BookRix

(●⁰౪⁰●) ︀➸ ＷＷＷ.ＩＮＴＩＭＣＯＮＴＡＣＴ.ＣＯＭ?_ebook-sarah-cornett-hunted

I really enjoyed your story. It was very chilling. Great work. Thank you for sharing

rly, thx jesswygle! It would be gr8 if u could give me some ideas. I'm always open to suggestions. :))

I would have loved to have as much talent as you have at your age! Keep at it because your writing will only improve! This is a great little story you've created here...do you plan on adding to it? I can it going so many places!

- Jess

thx

You can see the editing in colour in the young writers critique thread.

.My heart pounded in my chest, a slow, audible rhythm, which that I swore they could hear. Them. The enemy.
“Find her! Don’t let her get away!”
I flinched at the loud barking voice of their leader, Flint. He was the reason I was being hunted. Like an animal. I hated him.
I shifted my weight in the hiding place I was in, and winced. My arm had a bullet in it. It was probably broken. The white and red of my bone and blood was visible. My blood dribbled onto the cold stone of the cave and I hastened to wipe it off, but it only smeared. Shoot. A sharp stinging pain shot up the length of my arm, and a single tear trailed its way down my dirty and bloody face. I had to get someone to look at it, get the bullet out. But since that probably wasn’t possible at the moment, I would have to take it out myself.
Bracing myself between two rocks, I got a grip on the slippery bullet protruding from my arm. Then I stuck my backpack strap in my mouth, bit down, and yanked.
***
They were gone by the time the steady stream of blood and tears had stopped. Luckily, I hadn’t screamed loud enough for them to hear me.
The bullet lay strewn on the ground beside my leg. The pain had increased when I had pulled it out, but if I hadn’t, it might have become infected.
I glanced at the mouth of the cave; I needed to move.
I struggle to my feet and slowly approached the entrance. I listened. Two male voices came from outside; guards. They guards still thought I was here. I backed up and opened my backpack; and pulled out my gun.
No paragraph break here. My dad had given it to me when I had turned thirteen; He believed in me being protected.
The cold metal of the pistol bit into my hand. It was the first time I had used it since going on the run.
I inched to the edge of the cave, and ran out.
The guards yelled and I heard gunshots around me. I twisted around and didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger.
The first shot struck one of the guards in the chest. He had a black beard and pasty skin. The other had close-cropped blonde hair, a large nose, and small, black, beady eyes. I shot him in the neck. They both crumpled to the ground in a bloody heap.
I ran.
My footsteps pounded on the wet leaves and dirt. My breath was coming in short gasps. There was a pain in my side. I ran on.

This is good writing. Well done. You have a bit of an semi-colon issue, but you just need to go through when you edit and try and take them out. My view is avoid them at all costs, but if there's absolutely no way of getting around them without losing the impact of the flow, them keep them in. Just make sure you use them as less often as you have here.

Anyway, this sounds like a good start to a story. Well done. Thanks for uploading and joining in the thread and I hope you'll continue to interact with your fellow young writers.
Good luck
Wendy

just ignore it