BookRix

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Hi, Bek, I've read this piece and left comments, but for some strange reason, they are not showing up. The storyline is an interesting premise; I wonder if you are involved in the study of mind disorders. You step into that realm quite easily. I, too, love the intrigue of the recesses of the mind! A grand pursuit of unlimited possibilities. I have read this tale the second time and there are areas that need punctuation for clarity, and also in one instance you started the (' ) but left the ending (' ) off, so it was unclear where the speech dropped off. Also, read it over for commas, ( I saw several spots that called for a comma before the last word in the sentence). Again, you do a fantastic job with your characters...good work. Your writing keeps on growing! I look forward to the next story. Elizabeth

I like your creative tale. I have a sister who suffers from that condition. Thanks for sharing.

Your story kept me glued to every page. You did an excellent job of keeping the reader engaged and painted a vivid portrayal of someone with a mental disease. I agree with Wendy, though. Change the front cover picture to something more catchy. Good luck and congrats on another fine piece. Valerie

You have taken a simple theme but has successfully elaborated it into a fast reading piece. Jen is a reflection of girls of this modern age, where they chase unknown pastures and forget to live in the present.

well done you are doing so well

You did a great job of capturing (and portraying) many symptoms of 'several' abnormal-psychology disorders Bek. "Bipolar disease" being the most obvious here. (I'm also working on a short story, with a severe 'manic/depressive' cycle. I'm waiting fr my next 'manic' episode to finish it..:).

This caught me by the throat from the very first page, and kept me going till the end. To me...this is your finest piece to date - and that says a LOT...You're a very fine writer indeed!

Best of luck!
Robin

Please read sad and not said in my writing here for you.

How said and worrying outcome of your hero,Orlando who could disturb Jen to the extent that she became a mental case.Sending her message from the cover of a magazine...and all other things are natural but to me that all is a sort of case study and does not fit into total creative experience for that you require some additional ideas and thoughts
Still the piece is interesting and the whole too
Ashok Aatreya

you either have a connection to someone or are studying psychology because you so easily transported us back into your other story 'Choking On Air' - very believable premise again as we revisit the world of the disconnected...great job in telling it ...Paula