BookRix

Good Plot. I liked it.:)

Thank you all for the tips. I'll work on getting all the issues resolved and another edition up.

THANK YOU
THE GENERAL HIMSELF.

I want to read what happens next!

Good start on your story. There is an issue with proper sentencing and grammar. I think that a proof read will point out these things. You might also look at spacing. They are needed to make the story smoother to read./joeparente

I can see this story in an extended version. You should give it a shot. They were a few grammatical errors but not too many to distract me. Also place dialogue in quotes. It was confusing to see dialogue mix with the narration. Keep writing.