Chapter 2
~Page 19 (2nd paragraph)
Just a reminder to watch those super long sentences. Consider using a p0eriod after 'short hair'. Also change 'in compare' to 'in comparison'.
~Page 19 (2nd paragraph)
Instead of 'normal nose'. consider using one of the following: common, average, aqualine, snub or turned-up nose.
~Page 20 (1st complete paragraph)
rough pine boards of back porch of the cabin
Consider: at the back porch of the... mehr anzeigen
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Chapter 1
~Be careful not to drag/slow your story down by using very long sentences. For example, pg 8 (2nd paragraph, last sentence); Pg 9 (1st paragraph) and pg 18 (main paragraph) could be broken down into shorter sentences.
~Pg 8 (2nd paragraph)
Amend loose to lose.
~9 (1st paragraph)
a huge hinderance in for him in trying
Consider: a huge hinderance for him in trying
~Pg 10 (last paragraph)
Incroe had been remarkably similar... mehr anzeigen
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Prologue - Beware of using too many ellipsis ( ... ) and repeated words. Ellipsis can be effective in speech if you want to make your character seem hesitant. In addition ellipsis need to have a period added if they are used at the end of a sentence.
Whereas dashes (-) are ideal if you want to emphasise a word/part of a sentence. Dashes can also be used instead of a period if you want your character to be interrupted.
~ Pg 2... mehr anzeigen
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Ah, okay. I have a reason for using all those ellipses, and yes, their numbers have been pointed out to me before!
Think of it this way, imagine this is the script that someone is telling in the beginning of a movie. Kind of like the little speech Galadriel gave in the beginning... mehr anzeigen
I love this story. In my opinion, you write beyond your years and I am intrigued to read more of your work. As promised I will post tips to strengthen your story. Please, feel free to use as many, or few as you choose.
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I've been told that before.
I try to take all advise I'm given.
Okay, this was an interesting and quite helpful review! Thanks.
(It's actually supposed to be loose in that one spot however).
You are a fine writer & I bow to your judgement. :D
Should you wish me to stop editing your story, please send me a message.
No, no, no! Keep it up. I need a readers point of view on the story. Badly.
I hope my review helped.
I'll be going back to it sometime here.
// and no sarcasm please.
My sarcasm is always aimed at myself, believe me your work does not deserve to be served any.