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Hi Miranda,

I'm reading your story now, sorry it has taken so long.

Some feedback:

Pg 6: The souls of our feet burn through rubber sandels. This sentence is a little confused in its meaning. It sounds as though the feet have the powers of fire and they can burn their way through sandels. Lol...

Pg 8: Why do you say the sun is trembling. Does it have something to do with the way it looks to the eye, like heat is causing an illusion that causes its outline to wiggle? Like a mirage in the distance?

I really enjoyed the first story and I think you have a wonderfully, soothing narrative voice. I also am quite partial to present tense, it makes things seem so immediate.

Pg 10: ...gangplank onto the deck which by now a carpet of colour... 'which' is a relative pronoun that precedes a relative clause and is useful for adding more descriptive, additional information. A comma should always precede 'which', but not 'that.

I enjoyed your second story, too. And the fact it was in past tense didn't take away from my enjoyment so don't worry. Tense is a choice one way or the other and both have worked fine. I think your stories could set off some nice scenes in a larger piece. Are you thinking of that?

Pg 21: You have two sets of quotation marks next to each other by accident, about half way down the page. And a space between a quote and a 'But' that shouldn't be there.

Miranda, I thought your stories were fantastic. You have SHOWN, not TOLD, your entire stories and I really enjoyed the pace and your style. I will vote for you and I think you deserve a win on this.

Goodluck :)

Bek :)

I love stories that deal with cultures different from our own. You've done a grand job. Thanks for the glimpse into the everyday world of such a unique place! I voted. Elizabeth

There are some grammatical errors but, not being an editor myself, I am reluctant to try and point them all out. Your story is nice, gets the reader out of the chair and into another world. You got my vote.

Thank you for participating in our
fiction writing contest "My Best Fiction".

______
BookRix - your place to read, write and
network free literature on the Internet.

You're welcome Miranda. BTW I did vote for you. Carol x

. . peace that exists in those Far eastern cities. I spent some time in Cheng Mei in northern Thailand and I could recall the smells of the place in your text. I liked this a lot and I would love to read the full length book when it appears.

There is a curious . .

Oh, well done for getting it into the contest. I love this collection. As someone who will probably never see Burma, it makes me feel as though I've been there. Well written and beautiful visuals of an exotic land. Carol x

Hi Miranda I loved this book and it was full of action and ethnic and cultural detail I read it without a pause. Best wishes with the full book. Thanks for sharing all your knowledge of burma with us a delight. Love - JOHN