was comfortable and thought she was independent. To her sisters, she was a second mother.
In the last couple of years, she shifted toward behaving more as a friend. At least, she tried to. If she’d scold and yell at them, she would only alienate herself. It was easiest, if she listened and when needed, advised them otherwise.
She focused on staying open. She wanted to listen to every side of the story before actually coming to her conclusions. Sometimes, it was hard.
The Girl has known the Man two summers back, but only from a distance. Two years ago, she worked for the company for the first time. She was an assistant at the quality department translating documents, helping the guys with administrative work, enlightening their days.
She wasn't as outspoken as she was now. She would be sitting in her chair, following orders, listening into conversations. She was afraid to add remarks or blurt out ideas. Back then, both her parents worked there and she didn't want to cause trouble, in case her candid words had an impact deeper than intended.
She got the job through her mother and her incessant stubbornness. She would have done everything for her daughters. Crimson started working at the company before she did. Crimson managed to work part-time, besides studying in high-school. The Girl only came to work during the summertime; when she was free of studying and summer practice at the hospital.
Crimson was the first who dated the Man and the Girl had no intention of knowing the Man better two years ago. They said hello, asked each other how their day has been, nothing else. The Girl was in a relationship too.
There was a time, when one of her co-workers corrected her English, and his harsh remark offended her deeply. After the person was no longer in the room, the Girl's eyes welled up, and tears flew down the corner of her eyes. She was vulnerable and excessively sensitive.
When she knew she was right, she couldn't help it. Instead of retorting, she kept her emotions to herself, until she could do nothing else but cry, or get pissed as her anger escalated.
She didn't jeopardize her parent's income. She swallowed the comment. When she cried, only the Man noticed it and comforted her. She was glad; no one else was there, but him. But she wouldn't mind if no one saw her like that. However, her outburst would have lasted longer. For some reason, even then, she allowed him her inner self be seen.
Before their pizza arrived, the Man looked at her exquisitely. She kept looking away from him, from side to side, just to avoid looking into his grayish-blue eyes, which inquired and soothed at the same time.
She wouldn't find anything there, but curiosity on one hand and reassurance on the other. It scared her. It was intense. It was a feeling she could not hide away from. It was real, but it wasn't meant to be. It wasn't supposed to be.
He was looking into her soul and her deepest emotions, which she could not put under a spell or cast away even for a second. Everything was disposed on the table and she allowed him to taste it. She didn't know what was happening. She was afraid of not to let it happen.
“You changed so much.” His smile approves the change. It is a warm smile. “I think you became a stronger woman. I don't see you crying any longer. You are more vibrating.”
“Coming through and finishing this year made me tougher. I have cried far less than usual.”
The Girl was lost not just at being hungry and waiting for their pizza to come, but the feelings and the moment surging over her head.
She told the Man about the transfer she applied for, so she could study where her mother lived. Since the separation of her parents, she barely saw her mother and Crimson; both have gone away. Her father and Beanie stayed home, but she was barely home either. She spent her days in the city she studied and when she had time, she went to her boyfriend’s place.
She barely came home anymore. She kept in contact through phone with Beanie and her father and through MSN and Skype with her mother and Crimson.
She felt alienated and excluded. It was her slip-up. She let the situation go out of hand. She didn’t have time to come home. It would mean spending less time with her current boyfriend.
The six-hour trips back home weighted in the situation. In the third year, there were too many subjects she had to prepare and study for.
The train rides could not be blamed for spending less time home. She managed them, just fine. She saw people, listened to them when the mp3 player wasn’t on, and jotted down some ideas she had about life and the philosophical impossibilities that entered along the way.
The transfer seemed to be a resolution. It kept her hopes up, and she pushed further and further. She could see her physiological and emotional barriers and limits.
She overcame herself in the examination period. She hadn’t pushed this far previously. This push came from the pressuring fact that if she wanted herself be considered as a transfer applicant, all her courses had to be finished before the summer break. So she did at the prize of having all her stored energies emptied and worn down.
There was nothing that could compel her when she was done. She was exhausted. The energy she needed to rebalance herself was nowhere in sight. She vegetated. She, once more, became the observer of the lives around her. She excluded herself from her environment. There was nothing new in it; there was nothing refreshing about it. She lingered and the days have gone by. That was all she wanted; the days to go by without corrupt intentions and harsh situations.
She wished to spend time with her mother, whom she looked up to every time she made a decision. Would mother do the same? Mother could have done this so much better… Mother is like a brick everybody wants to work with and get acquainted with.
She was the strongest person the Girl knew. She was the most talented, most stubborn, and most reliable, but not easy to live with. Her mood changed off-times. She could be influenced easily by other people and she took their comments to her heart straight away. Giving her condolences was a hard hit with failed tries most of the times.
She thought if she’d live with her mother and Crimson, her life would be easier, everything would fall back in place and she would feel alive again.
She was no longer sure. Something stirred in her and she was no longer aware of what would suit her better. Would staying home make more sense or leaving into a new oddity? Would I be ready to take on such a challenge? She was the only one, who knew the answer to this.
Their pizza with a heavy tomato scent arrived. It not only smelled but looked delicious. It had a thick crust; it bathed in tomato-sauce, juicy meat and cheese. Her mouth watered. His pizza looked scrumptious as well; she was happy with her choice.
“Do you want to try mine?” he asked her.
She nods and tries it. “Would you like to have a taste from mine as well?”
He smiles while looking into her eyes, “Of course.”
She wasn’t sure if she managed those looks without blushing. She focused on her pizza, which melted in her mouth. She tried the extra home-made tomato sauce the waiter brought out. The ripe tomatoes with herb mix were a fascination.
The words didn’t matter anymore; the senses took over and the moments of glimpses made her not just a hypocrite but a mere prey.
He didn’t talk much. The minority, which was soon to become the majority, flooded the place. In case a wrong word left someone’s mouth, they easily got stressed and fought back. Best was to keep one’s mouth closed. No words, no worries. He kept to this logic and theory.
After the pizza, he paid and the Girl took control over the wheel again. Her belly was full, her hopes high; yet she didn’t know where to put this situation.
No one paid for dinner who didn’t expect something in return. There was always something in return. For the moment the Girl forgot it. She was carefree. She was no longer submerged in her problems, but cared only about the moment, which revived her soul and for some unpredictable reason, she couldn’t care whose happiness she was about to shatter.
He advised her where to go. Upon going back, they took a slightly different route and they ended up at the lake he originally wanted to visit.
He introduced her in his world and slowly she caught up to it and did not want to let it go. She was in his trap. She loved the wilderness, and freedom; not to speak of the peace and the fresh air near the forests.
She couldn’t take anyone’s commands. But today, it changed. His comments weren’t commands. They were simply help outs, in case she was doing something wrong. He did not push her nor influence her. It was her will, with a slight help that came from a total stranger, who did not feel like a stranger at all.
She inquired about his job, which was obvious he did not enjoy doing since he was picked at by his superiors at every corner and every step. He wasn’t the only one played with. Jobs that were interesting before were a must now. The capacity and the quality decreased significantly. In the summer, the ventilators were removed from the working aisles, radios were turned off so people would pay more attention to what they were doing.
In those couple weeks, the Girl saw zombies; people changed. Work no longer gave inspiration to its workers, if it ever has; rather it took away their last breath of energy.
“Nothing compels me about my job,” he uttered blankly.
“I noticed. You aren’t happy.”
“It is the same stupidity over and over again.”
He was right. She saw this reaction on the others. Stamina was drained out of them; however they were more attached to their work. The weekly hours were reduced by twenty-five percent; most people worked only twenty-eight hours instead of the usual forty.
Where else could they go? The slump hasn’t brought anyone relief. Finding another job was ridiculous. It was out of the question, except for people with connections or for those who were ready to leave the country in hope of a higher wage and work. The country was a sieve that after being darned had a bigger hole on it than before.
They were back on the hind road leading to the lake. The entrance was almost blocked by cars whose passengers either came to fish, relax or swim. The entry, which was a dirty gravel road with a trench, could only be used by jeeps, scooters or bicycles.
She stopped short and he changed from two to four-wheel drive. She had to be brave again. The pit was a channel for excess water. It was a barricade for most people. According to the sign, the lake was private property, but the pit was too shallow for this purpose.
Gravel and sand was mined here and it operated fully. The guard, who watched over the property, was close to the sand dunes and to the working machines. He only sent away those who were within reachable distance. The rest were too far and he didn’t bother about them.
The back where she entered from wasn’t guarded. It was free to pass. It was an easier task than she first thought. The little Suzuki Samurai was a powerful beast, which knew no limits and handled such situations with swift and easy automated movements. She was back on the road in no time.
It rained a lot that summer. Spring went by without much precipitation and vegetation soared. The vital drops of water reached nature late; at the beginning of summer. Last time she was here with her sisters and their boyfriends, they could not go around the lake without paddling in knee-high water.
At the sight of the bank, where she stopped the car, this thought caught up with her. She could not do this. She was not ready to put the car in water. She did not want to sink it.
“You can go through it. It won’t harm the car.”
She let out a firm, feminine outburst. “I don’t want to!”
He notices her agitation and twitchiness. “All right, I will drive from now on.” He gets out of the car and she shifts back to the passenger’s seat.
He handled the car with familiar ease, and it swam through the pond like it belonged there. Ripples were under and around her. The warmness of the day reverberated and mirrored from the water, like calmness playing with rivalry.
This was the first obstacle the car had to swim through. The next was a bit longer, but friendlier. The water was muddy and murky, but not as deep.
The car was like a boat, unlike the scooter one of the crazy fellows driven and sank. The scooter’s sound did not echo when it was a third way into the water. Holy shit was the individual exclamation its owner could utter. He got stuck and has gotten his “baby” wet, which could not move away from the place it has made love to. After killing the engine, the owner had to push it out of the water.
This car was robust. It was noiseless and the undulations against the metal could be heard. The gliding of the tires on the little rocks in the bottom of the lake was like wind moving against the leaves; natural and calm, as the weather before a massive storm, which leaves everything dark. It was the state of immeasurable tranquility before everything becomes angry, Stygian and suicidal.
He got the jeep out of the water and continued the ride on the beaten track. He went by the sand dunes to the nudes resort. Close to sunset, no nudes occupied the place and he ventured to the bank as close as possible.
He was out first. He came around and wanted to reach for her. He held out his hand but she refused to take it. She stared at him for long and weary seconds and wasn’t ready to accept where this situation was leading to.
The thought of him wanting her was now as plain as a pikestaff and she was witless. It was impossible. It was a forthcoming gesture intended toward a more than friendly encounter. It was out of her league.
Upon registering her reply, he retreated and allowed her to walk to the shore. She gawked at the water and soaked her legs in it. She was engrossed and he wasn’t saying much either; at least it did not get through if he’s been talking to her.
Neither of them knew how to pick up the rhythm again. She sat in the car, with the door open and he stood beside her.
“Your eyes tell me that you’re sad,” was the only thing he could say.
“I might be,” her voice trails off. “Should we go?”
“Yes.”
He trod to his door, got in and they were off again. There were hard moments when she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. After some time, when he took a left turn to one of the roads, which would take them back, something came over her and before she could stop herself saying the wildest thoughts she wouldn’t utter even to those who knew her, the words left her mouth. She didn’t know what she was doing and most importantly why she was doing it.
“I’ve got the urge just to get any guy.”
He listens with both ears, tries to hide his sudden excitement. “I see.”
“I work with all these guys and I’m hungry to get on with one of them. Any one of them.”
“Any one of them?”
“All right. Not any one of them, just some.”
“Did you ever have a one-night stand?”
“No, never. I never felt the impulse for trying it. How about you?”
After a short hesitation his reply arrives. “Yes. Haven’t you ever been so unprincipled that you didn’t care about what would happen afterwards, and just concentrate on the now?”
“Never.”
“Which guy would you do it with?”
She pushes aside her shyness. “Johnny.”
“Johnny?” He is stunned. “Anyone else from work?”
“No.”
“What about your current boyfriend?”
“I don’t know what to do with him. I lost the passion I had for him. He is supposed to come and visit me soon, but I don’t want him to.”
“How long have you guys been together?”
“Over one and a half year.”
“That is quite a long time. You guys know mostly everything about each other.”
“That is true. But it is like a routine. There is nothing exciting about it.”
It wasn’t about cruelty or rudeness. She footed up the good and bad times they had together. She felt nothing for him. He was neutral, at hand, but without evoking sensual and sexual feelings. She needed more in a relationship.
Theirs was like a ship. After it reached its destination there was no sightseeing left to observe. All she needed to know, she was familiar with. Deep down somewhere, even though he hasn’t done anything bad, she rejected him. She trusted him, but could not evoke her interest in him anymore.
She wanted to hunt. It was unavoidable. However she did not chose the Man as the prey. She wanted someone unfamiliar and someone whom she couldn’t hurt and even if she did, wouldn’t mind causing the trouble. And even, it wasn’t about hurting people, only satisfying the “needs.”
She poked his stomach. It wasn’t the first time today she has done it. His belly was bigger than usual and she couldn’t help herself teasing him about it. It wasn’t only the belly she mocked him about. His white lower extremities, which didn’t receive any sunlight during the summer and glowed in the dark, was an element she had to point out.
It wasn’t her who started pulling someone’s leg. It was the Man with his boyish sexual implications, which left her speechless, then puzzled. He was contented and his smiles were gigantic. He loved to play with words and so did she. These passing hours bred a bound unbreakable, hidden with unforeseen insinuations. Neither of them could do anything to reverse it and neither of them wanted to. Those whole-hearted smiles were ironed not only on their cheeks, but in their hearts; they would and could not be washed away.
“Do you want to see a dike?” he inquired.
“Why not?”
It was dark outside and in the car, concealing some of the emotions sitting on her face. She was ashamed of herself. She wasn’t a product that had to be sold, but this is what she has actually done. She was selling herself. She had to be out of her mind. It was unlike her to do something as crazy and foolish as this.
After ten minutes, they reached the hurdle. They stood by the railing and she was fully aware of his body close to hers. He wanted to hush the mosquitoes away, which were biting both of them; and then he leaned in for a kiss. She drew back and turned her head away, without meeting his glance.
She wanted his kiss. She loved his smell; the masculine scent was all over her body, nostrils and head. Yet, she couldn’t do it. He belonged to someone else.
Before getting back in the car, he managed to embrace her. It was sensual. The mosquitoes bit them, but the environment was miles away, in a different dimension, on a different plane. She wanted more. It was undeniable.
He drove on an old track, among the woods, where the grass and weeds reached half the height of the car. In an instant, he turned off the engine, sank back in his seat and crossed his arms above his head.
“Isn’t it lovely? Everything’s so unperturbed.” His voice is calm, resolute, but yearning.
“Yes.
“I want to give you a kiss on the cheek or neck.”
She is puzzled at his direct motives. “Why?”
“Simply because I want to give you one.”
One kiss on the cheek would do no harm to anyone, she confuted herself. There were underlying implications, the rush of feelings. She didn’t detest. He leaned closer, slowly. He stroked his head against her cheek, until he found her neck. Carefully, in slow motion, with tenderness and gentleness, he pushed his lips against her neck. Then he pulled back leisurely. She was fully aware of him wanting more. He wasn’t the only one.
“I want a kiss as well.” He was adorable, but they haven’t made a deal.
She is on the brink of laughing at his compromise. “I don’t want to give you a kiss!”
His is childish, but half-serious, “I will be angry at you.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want to kiss you.” Her voice is firm, sharp, with a hint of playfulness.
It was hard steering clear of him. His stubborn, resolute and hard look not only showed hurt, but resentment and disappointment. Still, it didn’t move her. The molecules of air in the car got over the comfortable boundary and mosquitoes ran into the car when he rolled down the window. Some found their way to the Girl; the rest stayed and feasted on the Man, whose O blood type was more appetizing than hers.
He realized he wouldn’t achieve anything if he continued by pushing her; he started the engine and with the same disillusioned face, he drove back to the nightclub.
They sat beside each other, and listened to the deafening silence and to the sounds of the running engine. She was a bit disappointed, but didn’t lose her hope about feeling better. His reactions were wonted. It didn’t come as a surprise, since she heard it before. But she wished for a better ending.
She did not want to leave him soaked as a wet dog, in her opinion, he didn’t deserve it. And as crazy as it sounds, she didn’t feel he deserved it.
He parked the Samurai beside hers; like he did when he arrived. Hours ago, their meeting seemed so much easier. Now, leaving was an agony for both of them.
He is serious, longing. “I want to get my kiss for all the teasing you put me through today!”
Without vacillation she blurts out the words, which she can no longer hold in herself. “What are you doing? Are you going through the whole family?” She is scandalized by the facts. “First Crimson, and then my mother? Who’s next? Beanie?” He raises his eyebrows at the unexpected outburst and questions. “I’m sorry if I was rough with you, but this is how it comes down to me.”
“I hadn’t thought about it that way.”
“Of course, because it’s not your family! I feel awkward.”
She shouldn’t have thrown away her defenses. She was absolutely right; he was only playing with her. He had a greater impact on her than she actually thought he’d have. She didn’t mean what she said.
Even though, she was well aware she was going against her family, her laws of behavior, she couldn’t stop herself. She couldn’t leave without a kiss. The resonation of the air was unexplainable, anomalous, yet calming.
He was looking at her; she was fully aware of it. He was waiting for it. Aggrieved, peeved, he longed for that kiss. She didn’t know why – maybe the look on his face was so undeniably gentle and attractive – she kissed him.
She drew away and looked at him. He simpered. It was satisfaction, mingled with joy. It was invigorating, without antipathy as auras of the same energy colliding into one another, allowing each other a taste, which became a strong likeness within these key moments.
She felt no remorse; only pure emotions. Everything was washed away in her head. In those moments, they mattered and the whole world shrunk into a little corner, in a small closet, in a tiny box.
He leaned in for another one and she allowed him to taste her mouth; she kissed him back. The world no longer existed; there were no problems, no self-consciousness and self-control; all was lost to the devil.
On the brink of passion and fervor, morals and battles were lost. The poison of consciousness hid itself within the frontal lobes, which suffered from a coup and contra-coup affect after a serious, life-threatening, differed accident.
The minutes passed by like fluttering of wings of angels. Neither of them retreated. Kisses followed one another and they held each other in a sweet embrace beside his car, as it was the world’s most neutral fact and outcome. Neither of them wanted to think about the consequences, like they could be erased as birthmarks from the surface of the skin after laser surgery.
Nothing mattered anymore; just the care they nourished each other with. It was enough. It was more than enough.
The emotions welled up in her sapped soul shocked her. It horrified her, it was new. She longed for it, and hungrily, as a vampire would suck on a premium and well-chosen victim, she took it.
They stood outside the car, strongly holding each other, as if being afraid of letting go because of knowing the unfeasibility of doing it again. The cuddle was passionate, firm and stable. The senses encircled them and craved for more. The smells were intoxicated by the quiet moans they uttered in each other’s ears.
That instant, heaven and earth collided. Only they knew it; the rest would never understand it.
There were no intentions, but pure feelings, which found each other at the most unlikely place.
“I can barely let go of you.” His face is mesmerized.
Without the intention of leaving, she utters her words, “I have to go.” She is alive. His touch makes her belly quiver.
“I know,” he responds to her huskily. “What about a coffee or tea tomorrow at ten o’clock in front of the coffee machine?
“It would be great.”
After the fuss of finding her keys, which she always managed to put in a different sector within her purse, she took a seat in the car. Her glasses were a bit smeared, which she cleaned with the bottom of her T-shirt. He remained beside the car, with the window rolled down.
He peeked in and gave her goodnight and goodbye kisses. She turned on the engine and slowly – waiting for him to get in and start his car – rolled out to the street. She turned right and he took a left turn.
It was after eleven and she had to hurry back. She checked her phone, which was full of unanswered phone calls and messages. Her father tried to get a hold of her, but unsuccessfully.
While driving, she typed a short message saying: I’m on my way home to her father and she stepped on the gas even more.
The streets were empty, the lights were green. She had a free way and soon she was on the other side of the city, close to her town.
She shifted in her seat and could barely think of anything else but the embrace and the kisses. They were hot and firm, sensual and manly. She was in ecstasy and she wanted it to last forever, like the memory of a virgin who is about to sleep with someone for the first time.
She parked the car in their backyard, said a fast and prompt hello to her father and she was up in her room. She had to exhale, decrease then hide her happiness and when she was ready, she headed into Beanie’s room, where both her sisters were.
“How was it?” asks Crimson.
The Girl masks the euphoria and tries to respond coolly. “It was great. I drove the jeep on the embankment, ate pizza and encircled the lake.”
Fortunately, her sisters weren’t paying too much attention to her; it wasn’t hard to cover the extra, juicy part of the night. There were no questions, like how Come you’re so late, which would require a more collaborate work of brains cells she wouldn’t have at the moment. She wouldn’t have managed it adeptly in that emotional state.
She didn’t like to lie and she didn’t do it often. She was sure she’d be caught before she knew it. This was one of the reasons she didn’t cheat in school either. She would easily blush or get lost in what she was saying; the truth would be out sooner than she wanted it to.
She said goodnight and with trembling body and shattered soul, she went to bed. That night, guilt and happiness evaded her sleep.

* * *

Guilt wasn’t her friend. It woke her up in the middle of the night and she panicked. Thoughts and consciousness together beat her memories to the ground, until she was too tired to know what to do.
She overstepped her limits and was unsure of what to do next. He was basically still her mother’s boyfriend. He kept up the hope in her mother. It was him whom she was talking about on Skype and MSN incessantly.
She had to be out of her mind to even start a conversation with him, but it felt so good, so rejuvenating, like a rundown and scorched flower receiving water from the fountain of life; yet with the most painful kickback.
She did not portray the love toward a mother, who has done everything she possibly could for her three daughters. The extra work, all the workplaces she had at one time, the cleaning, cooking, managing the bills and the household. It was all her responsibility. And when it was time to lean back on someone, the Girl took away the sole person her mother relied on the most. She had to be the stupidest, most apathetic idiot in the world; yet she felt good about her new and blossoming relationship with him, which could not be placed on any normal man-made map of intelligence or even self-made laws.
It went beyond everything the Girl could have imagined. She was in her bed, but even the bed didn’t want to hold her. She was a stranger there. She could not be kept in her sleep because her mind was calculating and got itself overworked over an issue, which she couldn’t solve, since her curiosity about him was stronger than the feelings she had for her mother. It was damn contrition holding her heart; it squeezed it.
Continuing her relationship with him was far-fetched, but saying no was ridiculous. Her heart was sturdier than her mind. It was an unfamiliar sensation she never encountered. She could solve her problems, but now they sheathed her, suffocating her in the darkest corner of the night. There was neither medicine nor antibodies against the disease. The toughest and cruelest battle was still to come; she was in the epicenter of the hurricane.
Hours of self-torturing, malicious thoughts circled in her mind with all the pros and the cons of the situation. She tried to push away and aside the dreadful feelings, and allow positivity to rise over absurdity and skepticism.
Reality no longer existed; not in the sense everybody would expect it from her, but she no longer wanted to fulfill other people’s dreams and expectations. Her inner self – the concealed soul – did not leave her rest.
It was unfathomably wrong what she was doing; but her inner voice kept pushing her. When she was too tired to continue the inner battle within herself, she fell asleep.

* * *

The morning came by nippy; she could barely open her eyes. They soared. Her stomach was upside down. She wanted to throw up.
She was dizzy; her bed was still scratchy; she consumed her energy and got up. She wanted to see him; she needed to see him. This was the sole beat in her body. She wanted to throw up.
Slowly, she dragged herself to her closet, picked out the clothes for the day, and as an old granny, she took off her pajamas and dressed up.
She was sweaty, her body smelled of salt; it was unpleasant. She needed a shower; a wake-up call, which would tell her it’s a bad dream and she will wake up the day before everything was all right. Everything seemed easy and thoughtless.
She took off her clothes. The shower didn’t bring the expected relief. Her hands trembled, like her inside. She clothed herself without much care of what she would be wearing, went downstairs to drink a coffee. She could not bring herself eating breakfast. She packed a sandwich, which she only battered with margarine and a bit of salt.
Her stomach was doing flip-flops and she was on the brinks of throwing up and collapsing of tiredness. She was a beaten dog. The Girl and her father left for work, and hadn’t spoken of the previous day’s events. She thanked God.
She arrived at the engineering department in time and didn’t see him on her way. She talked to the guys for a bit and started her job.
However, as time passed by, her heart fortified. Her soreness became happiness and the jokes and talks around her enlivened a smile on her face. She blushed by the countless laughter those couple of hours brought. He texted her in the midst of her euphoria. He wanted to meet her in the coffee break as they planned it the day before.
She could barely stand the remaining minutes, which separated her from him. She did her work accelerating, and with renewed energy. Meanwhile, the clock ticked.
Shortly after ten o’clock, the Girl rushed out of the office, carefully, not to meet with her father on her way as she passed by the workstations he worked at. He wasn’t there. She could easily walk down the aisle.
He stands in front of the coffee machine, in a line, looks in the Girl’s direction with a single word glued to his lips, “Hi.”
“Hello.”
Without touch or kisses warmth eases into his glare. “Do you want coffee or tea?”
“Cappuccino.” He selects cappuccino for her and tea for himself. “How come you’re not drinking coffee?”
“I don’t like it. What do you say if we’d go to the back?” He points toward the storage, where the landing gear and shafts are stored.
“Fine.”
They walk side-by-side, like kindergarteners unfamiliar of how to make contact or where to start at. They find a nice place, hidden from sight, fenced by landing gears.
“This is what we need.” They are cramped, without finding the words. “How have you been?” he finally asks her.
“I had trouble sleeping.”
“Me too.”
“I can barely eat and I’m very tired.”
“I haven’t eaten anything either.”
His love-sick blue puppy eyes stare at her, she can barely look into them without fighting the compulsion of touching and hugging him. She is happy and scared alike. She holds her cappuccino, slurps it at a slow pace - buying time. “Aren’t you going to drink your tea?”
“It’s hot.” Irony weaves his words. “I’ll be able to drink it when coffee break is over.” He gesticulates. He needs her closeness. She anxiously obeys. She moves forward, and their bodies meet. He kisses her, hungrily, yet pusillanimously. She kisses him back. They embrace and stand there for seconds, whose fractured moment is lost in time. “I thought it was just a dream, which could never be repeated. It seemed to be so far away, and unthinkable.” He hesitates, “You know, yesterday, it was hard to let you go.”
“I know.”
She was still shaking, deep inside she felt good. She came home. She was loved, cared for and respected. This is what she needed; she found what she searched for. Is it good only because it is forbidden? She couldn’t figure it out. But she longed for every minute and second of it.
She loved how firmly he could hold her; just the way she wanted it. Nothing more, nothing less. Simply, as if he could read her thoughts or her emotions, as if everything was written on her forehead.
The break lasted for ten minutes and it was one of fastest ten minutes he ever had.
“Would you like to spend the afternoon with me?”
She is puzzled but the question warms her heart. “I’d love to. Where will we go?”
“Do you trust me?”
Without hesitation the answer is fastened on her lips, “I do.”
“Then, you’re coming?”
“Definitely. When and where should we meet?”
“Would the pub’s parking lot suit you?”
“Yes.”
“We should go now. I will come by and see you.”
After the kiss, they split up and aimed at the opposite directions. Her face flushed and her eyes twinkled. She smiled at her father as she passed him and she was back in her cubicle, working at full speed; the nitro in her was on.
Occasionally, she saw him passing by. He peaked in and grinned at her. Sometimes, he even waved. Anyone who’d have ten minutes to relax and look around could detect the connection between them.
The day went by fast. She ate a bit from her lunch, but didn’t see him in his twenty minute break. After lunch, he was visible. Grey trousers, working boots, green T-shirt was the uniform the quality personnel had to wear and he looked like a shameless, but astonishingly cute, little boy in it.
His face was crinkle-free, unless he beamed. Then, the corners of his eyes were full of them, which made him look like he’s been through a lot, dealt with a lot during his life.
After she came home, she put a pair of bathing suit in her purse in case they were going swimming. She put on a mini denim skirt with a small top and she bid her time in the bus stop across the pub.
Today, like the day before, she left her father only by saying: Goodbye! I’m off. She thought she’d tell him she’s going into the city with a bus to meet with a friend of hers, but she didn’t want to lie.
She had to sit tight for him, and decided next time she’d make him wait. Her mind and heart raced and as the waiting persisted, her mind took supremacy.
How far is this going to go? How far will I want to go? They will certainly find out. Then what the hell am I going to say? If I lie now, I might buy couple more days, then what? Then what the fuck is going to happen?
She was sidetracked, but she could not say no to her heart. Her heart and emotions propelled her. She couldn’t answer the question of why she was doing it and why him, why not someone else. Her rational thoughts weren’t allowed to dominate.
It was a preposterous impossibility. Then she saw his car coming. He noticed her as well, and pulled over to the bus stop. He wore dark pants with dark T-shirt. His devilish outlook matched his personality, which she fell in love with.
He feasted his eyes on her, from top to bottom, focusing on her feminine features. He was glad for she wore clothes, which showed more than the day before.
She let him touch her hands after shifting gears or her thighs. She sat beside him with frenetic ecstasy, like a child ready to be taken to the playground.
He was driving toward the main-abbey, a mere thirty kilometers away from her residency, where priesthood met with the forces of nature; where the hills were decorated with monumental churches along with vineries, chapels and trails in the woods.
Her mind was full of out-of-nowhere types of questions, which didn’t find stable and adequate bodies yet. He checked the upper parking lot. When his search was futile, he parked in a more suitable place, the lower, smaller, grassy lot.
They walked back on the hill, visited the chapels, inspected the sculptures of St. Peter, and a compass, which showed some major European cities along with where and how far they were.
Stones paved the trail around the chapel, castle and along the vineries. Then the trail turned to gravel and led many ways. Some descended into the woods, others to the estate, and one to the look-out tower.
The tower was a wooden structure, built twenty years ago, about thirty meters high. It was a massive and strong establishment. Both of them climbed it using the wooden ladders.
Up there, the air was cold against her skin; the wind blew and caressed her cheeks and hair. The scenery was full of trees, hills, other castles; even houses could be spotted out. The race track used for testing cars and where speeding races, which were sporadic, were held was to the north, covered by woods. On the opposite side was a lake, hidden by yet another forest.
He held her close, erratically pressed his lips against hers, or softy caressed her shoulders and hands. All the time, he kept her by his side, holding onto her like she was a feather that would fly away by the swiftest reverberation of the wind.
Standing at the edge of the look-out tower, she is serious, lost in thought. “Why do I live?” she asked from him. She never found a satisfactory answer to it, and hoped for a new idea.
“I’m not sure why you live. I know why I live.” He pauses briefly. “I want to see the brighter side of the world, the simple joys. All the little things, which make the world a better place. A smile, a good word.” He points to a train crossing the fields of wheat, barley and corn. Then to the horses, “I only saw two a moment ago, but if I look closer, I can see three horses.” He kisses her forehead. “There is a good side to things, not just the bad.”
“I suppose.”
She considered his answer, but within the same moment, she was against the world. Her battle was still ahead; she found happiness with him, which she’d have to wrestle for with the ones who always mattered to her.
The spark of possibilities of positive approaches and attitudes rested on her shoulders. It was the beginning of love accompanied by purple clouds and pink flowers. Yet, it wasn’t just the pink clouds; there was meaning.
Up until the look-out tower, everything was calm and resolute. Abstinence of pain, and the resolution to life problems hung close by. Nothing mattered; yet it was supposed to. Nothing hurt, even if the Girl’s broken soul was crying out loudly.
Stillness and emotions whirled by stitched and mended immeasurable gaps. She hadn’t noticed these gaps working against her all these years. She knew they existed. Her life was simple but she felt emotionally drained, fenced and driven away from people. Something wasn’t quite right.
These breaches within her wanted to stick together and heal. She found this profoundly insane – unconsciously. Consciously, she was only aware of the quietness and sequestration in her soul. It wasn’t against her mother; nothing was. It was toward the negativity and pessimism and sarcasm she built up throughout the years, which she could not molt.
She was stuck in this concept, in the ceremony of falsehood. It became her dark corner, her shadow. She approached people with reproach, carefulness and when they uttered words, she looked for clues for lies. She looked for the opportunities of when she could pounce of them, like a hunter on its preys. She forgot to see the good side humans possessed.
One allows only certain people to get into one’s personal sphere. But what if the benchmark is so high, there is barely anyone – to be more precise no one – who can make it.
She was worried, however not with him, even though it was unethical. He offered her a choice, which if she didn’t take, she wouldn’t get again. It was her second choice.
The first came two years ago; but she was so blindfolded, without giving much thought to the wholeness of the situation. She believed what she was told, without questioning of whether it was right or not. It was easier to follow someone else’s ideas.
In the distance, the trees danced as the wind blew them side-to-side. Her glance travelled down small roads, pastures with cattle and horses, and sunbathed scenery.
They walked back to the car, upon descending the tower, to get a drink somewhere.
“After the examination period, I wished for a summer, which would be meaningful, intellectual, and unique. And full of happiness.” He blinks at her statement incomprehensibly. “This is not what I had in mind,” the Girl went on.
“Two days ago, would you have thought that we were going to walk here together?” asked the Man.
“No. But what if we only had these two days?”
“Do you want it so?”
“I’m just asking theoretically. What if we only had these two days?”
“Do you want only these two days? Were they enough?”
“No.”
With shining eyes, he says “I want more than two days.”
They went to a gas station and he bought soft drinks, and afterwards they visited the race track he pointed out to her at the tower.
The race track was built forty years ago; it was still in an exceptional condition. They walked on the tracks, on the satellite curve.
The last track they visited was laid with various rocks and formations; there was gravel and stones on one of them. He mentioned his previous job at the toy company; he didn’t conceal the fact of how people were stealing from the corporation. He spoke about his other jobs and how he managed his life.
He held her hand firmly and they walked at a slow pace, full of hope. All she cared about was forgetting her worries and fears and being open to a new journey, perhaps, even a new chapter in her life.
When they kissed and touched, she teased him. She was stroking him gently, touching his muscles with the tip of her fingers.
“If you continue doing this, things might happen, even before we reach the car,” the Man announced.
She smiled; she didn’t want to take the relationship to the next level. She kissed him, teased him a bit more, but stopped abruptly.
Nature was still, there was no noise, there was no one in sight; only the two of them exposing their personalities to one another through tiny snapshots. They were far from knowing each other; it was the presence of one another, which swirled the air.

Impressum

Tag der Veröffentlichung: 07.07.2010

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