BookRix

Well, this was pretty good. A nice hook, once I got past the dialogue in the very beginning ;) Well done, my friend. Well done.

I do, however, have some critiques:

Now I must say, you got me very confused in the beginning, especially with the dialogue. I couldn't tell who was saying what! It was extremely baffling to read.

That reminds me that I couldn't tell who the main character was and I had no idea what her name was either. Yikes! Makes sure I know who is who and what's going on.

Also, some of your sentences are too long and wordy, giving a lighthearted feel to the story. And I assume it's supposed to have a frustrated, angry, and confused feeling(at least in the very beginning). I don't think you're trying to put too much humor into the first several paragraphs.

And when you describe the new house in Maine, it feels like a list. And you don't want that to be the reaction your readers get. I mean, I like the image you give with the description, but almost all the sentences start with 'the', 'and', or 'a'. Yikes!

Overall, if was pretty good. However, there are some rough spots that need smoothing out. But the story is interesting. I like the mother a lot. She's cute! I think once you edit and perfect the beginning, this piece could be very, very good.

Great job!
Keep writing!

---RbG

You're really talented! You have a way with words that's effortless and yet engaging all at the same time. Kept me hooked right until the end, and definitely left me wanting more! Nikki seems like a really interesting character, and I want to see where her story goes. Let me know when you update!

:)