BookRix

Do you have this book posted anywhere else my pc sudenly started hating this website and wont let me read anything

It wasn't really what I'm looking for. I made a new cover

Send me your email add and I'll send it over.

wendyreakes123@btinternet.com

It's nice.

It's that bad....???

...for thanking me. I don't mind if people tell me to get lost, but most of the time i get nothing. It's nice to be acknowledged.

Yep, the cover stinks. LOL

An honor junior. Wow!

xx

Is it kinda lame? I took the picture myself and photo shopped it.

Thanks, I do get that a lot from my friends. They never explain how to fix it though. That was helpful. The first few chapters aren't as good as the rest, since I got into it later on. Thank you for the grammar kudos. I really do try on that. I'm just a honors Junior in high school. haha

Is that a pseudonym? I seem to recognize the writing.

Okay, I'm going to give you some lesson in certain writing techniques, which you can either take or leave. Up to you.

I get the impression you have a love of story-telling and that you have a real talent for it. Your grammar is excellent, better than a lot I come across. Better than mine! It was hard for me to find fault.

Your essential problem is how you are formatting your narratives. You have got to find a much more natural way of doing it. In particular, you need to get rid of the thesaurus and use words that come naturally to you.

Natural, in a writers sense, not how you speak every day.

It's your shop window, if you like. A demonstration of your writing style. The words you use are important and if you over-use them, as you have done here, you'll put your readers off.

With regards to finding your style, I'll correct this small passage....

You wrote: Mom came over to sit with me and stroked my hair.

I watched my mother come out of the crowds and walk towards me. She sat at my side and stroked my hair.

You wrote: "Avery, this is amazing," she exclaimed.

You don't need to tag this. The reader already knows it is the mother speaking.

You wrote: She looked like she had been shooken up, getting emotional again.

(There's no such word as shooken).

I could see her hands shaking. She was getting emotional again.

You wrote: "Oh, mom," I shook my head. She always gets so excited over me.

You're telling not showing here.
Find something interesting to say. 'Oh mom' is mundane and doesn't tell us anything. In this case you would use a response that indicates how she always gets excited over her daughter.

You wrote: Well honey, I need to take off now, so I'll see you soon, okay?" She told me.

At this point in the story, you have just introduced the mother character and then you sent her away. You need to increase the dialogue here to give a feeling about the sort of relationship they have. You should also be offering some small description or idiosyncrasy about the mother that allows the reader to picture her. Again you don't need the tag. We know it's her speaking.

You wrote: "Where are you off to?" I wondered.

This doesn't make sense. You're asking a question and then you use a tag to imply you are 'thinking'.

Good luck with the story
Wendy

I have been working on this for like forever. I don't really move on till I'm sure it's edited enough.