BookRix

omg omfucking

I honestly loved the book, it was very descriptive. I feel as if as i was actually there with you, standing next to you witnessing this guy and aware of his apperance.

But at the same time, you just need to break them into paragraphs. Just to give readers eyes a little rest lol but very good job.

Hi hawthorneheightfan,

I read your story. I have to say for an 11yo this is really quite clever. My daughter is 10 and my son 12 and I wonder whether they have such words in their lexicon as you such as 'Multiple' and 'examined' or 'assumed' or 'expression'. It really is remarkable for your age.

Also your use of adverbs and pronouns (describing words). I'm used to seeing 11yo saying 'the lolly was very nice', where as I imagine you would say something like 'the lolly was scrumptious'.

Also, the way you have started the story with a question. Very clever and different, I would expect an 11yo to still use beginnings like 'once upon a time'.

Very good work. Is horror your interest? I don't even think my kids know what a 'silver scythe' is.

Good luck and I hope you keep writing.

I thought the start of this story had real grip, but seemed to be rushed otwards the end. The pace of a story is key. Also use paragraphs as they break the text up so it is more readable.