BookRix

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I haven't read very much of it, but I can tell this is a good book.

That was all very helpful,

No ones said I have bad grammar yet, so I commend you on your honesty. Thank you. And thank you for the vote,

I will have to PM you for some more advice, thank you very much.

Russ.

Back a third time.

You are a smart person, I can see it in your writing. Your narrative is good, you have a larg vocabulary and you make use of it, appropriately.

Pg 22: 'Reckless abandon' is a bit cliche.

Pg 23: Not sure 'dishwater blonde' works with the whole notion of beauty that you're evoking.

Pg 24: Repetition of the word 'very'. I've also noticed a reliance on useing the 'negative verb', 'not just this, but this', 'not just that, but that'. I think it works but NOT to often, lol, looks like I'm copying. Your flashforward on the psyche unit and the girl was really good. I love that you've stretched the horror of the first death out, this is a stroke of genious, well done.

Pg 29: Repetition of the word 'actually'. Page 31 it comes up again. You need to watch overuse of this word.

Pg 41: You have redundancy, which in parts didn't matter and in others does. Here's one example: 'The werewolf kept moving, faster, much faster; it seemed to be gaining speed'. The second main clause is presumed, in fact, it's been spoken, therefore not needed. You should go through your whole piece and look for these types of redundancies, they happen to the best writer's and it often takes others to notice them. The we laugh at ourselves.

I love this story. The fact that you had such bad grammar didn't ruin it for me. I resolutely read through till the end. This I commend you on. I wanted the werewold to be wearing a bracelet or something that belonged to Jeselle!

You maintained your omniscience voice throughout, too.

You have my vote.

Well done.

Bek :)

Hi Hambie,

I'm back. I wanted to say I like your use of metaphor, I liked the 'umbrella' of shadow and your use of personification, 'the whim of the light evening breeze'.

You need to look at your use of relative conjunctions and how to build a sentence around them with correct punctuation.

For example, 'however', this word either starts a sentence and is followed by a comma, or it is part of a sentence where a main clause precedes it along with a semi-colon.

Eg: Your verson-'This block had fewer trees along its middle section however, making any movement stand out.'

You can see this is one sentence. The second clause, a relative clause, starts after 'however'. You can either change it by adding a semi-colon in front of the 'however': This block had fewer trees along its middle section; however, making any movement ...' Or by breaking it into two sentences: 'This block had fewer trees along its middle section. However, any movement was ...' You'd have to play around with the wording in the second option.

This is why understanding sentence structure and punctuation actually gives a writer greater control over their work. You can work within the rules but still chop and change things to get the effect you're looking for.

I'd also look at breaking your work into more paragraphs, so the writer can bite off smaller amounts and chew over them as they're reading.

Bookrix is playing up now so I'll have to leave it a bit and come back. For some reason your story pages aren't turning. Reloading isn't working, either. So I'll be back.

Bek :)

Hi Hambie,

I think there are some tense issues in your very first para. You start off in present tense. I thought this might work because the moon is one of those everlasting things, but then you speak of the people in Salt lake city and the tense is still present, then moves to past shortly after. You just need to sharpen up on your verbs.

I like the time you've spent setting the scene.

You need to scrub up on your comma use. I'd suggest picking up a grammar book, Strunk or Treddinick.

I think you're writing is fine, but your first ACT doesn't have a good hook. No foreshadowing, no hints, no drama. Just backstory, and a journey from one place to another.

I'm hitting the good bit, with the sounds and the hairy figure. I'll have to finish this 2moro, though.

Bek :)

Thank you so much! I admit, I have much to work on, but I have some great examples to work with here on this site. Thank you.

Russ.

I'm still not good at waiting until page 30 something for the action, but once there it was really good. AND it's bona fide horror story. :)

I appreciate your support and the kind words. Thank you so much!

Russ.

Very easy to read, flows nicely, very entertaining. You got my vote!

Dale Moses