BookRix

I just read through your commentary here. this is wonderful and as this story is undergoing revision which I believe puts it in its fourth draft. I can tell you, your advice will be well applied. By the way "Turfed"? Is that an Aussie thing? lol.

You're definitely correct about the verbosity. I truly have a problem with it in this story. It has been giving me alot of problems. Of course if you think thats bad, you should read the one I am working on. God! I wanna tear my hair out! Which means its time to shave it off, lol.

Anyway, Thanks again.
Russ

P.S.

Just wanted to say, you have great ideas and I still love your ingenuity with words, descriptions and metaphor.

Bek :)

Hi Russ,

Interesting title for your story, how did you come up with it?

Now, you have a perfect hook in your first sentence in this story. I don't think you have a problem with hooks at all.

I'd suggest to you to watch your use of 'which' when 'that' is needed (or as quoted by someone important, go on a which hunt). 'Which' takes a comma before and 'that' doesn't. 'That' defines, where as 'Which' describes. In many cases you've used 'which' to define.

I.e.: Pg 5--'... it seemed to me that the clouds were racing in from the west like a throng of spectators hurrying to see something which they didn't expect ...' Great descriptive. But, in this instance the 'which' must be a 'that', because that bit of info is not an incidental, it is hard to explain--it has to do with sentence structure and you need to know about main clauses and relative clauses to get it, but generally, use 'that' most of the time, whenever it can work. Get into the habit and you'll then start to get the gist of when it's okay to use 'which', it'll only be the times when 'that' won't work.

Pg 5: Something is not right with this sentence: 'Yet despite that an oppressive feeling, a feeling of being held back as if some part of me or of the world were warning me to stay home and not stray far from my door.

Fix: A comma is needed between 'that' and 'an'. Also, an unspaced em dash needs inserting in two places: 'Yet despite that, an oppressive feeling--a feeling as if some part of me or of the world--were warning me to stay home and not stray far from my door. (Em dashes don't work on Bookrix so I've used two hyphens instead for the same effect). You'll notice that the sentence becomes controlled with the right punctuation, and the reader is guided through using the spaces for breaths, and you--as writer--are the conductor of an orchestra.

Pg 6: Run on sentence--'After showering and eating a light breakfast I managed to shake off more or less the oppressive sensation as a day like that was perfect in my view for going downtown and visiting this city's fabulous Main Branch Library, though I must admit it has been many years since I have left my house on a grey day, except when necessary.'

Now, long sentences can be fantastic, but only when they work. One way of making them work is through the use of punctuation and playing around with syntax (sentence structure). I can provide an example of a rewrite, but it is only one example, as there are many ways of rewriting and you want to choose something that suits your voice and tone.

Example: After showering and eating a light breakfast, I managed--more or less--to shake the oppressive sensation; it was, afterall, a perfect day for visiting the Main Branch Library downtown. It had been years, though, since I'd left my house on a grey day--unless absolutely necessary.

You need to watch your use of 'however' both for punctuation and repetition

You've relied on 'telling' as opposed to 'showing' in some key scenes, where the reader wants to live the situation.

For example: pg 11, where the old woman is throwing items at him. Here you tell us through narrative what she did: 'I finally gave up when she began hurling random items at me ...' Instead of the narrator telling us this happened, you could show it. Keep the dialogue happening where he persists, then show her actions, ... she bent down and picked up one shiny stone and held it above her head. She looked me square in the eye and then turfed it at me ... This brings the reader along for the ride, allowing the reader to feel what the protag is feeling as it happens.

Telling is important, too, but you need to pick carefully what to show and what to tell. Anything where there is fuelled conflict really deserves to be shown. You did this so well in your other story with the werewolf, really showing everything that was meaty and full of violence.

Pg 15: 'I find much of what is written ...' should be, 'I have found much of ...' this is a tense issue. Look out for repetition of the word 'actually'.

Pg 16: Comma needed between 'deeper' and 'doing'.

Pg 17: Comma between 'done' and 'and', then unspaced em dash between 'themselves' and 'body', and another unspaced em dash between 'spirit' and 'driving'. Comma needed between 'philosophy' and 'while' and comma between 'divine' and 'was'. There is a lot more comma issues throughout. It has to do with your sentence structure: main and relative clauses and whatever is appositive.

Anyway, no more line edits.

Get rid of any 'seem to's', be definite in your writing, e.g. p 19. And any 'appeared to's' p 20.

It strikes me that while your protagonist is busy telling about what happened on that fateful day, and he goes on to describe what he sees around him, which I'm quite enjoying, I'm left wondering what he himself is feeling. This is the bit where the world goes silent. I'm thinking it'd be more human for him to first completely and utterly panic and that you show us this whole thing, then when he finally gets a grip, he can begin studying others. So I guess I'm saying it'd work better and be more plausible if you swapped it around.

I like your character's voice, but because his explanations are lofty and verbose, I admit to getting a little lost in them, forgetting what it is we are talking about. I'm not sure how to fix this, but I think it might have something to do with the structure. I think you've got this draft down, (is it your first draft?), and you'll need now to take a look at the idea behind the story, and how is best to present this idea. Then look at restructuring so that you feel the flow encourages understanding, keeping key ideas together. I know you probably think this has happened already, but what you're writing, is quite complex (and very intersting), and unless you can find a way to simplify it without losing the mysterious and intriguing nature of it, you are likely to lose other readers, too.

Have you thought about a framing structure, this'll probably work well. Think through each chunk of tangent that the protag goes on. Study it and shorten it, simplify it.

I look forward to reading the next draft.

Goodluck, Russ.

Bek :)

Thank you Mr. Twisted!

I appreciate it.

I am happy you not only plodded through it, but liked it despite having to plod. I feel the narrative is a bit thick and still needs alot of streamlining in revision. But you have definitely given me a new hope for it.

Russ

I still can't come closer to how good you narrate and describe :) This story is simply awesome. I don't know which of your two stories I like best, but I'm glad this ended quite happier at least. You gave it a different touch.

Hope to read more from you :)

Hey there,

Thank you so much for the kind remarks. And also thank you for the star. I hope you find my next offering just as pleasing. And yes, again with the horror. Mwuhahahahha!

Russell Hamblin.

Again with the horror....I figured if I enjoyed the last novel, I may enjoy this as well. I did. Only two books and already I am a fan. This did have more gore than the last, but understandable. Only means this author is coming into his own right as a novelist. I absolutely enjoyed this. I am at the edge of my seat waiting for what he has in store for us next. Excellent.

for those about to read this story, make enough time so you wont need to leave for you wont be disappointed. Mr. Hamblin has a raw talent second to none.

Thank you Leashea, for saving my book to your favs.

Russ