BookRix

Haha! That was cute! I like it. I'm a little a.d.d. so short stories are good!

it was a bit boring the story other wise good try

Flash fiction is harder than it looks. This one was good.

I understood who everyone was, but you seemed to make a point of letting the reader know everyone's name and I thought it was going to be important. But the brother could actually have gone unnamed. Maybe the parents could, too. What I'm slowly learning in the classes I've taken and the 'reading on writing' I'm doing, is that the less you say, the better. Too many words acts like a blanket, covering what you're trying to show.
Is that the point of flash fiction?

This was funny Beki!! lol

I agree with the previous comments regarding the names.
I get that the point of the story is that the family has apparently been feeding on cocoons all along, but I wish you could make that conclusion a little more shocking. Maybe the parents could refuse to take Suzie seriously b/c she complains about food all the time but then it turns out that - what do you know? she was right, we are eating bugs! Boy who cried wolf sort of theme. That would be hilarious.
I'd like to read the revised draft, if you write one. Simone

Although I liked the story immediately I had a few reservations about the way the names fitted into it - and strangely, when I scanned the other reviews, some of your other friends put into words what I was trying to say.
So well done, rebekah, and the important thing is to accept the feedback, don't take it to heart, change the bits you feel need changing and it'll be perfect ...

Hi Rebekah
I've read this story several times, trying out changes in my mind. The first read seemed awkward and I waited for an hour or so before reading again. It was the tags, after the names, that threw everything off-balance. Anyway, after several reads, this is what I've come up with. In the second line, don't mentioned a name or dad. Let it read:
"Broccoli, why? Have you decided you don't like that now, either?"
"No, Dad." Suzi said. "Look, it's a caterpillar."
He leaned toward Suzi's plate and eyed the small brown attachment. Squinting, he moved even closer and....
"Let me see," her brother demanded.
Here we go, she thought.
And at the end, her brother might say something like this:
"Maybe we've been eating caterpillars all this time and no one noticed until...Suzi."
Thank you for sharing your story. When a writer lives in another country, I am hesitant to offer any changes because it might read in a different way in their country. So, if I've suggested any change that falls into this area, do what your author voice tells you.
Thanks, Elizabeth

Hi Paula,

Thanks for the read and feedback. You are right, pg 6 should have been 'from' not 'for'. Also, yours is the second comment on names and confusion so it is a must that I do something about it.

Rather than not name the parents, as they talk later when Suzie's not with them (so calling them dad or mum doesn't seem right), I've decided to remove the brother all together and I've take the word Natalie out and so that we only know mum as Nat. I think this should do it.

If I can trouble you for a second read, I'd love your updated opinion. Bek :)

I read some of the other comments after I wrote mine and there is another point to make. Suzie is the starring character so it really isn't necessary to identify every family member by name. Just call them mom, dad, brother. They are her supporting cast, not the focus of the story. So leave it with Suzie only and your story and dialogue will flow smoothly without awkward sentencing that gets in the way of the action/event orientation of this tale.