BookRix

As Grace said grammar. Good story though. By-the-by errors are what editors and proofreaders are for so don't stop ^-^ keep writing..

I liked the idea and the plot a great deal. Please keep it up, you're doing great. As far as corrections go, listen to Felix and Stevie, they know what they are talking about. And like any art form, practice, practice, practice!!!!

You have stirred my curiosity. Serena

I like the idea and the mystery that surrounds your book. Definitely, keep writing. :) You're going in the right direction.

Just like with any book, there are a few grammatical things that could be tweaked. Patrick's (felixthecat) suggestion of breaking the dialog is spot on. Create a new paragraph each time the speaker shifts. It gives the story more fluidity and makes it easier for the reader to read the story without having to pause and figure out who's talking. The key to great writing is creating a world that someone can lose themselves in. Fixing those grammar errors will bring you one step closer. :) Honestly, I was right there with her the whole way. I love the tiny beating heart and your description of the love. My final piece of advice would be to show more than tell. My favorite quote, by Anton Chekhov, says "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." It's what I try to do in my writing (and what I tend to over-do, as well), but test it out on a little section. Instead of saying, "Vince looked terrified," try, "Vince rubbed the back of his neck and swallowed, his face pale." It's a poor example, but it might be fun. :)

Great start. I can't wait to read more!

Very intriguing, definitely write more. And I found that it's never to late to start editing as it seems the job is never done. Keep up the great work though. This story has a lot of promise and the fact that everyone wants more says loads about your talent!

Very good beginning, Trista. Yes, it is! I am intrigued about what will take place next...a sign that you the author have succeeded! Please post more, okay?

One small suggestion...Consider breaking paragraphs at dialogue exchanges:)

Good job.

Really want to know more.

Sorry I pressed twice..I'm bad...lol

Need to know more...plz

Only a few grammatical errors but this could turn into a very interesting story. Keep going with it : )