BookRix

this is really good, please write more.

DSA is breifly mention in Part 1 and is more detailed in part 2

Hi Tara,

I read your story through. It was fast paced and you built tension well. I felt that more questions were raised than answered. Perhaps there needs to be some more information on DSA and the other organisation. More information on Johnathon and his role in the story and relationship with your protagonist and her boyfriend.

I liked the way you 'showed' some of the flashback through dialogue rather that simply 'telling' through exposition. This also helps to build characterisation.

When writing dialogue, each new speaker should have a new paragraph. And when dialogue begins after exposition, it should be separated into a new paragraph.

There were some punctuation errors where comma's needed adding here and there and perhaps paragraphs were a bit long. Shorter paragraphs help a reader feel like they are moving quickly through the story. I've read it increases they're positive feelings about your writing.

I noticed you confused tense here and there. Sometimes using present tense and then past tense. Eg: Pg 4 ...He passed me and stops. Should be 'passed and stopped' or 'passes and stops'. I think you need to re edit by reading through the length of your story and checking all expressions of tense to make sure they match up.

In terms of your question on ending. I would recommend reading a book like: Beginnings, Middles & Ends - Nancy Kress. Story structure is important when you know which part your are writing, you then can use that formula to ensure you resolve your story for the reader. Some brainstorming might help for your ending. 'How does David die?' 'Does David die?' 'Who kills David?' 'How does Mirage cope with the death?' 'Does she cut herself off from the DSA because she blames them for his death or does she step in to prevent his death?' If you brain storm, maybe type out questions to yourself and then answer them for yourself, it will get your moving, breaking the writers block and move you to closure.

Good luck. You do have talent. You maintained pace, tone and built tension well. Keep writing.

Bek :)