BookRix

This was a great story with great metaphorical content. I thought the family dynamic was a great achievment, which is never an easy subject to write. Good job!

i read almost all books, but u, afzal shauq and olfa are the best and true ones, good to u

Hi Rebekah,
I liked the metaphor viewing life through the eyes of the character’s glasses. I think it took on a new perspective, but it seemingly lost some passion in the middle of the book. I enjoyed your voice and I like how gently you revealed the unpleasantness of domestic violent and the impact it could have on a person who loves them so much. Thanks for a different writer’s edge…Keep up the great creativity.

Linda B

I liked the whole idea with the glasses metaphor. Very unique but very fitting at the same time. The ending was sad... Reminds me of one of those movies where everyones lives link up in a movie some how... like crash...

I liked your story. I vote your book. Thanks for letting me read and comment. All the best!

Hi Rebekah. I've been trying to take a look at the stories in this family contest and got very caught up in the beginning of yours. I usually pick what I am or am not going to read on the first couple of paragraphs, so well done for catching my attention. I thought the metaphor with the glasses was brilliant, though it did kind of wavor toward the end. It is only my opinion, but what I felt was you were going along telling the story and then almost had a "oops" moment where you needed to get the glasses back in. Every story takes time to iron out the kinks and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I'm going to offer up a little punctuation advice. You are more than welcome to delete out if you are not interested. The first has to do with dialogue tags like 'he said' or 'she said.' Simply put, they are a part of your dialogue and are always connected with a comma rather than a period. Example: I'll take from your story but only write the corrected way.
> I should have brought my picnic mat," I said to Louise . . .
> "That's excellent," she said.
> "What have you got in your sandwiches today?" she asked.
Even with a question mark in place the tag is still part of the sentence so (she) is not capped.

The next one is separating dialogue from character action. Action can also be thoughts.
> I took the hint, "I think this is the best . . .
Without adding a tag you will need to close after hint. With a tag added a comma is okay.
I took the hint, saying, "I think this is the best . . . or I took the hint. "I think this is the best . . .

Sometimes sentence structure was awkward. Try reading aloud to catch missing words and/or awkward wording. I record and play back or have a friend read my story to me. All good ways to catch those little places needing help.

> My sandwiches finished now I searched around my bag for a napkin and a piece of fruit.
My first thought was did she eat more than one sandwich? Then I struggled some with wording which always takes away from the enjoyment of the story.

My sandwich finished, I searched around in my bag for a napkin and a piece of fruit.

Just a couple of examples for you. I always keep two books by my computer when I'm writing to help remind me. Both are by Diana Hacker, "The Bedford Handbook for Writers" and "Rules for Writers." You don't have to get these two, but I think it helps everyone to have something to turn to when you have a question.

I'm going to stop now. I spent time with your story because I think it holds a lot of promise. I hope you take what I offer as a friend just trying to help you out. Writing is a tough field to break into, but you can do it. Best of luck to you with this one.
If you are interested I have a story entered in this contest and would love to hear what you have to say. I'm always open to outside advice. Only vote if you like what you read.
Denna

Message: Hi Rebekah,
I had a little time this afternoon, so I read back through 'Chameleon'. Apart from the fact that I think you're a very astute writer, I also think your prose is very good. There is not much to mention in terms of anything you're doing which jumps out at me, except the word 'now'.
In most places imho you could just take it out and it wouldn't make any difference to the story.
Have a look at page 2 - 3rd line and again page 5 - 1st and 7th line.
I decided to ignore any further 'now's' but strangely enough, I didn't notice any more. Repeated words catch all writers out. Even on an edit, it might take someone else to pick it up. (I've just done it, with the word 'any'!)
I'll tell you what I do like - your attention to detail, as in:
'...watching the blonde hairs stand up and flick back.'

'... pride on her shoulder and alcohol in her veins.'

'My eyebrows had risen, jumped ... all the way to the end of that para.
It raised several emotions. First I started to smile, then slowly realised what a fantastic set of metaphors. Wonderful. And too many others like this to mention.
The dialogue is easy, flowing, like you could have been there listening, watching. I love the indications throughout, of character without being too obvious. Strange but so true-to-life how Louise is so fastidious, but failed to spot how unfastidious she is when it comes to Shane. Raises a lot of questions, and without going into detail, I thought it was a brilliant touch to bring the mother into it - and the controlling Cliff. LIke I said, sometimes, what you haven't said speaks louder.
It's an opinion of course, but I liked very much the take on the glasses. It described, for me, how people see things from different angles. Crucial to the story.
Your writing reminds me a little of something else I read on here, which I loved. It's called Pirouttes, Secrets and Late Night Radio - written by Alison Duggan. It's in the comp - so you'd probably be able to find it if you trail through.
I'll get back to you when I've read your other book again. I haven't followed any 'formula' in reviewing, I just followed what my heart told me, and my heart tells me you're probably a better writer than you think.
Kind thioughts, Paige.

Good read, very emotional. A little too much explanation of the 'glasses' metaphor; I feel it could be worked in a little more naturally in some places. It is not such a completely original metaphor that the groundwork doesn't already exist for it.

The use of the glasses for people's perspective is great. Your use of descriptive detail makes you "see" the scene. Great detail.
kathy

A very insightful story and an interesting way of looking at people's views on the world.