BookRix

Thankyou for your comments my teachers always said that my grammar was a downfall. I'll revise and hopefully it'll be sorted thanks again.

I really, really like the premise of your story, the characters seem interesting and well-thought out, and you appear to know exactly where this will go. But before you hand it over for publication, please find a good editor. Not for the content of the story, which is quite good, but for the technical things like grammar, spelling and syntax.

You have few paragraph breaks between one person's dialogue and the next, scanty punctuation separating sentences, and strange spacing between the letters within certain words.

All of this is easily fixed, so don't take it as a condemnation of your book. Repairing these errors will turn it into an excellent story. As it stands now, however, it's almost unreadable. I had to work hard to get through it - again, not because the story isn't good, but because of all the above-mentioned problems.

I firmly believe this story is worth fixing, and once it is, I'll bet anything you get a sizable readership (lots and lots of fans)!

I also applaud you for being wise enough to put this out there for comment before submitting it. It shows that you genuinely want to be a good writer and welcome honest assistance. Not enough young writers do that, and then they wonder why their stories don't go anywhere.

Keep up the good work, get yourself an experienced editor and/or proof-reader, and above all, KEEP WRITING! You're awesome!