I really enjoyed this, especially since it was written by a fourteen year old who knows how to put together a coherent story. Well done for that. It had a good beginning, middle and end and made the reader feel very happy at the conclusion. This is a "current" piece of work since it references our soldiers who are sent overseas and are often killed. Fortunately for this particular soldier, he made it back alive.
I am assuming... mehr anzeigen
I really enjoyed this, especially since it was written by a fourteen year old who knows how to put together a coherent story. Well done for that. It had a good beginning, middle and end and made the reader feel very happy at the conclusion. This is a "current" piece of work since it references our soldiers who are sent overseas and are often killed. Fortunately for this particular soldier, he made it back alive.
I am assuming you will appreciate a few tips on how to improve what you have written, so I made a few notes. If you will go through your story and make the changes, I am positive it will flow better. Here goes:
Page 7 (first page of story). I am assuming a husky is a dog. However, at first I was not certain if it was another kind of animal because you did not say "dog".
Still on page 7...you said, "Soren heard it to." You should have said, "Soren heard it, too."
I changed your sentence to read: James swallowed, bracing himself for the beating he was sure to come.
(You do not need a semi-colon after swallow and I changed the last three words).
Try not to over-use the name "Soren". You can use "she" instead. I see you have used it a lot on the first page, so try and find another word.
Page 8 - Captian should be Captain
Page 9 - I love you too (not "to")
He shook James' hand (use an apostrophe after James)
Page 10 - ...bacon strip she HAD HIDDEN in the cupboard.
Page 12 - spell out numbers. "One month" not "1 month."
The telegram states, "His body will be flown in the wonderful USA ASAP." That does not sound realistic. An official telegram would probably just say, "His body will be returned to the United States as soon as possible."
Page 13 - An official notification would not say, "I am proud to inform you." How about, "I am delighted to inform you" instead?
Page 14 - Put an apostrophe here: the receptionist's voice.
When Soren goes to see her husband, you say she sees him in his room, and then knocks on the door. Which door?
Page 15 - This line should read as follows:
"Soren walked up to the bed WHERE her husband LAY....."
Again, I would not have taken the time to make these edits for you did I not think you have the bones of a very good story. You are to be commended for writing it as well as you did. I hope I have been helpful and am always available should you need someone to look over your work.
Well done. Valerie
