BookRix

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thanks a lot bookzilla :P I'll start editing it a bit more and adding more stuff, but like I said I wanted feedback to see what changes and fixes I needed to make lol. Btw, most of my mistakes might've been because my native language is spanish so I tend to confuse a lot of words lol but thanks a bunch!!

i can tell that the idea for this story is a really good one. i have never read anything about a heartless man before... but are they good or bad?
i found your story to be very interesting, but also confusing. it seems like it was written in a rush and things are pushed together where there should be spaces and more explanations.

here is an example from the first page:

when you say that he is wearing all black "like most heartless men do" it makes the reader think that she knows he is heartless because you are writing in first person. it's confusing because then on page 8 you kiss him and react like you didn't know he was heartless or if you did know, why would you let him kiss you...?

there are also several mistakes, such as:
page 5 -
"i met him under pouring rain right across the station" do you mean that you saw him from across the station? or do you mean that it was raining on the entire station? it is confusing.

"and a grey briefcase on his left hand" i think you mean "in his left hand" because you do no wear a briefcase, you carry one.

"he had taken off his waistcoat and drenched it with both hands" what does "drenched it" mean? usually "drenched" means to get really wet. so why is he drenching the waistcoat? also, did you know that a waistcoat is a vest?

please read the book again and try to fix as many errors as you can. it's a really good story and it would help a lot if you could edit a little :)

let me know when it's fixed and i will read it again!