BookRix

Hi Kevin,

You have provided a sensory details at the opening of the story that interested me, it helped set the tone of your story.

I think your story would benefit from breaking it up more i.e.: smaller paragraphs and spacing between paragraphs, you readers are more likely to enjoy the experience and concentration is improved.

A couple of things to mention, though not exhaustive.

Pg 5 ...mom did not have the instant attraction to Manhattan until later... I'm wondering if 'instant' should be included here?

Pg 5 ...When one looked across to the Palisades, it was hard to imagine that arguably one of the centres of the universe was so close... You may need to look at rewording this sentence, simply because I can't make sense of it. Also, you've used a capital for universe and I'm not sure why, as I don't think universe is a 'Proper Noun'.

Pg 6 ...Here, where John Travolta had become a superstar a couple of years back in Saturday Night Fever... It sounds as though you have more to say, like there should be a comma, not a full stop.

I think your work would benefit from another edit.

Good luck.

Bek :)

Thank you for participating in our short
story writing contest "Family Stories".

The Librarian