BookRix

I can tell you have talent! Great job with the story!

However, I do have some critiques:

In the first sentence of the book you add

"the freezing air flowing through the crack under to door from the forest outside"

onto the end of the already long sentence. This is fine, but it looks like you made a spelling error. Of course after I read it several times I get what you're trying to say, but a reader should be able to pick up the meaning the first time. It might help if you rearranged the wording to something like this:

"during a forsaken hour that surged with the frozen air of the forest."

Or you could just take that bit off all together.

Here's another sentence that isn't bad, but could be better!

"Then, scrambling onto her feet tiredly, she went to the door and opened it with shaky hands."

The word 'tiredly' doesn't seem to fit. And because you say that Ruth Hackleford hands are shaky, that already points out that she must be tired. I'd either take the word tiredly out all together or somehow rearrange the sentence if your dead set on using the word.

Also, when have Ruth thinking to herself and then say "the woman repeated the unorganized phrase to herself over and over again,(ect.)" it makes the reader take a second look. It might be better if you capitalized the word "The" in the beginning of the new sentence to keep everything going smoothly.

There are several small mistakes like the ones I've listed above. I suggest you go through the whole thing yourself and edited it.

But other than that, I think the story is amazing! I truly do! Please keep writing. I can't wait to see what happens next!

---RbG :)

The pitch itself has pulled me in! I'm coming back to read this later! :)

---RbG

I love the way this is going and I think this could be very possible if you write more. Plz do 2. I can't wait, its so well written.