BookRix

Contintue please!

this is offically my new favorite book ever...i laughed tooo hard

Wow its so awesome, i jus finished it. your going to write more right? Cuase i dont like if it ends like that.i liked how it was kind of like X-Men. i love X-Men. Wolf-wolverine. Magenta-Rouge. haha its over all pretty good. (: i like how Ryder is crazy, you really made him seem crazy some people cant really do that they make it cheesy and it sucks. Yours was good, he was all scadder brained and talked to himself. (:

"it was good."
Not exactly feedback :-\ hah. Shame on you.

I'll try and supply some feedback as I work my way down the story. I was immediately pretty psyched to see what kind of story this was going to be, I don't see well-crafted fiction enough around here. So right off the bat... impressive.

A few things I've noticed: You mention it's Ivy's 15th birthday, but then point out that the birthday before that one was when she turned 14. This seems unnecessary, as that's how one would expect it to work.

"Not that there was many" on page six = [were] many.

"but they were [too] busy fighting to..."

Everyone surrounding Ivy and treating her like a freak just because her mother says so is... hard to believe. I think that if your average person saw an older woman screaming that her young teenage daughter was a freak, they'd probably side with the daughter. Just sayin'.

Wolf or Wolverine? :D I can see the inspiration for the character, and that's fine, but you may want to write the character to be a bit different. You don't want to draw too many X-Men comparisons, although the X-Men stories are pretty awesome.

The section where you list the powers of the Freaks in parenthesis doesn't work for me. You must always remember the golden rule of.. Show, but don't tell. If you have got characters with sweet powers, find a way to demonstrate them within the story so that it really sticks in our minds.

"Donkey balls" is pretty funny :D

I like Ivy's powers. It leaves a lot of room for exciting villains, like villains who have some sort of light-based powers. That's not really typical for a superhero style story, so kudos. But why do there have to be so many others Freaks? Wouldn't it be cooler if Shadow was one of the only ones? I like Magenta as well... I think weaker Freaks is the best way to go. It makes them all appear more human.

"What was the person who discovered milk doing with that poor cow" ... lol. That is pretty clever.

You have a lot of talent and potential. You are doing a good job so far, though I'd like to see the whole thing finished. I think you should also remember that the story needs to focus on Ivy, and that unlike a comic book with an established universe and multiple series/viewpoints, you can't just list large numbers of characters and what they do. It might do you well to limit the number of characters for now until your readers are comfortable with Ivy and feeling for her.

Just some suggestions - don't let these discourage you! This story was overwhelmingly good. Cool shit.