BookRix

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please write more

I'll admit I wasn't crazy about the first draft (o~o don't kill me lol), but this is a whole lot better. You should write some more XD

explainin how much she hated Connor so far was good, and staeting the time he most pissed her off was good. she deff got even though with the mudy car XD
i thought the fact she fell down the stairs was funny, and how she talked 2 her bunny telapathitically, thts how ya spell it ryt??? eh, u no what i mean XD
its deffiently better since theres less people and not describing them up front :)
let me knwo when ya update, oh and i hate motherfuckers too XD

Ok, firstly, WAAAAAAAy to many room mates, i got confused who was who, i think u should cut it down 2 4 at least, QB, Connor (My older bro is called Connor XD) Toto and Willow. i think tht will help the reader from gettin confused.
u need to skip lines when a new person talks, because all u do is "No" space "yes" and it kinda gets confusin whos talkin.
i think u rushed into everything really fast, cause on 1 page shes callin him a jackass the next she says she loves him.
correct me if i'm wrong, but isnt Willow not supposed to like Connor at the start, so how does she flick 2 hate 2 love in 18 pages??? I think you need to spread it out more, ease into the fact they r secretly growin closer, y'know???
Oh, and loose the background, i found the pink and the swirling shapes really distractin n i was tempted to shut it off once or twice....
anyways, main things, skip lines when diff people are talking. Less people, and loose background. oh and capital letters, somtimes u forgot 2 add captial letters.
now this comment might sound all negative, but i think once u add a bit of spice a fix this book up and get rid of the mistakes, and spread it out a bit more. it can be fantastico LoL keep me updated :)