BookRix

THIS BOOK BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

don't criticize the girl's story, she never asked for your opinion . I think it's a very good book..... hmph....kmft

You've got a nice opening there, although it could have been structured differently, something like...

'I rested my hands on my bulging stomach,as I looked across the fields and watched the wind make the stalks of wheat move like a majestic sea of gold. The light from the morning sun felt warm on my face, drying the trails of tears running down my cheeks. I sighed and then I walked back into the house.'

You wrote two nice pages and then you made me splutter over my coffee when you wrote 'my jaw nearly dropped to the ground' That's an awful cliche. You should remove it and describe what she was really thinking.

And then you used 'drop dead gorgeous'. Yuk! It just doesn't go with the story that you were portraying quite nicely.

Good overall, though. I can see promise in your writing.
good luck
Wendy

Thank you, for a lovely story.
I loved the hook, and the way in which you built the suspense and the emotion, throughout the story.
Chris

really good story