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it's a well-written piece :)

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READ ON OR DIE TONIGHT AT 10:35 P.M 9 years ago a person named Jerry got dared to sleep in a house that was believed haunted. The next day his friends waited for him outside the house...... They had to go inside and search for him. They went through every room exept the attic. He wasn't supposed to sleep there. He was supposed to sleep in the living room they went to the attic
. They saw Jerry's corpse and they just left because they were scared. But that night they all died because of their friend. He killed them for making him sleep in that house if you don't send this to 11 comments you will die tonight by Jerry. Example 1: A man named Stewart read this and didn't believe it. He shut off his computer and went through his day. That night while he was in bed he heard something outside of his door. He got up to look. And now he's dead. Example 2: a girl named Haley read this in the morning and she got scared but she didn't send it. She wanted to now if it was true. She went to school (She was only 13 years old) and that night she died. If you don't post this on 11 comments Jerry will 'visit' you his isn't fake. Apperently if you copy and past this to ten comments in the next ten minuets you will have the best day of your life tomorrow. You will either get kissed or asked out, if you brake this chain you will see a little dead girl in your room tonight. In the next 53 minuets someone will say I love you or I'm sorry

THAT WAS............. AMAZING!!!!!! Keep on writing!!!!! <3 :)

Well done, and many congratulations.

I just wanted to say thank you to the Bookrix community for all the feedback and support.

I'm deeply grateful that "Matters of Mortology" was nominated as the wildcard and I'm please to be included with all of the other winners and nominees. Congrats to everyone!

Thanks for reading, thanks for voting...

Best,

T.M. Camp
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read: https://www.tmcamp.com
follow: facebook.com/followtmcamp | twitter.com/tmcamp

Hi T.M Camp,

Congrats on your wildcard pick.

I think you've put a lot of work into make this piece appear professional.

Your descriptive is powerful. I love the 'arrogant pharmaceutical fence'.

I'm wondering if you've spent a little too long on your discussion of Winter as death's time and spring as the midwives, also your protags busy time and rest time. It's wonderful in your setup, but by page 11, I started to think 'redundancy'.

There is a lot of backstory to this short story and I'm wondering if it's holding up the pace for the real story. Maybe reconsideration of where to start is necessary. There is also a lot of building of the protag's routine in life and goings-on with family, is this relevant to the story?

Time is also unclear. At the end of page 11 he is listening to his sisters footsteps as she makes breakfast, then there is backstory about family technicalitites, through to page 12 where he is then eating dinner. By page 13 he's going to sleep fitfully, but nothing has actually happened over the day at all. It seems that you mightn't be sure how to progress the story while delivering the important backstory. Because this makes up all of ch1, maybe pick to actually start the book in a time/scene that shows everything you've told as backstory in the current scene. This will give a tighter control of real story time, and engage the reader in the here and now. Plus, as a reader, I come away with very little knowledge or understanding about the guild and why these strange rituals and mores exist. You raise more questions than you answer.

Half way down page 15 you tell us where the story begins, I'd suggest this actually be the start of your story, or atleast ch2 if ch1 is the prologue to deliver backstory. Again your early ch2 is grounded in backstory and setup. I like the story of the children and the boundary but when is the appropriate time to tell this, right now I'm wondering what the point is you are making and thinking it should be introduced at the time you're covering something relevant to crossing the boundary in your story action.

I've stopped my reading at pg 16. I will be more than happy to read on when you've completed your next edit. What edit are you up to anyway? It often takes many edits to get a story right.

Workshopping tips:

Watch your comma use in regards to the conjunction 'but'.

Your sentence page 10(6), 'I had already said goodbye to my mother and sister when I began my apprenticeship five years prior, of course.' Why 'of course'?

Not sure about your choice of transitional space on pg 10.

There are some tense issue, i.e.: The controversies that 'have' fractured the guild ...' 'have' should be 'had', considering your still in backstory.

Repetition of 'there was a time' two sentences apart.

Watch your use of 'which' when 'that' is needed, and when 'which' is needed, it takes a comma prior.

Pg 11(7)... no doubt binding her time for the time ... repetition of 'time'.

Toward the end of page 11, I wasn't sure if I was still in flashback or not. Your mention of 'it had been nearly ten years since I had assumed my apprenticeship' got me thinking we are back in real time, if so then the text should then move back to present tense.

Pg 12(8): Tense issue--'I have heard ... families of my caste are more ...' Here, you've started with 'have heard', but then used present tense 'are'. Also, 'I do not blame then' should be 'I did not blame them'.

On pg 14, you've included foreshadowing, ... but death, I was to find out, would not be on holiday this year ... is great, it would act as an even better hook in the first few para's.

'Schism' is a strange word and used once is interesting, but twice in so many pages, it stands out and gives the sign of amateur writer.

When writing dialogue that goes on for paragraphs, you always start the para with the open quote but don't put a close quote at the end, then the next para another open quote and none at the end. Only put one at the end when the dialogue actually ends.

Pg 15: redundancy re: children huddling when the fence was taken down. You mention this two times when it's not necessary. Also, we don't need to know he learned the over-and-under routine in the academy. It's enough to say the name of the ritual.

When you talk of missing the father still, you do this in every case in present tense, though the story is told in past. But then in the opening pages you had started in present tense.

Goodluck with your writing, looking forward to seeing more of your stuff, and welcome to bookrix,

Bek :)

Truly awesome story and writing. You weaved your words intelligently and I also liked how you wrote the dialogs - they complimented well with the setting. Loved the quotes in the beginning, and most of all, just loved the twist in the end. :) I'm now sad I haven't read this before, but very glad chryse and the rest voted for you. :)

Thanks for this great read :)

I bow down before you, T.M., and hope everybody else digs their fingers out of their butts and votes for you. They can award that money to whoever and I'll probably still barf at their work. You're the winner, imo. Not just because you have good grammar, but because you got sttttyle my man. A+.

If you want to read and give feedback on my story, that would be great. But you're my Wild Card :)

I look forward to checking out your website! :)