BookRix

it's a nice read
keep it up

Hi, Gashi, it's me Ammad, with a different account, I'm still reading your book, so far so good....and I'm adding your book to my both accounts.

I read through most of this, but needed to stop and talk to you. It seems your mind is a fully functioning library, filled with an amazing collection of knowledge. For a writer, that's extremely important - having a background rich in experiences, information, understanding, and the ability to express the resulting philosophies is vital to the creation of a good, solid story.

That said, I would like to offer some observations and suggestions, none of which is meant as harsh criticism or to cause discouragement. I think you have the potential to be a powerful writer, one whose works will not only entertain, but make the reader think more deeply about many things. So please take what I'm about to say in that light.

First, your blurb reads like the catalog outline for a college course. The purpose of a blurb is to summarize while leaving a great deal in question in order pique the curiosity of potential readers. You don't need to explain a single thing. Keep it short and intriguing. For instance, "Bruce L is a detective whose days are filled with the hard work of crime solving, his nights spent staving off insanity. Recovering from the death of his wife, Bruce must face down his inner darkness while keeping it together to help rid the world of the physical demons, one case at a time." That's it. Of course, you'd need to rewrite my poor attempt to more accurately reflect the overall gist of the story, but in the world of professional writing, that's an example of how a blurb should be written. Short, to the point, and in the present tense.

Regarding the story itself - I know there are language issues, and these can easily be taken care of by getting yourself a good editor who is skilled in English. I have to say, though, that for the most part, your English is excellent - regardless of the obvious little errors (like using "on" when you should use "in"), you write better than many of the newer writers here who are native speakers of English. Ours is a difficult and often illogical tongue, and I applaud your fluency.

Second, an engaging story, especially in the Mystery genre, needs to have what is called "showing" rather than "telling." Your story goes on for about fifteen pages before any kind of dialogue takes place, and while the information - the "telling" - is interesting, it pretty much sounds like a college text book, and not a story at all. Rather like a case history from a Philosophy or Psychology course book. When you do introduce dialogue, you tell the reader you're about to have dialogue, but then put it into a screenplay format. Again, it's like you're simply talking about what they're saying and there's a huge disconnect between the reader and the characters.

Third, there is no action, something that's not only expected but vital to a mystery novel. To be honest, the reader doesn't care about your main character's philosophies or his extended history. Those things can come later, once the story line has been established. I like his inner thoughts - those were the most engaging part of the book - but shouldn't be introduced until something takes place that's more exciting than his drinking Jack Daniels and having nightmares.

For a first book, you have all the groundwork laid, but if the book reads more like your notes than an actual story, you won't get many people past the first two or three pages. I like where you seem to be going with this, and I have a feeling I would like your main character a great deal if you wrote him as someone who we see emerging slowly and evolving into the amazing person he is, instead of hitting us over the head with a full-blown back-story, explanations of his thoughts, and a lesson or two in religious wisdom mixed in (you can use that stuff to great advantage if it's in the right place and worked into the actual story line).

I hope you understand not only all that (yeah, I can get wordy, too, lol), but see that my sole purpose is to help you bring this into viable story form. I normally don't go on in such detail, especially if the "book" is downright awful. Yours, however, is not awful at all, but has all the earmarks of a great novel. For that reason, I've taken the time to explain a few essential norms for novel-writing, and expect that with some editing and reformatting of how the story is told, you'll have one of the best mystery novels on this site with the potential for bookstore- and library-worthy publication. You, sir, have the potential to be a huge success.

Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help you.

~Judy Colella

Hey hey hey, sorry man!.....I came as soon as I read your message, I was out but came for a visit and discovered your message, I'm sorry, I may be the first one to get your message but I'm afraid I'm the 4th one to get my hands on your book, I feel so awful being the 4th.....by the way I just started reading it but I'm adding it to my favorites cause I like to support my "REAL" friends....i'll post another comment when I finish your book.

i am halfway through , it is really interesting i love the plot and characters are mysterious
some grammar work and this piece will be a gem