BookRix

i liked it

So, the idea you have here is great, not something I haven't seen before, but not unoriginal. So I'm sure you must want some criticism with which you can improve your work, and, in my opinion, you should try writing it out again as a script - you know: stage directions (movements) and dialogue (speech the way you've done it), because honestly, I had a lot of difficulty understanding what you were writing -- when I had thought a character was saying a name, it was actually another character talking . . . so, there you go. Well done for what you've done so far! P.S. you've got to make it last longer!!!

So, the idea you have here is great, not something I haven't seen before, but not unoriginal. So I'm sure you must want some criticism with which you can improve your work, and, in my opinion, you should try writing it out again as a script - you know: stage directions (movements) and dialogue (speech the way you've done it), because honestly, I had a lot of difficulty understanding what you were writing -- when I had thought a character was saying a name, it was actually another character talking . . . so, there you go. Well done for what you've done so far!

it's a great story, but the way the dialog is writen makes it hard to follow.

Again I really liked just a few errors in your writing.