BookRix

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This kinda' reminds me of another book I read called The Iron Trial: kid finds out he's a wizard but really doesn't want to be, goes to the special wizarding school, finds out he has a special talent (now going off description) that is probably very rare, ends up being involved in some form of wizard war. It's a good story outline that you can do a lot with and that I find very interesting. Looking forward to the rest!

I agree about keeping as far as you can from Harry Potter but also there are other similar ideas by the likes of Raymond E Feist. It might even be an idea to read "Magician" by him to get an alternative view of a training academy for wizards - it's far less "cute" - and develop your academy by putting your own spin on the concept. Other than that, it looks to be a good start. Nicely done!

With you the excitement never stops.

With you the excitement never stops. This is another breathtaking chapter in another thrilling story.

Thank you and keep up the good work.

LOVE IT SO FAR!!! Can't wait for more. Please write more soon.

Hopefully the first day of school is the worst.

And since the school is exempt from Child abuse laws, that makes it worse.

Well written!

You introduce your characters very well. And I can almost see the school in my mind.

I will look forward to seeing what happens next.

Melissa: Please follow this link http://www.bookrix.com/_group-en-learning-to-write-better-101 and provide me with a score for this review.

Thanks.

The Wizarding Wars

1) Did this first page make you want to read more of the book?

I was drawn in by the family dynamics, but not because of the wizard aspect, because you had not gotten there yet. So yes, based on what I read, I would be interested in seeing more.

2) State what you like or dislike about what you have read, including the "pitch".

I felt the pitch was too long and wordy. Short sentences that make the reader WANT to know more are essential. Make certain we know this is not another HARRY POTTER clone by explaining why your story is new and different.

4) Offer helpful suggestions to the author, which may include grammatical/spelling/plot choices.

Always follow dialog with a COMMA, not a PERIOD, and then write, "he said," "I responded," etc.,

Here is a perfect example from your first page:

“Okay, dear.” She said as I closed my bedroom door, her tone notably changed from her happy-go-lucky to a barely-contained depression.

THIS SHOULD READ:

"Okay, dear," she said, as I closed my bedroom door. Her tone had noticeably changed from happy-go-lucky to almost depressed.

Try and break up your paragraphs so they are easier to read. If someone speaks a line of dialog, make that separate from the following paragraph.

If "James" thinks words, put them in italics.

I have re-written your first page below. Compare it to what you have written so you can see how better it flows.

Hope this is helpful. You are off to a good start. You have an interesting premise to your story, characters that we may come to care about, and tension building with the abusive boyfriend. Let us know when you have finished it. Thanks for participating.
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“Mom, I’m home!” I called as I entered the room and dropped my backpack by the door. Pots and pans crashed in the nearby kitchen, followed by loud cursing and dogs barking. I rolled my eyes at the everyday sounds of home.

“Oh, James! Welcome back. Suzie, get off your brother! Oh, no!” Mom's words were followed by a mad flurry of claws on the tile.

“James, look out! Here they come,” Mom cried out, and my body braced itself. I planted my spread legs firmly on the carpet and bent my knees. With my arms outstretched, I was prepared to take on any force coming my way.

Five German Shepherds came crashing through the door that connected the foyer to the kitchen and living room, and all were hell-bent on welcoming me home. I waited until the lead pair hit the carpet, then dropped flat on my belly. I covered my head with my hands and arms and locked them tightly in order to keep the three puppies away from my face.

The next thing I knew, Grace, Krull and their pups, Crash, Suzie and Blossom were upon me. I could hear Grace growl in welcome, while Krull sniffed at me and sneezed. I could also hear their excited barks close to my ear and the puppies’ yipping dangerously close to my face. Little wet tongues licked my bare hands while teeth pulled at my hair and another tried to wiggle between my arms.

When Crash succeeded in getting past my barrier, I picked him up and held him up to the ceiling, then raspberried his belly. He howled and I hugged him against me, smiling widely so he would see I thought he did well. I absentmindedly petted Grace and Krull as I walked to the kitchen.

“Hey, Mom,” I greeted her, kissing her on the cheek. Crash tried to lick the spoon she held up for tasting, so I turned my torso and quickly accepted the morsel Mother offered.

“Mmmm, fantastic as always. Grandma’s secret soup? What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion," Mom replied. Just wanted to remind you how much I love you, James.”

“I love you, too,” I said then walked back into the foyer to get my backpack.

“Call me when it’s ready. I’ll be upstairs, doing homework,” I called, starting to climb the stairs.

“Okay, dear,” Mom replied as I closed my bedroom door, her tone noticeably changed from happy-go-lucky to almost depressed. Clearly there was a reason for my favorite dinner.

She’s trying to tell me something. I just hope it doesn’t involve Lucas again, I thought.

My skin crawled at the thought of Lucas. He was so creepy, it shivers ran down my spine every time I saw him. There was something…dark about him and I didn’t like seeing him. It had made it close to impossible for all of us to live under the same roof when Mom had lost her job and we were evicted from our last house. He and Mom had broken up a few months ago and he’d been trouble ever since. He'd followed her to work, or me as I drove to school. He'd left calls and voice mails in a creepy but recognizable voice, and had often dropped by unexpectedly while drunk and high, threatening Mom if she didn't take him back.