BookRix

sorry ive been busy :( but i read ur book and i think its awsome but on page 7 it says pyjamas so mabe you should use either use pjs or pajamas. but other than that its great so bye

Hi Textfreak,

Pg 5: You've written 'unsual' instead of 'unusual'. You need to look at the rules for comma usage, in particular, its use for: appositives, and separating main and relative clauses, separating two main clauses (should be semi-colon not comma). You've spelled 'interesting' as 'intresting'. I'd suggest you run this through another spelling and grammar check on 'word'. Your whole first para is in quote marks, but then the second isn't, though both seem the same in regards to narrative voice. Is this taking place inside the character's head or are they speaking out loud? Are these surposed to be the same? ... Victor Jones, the uncle, wasn't married, didn't have a girlfriend, no children, for sure ... This sentence doesn't work in its current format. When you have three in a list they often work well with very similar phrasing, otherwise it is good to separate them into their own sentences, 'no children', in particular, doesn't work. The use of 'for sure' is narrative voice, who is our protagonist?

Pg 6: Repetition of the word 'window' in close proximity. Repetition is okay if it is intentional, but it isn't working here. 'Opressive' is spelt wrong. There is some confusion with pronoun 'they', used for the hooded figures against the blizzard and then almost immediately the same pronoun is used to describe the kids in the room. This isn't working. A pronoun should always follow its noun.

I'll leave the comments at that for now. If you go through your entire piece looking at spelling, comma use in regards to what I've mentioned, repetition, and pronoun use, I'd then be happy to take another look.

Goodluck,

Bek