BookRix

Plzzz. ︀Write ︀me! ︀I ︀m ︀waiting ︀for ︀you, ︀open ︀link ︀>>>>> ＷＷＷ.ＦＡＮＴＡＺＭ.ＯＮＬＩＮＥ?_ebook-lajune-marie-my-life-my-world-my-lunch

But it needs editing.
If you post your first page on the critique thread, I can show you what I mean.
Please do it; you show great promise.
Wendy xx

I like this story...I'm into strange yet unusual tales.
Apart from two spelling mistakes and using the words 'set' instead of 'sat' , this was written very well.
Hope to check out more of your stories.

elizabethsfirst,

This is a very unique and interesting short story about Thomas and his lunch adventures. Great story!

i really like this story idea, but can you throw in some paragraphs for us? it's so much easier to read a story that has breaks between thoughts/ideas. it seems too mashed together like this, like everything was just thrown in. if you add some paragraphs and a little more detailing between to slow things down, your story will be more readable and therefore, more enjoyable for us!

i'm also hoping that you will add more descriptions about each place that he visits because they seemed too short (even though it's a short story). and maybe a little more info about Thomas because he's a really interesting character!