BookRix

Very powerful little story with different meanings that sound alike. You worked them in as a thought and at the same time your descriptive words held me to the story. It told it all./joeparent(eye) voted.

Hello L4ra,

I just intercepted your transmission, and found it to be chilling. robottina enjoyed the homonyms in parentheses, since they gave an alternative syntax, creating ambiguity to the true intent.

Good job,
robottina

I like this a lot. I'm not sure if I get the significance of the spelling thing? Where you put alternate spellings in parenthesis - I'd need that explained to me. But other than that, your writing style is fantastic - simple and elegant. The frank way the story depicts such a messed up situation creates a nice shocking effect that kept me curious.

I'd almost advise against broadcasting that it was going to be a Munchausen story, because I went into it knowing that the mom would be poisoning her little girl - that dampened the shock because I was looking for the moment when it'd happen for the whole story.

This is the second thing I've ever added to my "Favorites" though, so... awesome.

What an honest account of a topic so often swept under the rug. One cannot help but appreciate the raw emotions of the characters involved. Beautifully written.

Hi Lara,

1st - quick note, rules and regs for 'Family Stories' contest says you need a front cover, I'm sure. It would be awful if they disqualified on that basis. :)

I read your story. Your beginning was thought provoking and I loved the play on words throughout. You maintained tense throughout, your pace was steady and your tone consistent. You did so well in 'showing' your story, not just 'telling'.

I also liked the way you made sure everything you wrote needed to be there and no more. You have judged each words need to take up space in your story and you've economised well. It makes me want to look at my stuff again, and make sure I've done that too. Lol... Excellent. You should be proud.

I noticed some grammatical stuff that we all have (doesn't seem to matter how often we edit). 1 example: Pg 1, ..."Dr Richard." I smile and straigten... Should read as ..."Doctor Richards, "I smile and straighten... then ...a strand of hair. "Thank you... should be ...a strand of hair, "thank you...

Good luck.

Bek :)

Thank you for participating in our short
story writing contest "Family Stories".

The Librarian